32. Brodie

brODIE

" I hate you," Brodie spat at Maddox.

"Right back at ya, brother."

"Broderick Laird Butler! You dinnae speak to your brother that way," their mother shouted.

"Fucker," Brodie mumbled under his breath.

"I'd watch it if I were you, Brode," said Maddox.

"You're not me, and I'm sick of this game you're playing."

"No games. What you did to Peyton is all on you."

"What do you mean, Maddox?"

"Sorry, but stay out of this, Ma. I don't mean any disrespect to you or Da, but Brodie has to figure out his relationship with Peyton all on his own, with no interference from anyone. Do you understand me?"

Brodie couldn't believe his eyes. His mother, the one capable of actually breathing hellfire and brimstone, curled her shoulders forward and walked away in defeat.

"Maybe they shouldn't have released me from the hospital," Brodie muttered.

"Why not?" Mad asked.

"I think I'm losing my mind."

"I'm sorry, Brodie, but what you don't seem to understand is that, while you were in Argentina, Peyton's life went on."

"I do understand, and I swear to God, if anyone would let me have the keys to my automobiles, I'd be in Cambria, on her doorstep, faster than those wheels would take me. She's blocked my calls. She'll talk to you, but she won't talk to me. What am I supposed to do?"

He'd never felt so powerless in his life, and his brother refused to help him. Not only Mad; Naught would barely talk to him. Skye came to see him, but when he asked her about Peyton, his sister asked who she was. Ainsley called a couple of times, but she didn't know anything about Peyton either.

Now that he was home, there was a chance he'd be able to convince one of his friends to take him to see her, since his family refused.

He sat down and put his head in his hands. This was as close as he came to crying in front of someone since he'd been rescued. He did plenty of it when he was alone.

Brodie stormed out the door of his parents' house, went out into the field, and screamed at the top of his lungs. He screamed and screamed until he fell to his knees and sobbed.

When he felt a soft hand on his back, he was certain it was his mother. He kept his face buried in his hands.

"Brodie? What's going on?" He recognized the voice, and it wasn't his mother's.

"Leave me alone, Alex."

Instead, she sat down next to him and crossed her legs.

"Seriously. Please, leave me alone."

"You really screwed things up, Brodie."

"I know I did. Jesus. If I knew how to fix it, I would. And all of you telling me that as soon as I figure it out, you'll let me talk to Peyton, is bullshit. I don't know what the hell it is you all expect of me or how the hell I'll know if anything I think is right."

He put his face in his hands and cried. He couldn't give a shit who saw him now.

"I'm not part of this, Brodie. Look at me."

She didn't speak again until he did as she asked.

"I don't know what's going on with your brother. My guess is he's trying to keep you from making things worse. I know it's hard to understand, but I honestly don't think he's trying to stop you from talking to Peyton."

"Why won't she talk to me?"

"It's complicated, and I'm not sure I can explain it."

"Why don't you or Maddox or Naughton simply say, ‘she hates you'? Or ‘she never wants to see you again'? Instead, you say it's complicated or ‘as soon as you figure out what you did wrong, we'll let you talk to her.'"

"That isn't what I'm saying."

"You did. You said it was complicated. Even my own ma walked away when Maddox told her to stay out of it. I feel like I've entered an alternate universe. Am I in hell, Alex? Is this what hell is? Did I die, and instead of being at home, like I think I am, I'm really dead?"

Brodie followed Alex's line of sight. Maddox stood near the barn, watching them. He had his arms folded and a scowl on his face.

"If this is hell, he must be Satan because he's made it his personal mission to torture me. Do you know he talks to her?"

"He can't stop you, Brodie."

"How can I, Alex? I've been in the hospital. I've reached out to her a thousand times, and she won't take my calls. I've left her messages. I've tried to explain what happened that night, and nothing. No response. I bled over the phone, Alex. I admitted the absolute worst thing I've ever done in my life, and nothing. Nothing! "

"Tell me, Brodie."

"I can't. Don't ask me to. First, I tell Peyton, and she doesn't say anything. Nothing. Then Maddox forces me to tell him. And the result? Nothing again. Wouldn't you think that if you admitted the absolute worst thing you've ever done in your whole life, someone would say something ?"

