5. Gina

5

Gina

“ F riends with benefits for the weekend?” I ask as he pulls out of me with a groan, and removes the condom.

He nods, grabs a tissue from the box on the counter and disposes of the condom. “I’m into it.”

He steps back to me and I put my palm on his face. “I like being with you, Ash. This is…incredible. I just want you to know, I’m not into relationships and I have a child to consider.”

He snorts out a laugh and it seems a bit forced. “I’m not looking for anything more, Gina. Besides, your daughter scares me.”

I laugh at that. “You know I find that adorable, right?” Too adorable, actually. Seeing him around the little ones does the craziest things to me. He helps me from the table and hands me my clothes. As I tug them back on, he zips up and fixes his jeans.

My stomach tightens. “I just think we should keep this…” I wave my finger back and forth between the two of us. “…under wraps. A secret.”

“It’s just sex, Gina. I’m not looking for any complications in my life, either, and no one has to know about this. It’s for the best that way.”

“Okay.” While I’m wondering what complications he’s talking about, I don’t ask.

Once we’re both decent again, I grab another bottle of water from the fridge and some strawberries that I’d washed earlier. I set the bowl on the counter, pick up a berry and hold it out to him. His eyes are narrowed, full of questions as he lets me feed him.

“Something on your mind?”

He shrugs. “I guess I was just wondering if Zoe’s father is in her life…or in yours.” I take a deep breath at that loaded question. He must read the pain in my eyes because he hurries out with, “We don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to.”

“She doesn’t know him.” This time I snort out a laugh, and it’s not forced. “I didn’t even know him.”

“You did in-vitro or something?” he asks, real curiosity in his eyes.

I snatch up a strawberry and bite into it. As the flavor explodes on my tongue, I consider my answer. “No, what I mean is…” I pause for a second. I don’t talk about this at all. It’s actually embarrassing to be such a cliché. “Sometimes people turn out to be something they’re not, and sometimes people find out they’re not as special as they thought they were.”

His face goes hard. “Did he hurt you?”

“Yeah, actually he did.” I guess if I’m telling him this story, I might as well tell him everything.

He straightens to his full height, his eyes dark and murderous as they search my body for any kind of evidence. “Where does he live?”

I put my hand on his arm, and his thick muscles tighten beneath my palm. “He didn’t physically hurt me. He just tried to pay me off when I got pregnant, and that really hurt.”

Shock moves over his face, and his jaw clenches. “What the fuck, Gina?”

“I wasn’t a very good judge of character, just like dear old Mom,” I admit, a little ashamed of that. I glance down as my hand falls from his arm. “I don’t want to get serious, only to get hurt again.”

“Gina, I know we’re not going to get serious, but if we were, I would never hurt you. I know they call me Ash-hole, but?—”

“Would an Ash-hole help me out the way you did today, and the way you’re going to help with the kids tomorrow?” Honestly, it was easier when I thought he was an Ash-hole. I thought I knew what I was getting into, yet I didn’t know anything at all. “Would an Ash-hole take his time to pleasure my body the way you did, and give me the most incredible orgasms?”

“That’s what friends do.” The softness in his voice wraps around me, and when he steps into me, pulling me against his body, I hold him tight and the sudden need to share more overcomes me.

“It’s crazy, Mom wasn’t really in my life, and yet I went on to make the same bad choices.”

“I grew up without a mom too,” he says quietly. “I mean, she wasn’t in my life much. She’s not dead. I just have no idea where she is.”

I don’t miss the ache of loss in his voice. I work to swallow the lump punching in my throat, hating that he’s been so deeply hurt. “My grandparents raised me,” I whisper. “They were good people and they did right by me and by Mom, but, just like Zoe, I never even knew who my father was, and I’m not sure my mom knew either. My grandparents are both gone now.” My voice cracks, the pain of their loss still hurts my heart.

“I’m sorry, Gina. They sound like great people and I know it’s not easy growing up without a mom. Mine left when I was quite young, and I don’t know if she’s dead or alive. I was lucky to have a great dad who worked hard to fill all the roles. I try to take care of him now, but he’s a stubborn bastard who’s too proud to let me, and I swear to God if he asks me about grandkids one more time, I’m shipping him back to Colorado.”

