Chapter Forty

CHAPTER FORTY

Milo

“You’d be happy to know that I passed my math exam,” I said to Eric as I heard footsteps behind me as I sat on the bench on Friday morning. I was getting better at using my other senses to tune into my surroundings. As I turned around to see him, I paused, seeing who was standing beside him. “Dad. What are you doing here?”

“I finished my last day in the rehab center, and Eric was kind enough to offer me a ride home from Chicago.”

I narrowed my eyes and looked at Eric. “You’ve been talking to my dad?”

“Yeah. We’ve become pretty good friends. Had some great heart-to-hearts.” He walked over to me and patted me on the back. “He’s a good man with a great son. I figured you both might want to watch the sunrise together. I’ve gotta get back to town.”

Eric squeezed my shoulder before walking off.

“Eric,” I called out.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For everything,” I said.

He smiled his daughter’s smile, which only made me miss Starlet more. “Anything for my daughter. Which means anything for you.”

He walked off, saying his goodbye to Dad before leaving us standing there alone with the sound of the woods and flowing water.

Dad rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m currently debating if Eric’s real or if he’s that damn angel from It’s a Wonderful Life .” He snickered.

I gave him a half grin. “That was Mom’s favorite Christmas movie.”

He frowned and nodded. “Yeah. It was.” He gestured toward the bench. “Can I sit?”

“Of course. It’s your bench, after all.”

He took a seat, and I sat beside him. I watched as his fingers traced the initials he and Mom carved into the wood. He sniffled a bit and cleared his throat. “Thirty-four days.” I raised an eyebrow. “Thirty-four days sober. I know it doesn’t sound that impressive, but—”

“It’s impressive. I’m proud of you.”

His eyes glassed over as he took in my words. He shook his head and glanced up at the dark sky slowly beginning to yawn awake. “I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say those words again. Not after how I’d been over these past few years. I owe you an apology, Milo.”

“It’s fine, Dad.”

“No, it’s not.” He flicked his thumb against his nose. “When you needed me the most, I dropped the ball time and time again. I wasn’t the parent you needed or deserved, and I apologize for that, boy. You deserved more. Your mother would’ve given you more.”

“Maybe,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. For a while, I thought that, too. I was so pissed at you. I was convinced that Mom would’ve done better. But who knows? If the tables were turned and you were gone, I don’t know how Mom would’ve handled losing you. Death is hard on people in different ways. We never know how it will change us until it does. I owe you an apology, too. I should’ve realized how hard this was for you. I had Mom for seventeen years; you had her for thirty-two. That’s a lot more to mourn, and I’m sorry I didn’t lean into you more. I’m sorry I didn’t check in.”

Tears began to flow down his cheeks as he sniffled and kept his stare to the sky. Deep blues and maroons were beginning to emerge. The soft clouds moved slowly to the right as the sunbeams began to peek through the landscape. Dad fiddled with his fingers as he took in the sights.

“Your mother told you to look for her in the morning skies,” he said. “She told me to find her in the sunsets. I think her point for that was to try to get us to come together and share the beginnings and endings of each day.”

“That sounds like something she would’ve done.”

“I messed up, Milo. I’ve dropped the ball a million times this past year, and I apologize for that. I’m looking into therapy and other things to help with my grief. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to feel this way forever. I want to be there for you. I want to figure out how to be stronger for you.”

“I don’t need you to be strong, Dad. I get it…this sucks and it’s hard, but I don’t need you to be strong. I just need you to be here. Mom would be okay with us breaking every now and again. I just don’t think she would’ve wanted us to break alone.”

He brushed his thumb beneath his nose as he stared out at the water. “Be broken together?”

“Yeah, be broken together.”

“You’re a great son, Milo. You always have been, and I’m sorry for not telling you that enough.”

“It’s okay. I’m going to force you to for the rest of our lives, though,” I joked.

He smiled and batted his tears away. “Yeah, well, I deserve it.”