"I think you should tell me, Brodie. I'll say something. I might even be able to help you."

"Stay out of this, Alex."

Neither he nor Alex had noticed Maddox walk over.

"You stay out of it, Maddox. Leave me alone, and stay the hell away from Peyton. You can scowl all you want. I'm a Butler too and can do it as well as you can."

Alex looked up at him. "Maddox, I'm trying to help."

He shook his head.

"This is ridiculous. I know how Peyton feels, because she told me. Brodie is obviously tortured by this. Why does it have to be this difficult?"

"He's going to make it worse," Maddox mumbled.

"See, Brodie? I told you your brother was trying to protect you, not keep you from Peyton. Right, Mad?"

"It's true. I don't want to see things get so bad they're irreparable."

Ales stood and put her hand on his brother's arm. "Please go away, Mad. Let Brodie talk to me."

He huffed and shook his head, but did as Alex asked.

She grabbed Brodie's hand. "Come with me."

"Where are we going?"

"For a ride."

"I can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Alex." They were sitting on a bench near the boardwalk on Moonstone Beach. "Getting away, the ocean air on my face, I feel like a different person."

"Brodie, tell me what happened that night at Stave."

"Alex, please."

"Before, I asked you to look at me. I'm going to ask you to do that again."

He turned his body so they were face-to-face.

"She needs you. There's a lot of shit happening in her life right now, and she needs you to help her through it. In order for you to be able to do that, I have to know what happened that night."

"Okay, I'll tell you, but if you do to me what Mad's been doing, I swear I'll lose my mind."

"I won't, Brodie. I'll be completely honest with you."

Alex leaned forward with her head in her hands.

"You told me you were going to be honest with me."

"Did you tell Maddox everything you told me?"

"Yes. Jesus, Alex."

"I get it. Now, I'm going to tell you how Peyton sees it."

Brodie walked into his parents' house feeling more like himself than he had since before he left for Argentina.

"We need to talk," he said to his parents. "All of us. I'm going to find Maddox and Naughton and ask them to come up to the house. Okay?"

"You get Maddox, and I'll find Naughton," his father offered.

"I'm already here." Maddox left the kitchen.

"And, Ma, please start acting like yourself again. It's almost like I don't know who you are anymore."

"Let her be, son," said his father as he walked out the front door.

Brodie shook his head. He planned to get to the bottom of all this craziness today, with his parents and with Peyton.

When his father returned with Naughton, Brodie asked everyone to sit at the kitchen table, while he remained standing.

"To begin, things between Peyton and I are not resolved. I haven't spoken with her, but I intend to, very soon. There is something she needs our help with. You may tell me that you don't think this is any of our business, but as Kade's brother, I've made it our business."

"Go on, son." Laird raised his hand when Maddox opened his mouth to speak. "Let him finish."

"I spent a couple of hours with Alex Avila, and she told me Peyton's ex-husband filed a petition asking for joint custody of her boys."

His mother gasped, and both his brothers stood and paced the kitchen.

"Go on," his da repeated.

"Her father asked their lawyer to fight it, but I want us to support her in every way we can."

"Of course we will." His mother spoke, and for the first time since he arrived home from Argentina, he saw the fire return to her eyes.

"I'll know more later in terms of what she's facing, but for now, I want to make you aware of it. Also, I understand Lang has been going to the boys' basketball games. I'd like to start going myself." He looked at his two brothers, who nodded in agreement.

"Finally, I'm going to see Peyton as soon as we're finished. She and I have a lot to discuss. I've been made aware of an issue with her health, and my guess is that is why Lang was able to blindside her with this custody petition."

"Brodie—"

"Ma, Alex wouldn't elaborate. She said Peyton needed to tell me herself."

He looked from Maddox to Naughton, but neither spoke.

"Mad, am I ready?" Brodie asked.

"Yes, you are."

"Alex told me you mean well, and for now, I'm going to take her at her word."

"Good."

"Can I have my keys, please?"

His father opened a drawer in the kitchen. "They've been in here all along. Well, since your brothers went to the airport in Los Angeles and brought your car home."

