32. Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Two

Beck

W hen I open my eyes, Roman’s smiling face greets me. This is the fifth morning in a row that we’ve woken up together. We’ve texted during the day and FaceTimed at night, falling asleep together like we used to. Although, I suppose it’s not exactly like we used to, but still. For five nights in a row, I’ve called Roman, and he’s answered every single time. A couple of times he was late responding to a text, which caused my anxiety to spike, but then he texted back, apologizing for the delay. He promised he’d answer, and so far, he has. When I call at night, I’m not nearly as worried that he won’t answer.

“You look so gorgeous in the morning,” he says. “You’re gorgeous all the time, but I especially love the mornings. Those pretty blue eyes of yours are all soft and sleepy.”

My heart races, and I can’t help but smile at him, my stomach doing somersaults. “Can I see you today?”

“You want to?” His voice is so hopeful. And dammit, I really fucking do. I’ve been hesitant to be in the same space as him again, but I feel like I’m ready. He’s slowly but surely earning my trust back. And God, I want to see his face in person.

“Yeah. Do you have any plans? I could…” My voice trails off as I consider what I’m about to say. “I could, um, come to you? Meet Holden officially?”

He seems to consider that for a moment before shaking his head slowly. My stomach drops like a lead weight. Why doesn’t he want me to come to him? Is it because of what I said about meeting Holden? Was he lying to me when he said there was nothing more than friendship between them?

“I love Hold,” he says, and my blood whooshes in my ears, and I’m about to end the call so I can sob in private when he continues. “But I think we need to spend some time talking—just the two of us. If that’s alright?”

It takes a few seconds for my heart rate to return to normal, then I nod. “Okay. Yes. We can… yes, we can do that.”

“So I’ll come to you? Are you working today?”

“No, I’m off.”

The huge smile on his face brings out the dimple, and my heart trips over itself. Fuck, I haven’t seen that directed at me in so long.

“Okay, great,” he says, “I’ll let you go, and I’ll see you in a bit? I’m gonna check in on Dad and let Holden know what I’m doing.”

I don’t really want to get off the phone with him. I feel… right, for the first time in a very long time. But I know that’s just me being overly needy.

I nod. “Okay. Can you please text me when you’re on your way?”

His expression softens, and he smiles fondly at me. I may not get smiles like Holden does, but something about this one feels even better.

“Of course I will. Or, if you want, we can stay on the phone. I have a phone holder on my dash.”

I should say no. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need to be on the phone with him until he gets here. I can be a normal human being. “Yes, please. I’d really like that.” Well, okay then. I guess I’m going full on clingy.

His answering chuckle is light and full of happiness. “Okay, great. I’m gonna set you down while I get dressed, and then I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Sounds good.”

The image on my screen swoops around, and then the top half of a standing Roman appears. He turns his back to the phone and walks to the closet, taking his shirt off as he goes. Holy mother of God . My mouth drops open as I take in the lean lines of his back, my cock stirring at the sight. I try to avert my eyes, to be respectful, but it doesn’t last long.

When I glance back, he’s standing in the closet, fully naked, leaning forward to step into a pair of boxers. His balls and the tip of his cock are exposed for the briefest moment before he stands and pulls them up. I watch, mesmerized, as he shimmies into a pair of tight jeans. Swallowing around the sudden dryness in my throat, I watch as he pulls a shirt over his head. By the time he turns around and returns to the phone, my cock is throbbing in time with my heartbeat, and I’m tempted to get off the phone so I can relieve the pressure.

“Okay,” he says with a smile. “Just gonna go peek in on Dad and say bye to Hold, and then I’ll be heading your way.”

He seems to be completely unaware of my predicament, and honestly? Thank God for that. He holds the phone down around his chest. “The bottom of your chin and up your nose is a nice view,” I tease.

He laughs, the sound lighting me up inside, and lifts the phone back up to his face. I can tell he’s walking, and I hear soft voices in the background.

“That’s a really nice story, Richard,” I hear Holden say, and Roman’s face does something complicated. He tenses, and there’s a combination of affection and pain radiating in his eyes.

“Yeah,” I hear Richard reply. His voice has a strange quality to it I’ve never heard before. He sounds almost… nostalgic. “Just you wait until you meet him. You’ll love my little Rome as much as I do.”

“I’m sure I will,” Holden says, his voice gentle, almost like he’s talking to a child. He doesn’t even talk to patients like this. Fuck, how bad off is Roman’s dad?

“Hold? I’m going to go visit Beck for a while.”

“Okay, sounds good. I’ll be here.”