“You’re great, too, Dad. I want you to know I won’t judge you for a bad year when there were seventeen great ones. Someone once told me that we weren’t our worst moments. I like to believe that that’s true.”

His hands clasped together, and he nodded. “I heard you, you know.”

“What?”

“When you came to visit me in the hospital and asked me to stay each day. I heard you every single time. I think that was the reason I was able to come back. I think it was because of you, Milo. It was you, and it was always going to be you that brought me back. It was you that saved my life.”

***

Dad made it back home just in time for graduation. A day I wasn’t confident I would’ve made it to on my own. I knew damn well I wouldn’t have been there without Starlet. If I were honest, I didn’t know if I’d even be alive still if it weren’t for her. Yet because of her, I’d made it out of the winter, and I’d discovered spring with summer right around the corner.

Graduation caps and gowns were the most uncomfortable thing I’d ever worn. They didn’t look good, either. It was as if it was the school’s final way to jab their students in the side with some form of annoyance.

The tassel kept dangling in front of my face as I sat on the football field, staring toward the stage. The bleachers were packed with people, families and friends all there to celebrate the graduates. The fact that Dad was in those bleachers meant the world to me.

The sun beamed down overhead, and I felt as if I was melting into a pool of sweat. It was wild to me how just a few months ago, everything was covered in snow, and now the sun had me wanting to go skinny-dipping.

I’d take the hot days over the cold ones, though.

Weston was in charge of calling the students’ names as we received our diplomas. Lucky for me, I’d be one of the first to walk the stage, thanks to my last name. When I was called up, I stood from my chair and headed across the stage. To my surprise, a burst of cheering was heard, not only from my friends who were graduating but from the stands, too. I glanced over at them, and my chest tightened.

Star.

My Star.

My heart stopped for a split second as I froze in place, unsure how to move forward.

Her lips turned up into a big smile, and I felt my whole body warm. Shit. Even from a distance, she still controlled my every move.

“Milo,” Weston whisper-shouted, snapping me out of my daze.

I shook my head and cleared my thoughts the best I could. I glanced back at Starlet one more time before walking toward my uncle. I shook Weston’s hand, and he pulled me into a tight hug. As he held on, I felt his tears falling. “I’m so fucking proud of you, kid,” he whispered.

He almost made me cry on that damn stage, too. I hugged him back, took the diploma, and headed back to my seat. I looked back to the bleachers, and she was gone. I shook my head a few times, feeling as if I were crazy. Had I imagined her being there? Was it all in my head?

I looked down at the diploma and opened it to see the certificate inside. Instead, I found an envelope. A letter with the words “My world” written across the front of it.

Mom’s letter.

Without thought, I opened it. Everything around me slowed down. Everyone went mute as my eyes darted across the words written in ink with nothing less than love.

My world,

Today’s a special day.

Your graduation day.

This is probably one of the hardest letters I’ve ever had to write. I have tears falling down my cheeks as I listen to you and your father watch sports in the living room. There’s a pot of tea on the stovetop, and I’m waiting for the whistling sound to alert us all. You will rush over to said teapot, pour me a cup, and ask if I’d like sugar or honey in it.

Always both.

You know this, but you always ask.

I want to thank you for taking care of me these last few months. I know it hasn’t been easy on you, Son, but you’ve been the most heroic individual throughout all of this. Thank you for loving your mama when she was too weak to love herself. The greatest part of my life has been, and will always be, you.

If you’re reading this letter, that means I’m gone from the physical realm, but I want you to know that I’m right beside you through every step you take.

Especially on today. The day you’re walking across that stage, accepting your diploma to start the next chapter of your life.

I want you to know that I understand if the past year was hard for you. I want you to know, no matter what, I’m proud of you. You’ve could’ve messed up a million times. You’ve could’ve failed over and over again. You could’ve done drugs, and drank, and fallen apart repeatedly, yet I’m so proud of you, Milo, because you still made it here. To this day.