In the weeks between the plane crash and today, his body had been ravaged to the point of near death. Whatever health problems Peyton faced, he'd help her. He knew what it was like to fight to stay alive, to keep his body from succumbing to overwhelming odds against him. The advice Kade had given him in his dreams kept him going.

"Get up, get moving," Brodie had dreamed Kade telling him. "Keep hydrated. Keep warm." The dreams he'd had of Peyton gave him the will to listen to the ones he had of Kade.

Whatever was wrong with Peyton must be bad, maybe even life-threatening. He couldn't imagine any other circumstance in which she'd stop working entirely or allow Alex to close Stave even temporarily. He couldn't fathom her missing her boys' sports events and have no knowledge Lang had been there instead.

Brodie pulled up near the Wolfs' house, turned off the truck, and took several deep breaths. Here he was, in the place he'd wanted to be for so long. This was it—either she'd forgive him and let him be in her life, or she wouldn't.

Alex had told him to remember two very important things when he talked to Peyton. Apologize last, after he told his story, and refrain from saying he regretted anything.

Peyton never struck him as being an insecure person. She couldn't possibly think he regretted having sex with her, right? It wasn't the sex he regretted, anyway. It was the underhanded way he'd seduced her into it.

"I get that, Brodie," Alex had said to him. "But tell it the way it happened."

When he opened the truck door, he saw Peyton's parents sitting on the front porch. They reminded him of his parents. Before he climbed the steps to where they sat, Peyton's father approached him.

"Welcome home, son," he said.

When Brodie held out his hand, Jamison Wolf pulled him into a hug instead. "We prayed for you every day."

"Thank you, sir." Brodie's eyes filled with tears. "Sorry. Emotional these days."

"Don't apologize," Peyton's mom said, hugging him the same way her husband had.

"I guess you know I'm here to see Peyton."

"She's upstairs, Brodie. Has anyone…uh…prepared you?" Peyton's mother asked.

"Yes and no, Mrs. Wolf. Alex explained she's had some issues with her health."

"Let me show you where she is." Peyton's father led Brodie inside. "First door on the left when you get to the top of the stairs."

"Do you want to let her know I'm here?"

"It's better this way. Just…try not to upset her too much."

"I don't want to upset her at all."

"Good luck."

Peyton was asleep when Brodie entered her room. He didn't expect the deep, dark circles under her eyes or for her to be as pale as she was.

There was a chair by the window, which Brodie pulled closer to her bed. When he did, she opened her lids and blinked.

"You're not dreaming, sweetheart."

"Brodie." She sat up and clutched the pillow in front of her. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you, Peyton. How are you?"

"I'm okay." She shifted and held the pillow closer.

"Alex told me you've had some health issues."

"Is that what she said?" Peyton smirked and looked away from him.

"I'm not here because you're ill."

"You shouldn't be here at all."

Brodie closed his eyes, focusing on all the things Alex told him not to say.

"Peyton, the last time I saw you?—"

"I don't want to hear this, Brodie."

He leaned closer and tried to hold her hand, but she yanked it away.

"I need to tell you, Peyton. It's important you know what happened that night."

He took another deep breath.

"I was traveling on winery business in San Francisco and drove back to Cambria. I stopped by your house, and Sam told me you weren't home. I went to Stave and saw your car, but you weren't there."

Brodie heard Alex's voice in his head. "Do not say you're sorry until you've told her everything."

"Before I left for up north, you told me I wasn't Kade and I never would be."

Peyton nodded but still wouldn't look at him.

"I waited. I didn't know where you were, but something told me to wait." Brodie looked up. "Or someone."

He cleared his throat and said a silent prayer that he wouldn't cry when he told her what he'd done. He wouldn't ask her forgiveness. He'd tell her, and then she could decide what was next for them.

"I didn't say much when you invited me inside. God, Peyton, this is so hard. When I made love to you that night, I didn't use a condom."

He didn't look at her. He couldn't. He had to keep talking, or he'd never tell her the truth.

"I did it on purpose, Peyton. I made love to you without a condom because I wanted to tie you to me, forever, whether you wanted me or not. It was the only way my deranged brain could think of."

