41. Chapter Forty-One

Chapter Forty-One

Roman

S omeone is touching my hair, but it doesn’t feel like Beck. I open my eyes, confused, and see Holden is sitting above me, looking at his phone with his eyebrows pulled together. My head is in his lap and he’s playing with my hair with his free hand. “Where’s Beck?”

He jumps, his phone flying out of his hand. “Holy shit. You scared me half to death.”

A rusty laugh rumbles in my throat. I sit up abruptly, looking around Beck’s living room. “When did you get here?”

“Around 2 a.m.”

“Did he tell you?” Holden nods. Thank God. I don’t want to talk about it again.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

I shrug. I’m not really sure, honestly. I really just want Beck. “Where did Beck go?” I ask again.

“He went to talk to his dad about… everything. Where’s your phone? Beck couldn’t find it.”

I close my eyes, trying to remember if I brought it. I don’t recall taking it to Dad’s room last night, and I didn’t stop for anything before I came here last night. “I think it’s at home. In my room,” I say as I open my eyes.

He nods. “Okay. Beck said he’s about finished at his dad’s. I’ll text him and have him stop and grab it.”

A smile quirks at my lips, despite everything. “You’ve got Beck’s number. How did you swing that?”

“I gave him mine before he left. He’s been keeping me updated.”

“I, um… I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I mumble.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to—not with me, certainly. But when Beck gets back with your phone, you’re calling Alexis.”

I’m about to protest when he shoots me a glare that would make weaker men cower. Okay, it makes me cower a little too. “Non-negotiable, Roman.”

“Yes, sir,” I grumble. “So, what happened? Beck called you?”

“Yeah, told me I needed to come here. Once I got here, we talked all night. Then, this morning, he kinda transferred you over to me, and left to go talk to his dad.”

I arch my brow in disbelief. “Without killing each other?”

He gives me a flat stare. “Well, obviously, I’m alive.”

“Remains to be seen if he is,” I mumble under my breath.

He rolls his eyes at me. “Be serious. We’re fine. I told him more about the night we met. He was freaking the fuck out, Ro. Barely holding it together. Not a single bit of the usual confidence I see in him at work. It was like he was crumbling under the pressure. Like he thought he was failing. You were sleeping super deep, though. You didn’t even move when I came in.”

Not surprising, honestly. I’ve never been a light sleeper with Beck. I’ve always known I was safe with him. I think back to the night before. I didn’t notice anything was amiss. He jumped right in, like always, to take care of me. I remember him brushing my teeth and bathing me… bathing me . Oh fuck. “Fuck, Hold. I puked on him.”

Holden laughs. It’s a cackle, really. “Not fucking funny,” I growl.

“It’s a little funny, Ro.” Ugh, how embarrassing. “You realize he’s a physician assistant in the ER, right? He’s seen way worse than vomit.”

“Ugh. Still sucks, though,” I say, well, whine, actually.

Holden’s phone dings, and he glances at it. “He’s on his way back here now with your phone.”

My stomach flips nervously. I feel like last night ruined all the progress I made showing him that I’m stronger now, that he doesn’t need to take care of me and baby me. How did I fuck this up so badly?

“What’s that face?” Holden asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“I fucked everything up, Hold,” I choke out. “I was trying to show him I’ve grown, that I’m not the same fucked up kid I used to be. I failed.”

“Roman, you got incredibly fucked up information. Anyone would have reacted the way you did,” Holden says, his tone daring me to disagree. “Besides, I think he’s more messed up about it than you are. He was a wreck, Ro. Almost burst into tears like five times. He actually did once.”

My heart squeezes painfully in my chest. I don’t want him to feel like that. I don’t want to cause him distress. The sound of the door opening pulls my attention. Beck walks through, glancing at me briefly before turning away, his jaw set tight. My stomach drops out. Fuck. I knew I ruined everything.

“Holden,” he says, voice unnaturally even. “Can I please talk to you privately in the other room?”

Anxiety starts to build inside me, my breaths growing shallow. Holden notices and says my name. I don’t respond and he says it again. When I lock eyes with him, he looks concerned. “You okay?”

Well, my boyfriend can’t even look at me after I just got him back, so no. I’m not really okay. I nod. He knows me well enough to know I’m lying, but he also knows me well enough to know not to push.

