TWELVE

ESTELLA

Morning brought a fresh dose of shame.

The shower pattered in the ensuite as I gathered the squishy blanket around me, trying to soothe my addled mind with it's comfort.

Graham’s rejection hit harder than I’d been ready to accept. Why couldn’t we try something a little more risqué? A couple should be able to explore together without the intense shame that washed over me.

The bedside clock ticked, steam seeping from beneath the bathroom door.

A dreadful weight filled my stomach at the conversation we needed to have, but I couldn’t go downstairs and paste on a smiley face. Not without knowing what was going on after our middle of the night failure fuck.

The door opened, Graham emerging with a towel wrapped around his waist in a cloud of steam .

‘We need to talk about last night,’ I said, holding the blanket tight to me as if it would counter the look Graham gave me.

‘Why don’t we just leave it for now? Just get through the weekend and we can circle back to this when we get back to the city.’ The sigh he gave hit me like a poisoned dart.

‘I don’t want to get through the weekend. I thought you wanted to come here?’

‘Estella, I want to be here. But I have an almighty headache from too much whisky, and I don’t need a guilt trip about any more shit right now.’

‘Last night is going to force a wedge between us if we leave it stuck like a thorn in rotting flesh. We need to pull it out.’ I couldn’t go downstairs with a smile on my face until we talked. Not with Leo across the breakfast table all smug about the way he’d made me squirm on his fingers.

Graham sat on the edge of the bed, running a hand through his wet hair. ‘We’re just not the kind of people who do the weird sex stuff.’

That stung.

‘Why not? We’re in a committed relationship, where’s better to explore sexually without embarrassment?’ I shifted closer to him, resting a hand on his still wet back. ‘It could bring a new rush of excitement.’

Graham twisted away, turning to face me and holding my damp hand with a light touch. ‘Do we need a rush? Things are good. We have an active sex life in a really normal way. I like that.’

His emphasis of normal tightened my stomach. Was I abnormal? Did enjoying sex on the wilder side make me a freak? Did wanting the adrenaline spike that came with a good fucking lay relegate me to the weirdo class in the bedroom?

‘What if I need more to get off?’ I asked.

‘You don’t, my love. You come. I come. It’s all good.’

How would he react if I told him I faked it more often than not?

Before I could counter, Graham leaned in and gave me a soft kiss. ‘Darling, we’ve got a great thing going. Sex isn’t everything. As long as it’s happening, then we’ve got bigger things to worry about. Like moving in together. Hosting get togethers for our friends. A mortgage. Babies. We are a solid thing, babe. All those sex-fuelled relationships you see on TV or read about in books don’t exist. They’re fantasy. This is real.’

Every word hit like a punch.

A solid thing.

Solid .

Like we were a fucking yam.

‘What if I want the heat?’ I asked.

Graham smiled and patted my thigh. ‘You’ll get over it.’