There’s so much love and respect in his voice as he talks about his father, it curls around my heart and squeezes tight. To know my daughter will never have that kind of bond with a male figure guts me. I don’t want to do wrong by her, but I’m just scared. “He taught you a lot of things, I hear.”

A warm smile moves over his face. “Yeah, he’s all I have. He lives here in Boston now. I finally got him to leave Colorado. I wanted him to move in with me, but no, he insisted I needed my own space, because you know…girls.” He does air quotes around the word girls.

“He’s probably not wrong.”

He grumbles something. “My house over on Beacon Hill is far too big for one person. I bought it as an investment. Dad and I could live there and never run into each other for a week.” A beat of silence as he grins about something. “You’d like him.”

“I’m sure I would.” Not that I think I’ll ever meet him. This is a friends with benefits for a weekend kind of relationship and getting to know family is out of the question. After a long stretch of silence, I continue, “I didn’t mean to get pregnant. I wasn’t trying to trap him. It was an accident. I was on the pill, but it’s not always one hundred percent.”

“He wanted to pay you off to keep you quiet? He didn’t want the child, or for anyone to know?”

As he stares at me with a mixture of anger and disbelief, I nod, open the water and take a drink. “I’m such a fool.”

“I don’t think you’re a fool.” Once again his eyes turn murderous. “He didn’t deserve you. The man doesn’t deserve anyone and as much as it hurts I’m glad you found out who he really was. You should be with a guy who knows how special you really are.”

“I don’t think I’m anything special, but Lucian sure made me feel like I was.” I give a fast shake of my head. “I’m not going down that road again.”

He nods. “Right. Well anyway, that guy is an asshole.”

“Actually, he’s a lot of things.” He arches a questioning brow, and I go back and forth on whether to tell him everything. As he waits for an explanation, I blurt out, “The biggest thing he was, or rather is…is married. His family was in Texas. His wife stayed with his kids, who I believe were around six and seven at the time, to finish the school year. I knew his house was pretty empty. I just thought, bachelor life, you know. It turns out the furniture, and the family, were coming later.”

He gives a low slow whistle. “Jesus.”

“He was also a narcissist and a player. He had lots of women that I knew nothing about. I thought I was special. I thought he was the one. I thought wrong. About so many things. I honestly feel sorry for his wife, but one of these days she’s going to find out. I just couldn’t be the one to get in between them. I had a baby to protect from the whole situation.”

“Are you sure I can’t pay this asshole a visit?”

I shake my head no, wanting to leave that part of my life behind. “He is an admired psychiatrist. He moved to California, and I met him at the hospital.”

“You were a patient.”

“No, actually, a nurse.”

His head rears back. “You’re a nurse, and you used to live in California?”

I nod. “After I got pregnant and found out who Lucian really was, and that my uncle left me this café, I ran away with Zoe.”

“You just let him get away with it?” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I’m not judging, I’m just mad that this fucking asshole did this to you, and his unborn child. You both deserve better.”

I shrug. “I got away with Zoe, and that’s all that mattered.”

His voice softens as he brushes my hair from my shoulder. “You’re a good mom.”

“The thing is, Ash, I don’t really have anything against assholes who come right out and own it, you know. I’m not a homewrecker and never would have fallen for his charming ways if I’d known he was married. But if he wasn’t, and he slept around, and I knew about it, okay. At least let me make my choices on whether I want to be with you or not, based on truth.”

He goes quiet for a second, reflective, and I sense he’s struggling with his own demons. “I get it,” he finally says. “You don’t care if a guy sleeps around, you just want to know where you stand.”

“Exactly.” Ash has a reputation, we both know that, and that’s why I wanted to clarify that we could be nothing but friends with benefits for a weekend. “At the end of the day, I’m glad I found out who he was and got out with my daughter. I don’t want her knowing him, and even though I swore I wouldn’t, I found myself following in my mother’s footsteps. Believing the best of an asshole who didn’t deserve my respect, and he certainly doesn’t deserve to be part of Zoe’s life. That’s why I was quick to leave my nursing job and move here when I found out I’d inherited this café.”

He nods and goes quiet again, like he’s trying to take it all in and really, it’s a lot to take in. “You know Josie, my buddy Jesse’s wife is a nurse too, right? Does she know any of this?”

“No one other than Melanie knows that I’m a nurse.” I brush his hair back. “She doesn’t know much about my background. I don’t talk about my past with anyone.”