“You don’t have to sit in here with him,” Roman says, and then Holden comes into view of the camera. He wraps his arms around Roman’s neck, and Roman’s face instantly relaxes, his eyes closing. I watch as the tension seeps from his body.

Jealousy swirls in my stomach. Helping Roman relax like that used to be my job. I lived for the moments when he would melt in my arms exactly like that. My stomach sours as I watch the hug go on and on. Holden eventually pulls back and disappears from the frame, but I can still hear his voice when he says, “Ro, I don’t mind. He doesn’t even know what’s happening around him. All he does is lie here and talk about you. This is why I came with you.”

Roman shakes his head and frowns. “I told you I didn’t expect you to take care of him.”

“And I’m not. I’m sitting with him. Go. Don’t keep Beck waiting; you’re never gonna win him back sitting here talking to me.” There’s a smile in Holden’s voice, which cools a bit of the jealousy I’m feeling.

Roman’s gaze darts to mine and his cheeks pink up. Holy hell. It’s still so fucking good.

“Oh shit, are you on the phone with him?” I hear Holden ask, and it brings a smile to my face.

Roman sighs. “Yes, Hold.”

Holden laughs—a light, musical sound—and my stomach twists. Roman’s phone jostles, and after a grunt and what sounds like a little scuffle, Holden’s face fills my screen. His green eyes are bright as he smiles at me, his perfect teeth flashing. “Hello. Please don’t let him come back until at least 8 p.m. He needs a break from this house.”

Roman takes the phone back and glares at him. I chuckle despite myself and call out, “Will do, Holden.” Fuck, I really don’t want to like him, but I fear I may not have a choice. He clearly means a lot to Roman, he’s encouraging him to come here, and he put up with my grumpy behavior delivering Roman’s notes. That’s got to be a good sign, right?

I watch Roman’s face as he walks through the house and out the front door. The sunlight reflects off his hair, and lights up his eyes—the brown melting into yellows and golds. My breath hitches in my chest as he climbs in the car and sets his phone up on the dash. He doesn’t say anything. He seems a little lost in his thoughts, honestly. “Roman, you okay?” I ask.

He startles a little, glances at me, then looks back at the road. “Yeah, I’m good. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. So… how bad is it?” I ask, though I’m a little scared of the answer.

Roman sighs heavily. “Bad. He’s in end-stage liver failure. His mind is going. Holden wasn’t wrong. All he does is talk about me—but not me now. Me as a kid. He looks at me like he doesn’t even recognize me.” His voice cracks, and he clears his throat, shaking his head like he’s trying to shake the thoughts away.

“How do you feel about that?” I ask gently.

He laughs, though there’s no humor in it. “Are you being Alexis now?”

“Who’s that?”

“My therapist.”

“Oh. No, I’m not trying to be Alexis. Just… wanted to make sure you were okay.”

He waves his hand around dismissively. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m not gonna put that shit on you.”

Disappointment swirls inside me. I want him to open up to me about it. I want to offer him comfort the way I used to. I don’t know why he still doesn’t trust me. What did I do to make him stop believing I’d take care of him? I say nothing and neither does he, and within a few minutes, I hear him pulling up outside my house.

I force myself out of bed so I can open the door. He doesn’t hang up until he’s standing in front of me.

“Hi,” he whispers, as if we haven’t been on the phone for hours.

“Hi back. Would you like to come in?”

“Yes, please.” I take a step back, and as he walks in, his scent envelops me. The urge to bury my face in his skin and breathe him in is so strong I sway a little on my feet.

“So,” I say to distract myself. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Anything. Everything. I just want to know you. You said you weren’t the same person as before, and I want to know who you are now.”

But what if he doesn’t like who I am now? There’s a reason I’ve asked him a million questions about his life and have barely let him get a word in when he starts trying to ask about mine. Fuck. I need a distraction from my distraction.

“Do you wanna sit?” he asks.

“Yeah, sure. Do you wanna go to my room, though? It’s kinda feeling like a lazy day.”

He smiles. “I’m definitely on board for a lazy day with you.”

“Do you want something more comfortable? Those jeans look a little tight.” Heat floods my body as I think about the way he shimmied pulling them up earlier.

He glances down at his jeans and shrugs. “I can just take them off. It’s not like it’s anything you haven’t seen before.” My heart rate spikes, and I feel a flush rising on my cheeks. His bright laughter washes over me and I smile. “I’m kidding. You can get me something more comfortable.”

We head toward my bedroom, and I grab a pair of sweats for him from the closet. Tossing them out to him, I turn my back as he strips. I cannot get hard right now. It doesn’t matter, though—simply knowing he’s standing in my bedroom, undressing, is enough to have lust burning through my body.