I do not know what your next steps are. I simply know you’re going to be okay, because I know you, Son. I know your heart and how it beats. I know the good in your soul and the kindness of your spirit. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be more than that. You will be great.

So now I would like to give you some motherly advice to help you through your years to come. And oh, how I hope they are the most colorful years of your life, filled with so much comfort and joy.

Tips from Mama:

Eat your vegetables. I know Brussels sprouts are gross, but they are good for you. And make sure you floss every single night. Okay, every other night. I don’t want to push it.

Forgive your father. I know how soft his heart is, so I worry that it will harden when I’m gone. Take care of each other when you can, and still love him when you can’t. Being human is a messy thing and hardships will show up, but do know that even on his weak days, his love for you is strong. Please remember his best days when he’s showing you his worst.

Make new friends and hold on to the old ones who were patient while you healed. Hold them a little tighter than others. And when they need you, show up for them. Be their pillar as they were yours.

Fall in love. Please, do this and allow it to be messy. Fall in love fast, and deeply. Fight for said love and be love’s anchor. Allow yourself the space to feel things deeply. Say the words I love you as much as you can. You never know when it will be the last time, and I’d rather you drown a person in love than let the moments quietly pass you by.

This might be the most important part of it all. Love yourself, Milo. Please, please, please love yourself. There is no one more deserving to witness your love than the person who’s staring back at you in the mirror.

Attached is the last recipe card I have for you. I hope they have brought you comfort in some of your most trying times. All that I ask is that you make this one on a Sunday and sit in a room filled with all the people you love. I want you to eat, and enjoy the meal, and laugh, and joke, and be alive.

Be alive, Milo. Live.

I want you to make your own life recipes. Create unique memories in your own special way. Expand yourself. Try new things. Fail. Try again. You’re the most remarkable son I’ve ever had the blessing to know, and I know whatever you do with your life, it will be delicious.

Con amore, figlio mio. Con amore,

Mama

I opened the recipe card and pulled out the one for Mom’s famous Sunday gravy sauce. The sauce she used to cook for hours to feed all our loved ones. My chest felt tight as I muttered to myself. “Thanks, Mom.”

The ceremony felt as if it was taking forever, and we were only through the letter M. How many damn people had last names that started with M? I kept looking back up to the bleachers to see if Starlet was there, but I couldn’t find her again. It must’ve simply been my imagination playing tricks on me.

***

“So you’re telling me you graduated today, think you saw your hot ex-girlfriend, the love of your life, in the crowd after building her a bike with her dad, and you decided you wanted to come to eat ice cream with grumpy Henry and me instead of going to see her?” Bobby asked me as we sat in the ice cream parlor.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“That’s stupid,” Bobby said matter-of-factly. “You make bad life choices.”

I chuckled a little. “I thought Henry was the brutally honest one.”

“I am,” Henry agreed. “But the kid’s right. You’re a dumbass.”

“Harsh,” I said, shoving ice cream into my mouth.

“We’re just your honest friends. Everyone needs honest friends,” Bobby explained.

“Okay. Lay it out for me. Tell me like it is.”

Bobby cleared his throat. “Okay, but you asked for it. I think it’s stupid that you thought you had to push someone away to figure out your crap. My mom always said that the point of love was so people didn’t have to do the happy or sad stuff alone. And here you are, choosing to do it alone. That’s stupid.”

I parted my mouth to give him a rebuttal, but nothing came to mind, so I kept stuffing my mouth with ice cream.

“The kid’s right, you bonehead,” Henry agreed. “I don’t even know why you’re still sitting here.”

“My dad had to run a few errands before he picks me up from here for my graduation dinner, so I’m pretty much stranded. Plus, if I was daydreaming about seeing her there, then she’s already back in Chicago staying with her dad for the summer.”

“Uber, Milo. Take a freaking Uber,” Bobby said as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

I laughed. “To Chicago?”

