Chapter Sixteen

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

I spent that night wishing I could paint.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the photograph Theo had taken, and for some reason, I kept comparing it to the self-portrait assignment I had my freshman year at CU. The assignment had been simple: take a photograph of yourself. But it was so much more than that. You had to capture your entire essence in a single photograph, as if that one picture would be all the world would ever know about you.

I had buried myself in books pried open at the spine, pages and pages of ink on cream paper covering me from toe to nose. The only part of me that peeked through the books were my hands wrapped around a camera and my eyes.

And at the time, that was exactly the right image to depict.

I was the shy girl, the quiet girl, the one with her nose stuck in a book or a camera covering her face. I was an observer, which was why I left only my eyes and my camera visible in the self-portrait. The rest of me didn’t need to be seen. I was not the object of art — I was the creator of it, the one sent to Earth to take the photographs, not be in them.

I wondered what my self-portrait would be now.

And the more I wondered, the less I held onto hope that I would sleep.

I pictured myself on the top deck of the boat, eyes cast toward the ocean, wind whipping through my hair. There would be a storm off to my left, broody black clouds whispering of destruction. And to my right, a gorgeous sunset, with pink and orange clouds much like the ones I’d seen off the coast of Positano.

My hands would be on the railing, except to my left, toward the storm, there would be no railing at all.

My hand would be suspended, toes just off the edge of the teak, as if to show the viewer that just one tiny inch of movement would push me over the precipice and into that storm.

But I couldn’t capture that with a photograph — not without manipulation in post. So, I wondered what it would be like to be a painter, to be able to just create what you saw in your mind at any given moment with a brush stroke.

My eyes were bloodshot when Joel’s alarm clock went off, and I swallowed back the guilt I felt as I watched him get ready for work. He still looked miserable, but I didn’t even bother to try to get him to rest another day. One day had been victory enough.

He didn’t say a word to me as he dressed, but he did stop by the edge of the bed and kiss my cheek before he walked out the door. When he was gone, I pressed my fingertips to where his lips had touched my skin, and tears welled in my eyes.

I’m a monster.

It was as if that realization drained all the energy I had left, and I slumped down into the sheets, succumbing to sleep after viciously fighting it all night long.

I woke after noon, sweaty and with my head swimming like I was hungover. I groaned and kicked the covers off, reaching for my phone next and frowning when there was nothing more to look at on the screen than my background photo — one of me and Joel hanging out in his dorm room last semester. We were both wearing CU hoodies, and he sat between my legs while I draped my arms over his shoulder. Our smiles were the kind you couldn’t fake, the kind only true affection can beget.

Where are those smiles now?

I wasn’t sure why my stomach plummeted at the fact that Theo hadn’t texted me, especially since I knew after yesterday that I needed to disconnect. I needed to stay away from him, because any time I made the mistake of being near him, I crossed lines so much that my feet were beginning to erase the pencil mark they were drawn in.

After lying in bed for another twenty minutes, I dragged myself into the shower and then up on deck to work. I needed something to distract me from my thoughts, and so I begged Emma to give me a task, and though she looked at me with a cocked brow like she knew something was off, she didn’t press. Instead, she set me to work doing the crew laundry and polishing tableware, and I lost myself in those mundane tasks for the rest of the day, retreating to my room around dinnertime.

When I did, my sister called.

“Hey, sis, how’s life of the rich and famous going?”

Just hearing her voice broke the last twig of self-control I had, and I sucked in a sob, trying to hold myself together.

“Oh, Aspen,” Juniper said softly. “Are you okay?”

I laughed through the next wave of emotion that hit me, shaking my head as I leaned back against the headboard of our bed. “Just peachy.”

“What happened?”

My eyes welled with tears again. “I’m afraid to tell you.”

“Why would you ever be afraid of telling me anything? I’m your sister — if anyone has your back, it’s me.”

I sniffed. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Not possible. Now, answer my video call request and tell me everything.”

My eyes blurred even more when the video chat connected, and my little sister held her coffee close to her chest, encouraging me to fill her in until I broke down and did. I told her everything — what Theo said to me in the hot tub, how I could see how I affected him when he got out, the pool party, Positano. I spilled everything until my face was hot with shame and it was all I could do not to bury my face in my hands to avoid the way my sister was looking at me now.