“You just talked about it with me.”

I shake my head, perplexed. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.”

“You’re telling me because it’s heavy and sometimes you just need a friend to talk to, and probably because you’re tired, and you just need a damn time out.”

I laugh at that. He’s right, and I think I’m also a little chatty because the sex was intense and now I’m feeling a little bit vulnerable, and that’s not something I like to feel. “You and your time outs. Did your dad put you in a lot of time outs or something?”

“Actually, no. I was a good kid. Never got into trouble.”

I eye him. “Why do I have a feeling your dad would tell a different story?”

He grins. “Beats me.”

“Not that I’ll ever meet him.”

“Right.” He inches back, his demeanor changing. Was it something I said? “We should probably get to bed. If I’m going to get myself untied from that chair before the kids can beat me with pool noodles,” he gestures toward the chair pulled out from the table. “I’m going to need rest.”

I touch his face, oddly needing the contact again. “I really appreciate this.”

“No problem.” He jerks his head toward the hall. “Come on, you need rest too.”

With that he takes my hand, and it’s the strangest thing holding hands with him. He guides me down the hall and stops outside my bedroom door. I glance up at him and my stupid heart wobbles. I am not the kind of girl who can have sex and not feel something. Dammit, why did I think I was? I don’t know but I need to pull myself together. I can’t let sex muddy the waters here, and mess with my emotions. Maybe I just need sleep. Yeah, sleep will help clear my thoughts and get me back on track.

“Night,” he murmurs and bends to kiss me on the forehead. With that, he walks away and I stare at his muscular back until he disappears into the small spare room. I cross the hall and check on the kids, my heart squeezing tight when I see Zoe in her bunk bed, Camryn and Tate sharing the other, which is beside it. Zoe didn’t like them stacked when we first got them. The kids all insisted they be in the same room and that worked out well, considering I needed a bed for Ash.

At least they won’t be surprised to find him here in the morning and they know he’ll be watching them tomorrow. I head to my bed, and climb in, my body sated and sore in the best possible ways. When I open my eyes again, it’s to the sound of laughter in the kitchen, and the second I hear Ash’s grumbling voice, I jackknife up and check the time.

I don’t usually sleep so soundly. It’s crazy that I didn’t hear them all get up. I guess the sex completely knocked me out. While that is great, the knot tightening in my stomach is making me question all this and thinking that maybe sex again isn’t such a great idea. I bite my lower lip and throw my legs over the side of the bed. Yes, we said we’d be doing it again, but I didn’t expect to feel so emotional. Maybe I can’t do this anymore.

I hurry from my room, make a fast trip to the bathroom to wash up and brush my teeth, and follow the voices to the kitchen. When I get there, I find three little ones on stools, all stirring batter in their own bowls. My gaze meets Ash’s and he looks frazzled and terrified, and a whole lot out of his element, but everything about this, about the way he’s trying, and doing a great job is…adorable.

Calm down ovaries.

“What’s going on?” I ask as I step up to the island and glance into the bowls.

“Mommy, Ash is letting us all make our own pancakes.”

He raises his brow, checking in with me. “Isn’t that nice of him.”

He relaxes a bit as I reassure him. “Coffee?”

I nod and he puts a cup under the coffee machine and tosses in a pod. “I didn’t even hear you guys get up.”

“I heard them and got them all rounded up and quiet so you could get some sleep.” He steals a fast glance at the clock on the microwave. “You’re not late, are you?”

“Nope. I have time for pancakes too.” His phone pings, and he pulls it from his back pocket and quickly reads a message. I note that he doesn’t message back as I reach into the batter, and dab Zoe’s nose.

“Mommy,” she bellows, and then I do the same to Camryn and Tate.

“Gina,” Camryn shrieks as Tate laughs. Camryn grabs the paper towel and wipes her little brother’s nose first. The two of them are so cute together. Camryn is seven and Tate is only two, and she’s like a mother to him. Would Zoe be like that if I had another child? Wait, where the heck did that thought come from?

“Don’t even think about it,” Ash says, pulling my attention back. He holds his big hands up, palms out.

I laugh and grab for the milk in the fridge. “Mommy,” Zoe begins, her voice questioning.

“What’s up, buttercup?”

“Camryn and Tate have a daddy. How come I don’t have a daddy?”