Chapter 6

6

brITTA

W aking up in Shaw’s bed with my cheek resting on one of his biceps and his muscular thigh wedged between my legs was an amazing way to start the morning. Although, judging by the pink tone of the sunlight peeking through the blinds covering the window, it was still super early.

The only thing better than being wrapped up in my sexy biker like this would’ve been if my mom was safe.

I knew she would be thrilled I was with Shaw since she knew how much I had thought about him over the past two years. But that didn’t stop me from struggling a little with being so happy when she was out there somewhere, possibly fighting for her life.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when Shaw mumbled something under his breath, his hold on me tightening. Twisting my neck to look up at him, I found his eyes screwed shut, his brow wrinkled, and his lips pressed into a flat line. I reached up to smooth his forehead, gently swiping my fingertip across the line that had popped up in the middle.

“No,” he shouted, wrapping his fingers around my wrist to stop me.

Before he could tighten his grip, I said, “It’s me, Britta.”

At the sound of my voice, his eyes popped open. He had been deep asleep only a second before, but there was no haziness in his blue orbs when he looked at our hands, his hold gentling. “Fuck, baby. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“No,” I rushed to assure him as he turned my wrist from side to side, checking for any sign that he had held me too hard. When he saw for himself that there weren’t any marks on my skin, I added, “You seemed like you were having a bad dream, so I went to smooth your brow, but it didn’t help. My touch startled you instead.”

“It wasn’t anything you did,” he reassured me, shifting our positions so we rested on our sides facing each other. Then he lifted my hand and pressed a kiss against the inside of my wrist. “I’ve been battling with nightmares for a damn long time, and the feel of your fingers against my skin pulled me out a fuck of a lot faster than anything else has ever done.”

I loved that I was able to help him, even if only a little bit. But that didn’t make me feel much better. “I hate that you’ve struggled like that. What are your nightmares about?”

“I saw some shit overseas that I can’t seem to get outta my head.” He heaved a deep sigh, settling his hand on my hip. “And there was a situation that went sideways.” He looked reluctant to talk about it, and I wondered what it would take to get him to open up to me. “Anyway, I tend to bottle this shit up, hiding behind smiles and jokes, but I can’t do that when I’m asleep. That’s when it all bubbles up.”

I cupped his cheek with my palm, the bristle of his scruff scraping against my skin. “You know that you can tell me anything, right? I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep stuff from me when you’re struggling. I get that you can’t share some things because of club business, but I don’t want there to be other secrets between us. I’ll understand if you aren’t ready yet, though. If you want to wait until we know each other better…”

“I think we’ve waited more than long enough already, don’t you?” He stroked his thumb against my waist, and even with the sheet between us, his touch left goose bumps in its wake. “The past two years were torture, not being able to see you were safe with my own eyes.”

Butterflies swirled in my belly at his words. “You thought about me too?”

“All the damn time, baby.” He fisted the sheet in his hand. “Can’t tell you how many times I almost went up against my prez for keeping your location a secret. Drove me up the fucking wall when you turned eighteen, and I couldn’t come to you.”

My lips curved into a satisfied smile. “Good.”

“Now, who’s smug?” he teased.

“Maybe a little.” I lifted my hand to squeeze my thumb and forefinger until they were less than an inch from each other. “I would be even more so if you wanted to share with me what’s torturing you so much that you have nightmares so many years after you left the military.”

He raked his fingers through his hair with a deep sigh. “Do me a favor and don’t ever use those pretty green eyes of yours for evil. It’s damn hard to tell you no when you look at me like that.”

I blinked at him, pasting an innocent expression on my face. “I promise to only use my puppy dog eyes for good…except for when you want me to be bad.”

“Quit being so damn perfect so I can get this out, and then we can move on to much better things to talk about,” he grumbled, a serious gleam entering his eyes.

“I don’t think the average person realizes that military lawyers still get sent overseas to serve. We don’t just spend our days behind the safety of a desk,” he explained. “And no matter how much training I got at Judge Advocate General school, nothing truly prepares you to translate book knowledge to what I encountered over there.”

I stroked my hand down his chest, then traced my finger over the dragon tattoo on his right pec. “I can’t even imagine.”

“I don’t want you to,” he growled, dipping his head to brush his lips over mine. “You’re the light after all the darkness even though I don’t deserve you.”

“I love that you think of me that way, but I disagree. I think you deserve me very much.”

His lips curved up slightly, the strain in his expression easing a little. “Which is damn lucky for me since your opinion is the only one that matters.”

I winked at him. “And don’t you forget it.”

“Hopefully having your light shine on me will help me forget the life that was lost because of me.” I kept stroking his chest, hoping to offer him some comfort while he struggled with getting his story out. “There was a group of hostages who had been taken. I can’t tell you where or when because that would be crossing a line. But I can say that my commanding officer needed to buy some time for the covert team to get in place to infiltrate so they could safely extract everyone. A negotiator wasn’t available, and they couldn’t get one there fast enough. The timeline was so fucking tight because a couple of the hostages were in bad shape. It was a situation where minutes counted, so he asked me to give it a try since I was their best bet at keeping the bad guys distracted long enough to get the job done.”

“I can understand why he chose you with how good you are with words,” I murmured.

“Yeah, well that didn’t do me much good because they brought one of the hostages with them.” A muscle jumped in his jaw. “We weren’t expecting it, and things went even more to shit from there. I tried to get him out myself in the chaos, but I was outnumbered. We both got shot, and I thought for sure that was the end for me. But one of the covert guys showed up just in time to save my life. Only mine, though. The hostage was already dead, and we couldn’t even take his body with us. Leaving him behind is what truly haunts me. He had a family in the States who never got to bury him.”

I pressed a kiss against the bullet scar on his shoulder, grateful he had made it out alive. “I’m so sorry.”

“Me too.” His smile held no humor, only regret. “Not that it does much good for his wife or daughter.”

“You’re not responsible for the hostage’s death.” I twined my arms around his neck. “You tried your best to help them, but sometimes the odds are stacked against you. Just like I’ve felt like they’ve been for me my entire life until I met you.”

“I have a fuck of a lot of regrets, but l am so damn grateful that the shit I went through finally led me here. To you.”

I drifted my hand lower to tug on the barbell piercing in his nipple. Shaw was the best distraction for my worry about my mom. Maybe I could be the same for him and get rid of his nightmares.