Chapter Eight

Keylon was avoiding Winter, and he didn’t even feel guilty about it. He doubted anyone would blame him, considering the state of things between him and Winter, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to do this forever.

That was why he wasn’t surprised when there was a knock on his office door. He sighed and looked at the door, wondering if he could stay silent and hope that whoever was there would think he wasn’t in.

There was another knock, and he heard Winter’s voice.

“I know you’re in there.”

Keylon glared at the door. Winter couldn’t know for sure that he was there. He was bluffing.

“I can stay here all day,” Winter said. “You’re going to have to come out of the office eventually.”

Keylon huffed and got to his feet, eager to get this over with. He threw the door open, ignored the way Winter smiled, and focused on what he had to say.

“Look, I know you’re in love with Samuel, and I’m fine with that,” Keylon said. “I know he pushed you away when you kissed him, but I’m aware that doesn’t change your feelings, and that’s all right. I’ll release you from our bond as soon as possible. I’ve already mentioned I was looking for another shield, and while I haven’t found anyone yet, I’m sure that will change soon.”

Winter was frowning. Keylon wanted to bring back his smile, but he didn’t think he could—not if he wanted to keep his.

“I already told you I didn’t want you to break our bond anymore,” Winter said.

“I thought it was because Samuel rejected you. I don’t know how he feels about you, but I won’t stand between the two of you if you want to be together. I can’t continue being your mage if that’s going to happen, though.” Keylon would do pretty much anything to keep Winter by his side, but not that.

He couldn’t stand to have to watch Winter and Samuel together. Samuel had told him that he didn’t have those kinds of feelings for Winter, but Keylon found it hard to believe. He suspected that Samuel wanted to respect the bond between Keylon and Winter, but Keylon couldn’t help but wonder if once it was broken, Samuel would continue being merely a friend to Winter.

Winter looked left and right, then stepped forward.

Keylon had to move back if he didn’t want them to touch. He scowled at the dragon. “What are you doing?”

“I didn’t want to have this conversation in the middle of the hallway,” Winter said as he closed the door.

Thankfully, he didn’t touch Keylon. Keylon wasn’t sure how he would have reacted if he had. Part of him wanted to throw himself into Winter’s arms and beg him to stay with him, but another part was pissed.

“I don’t have feelings for Samuel,” Winter declared.

Keylon stared at him. “You kissed him.”

“I thought I had feelings for him, but I promise I don’t. I had time to think about it after he rejected me, and I now know that it was the best thing he could have done. There’s nothing between us beyond friendship.”

“You can’t just make your feelings for him disappear.”

Winter smiled crookedly. “I can’t make them disappear, but I can be confused about them and think they’re something they’re not.”

Keylon desperately wanted to ask what Winter was talking about, even though it felt like it wasn’t his business. Winter was here, though, and he was talking about it. Surely that had to mean he wouldn’t mind answering a few of Keylon’s questions.

Keylon had been avoiding this since he’d realized that Winter didn’t want him, but he couldn’t anymore. He gestured toward the sitting area by the window, and Winter headed there, looking this way and that as he walked.

Once, he’d belonged here. Well, it hadn’t been the same office, since they hadn’t lived in this castle, but he’d been at home in Keylon’s office. He’d known where everything was and what to touch or not touch. Winter didn’t.

Thankfully, he didn’t try to touch anything. He could probably tell some of the things around the office were dangerous from having lived with Samuel’s clan for so long.

Winter flopped onto the couch and patted the empty space next to him. Instead of sitting there, Keylon chose the armchair. Winter looked disappointed, which didn’t make sense because they weren’t close.

“So, what do you want?” Keylon asked.

“Well, it’s clear that I need to clarify my feelings. I understand why you thought I was in love with Samuel. I thought I was in love with him, too.”

“But you’re not?” Keylon was skeptical, even though he knew how complicated feelings could be.

Winter leaned back against the couch. “I don’t think you understand how terrifying it was to wake up in my dragon form in the middle of the forest, all alone and not remembering a thing about myself. I didn’t even remember how to shift back to my human form for a while, and I only managed because Samuel found me. He brought me home, and his clan became my home, too, but I still couldn’t remember anything of my past. I was lost.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Keylon really was. He wouldn’t have wished that on anyone, not even Carlyle. It was cruel.

“I’m sorry I had to go through that, too. The only reason I survived was Samuel. He took me home and made me part of his family and his clan. They were all I knew, and they still are in a way. I’ve only just met you and the others, and I don’t feel quite part of your family yet.” He snorted. “I know it’s my fault, and I’m working to change that, but yeah.”