Like she had no idea who I was.

Join the club, sis.

“You hate me, don’t you?” I asked on a sniff.

“No, no,” she assured me, sighing before she took a sip of her coffee. She paused for a long moment before she spoke again. “I think we all lose our way from time to time. You know?”

I nodded, looking down at my hands in my lap.

“You held hands with another man, Aspen.” She lowered her voice, looking around like she was afraid my parents might hear her where she was set up in her old bedroom at their house. “You almost kissed him.”

“I know,” I said, covering my face with my hands.

“That’s… cheating .”

“ I know ,” I repeated, groaning before I dragged my hands down my face and let them fall into my lap. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Juniper. I…” I shook my head, throwing my hands up. “I’m feverish when I’m around him, and yet I’m addicted to the heat. And with Joel…” I pressed my lips together against the emotion in my throat. “I don’t even know who he is anymore. I’ve never seen this side of him, and now that I have…”

I paused, shaking my head, not willing to finish that sentence.

“Nothing makes sense. Nothing feels right except being with Theo, which I know is the one thing that should feel wrong. ” I panicked the more I admitted, shaking my head more and more, faster and faster as every inch of me trembled. “I’m spiraling out of control.”

“Listen to me,” Juniper said earnestly, setting her coffee aside and leaning in toward the camera. “This is all just a weird string of coincidences, okay? You and Joel are having some issues. What couple doesn’t? He’s got a lot on his mind with work, you’re feeling out of place, neither of you expected this to happen, for you to be on the yacht with him. It’s just a lot of unexpected stress, that’s all.”

I nodded, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.

“But the ball is still in your court. Okay? You still get to decide what happens from here.”

“What do I do?”

Juniper shrugged. “Nothing has actually happened yet, right? I mean, the hand holding, but it was just for a moment, and you stopped the kiss.”

My gut churned at the memory, at how much I wished I hadn’t stopped the kiss.

But I didn’t tell Juniper that.

“Just take it back to friendship. Set boundaries with Theo, whether that means staying away from him or having a conversation the next time you’re together.”

My stomach twisted again.

“And sit Joel down tonight. Don’t take no for an answer. You two need to work this out.”

I sighed, nodding, my lips rolling together as I fought back the urge to tell her that staying away from Theo was the last thing I wanted to do.

She was right.

I wasn’t a cheater. I wasn’t the kind of girl who would betray my boyfriend of almost four years just because some rich, beautiful man messed with my head.

But what if he’s not messing with you at all?

What if he actually means everything he’s said?

I shook my head, denying the possibility before it could even fully bloom. “Thank you, Juni,” I said, shoulders slumping on my next sigh. “I wish you were here.”

“Oh, trust me — so do I.” She smiled, but her eyes watched me with pity. “Are you going to be alright?”

“Yeah,” I promised with the best smile of my own that I could manage.

“Call me if you need anything , okay? No matter what time it is here or there. If you need someone, or if anything happens, I’m just a call away.”

I nodded again, and then we ended the call and I slunk back into bed, covering my head with the sheets.

***

Later that night, Joel stumbled into our cabin like a rhino in a room full of bowling pins.

The door slammed back against the wall, and he cursed, laughing at himself as he managed to shut it again. Then, he tripped over something, falling into the dresser and knocking half of what was on it off onto the floor. He laughed again as I rubbed my eyes and reached over to turn on the lamp beside the bed.

“Joel? What’s going on?”

“Shhhh,” he said, smiling as he held his finger to his lips. “I’m trying not to wake my girlfriend up.”

I smirked at his slurred words, at how much he looked like the young boy I met at CU in that moment. His hair was mussed, his cheeks rosy, eyes a little glazed and low.

“Hmm… well, I think it’s safe to say she’s already awake.”

Joel launched himself into bed, climbing on top of me and wrapping me up like a burrito. “Well, in that case,” he said, leaning back long enough to peck my nose. “Hi.”

I chuckled. “Hi, there. How are you feeling?”