“Yeah. And leave a good tip,” Henry ordered.

“It’s really easy. Are you sure you graduated from high school today? You’re acting dumb,” Bobby said.

“Like really dumb,” Henry agreed.

“Besides,” Bobby stated, adding more and more sprinkles to his ice cream. “If I could still see and had a girlfriend I thought was hot, I’d spend every day looking at her face.”

He was right. I’d wasted enough time already.

“Shit. I have to get to Chicago.”

“Duh!” Bobby and Henry said in unison.

As I pulled out my phone, my dad walked into the ice cream shop, smiling my way. “Hey, Mi. Are you ready to go? I’ve got everything ready for dinner. Even got your graduation gift waiting outside.”

I arched my eyebrow. “A gift? You didn’t have to do that. Can we also shift the dinner plans? I was hoping you could drive me down to Chicago.”

“Chicago?” he asked, confused.

“There’s a hot girl,” Bobby said. “And Milo’s in love with her.”

Dad arched an eyebrow. “A girl, huh?”

“A hot girl,” Bobby explained. “Trust me. She’s the one.”

Dad scratched at his forehead. “Well, I was looking forward to dinner, but if it’s real love...”

“You’ll take me?” I asked, somewhat surprised.

“Today’s your day, Son. I’ll do anything you want. But first, let me show you your gift. Come on outside.”

I said my goodbyes to the guys and followed Dad out of the ice cream parlor. He gestured toward a massive RV in front of the ice cream shop when we stepped outside. “Ta-da! Happy graduation, Son!”

I narrowed my eyes. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I got you an RV. I know you talked about wanting to see the states and travel a lot as a kid, so I figured it was a good time to get you the opportunity over these next summer months.”

Don’t get me wrong, it was a thoughtful gift, but it had one major problem. “I can’t drive it, Dad. I’m not allowed to drive. Unless you were going to come with me.”

“Crap…no, Son. I can’t do that. I just started that new position and didn’t even think about that. I’m sorry. I guess it’s a pretty crappy gift.”

I shrugged and patted him on the back. “It’s the thought that counts.”

“If you need a driver, I’m pretty open this summer,” a voice said as they opened the door to the RV. I looked up to see Starlet standing there with the biggest smile. “That’s if you’re okay with my driving skills.”

My chest tightened as I froze in place, staring at her. Her natural curls were blowing in the wind as she stood in the doorway of the RV.

My glance shot back and forth between Dad and her as I tried to gather what was happening. I didn’t know if I was daydreaming again or not. “She’s here?” I asked Dad.

He nodded. “She’s here. So you’d better go greet her.”

I rushed over to her and took her hands into my shaky grip. My forehead fell against hers as I closed my eyes. “Hi,” I breathed out.

“Hi,” she replied. “Happy graduation day.”

I opened my eyes and placed my hand against her cheek, caressing her skin with the back of my hand. I took in every inch of her. Her eyes. Her dimples. Her smile. Her cheeks. Bobby was right. I was an idiot.

“I’ve missed you, and I’ve missed you in every way possible,” I told her. “And I’m sorry for pushing you away for a while.”

“It’s okay. It was good for me. I’m still learning a lot about myself, but the greatest thing I’ve learned is that I want to learn those things with you.”

“I thought we couldn’t work if we didn’t know ourselves fully. But I realize that change is the only constant thing in life. I don’t know how long it’ll take to figure out my stuff. I don’t even know what better is for me or my new normal, Star. But all I know is that I want you. I want you to know that I want to spend every day I have left looking at you.”

“Milo,” she whispered, a slight tremble to her tone. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to be what I thought my mother wanted me to be. I tried to be perfect in every single way to make her proud. But then I met you and realized I no longer want to be a fake perfect. I want to be real. I want to get messy with life. And I want to be messy with you.”

I pulled her into me, kissing her deeply as my arms wrapped around her.

From that point on, I refused ever to let her go again.