Winter looked down at his hands. His behavior was so different from Alvin’s that Keylon had no difficulty separating the two. They could have been twins physically, but that was where the likeness stopped. Maybe thinking of them like that would make it easier on Keylon.

“After I found Samuel and his clan, I clung to them because they were the only thing I knew. But even though they welcomed me, I’ve always known I was an outsider. I didn’t have any memories, but I was sure I didn’t belong with them, so I clung even harder. When we came here and you told me I belonged with you , I panicked.”

“You didn’t panic yourself into falling in love with Samuel,” Keylon pointed out.

“No, but I panicked enough to believe that the affection I have for him meant I was in love. Don’t get me wrong—Samuel is a good-looking man, and he’s sweet. Anyone would be happy to have him in their life, but I don’t need to be with him to have that. I don’t need to be with him to be a part of his family and his clan. I didn’t want anything to change, and clinging to Samuel was the easiest way to make sure it didn’t.”

“He told me you kissed him,” Keylon murmured.

Winter sucked in a breath. “Yeah. I didn’t expect him to tell you.”

“From the sound of it, he didn’t expect you to kiss him.”

“He didn’t. He’s only ever seen me as a friend, and he still does. He said that kissing me was like kissing his brother, and I kind of agree, which is one of the reasons I know I’m not in love with him.”

Keylon slowly nodded. He was glad Winter had come to talk to him, but he wasn’t sure where this left them. “What do you want from me?”

Keylon told himself that Winter was probably just trying to apologize or something, but his heart was racing. This sounded different from an apology. It sounded like Winter had made a choice.

And like he’d chosen Keylon.

* * * *

Winter wasn’t surprised that Keylon knew about the kiss. It made things a bit complicated, but he’d rather Keylon know about it than find out later while they were attempting to work things out. At least now, everything was out there.

He needed to be careful with how he answered Keylon’s question. He didn’t want to rush into anything, but he was also done pushing Keylon away.

“Well, I can tell you what I don’t want,” he offered. “I don’t want you to break our bond, and I don’t want to be with Samuel.”

The corner of Keylon’s lips curled. “That still doesn’t tell me what you want .”

Winter sighed. “Not to feel so lost all the time. By opening up to you, I feel like I might lose the clan and the only thing I know, and I’m terrified.”

“I don’t think you’ll ever lose them. From what I know, they’ve adopted you, and that’s not going to change.”

“Probably not, but I can’t help how I feel.” Winter looked straight at Keylon. “I’d like to know about our relationship. Were we fully bonded?”

Keylon pressed his lips together.

Winter suspected that wasn’t an easy question to answer. If they’d been fully bonded, it meant they’d been a couple. Winter knew they had been, but he’d ignored the feelings they would have had for each other. It had been easier that way, but he couldn’t afford to do so anymore. He had to know everything, and he hoped that by the end of this conversation, he would.

“Yes, we were fully bonded,” Keylon said.

Winter sucked in a breath. “I expected that.”

“You know, you’re nothing like him.”

Winter frowned. “Like whom?”

“Alvin. I mean, obviously, you look like him, but it’s easy not to mistake you for him. Personality-wise, you’re completely different.”

Winter wasn’t sure it was a good thing, since Keylon and Alvin had been in love. “There’s not much I can do about that.”

“There’s nothing you have to do about it. I was just trying to tell you that when you first arrived here, every time I looked at you, I saw Alvin. Now, when I look at you, I see Winter.”

Keylon’s tone was almost enough to break Winter’s heart. He could hardly believe how badly he’d hurt him, yet Keylon was listening to him instead of kicking him out and telling him never to return. “I can never be Alvin again,” he said.

Keylon nodded. “I know. I always hoped I’d get Alvin back, but after we found Parker and we realized what had happened to the dragons, I knew I wouldn’t. It wasn’t easy, but I had time to grieve him. I know I’ll never get Alvin back, no matter how much I wish for that.”

“But maybe we can start fresh?” Winter offered. “I’ll never be Alvin, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a good person.” When he wasn’t panicking, anyway. When he had a hard time dealing with his feelings, though, Winter tended to push people away. It was what he’d done to Keylon, too.

“What did you have in mind?” Keylon asked.

Winter prayed he wasn’t about to be turned into a toad. He leaned forward, noticing how wide Keylon’s eyes went. Keylon didn’t move away, and he didn’t jump up from the chair he was in. He stayed still, barely breathing, as Winter brushed their lips together.

When they first made contact, Keylon sucked in a breath. Winter pressed their lips more firmly together, then quickly leaned away, just in case.