I hear the bed creak and turn around. Roman is stretched out, lying on his side of the bed—the side he used to sleep on. He looks like he belongs there, and he does . But it’s still surreal. I climb in beside him.

His chuckle pulls my attention to him. “What?” I ask.

“You’re stiff as a board. This is not what I would call having a lazy day.”

I glare at him, but the laughter dancing in his eyes breaks my resolve, and I find myself laughing too. He sobers quickly and clears his throat. “Would you like to cuddle?”

Would I? Fuck yes. Should I? Probably not. Am I going to? My body moves before I can stop it, and his eyes widen briefly before I bury my face in his neck and press myself against him. He freezes for a split second, then his hand wraps around me, and he rolls to his back, pulling me with him. I’m sprawled across him, my nose buried in his neck, inhaling his scent like it’s the best thing I’ve ever smelled—well, because it is . His warm hands slide under my shirt, caressing my back.

“Fuck, Beck,” he whispers. His voice sounds raw and wrecked.

I nuzzle against his throat, pressing closer. He groans, tightening his grip on my body. “You can’t be wiggling like that.”

“Sorry,” I mumble into his skin, practically drunk on the feel of his body and his scent. “Why do you still smell sugary-sweet, like the fucking bakery?”

He laughs. “Not sure.”

I smile and brush my lips across his throat. His breath catches, and I can feel his cock swelling against my hip. I hum against his skin, rocking my hips a little. His hands slide down my body—goosebumps erupting in their wake. He grips my hips tightly, stilling my movements. “Beck, you really have to stop. It’s been a long time for me, and the feel of you in my arms is already pushing the limits of what I can take.”

“How long?” I ask, my stomach flipping at the thought of him being with anyone else, even though I know that’s unfair. God knows I haven’t been celibate. No, I’ve been busy chasing the high only he can seem to give me. Just lying on him like this is already a hundred times better than any sex I’ve had since him.

“Long time,” he says, voice choked. I realize that I’m still rocking my hips, his grip loosening just enough to allow it.

“I’m serious,” I whisper.

He sighs. “Well, when was the last time we had sex? It’s been about that long.”

What?

I lift myself off him, staring down at him in shock, bracing myself with my hands on either side of his head. “You haven’t…” I swallow hard. “All this time?”

He lowers his gaze. “At first, I was trying to survive. Then I was taking care of Holden. And then I tried. And it just… didn’t work. I mean, my dick worked, but we didn’t get past kissing. Didn’t seem fair to the poor guy when I kept wishing he was you.” Am I breathing? I don’t think I’m breathing. My head goes a little fuzzy, and my lungs burn, so I force myself to take a breath. “Then I focused on therapy and work. How long has it been for you?”

I shake my head. No fucking way will be I answering that.

He smiles at me. “I told you. It’s only fair.”

Ugh. “Decidedly less than ten years.”

“I’m not going to get mad, Beck. You can tell me, but if you really don’t want to, that’s okay too.”

“The night before Holden started working at the hospital. So… a couple of days before I saw you again,” I rush out.

His face is blank—not in an “I don’t care” way, but in an “I’m hiding how I feel about this” way.

After a few seconds, he says, “I don’t want to have sex.”

Well, fuck . “I understand,” I say, trying to keep my voice even, but judging by the panicked expression on his face, I’m not sure that I managed it.

“No! Wait, that came out wrong,” he says quickly. “I want to have sex. With you. For sure. Definitely. But I want to wait.”

I chuckle a little at his rambling and the blush rising on his cheeks. “I didn’t know I could still have this effect on you.”

He laughs with me, then takes a deep breath, his expression shifting to something more serious. “I very much want to have sex with you. But I want to wait. I don’t want to do it because we think it’s going to fix something. I want to do it because we’re so in love with each other, it doesn’t make sense not to. I’ve waited ten years for you, Beck. I want to wait until we’re solid. Until then, we can do other stuff—kiss, cuddle, talk.”

I nod. “Okay. I’m okay with that.” He’s been really vulnerable with me, and it’s only fair that I be vulnerable with him, too. “I, um, haven’t exactly had the healthiest relationship with sex since you left, anyway.”

He raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

I sigh and relax back against him, tucking my face back into his neck. No way I can look at him while I say this. “I pretty much… fuck and run. I don’t kiss. I don’t cuddle. I always hate myself afterward, and I never even really enjoy it during. I’m always trying to chase the feeling that being with you gave me. But everyone falls short. It was like being with you filled me up inside, made me full of good feelings and happiness. And now I leave a little more hollow than before. Like each time, I’m scooping more and more of myself out and leaving it behind. Before too long, I won’t have anything left.”