Five

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ATTY

It's beenover a week since I've seen Toby. Since his cock was in my ass. Since he made me come so hard, I literally saw another dimension reveal itself before my eyes. I've seriously never felt pleasure like that.

I'm not sure if it was a cock in my ass or Toby himself. It could go either way. I could be convinced of either answer.

The thing is, while we talk all the time and I send him whatever dirty pictures he asks for, I've made excuses when he tries to get together again. They're not necessarily lies, but I could totally get out of whatever I'm claiming I need to be doing. I mean, I could always go for a run later.

If I were being honest with myself—and I'm really trying not to be—I don't want to examine how much I enjoyed my night with Toby. How I enjoy the things he texts me. The way he makes me smile when I see a message notification from him. It shouldn't have been that good, right? What does it even mean? Am I gay now? Have I always been gay and Marie was my beard? But then, if I were gay, doesn't that mean that other guys should do it for me too?

"Hey."

I glance at Egon as he falls into step and jogs along beside me. Looking up, I find Noah, Winslow, and Hugo several paces ahead. Apparently, I'd been falling behind.

"You okay?"

"Yep," I answer. Because I am. Despite my internal questions, I'm not like, freaked out or anything. Just confused. And all right, slightly afraid of how it felt. Nine days later and I swear I can feel a twinge in my ass reminding me of that night.

"You've been really quiet," Egon says.

There's a part of me that wants to talk about it. I glance at Noah. He's very openly gay. Not in a flaunty way, but in a way that you know he's unphased about what others think of it.

Looking at Egon, he's a different kind of gay. Shy, almost. Oh! "Can I ask you something?"

He nods. "What's up?"

"How did you know Rakesh was it for you?"

That's not exactly the question I want to ask. What I'd really like to know is how he knew he was gay. Not that I think he is. I think he's technically bisexual. Which, I guess, that would be me too. Right? So, in a way, he's the perfect person to ask.

If I were brave enough to ask.

Egon's smile is almost dreamy, as if he's seeing it all play out before his eyes. "I guess on some level I knew when we met. Sometimes I think I might have always been into guys if I hadn't lived the role that was set out for me, you know?"

I nod because I get that in a way that many people might not. Just differently. Marie.

He laughs quietly. "I had this foolish idea that I could stop whoring around when I got to college and settle down. You know, have a nice college sweethearts story to tell my kids one day. Except I was bullheaded and stupid, refusing to listen to everyone when they told me she was cheating on me. It wasn't until I literally walked in on her trying to convince Rake to let her suck him off in exchange for keeping her cheating secret that I finally accepted what everyone was telling me."

"That sounds traumatizing."

Egon grins. "In the moment I wasn't so horrified and hurt at what I was seeing. Instead, my first instinct was fury that she was touching Rake. Granted, it was very much against his permission, which he made loud and clear. That moment led to a lot of insecurities that I had no idea I had bubbling to the surface and Rake found himself responding in a way that horrified him." He smiles and I know he's remembering something I can't see.

"My point in this longer version to the answer you're looking for is that on some level, I just knew. I laid out my vulnerability without realizing, trusting him to take care of me. And he did. It wasn't all smooth sailing. We had a huge rough patch and while I'd like to say that we'd both like to forget what happened, I think it also made one thing very clear—we can't live without the other. It wasn't just sex. Or about me experimenting and enjoying it. It wasn't as simple as a sexual awakening. What we had growing between us was a very strong bond and love so deep that it quite literally felt devastating when it broke."

"It broke?" I ask.

Egon gives me a wry smile. "Well, yes, and no. I suppose that's not really the point. Rake was just it for me. I knew before I knew. You know?"

I laugh at his riddle and shake my head.

"He is exactly the opposite of the stereotype that he should be. Geniuses—nerds—you imagine in a very distinct way—small, glasses, shy, awkward, nerdy, passive. Rake is exactly none of those things. He's tall and fit. Stoic and grumpy with big ‘fuck you, stay away' energy." I snort because that's exactly the vibe Rakesh gives off. Egon grins. "He's a gym rat. He loves hockey. He's brilliant. He's… dominant, like an alpha male. From the very beginning, he fascinated me in such a way that he was all I thought about. Which was awkward and confusing as fuck."

"Did it ever bother you that he's a guy?"

Egon shrugs. "Eh. I think with everything else happening around me at the time—my weird vulnerability that I had no idea about—questioning why I liked what we did wasn't something that I gave a lot of attention to. Actually," he pauses. "I'm not sure I've ever thought about it."

Of course, he hasn't. That feels like a very Egon thing to do. Or not do, I guess.

"Are you asking because of Marie?" Egon asks.

I shrug and shake my head. "Kind of. I think everything you've said assures me of one thing. She's just not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with."

Egon nods. "I didn't think so."

I raise my brow. "Really? Because quite literally, everyone thinks otherwise."

He laughs. "If she were your partner like Rake is mine, it would take one break up to know that you are better together. When she's important to you, when you love her with everything inside you, living without her would be… devastating. Painful. Not once have I seen more than indifference from you."

"That sounds sad and kind of pathetic," I say.

Egon bumps his shoulder into mine. "Nah. Sometimes it takes something monumental to see the truth about your situation and those in your lives. In our rough patch, the moment when we both realized how intertwined we were, I learned a whole lot about myself. One, I had some really fucking good friends. Two, being rejected can quite literally feel like you're dying. And three, it's entirely possible to be completely and utterly dependent on another person."

"Jesus," I mutter.