“A little tipsy.”

I arched a brow. “I can see that, but I meant are you still feeling sick?”

Joel shrugged. “Ah, I’m fine.”

His eyes were lazy as they watched mine, and he tucked my hair behind one ear, rubbing the skin there with his thumb. For a while, we stayed like that, and I knew by the way his brows bent together as he watched me that he could tell I was upset.

“We should talk,” I whispered. “About the other night at the party.”

“I can think of something a lot more fun than talking,” Joel replied, and then his hand slid back into my hair and gripped, arching my neck for better access. He kissed me hard, grinding his pelvis between my legs, and I felt how hard he was, his desire rolling off him in plumes.

And once again, it made me ill.

I closed my eyes, forcing a breath and kissing him back. I wanted to want it. I wanted to give in, to solve the issue with a makeup session so good that neither of us would remember why we were mad in the first place.

But then he grabbed my breast, and I remembered how he grabbed Ivy’s.

And a flash of Theo struck behind my eyes, making my stomach turn violently.

“Joel,” I said, pressing my hands into his chest to stop his next kiss.

“Come on, baby,” he pleaded, pressing just as hard against my palms. His lips captured mine again with another roll of his hips. “I want to fuck you so bad right now.”

It should have turned me on. It should have made me moan and reach for him in equal earnest, should have had me drenched with desire. Instead, it made me want to slap him so hard he’d be knocked out until the morning.

“Well, I want to talk,” I said, trying and failing to keep the disdain out of my voice.

Joel pressed himself on me harder, snaking his hand under my shirt. “We can talk after.”

“No, now ,” I tried, but Joel laughed like it was a joke, squeezing my breast as he sucked the skin of my neck between his teeth.

And something in me snapped.

I kneed him hard between the legs, shoving him off me when he bent over in a groan of pain. I jumped up from the bed, crossing my arms. “I said no , Joel!”

He was still grimacing in pain, rolling from side to side with his hands cupped over his groin. “What the hell is wrong with you!?”

“You know what’s wrong!” I shook my head. “We haven’t so much as talked since the pool party and now you’re forcing yourself on me like—”

“I didn’t force anything,” he sneered. “God, when did you become so dramatic?”

“Dramatic?” I asked with a scoff.

“You kneed me in the balls, Aspen! Do you know how much that fucking hurts?”

His eyes were wild now as he watched me, like no version of him I’d ever seen before. Still, as mad as I was, I couldn’t help but feel bad when I looked at him still grimacing in pain with his hands covering his groin.

I sighed, my shoulders slumping. “Look, I’m sorry if I hurt you, but you really hurt me . And you’re still acting like I have no right to be upset.”

“You can be upset and not knee your fucking boyfriend in the balls!”

“I’m sorry. Okay? I am.” I reached out for him, and he relaxed marginally, though he was still wincing as he stretched out on his back and let his hands fall to his sides. “I just… I really need you right now.”

Emotion washed over me like a wave of smoke, choking my next words as tears flooded my eyes. Everything I’d talked to Juniper about rang in my ears, and desperation filled me to the brim.

Joel sighed, sitting up and brushing my hand off him as he stood. “I’m going back down with the crew.”

“Joel,” I said, grabbing his hand and making him face me again. “Don’t you see how torn up I am right now? We had this big fight, and then you were sick…” I shook my head. “I feel like… like I’m losing…” I couldn’t even figure out how to say it, so instead, I said, “we need to work through this. Together.”

“Work through what , Aspen?!” Joel screamed — and I lurched back like he’d hit me, because I’d never heard him raise his voice like that. Not at me. Not ever. “This is about you being jealous and uptight when it’s me who has to make excuses for you every time you don’t come hang out with the crew. It’s me who defends you any time they make jokes that you’re lame or stuck up. It’s me trying to convince them how great you are. And to be honest?” His chest puffed with each breath, and he shook his head, stepping away from me and toward the door. “I’m starting to forget myself.”

“Joel,” I choked, frowning as I reached for him again, but he pulled away.

Then, he was out the door with a mumble of something under his breath, and I collapsed into the sheets on a sob that ripped through my chest like a rusty knife.