Holden stands, and I drop my eyes to the couch. A hand grips my chin, lifting my face. Beck’s blue eyes meet mine, and then his mouth is on mine. I whimper—so fucking embarrassing. But I’m really too relieved to care. This has to be a good sign, right? Maybe I didn’t fuck everything up after all. He pulls away, his eyes darting off to the side. “I’m going to go talk to Holden for a second. I’ll be right back. Will you be okay on your own?”

“Yeah,” I croak out. He studies me for a second, then releases my chin with a nod.

I watch them disappear down the hallway, staring after them with what I’m sure is a sad puppy dog look. It feels like no time at all before they come back. Holden’s face is carefully blank, and my nerves go into overdrive.

Holden sits beside me, taking my hand in his, while Beck kneels at my feet. “I need to tell you something,” Beck whispers.

I nod, my throat too tight to even consider talking. He takes a deep breath, then another, his composure faltering for a second before he gets himself under control. “When Lianna got to the house today, your dad had passed.”

I blink at him. “What?”

Beck’s face crumples, his eyebrows pulling together as his lower lip quivers. Holden taps our clasped hands against my leg, getting my attention. I turn to him. “I’m sorry, Ro. He died last night.” He looks calm, professional. How I imagine he looks when he’s delivering bad news to a family of one of his patients.

Dad died. Last night. Okay.

“Is it… is it my fault?”

“No,” Holden says, at the same time as Beck’s, “Absolutely not.”

“But… I left him alone.”

“Roman, look at me,” Beck says. When I turn to him, he’s composed once more. “His liver failed. The fluid buildup put too much pressure on his organs. This is not on you. It appears that he died in his sleep. Even if you had been there, nothing would have changed. Do you believe me?”

“Are you sure?” I ask, not taking my eyes off Beck’s face. I need him right now like he’s oxygen, breathing life into me.

“Ro, this is not on you,” Holden cuts in. “Beck wouldn’t lie to you. Hell, I wouldn’t lie to you. He was sick. You know this.”

“But what about my mom? How will we know if he was telling the truth?” I ask.

Beck gets to his feet and sits beside me, pulling me into his arms. I’m in his embrace with Holden’s hand still clutched in mine, and for the first time in twenty minutes, I can breathe.

“I talked to my dad. They’re going to get cadaver dogs to the property. It’s a stretch because it’s been so long that it may be hard for them to pick up the scent, but Dad said they are well-trained dogs and have had luck in the past,” Beck says.

I nod. “Okay. Do I have to go back there? I don’t really want to go back there.”

“No. You and Holden are both welcome to stay here.”

I tilt my head to look at Holden, and he’s watching us with a sad smile. “Are you okay with that, Hold?”

He nods. “I’m good with whatever you want to do, Ro. But I don’t have to stay here.” He turns to Beck. “It’s very sweet of you to offer, but I can find somewhere else. I don’t want to put you out.”

The thought of not having Holden around everyday makes my stomach hurt. I know logically that we can’t live together forever, but he’s my best friend and I need him right now.

Beck reaches down, covering our hands with his. “Family, right?”

I’m not sure of the significance of that question, but it must mean something to Holden. His eyes quickly fill with tears, spilling down his cheeks the second he blinks. “Yeah, family,” he chokes out.

Beck gives our hands a gentle squeeze and kisses me on the side of the head. “It’s all up from here.”

It’s been three days since my dad flipped my world on its axis. First, by telling me my mother didn’t leave—he accidentally killed her—and then by fucking off and dying right after. I mean, honestly, how fucking low can you go? Apparently, about six feet. Thanks for nothing, Dad.

Beck’s asleep next to me, but I’m wide awake. I can’t sleep. It’s not that I’m sad, just more… contemplative. There are so many things I don’t understand and now, I never will. I’m not sure that I really miss my dad. I went ten years of my life without him, and I could have gone through my childhood without him and been better off. What I’m really struggling with is the idea that he abused me while he was potentially a victim himself. But, I guess some things simply won’t ever make sense, and I’ll have to learn to be okay with that.

I roll to my side to watch Beck sleep. Even though everything’s a bit of a clusterfuck right now, I’m happy. God, I’m so happy. Reaching my hand out, I brush my fingers along his cheek and down his jaw. He’s been so strong for me the last few days, but I can tell it’s taking a toll on him. A toll it didn’t use to take. I wasn’t sure what Holden meant about Beck’s lack of confidence in himself, but it’s clear now. He second guesses almost all our interactions, like he doesn’t think he’s good enough, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I need to figure out how to build his confidence back up.

I sit up, glancing over him to check the time. His alarm will be going off soon. He’s working today, but he has the next three days off, since Dad’s funeral is tomorrow. I’m not sure I’m ready for it, but once it’s over, it’ll be done.