He grins. "Growing pains. But don't ever bring it up. It's a very sore spot for Rake. I've come to realize we needed that moment to bring our relationship to where it is now. Rake is still very sore about his part in it and very unforgiving of his actions."

"You make him sound so… human."

His laughter makes me smile. "He's softer than he looks." His grin says that's a secret that I needed to take to my grave.

"So, who is she?"

My eyebrows knit together. "Who?"

"The girl that's made you think about this?"

"Ah." Yeah, there's no girl. I shake my head. "It's not like that. It's… Marie."

Lies.

By the way Egon hums, I don't think he believes me. For a minute, we jog in silence. Then he elbows me and nods ahead. "Have you asked Noah about him and Lix?"

I laugh. "No. Why?"

"So, I'm not sure if you're aware, but the gay athletes have a club that you're only invited into if you somehow fall under the rainbow." He gives me an amused look. At first, I think he's joking, but when he continues, I realize he's not. "They get together often. As a big group when they can, but one on one during the season as we play their teams. Have you ever noticed Noah vanishing from time to time?"

My mouth opens to refute it, but… I guess I can't say that I've paid that close attention to him. Then again, now that he's pointed it out, I remember moments when Winslow said he's catching up with a friend. "Huh," I say. "Yeah, actually."

"Yep, that's usually when he's meeting one of the LGBTQ+ guys for dinner or something. During the summer, they go on a weeks-long, LGBTQ+-only cruise together. I'm invited this year- with Rake, of course. I'm not sure it's Rake's thing though, so I don't think I'll mention it. But my point is, Noah and Lix have been around each other a lot over the years. Like, a lot. They get thrown together because of the league's ‘Gays Can Play' movement and they catch up when they've played against each other. They're at events together and chat. On the cruise together."

"And they fell in love," I finish.

Egon grins. "You'd think that's where this is going, but no! They were completely indifferent to each other. They have their reasons that aren't really mine to share, but suffice it to say they both had something that held them back from paying the other a lot of attention. And then they met anonymously online. That's where they fell in love! When they revealed themselves to each other, it was kind of an ‘ah ha!' moment and everything fell into place."

"That's sweet."

He rolls his eyes. "I'm telling you because you wanted to know how I knew Rake was it. My answer is I subconsciously knew from the moment we met. But I only consciously knew when we broke up. Noah and Lix, even after being around each other for three years, didn't know until they met online. They fell in love with a personality. I guess my point is, there isn't any one way to know if someone is it for you. It's circumstantial."

I nod.

"But I think it's pretty easy to know when someone isn't it for you," he says.

"The thing is, I've known Marie isn't it for years. We've both known. But sometimes we go back because it's easy and familiar. Not because we're happy or in love. This last time, we had the first ever actual conversation about it, and I think we both admitted a lot of truths to each other. Without sounding corny or cliché or whatever… I want a fairy tale kind of love but mixed with toe curling chemistry. I don't want to settle. Marie is settling for me."

"You shouldn't. It's out there. I promise you that."

This is the part where I want to ask about sexuality. How do I find the courage to see Toby again? How do I move beyond the fear of what this might mean and see where it can lead?

It's not like I haven't been talking to him. We text almost all day. Every day. We've exchanged dirty pictures. We've had video sex more times than I can count, which is impressive since it's only been like nine days since we met.

Yet… I'm afraid to see him again in person.

"Go for it." Egon breaks me from my spiral, and I glance at him. "I can see you debating something, and I think maybe you need a little push. That's why you're asking me these questions, isn't it?"

I nod. "Yeah, it's just… this is really different. I've never done anything like this before. I'm kind of…"

"Scared?" he asks when I don't finish.

Embarrassed laughter escapes and I nod. "Yes. Scared."

"What's the worst thing that could happen?"

I nod.

"No, I'm asking. What's the worst thing that could happen by seeing them again?"

"It doesn't work out?" I say.

"Exactly. And you move on. But what's the best thing that could happen?"

My breath catches and I'm reminded of Toby's hand around my throat. Fuck, my eyes nearly roll at the memory. I touch my throat, as if I can feel his phantom touch. "It does work out," I whisper.

"Exactly."

"What if it's just really good sex?" I blurt, before I can stop myself. Then I groan. Did I really just say that out loud?

"Okay, then I ask the same question. What's the worst that could happen? And I'm not talking diseases. I trust you're old enough to know the importance of safe sex."

I laugh nervously. Yes. Condoms are a must. Something we didn't discuss, but Toby used one every time. "I suppose the answer is the same. It doesn't work out."

"Yep. And the positive is you still get to enjoy great sex for as long as it does."

"So what you're saying is I have nothing to lose."

"Considering you've given me very little to go on, from what I've gleaned—yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."

"Okay," I say, and use his encouragement to bolster my confidence. Egon's right. Even if this is just sex, it's really fucking good sex, so why not enjoy it? Besides, I'm totally jumping the gun right now. We barely know each other. It seems like putting the horse before the, uh, pond? What's that saying?

Anyway, it feels like maybe I'm jumping the gun. Ha! I got that analogy right, anyway. I'm reading far too much into this situation.

For right now, it's just sex. It might always only be just sex. And that's okay. Even if my chest says I might feel otherwise later.

We catch up to the others and I realize we've been running a long fucking time, but I've been so caught up in our conversation I've barely noticed.

"Ready to head back to the cars?" Winslow asks.

"Yep," Egon responds and looks at me.

"Yeah," I agree, wiping the sweat from my face. "I need a shower." And to see if Toby's around tonight.