Chapter Eighteen

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Starlet

I valued three people’s opinions most in my life—my mother, my father, and Whitney. One thing I was never able to do with Whitney was tell her a lie. She read me like an open book. The pages, paragraphs, sentences, and words of my story always rested right on my face. I was already worried about her finding out about the weekend, and I knew it would be impossible to hold it in.

“How was your hiking adventure?” Whitney asked me after I finally made it back to our dorm room. I was beyond exhausted and emotionally spent as I collapsed onto my bed.

Whitney was still up studying, which I was hoping she hadn’t been. I wasn’t completely ready to unload the events of the weekend to her, but I knew sooner or later, I’d tell her everything.

“I went with Milo,” I blurted out. “I spent the weekend with him up north.”

Her eyes widened as she sat up straighter. “I’m sorry, you spent the weekend with who?”

“You can’t judge me,” I told her, the guilt of the weekend finally catching up with me.

“Did you sleep with him?” she asked. My face told her the answer. “Oh my goodness, Starlet!”

“I know, I know! It sounds so bad.”

“Uh, it doesn’t sound bad. It is bad. What were you thinking?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t, I guess. Aren’t you the one always telling me I should let loose a little? Be a little bit freer?”

Her eyes bugged out. “Yeah, I am that person. I said to let loose a little. A little, Star. I meant, like, smoke a joint or take a pole-dancing class. I didn’t mean screw your student.”

I shivered at her words. “I wasn’t screwing my student. It’s different with Milo.”

“I’m sorry, but you sound a little crazy right now. You can’t seriously be jeopardizing your whole college career for a man. For a man?! We hardly even like men!” she shouted, tossing her hands up in shock and disgust.

A big part of me was thrown off by my roommate’s reaction. She was always so addicted to the idea of me living a life outside of my studies, and now that I had, she was scolding me as if I were the worst person in the world.

“Whitney, let me explain—”

“No, Star. Don’t try to explain it to me. You’re smarter than this. You’ve worked too hard to throw it all away for some boy. You’ve known him, what? Three months? You’ve been in college for three years. It doesn’t make sense to risk so much for a dick.”

“He’s not just some dick,” I argued, getting heated from annoyance because how could she not understand? How could she be so logical at that very moment? I knew my anger was coming from a place of knowing she was right, too. She was one hundred percent right, and if the situation were reversed, I would’ve given her the same speech.

That annoyed me the most. My brain knew I was playing with fire, but my heart didn’t care about the burns. I wasn’t angry with Whitney. I was furious with myself. I knew better.

I knew better, yet still…

“He’s something different, Whit,” I offered. “He’s…he’s…”

“Your student,” she scolded.

My heart began to shatter because she didn’t see what I saw. She didn’t feel what I felt. How could she, though? Just because we all had hearts didn’t mean they beat in the same fashion.

“I’m falling in love with him,” I confessed quietly. My chest ached as the words evaporated off my tongue. I felt crazy, ridiculous, and in love, and that terrified me. I felt as if I wasn’t even in control of my own thoughts and feelings anymore. I felt as if love was swallowing me whole, and I prayed it wouldn’t spit me out because I felt good when I was with him. I felt as if I were floating when Milo was beside me.

Yet when he wasn’t, when my mind grew loud and reality settled in, I began to crash.

Was love supposed to feel like that?

Intoxicating and ruthless?

Or was love supposed to be gentler without so many complex emotions attached to it?

“Then stop falling, Starlet,” Whitney barked at me, wide eyes and all. “Stand up.”

Tears began streaming down my cheeks, and I shook my head in disbelief at her words. “I shouldn’t have told you,” I muttered, crawling under my blankets. Regret was sinking in quickly.

Whitney stood and walked over to my side of the room. She climbed into my bed and pulled me into a hug, showing me that her words weren’t coming from a place of harshness yet a place of love and honesty. “No, you should’ve told me, and you knew you should’ve, too, which is why you did. A big part of you knows this isn’t right, which is why you came to me. I could be a fake friend and tell you what you want to hear, but that’s not us, babe. That’s never been us. We are real with one another, no matter what. So this is me being real. It would be best if you stopped any feelings you’re feeling for this guy, Starlet. And as long as you keep tutoring him, you’ll keep falling for him. You need to stop that. Just focus on your career and your life. This won’t end well.”

I stayed quiet.

A big part of me wanted to argue with her. A big part of me wanted to call her out and be childish and say she’d never fallen in love. Therefore, she wouldn’t understand. But a bigger part of me understood her and knew she was right. She wasn’t being cruel; she was being truthful. That was the greatest thing about having a real best friend—having someone who would tell the truth, even when it was hard.

Yet I couldn’t stop tutoring Milo.

I couldn’t let him go.

No matter how much logical sense that made.

“If it were me, Star, what would you tell me to do?” she questioned.

I hated that question, and I refused to answer it that evening because I knew the answer.

I would’ve told her to stop falling in love with the boy and focus on herself. It was as if my heart and my head were alienated from one another. As if they were enemies of war, playing for control of my soul.

Later that night, my dad called to check in on things. I walked out of the dorm room and headed to the study lounge so I could talk to him privately.

“How was your weekend getaway?” he asked. “I was a bit worried about you hiking by yourself.”

I swallowed hard, feeling guilty for the lie I had to tell. Dad thought I’d gone up north to hike on my own. He’d even offered to join me. “It was great. We’ll have to make it up there at some point. You’d love the ice caves.”

“Sign me up for next winter. I missed you tonight for dinner, but I packed up some meals for you and Whitney when you come next weekend. You’ll have double the food to take back with you.”

“Thanks, Dad. You’re the best.”

“How are you feeling tonight? You doing okay?”

I hesitated and bit my bottom lip. It seemed that the good high I was riding over the weekend was coming to a complete halt. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, now tell me the truth.”

I sat on top of one of the tables and stared out at the snow falling outside. “Do you think Mom would be proud of me? Of the person I am?”

“Of course she would. She’d be amazed by you, buttercup.”

“Even if I made mistakes?”

“I think she’d love you even more for your mistakes. We never wanted you to be perfect, Star. We just wanted you to be you.”

A few tears rolled down my cheeks. I wished I were home. I wished I could have one of Dad’s big bear hugs because they always made me feel safe.

“What’s going on, Star?” he asked. “What’s on your mind?”

“A lot. Too much to talk about, I guess.”

“How can I help? Want me to drive up there for a visit?”

I smiled as if he could see me. “No, it’s fine. I’ll be okay. I’m just trying to decide whether I’m making the right choices, that’s all. Just a bit of anxiety.”

“Well, consider how the choice feels in your body before you overthink. Does it feel good and safe?”

Yes, yes…

He continued. “If it does, it’s probably the right option. Even if it looks wrong to the world.”

“Thanks, Dad. I needed to hear that.”

“Always. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

We chatted for a while longer before saying good night. As I climbed into bed, I thought about his words. The weekend with Milo felt good and safe. That was all I knew. That terrified me.