Would it be rude of me to wake him up early? I’m looking down at him, debating, when his eyes slowly flutter open. “You okay?” he rasps.

A smile forms on my lips. It’s just like him to wake up and immediately be concerned for me. And maybe it’s fucked up, but I’m finding I am mostly okay. “Yeah, I’m good. I was thinking about waking you up.”

He sits up suddenly, almost knocking into me. “What’s wrong? What do you need?” The worry on his face makes my heart clench painfully, guilt creeping in over how much our relationship is once again revolving around my issues and my shit father.

“Nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to spend some time with you.” His eyes soften, the rough edges of anxiety smoothing away. “I didn’t know just looking at you would wake you up,” I tease.

He shrugs with a small smile. “What can I say? I’m attuned to you. It’s no wonder I couldn’t sleep worth a shit when you were gone.”

I push him back, climbing up to stretch out on top of him, my head on his shoulder. His arms automatically wrap around me. “Hopefully, we never have to worry about that again,” I mumble.

His fingers trace my spine, like he’s memorizing each vertebra. “If I had it my way, you’d never leave our bed.”

I chuckle. “ Our bed, huh?”

“Yep,” he murmurs, one hand dipping lower, fingers slipping into my boxers, while the other tangles in my hair.

“We don’t do anything slowly—you know that, right? This is twice now that you’ve moved me in within weeks. Although, I guess this time, it’s been a little longer.”

“Hey, when you know, you know. You said you’d move in. You’re stuck with me now.”

“I wouldn’t want to be stuck anywhere else,” I whisper breathlessly as my cock hardens against him. His fingers dip lower, sliding through my crease. Who came up with the no sex rule? That was fucking stupid. I shiver, rocking my hips. He moans, his cock swelling against mine as his hand fully slips inside my boxers, gripping my ass to guide my movements.

“Kiss me,” he murmurs, and my stomach flips. Don’t have to tell me twice. I rise up, and our mouths crash together. He groans, raspy and deep, tightening his grip on my hair. I reach down to free both our cocks from our boxers, and as they brush against each other, fireworks explode in my body. Really kicking my own ass over the waiting for sex thing. How many times can we claim sex-adjacent before it’s not that anymore?

His hips thrust up as he sucks my lower lip into his mouth. I groan, pulling back enough to look at him. “I want more,” I whisper.

He freezes under me. “Anything.”

“I want sex. Full sex. Real sex.”

His wide eyes meet mine, and I watch as he swallows hard. “Okay,” he whispers, though he doesn’t seem sure.

“Are you sure? We don’t have to.” I’m not sure what’s going on, but there is definitely a lack of confidence I haven’t seen in him before.

“No. I… I want to. I’m just a little nervous,” he admits in a quiet voice, eyes darting away from me.

His words hurt my heart a little. “There’s nothing to be nervous about,” I whisper, kissing him softly. I wish there was a way for me to reassure him that everything will be perfect because it’s us .

He pulls back, his eyes guarded. “What if it’s like before?”

“Before?”

He nods. “Yeah, before. Like with the others. What if you hate it? What if I don’t know how to make it good for you?”

I shake my head. “Not a chance that I’ll hate it. It’s you, baby. It’s us. It will be amazing. Like it always is.”

He doesn’t look convinced, but he gives a slight nod, leaning in to kiss me again. I return his kiss until we’re both breathless, our bodies writhing against each other. “Boxers off,” I mutter against his lips. He sucks in a breath and nods. I roll off him, slipping my boxers down my legs and tossing them aside. I’m so hard my cock aches, heavy and leaking against my stomach. He takes his off too, but it’s a little more clunky, awkward in a way I’m not used to seeing from him. He grabs a bottle of lube from his nightstand and sets it on top.

He hesitates, looking at me with uncertainty in his eyes. “Do you, um… Does it feel like we’re so in love it doesn’t make sense not to?”

I smile, my heart skipping a beat. “Yes. Does it feel that way for you?”

He nods, a shy smile crossing his face, making him look even more gorgeous.

“Are you still okay with no condom?” he asks. Once we decided to get back together, he got tested. He assured me I didn’t need to since he was the only person I’d been with, but I did anyway—in solidarity.

I settle on my back in the middle of the bed and nod with a smile. “Yeah, I’m good with it.”

He doesn’t say anything else, just stares down at me with wide eyes and shaky hands, like he can’t quite believe I’m here.