He looked down at himself. He wasn’t a toad.

Yet.

“I’m confused,” Keylon admitted.

“You’re not the only one. It’s not easy to know that I was another person before. I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. I should have given us a chance instead of telling you I wanted to break the bond. I tried to convince myself that everything would be all right if only I could convince Samuel to be with me, but now I know that wouldn’t have been the case. My place is with you, and while I’ll have to work hard to regain your trust, I’m ready to do it.”

Winter would never be Alvin, but he didn’t have to be. He could carve himself a spot by Keylon’s side and in his life.

But only if Keylon agreed to it.

* * * *

Keylon was freaking out. He was trying not to show it because he didn’t want Winter to freak out, too, but he wasn’t sure he could do this.

He understood everything Winter had told him. His heart had broken a bit for his dragon when Winter had explained about waking up alone and not remembering anything. Keylon would always be grateful to Samuel for finding Winter and taking care of him.

Things would’ve been very different for Winter if Samuel hadn’t been in the picture. As far as they knew, Winter was the only one of their dragons who’d found a clan and who’d lived his life surrounded by mages and other dragons. It made Keylon wonder why the clan hadn’t reached out to others to find out where Winter had come from, but that wasn’t something he should worry about right now. Besides, he’d get angry if he found out they hadn’t wanted to, and he didn’t want to offend Winter’s family. Maybe they’d tried to find Winter’s family, but without knowing anything about him, they’d failed.

Samuel’s clan was Winter’s family now, and it was useless to think about the past or what they hadn’t done. In the end, Winter had found his way to the castle and Keylon, and that was all that mattered.

“Keylon?”

Winter’s voice was soft and not at all the way Keylon remembered Alvin’s voice. He knew Winter wasn’t Alvin and could see it every time Winter moved and hear it in everything he said, but Alvin had been the last person to kiss Keylon. It had been the morning of the spell before they left their room to go fight Carlyle. They’d promised each other that everything would be all right, but nothing had been.

And now Winter was here instead of Alvin, and he was kissing Keylon.

Keylon shot to his feet. He startled Winter, who jerked back but quickly followed him when he crossed the room.

“What’s wrong?” Winter asked, looking around as if he expected to have to protect Keylon against something or someone hiding behind the stacks of books.

Keylon didn’t look at him. He pushed his shaking hands into his pockets and stared out the window, trying to find the right words. “I understand everything you told me, but I think you’re confused.”

There was a pause before Winter answered. “Confused about what?”

“Your feelings, mainly. Samuel rejected you, so now you turned to me because you know I won’t.”

“You think I kissed you because Samuel told me to fuck off?”

Keylon shrugged. “I can’t do this. I’ve already been through it once. I don’t think I’ll survive being rejected a second time. I understand you’re trying to do the right thing, but if it’s not what you want, it’ll destroy me. I can’t afford for that to happen when Carlyle is a danger more than ever.”

“I’m not confused, Keylon. I know what and who I want, and that’s you.”

Winter was saying all the right words, but Keylon couldn’t find it in himself to believe them. How could he? When they’d met, Winter had made it clear that he didn’t want Keylon. He’d requested that Keylon break their bond. He might have changed his mind, but how could Keylon believe it was because he wanted it and not because he thought it was all he could have? Samuel had rejected him. He was looking for someone who wouldn’t, and he felt that Keylon would be that person.

“I’m sorry,” Keylon insisted. He needed to get out of this room.

He rushed toward the door, ignoring the fact that Winter came after him. Winter reached for him, touching his arm, but Keylon panicked.

He didn’t think Winter would hurt him, not physically, but he could still do a lot of damage.

“Keylon, calm down,” Winter said. “I’m not going to force you into anything. I just wanted you to know where I stand and what I hope for.”

Keylon had never thought Winter would force him. He might be a different person, but he could never be that different from Alvin. Winter was a good man, a man Keylon wanted in his life, but he was terrified. His heart had been shattered when he’d lost Alvin, but over the years, he’d built hope again. Even when they’d started finding the dragons and Keylon had realized that Alvin wouldn’t be himself anymore, he’d thought he would still be his, in a way.

But then Winter had appeared, and the wounds in Keylon’s heart had been torn open again. He needed to protect himself. It was the only way for him to survive.

Keylon threw open his office door and ran out. He ignored Winter and the few other people he crossed paths with as he rushed out of the castle.

He couldn’t be here right now. He couldn’t listen to Winter and allow himself to fall for him. It would set him up for heartbreak, and this time, his heart would never recover.