She was crying, but he couldn't stop now. This was his one shot to tell her everything, and no matter how hard it was to continue, he had to be man enough to admit what he'd done.

"I didn't ask if it was okay. I didn't ask if you were on birth control, because I didn't want you to stop me. I've never had sex with anyone without a condom. Never.

"After, when you looked into my eyes and begged me not to say I was sorry, God, Peyton. I've never felt like such an asshole. I took your choice away. I forced myself on you, into you. And the first thing you said was for me not to be sorry."

Peyton turned her body away from him, crying into the pillow she held so tightly against her.

"When I heard you sobbing that night, like you are now, my heart broke over what I'd done. I was filled with shame, not because I was with you, but because of what I had done to you. I knew what I was doing, and I did it anyway."

There was more. He had to finish, and when he did, he'd walk away. It was clear to him now that she'd never forgive him, and why should she? He was a lying, conniving bastard.

"I drove as fast and as far from you as I could. When I got to the airport in Los Angeles, I took the next international flight available. That's how I ended up in Argentina."

Brodie cleared his throat and wiped away the tears he couldn't stop from falling. "I fled, knowing I couldn't stay away from you. I was too weak. And, Peyton, I couldn't apologize either because if I had the chance to do it differently, I wouldn't. What kind of man does that make me? I tricked you and manipulated you. I was ready to beg you to let me be a substitute for the man you truly loved. I knowingly tried to force you to have my child."

It was a long time before Peyton turned her body toward him. She wasn't crying as hard, but tears still rolled down her cheeks. He looked into her eyes. "I'm sorry, Peyton, but not for making love to you. The only part I'm sorry for is trying to manipulate you into spending your life with me."

"Brodie…"

He loved hearing his name on her lips, but there was more he had to tell her.

"I came very close to dying after the plane crash. I dreamed about you and Kade. I dreamed he was telling me how to stay alive, but you were the reason I wanted to. I slipped in and out of consciousness, and if the search party hadn't arrived when it had, I'm not sure I would be here."

Brodie moved closer and rested his hand beside her, hoping she'd reach out to him, but she didn't.

"There's more, but it isn't important, Peyton. The only important thing is that you know this—I love you. It may seem crazy since we haven't known each other that long, but I love you, and nothing can change that. I love you so much that I fought to stay alive so I could come back and tell you. More than anything, I want to spend my life with you. I want to be a father to your boys, and I want to make more babies with you. I want you to choose to be with me, not because I forced you, but because you want to. I want you to be with me because you love me, Peyton."

Brodie rested his head on the bed, next to where she lay. Telling her everything weighing so heavy on his soul had taken every ounce of energy in his body. His fatigue was the same as it had been when he was rescued and the helicopter flew him away from the plane's wreckage.

Before he could get up, he felt Peyton's fingers run through his hair. He couldn't move, even to breathe, for fear she'd stop. His body craved her touch, and the loss of it so soon after he'd felt it, would devastate him. The place where he rested his head was damp with his tears, but he wasn't ashamed of them. Crying meant he was alive.

He thought about the day he met Peyton. The cold wind from the ocean had stung his face with sand, and he remembered being grateful to be alive that day too.

"Brodie," she whispered. "Please look at me."

He raised his head, knowing what she was going to say. He'd prepared himself, but not for the depth of hurt that pulsed through his body, anticipating, knowing , she was going to ask him to leave. His gratitude for being alive dissipated. Without Peyton in his life, he'd rather have died in the crash.

Peyton rested one hand on his while she shifted the pillow away from her stomach with the other, tossed it to the floor, and moved the blankets covering her away. She reached down and raised the oversized T-shirt she was wearing, took his hand, and brought it to her bare abdomen.

"She's fought to stay alive too, Brodie."

His eyes, already red from tears, filled again as they looked from her face to her belly, then returned his gaze to hers.

"Peyton…I…"

She shifted on the bed and pulled him toward her. "Hold me, Brodie. Hold us." She leaned forward so he could put his arm around her, and nestled close to him. He splayed his fingers on her stomach.

"I'll never be cold when I sleep with you, Brodie. You keep me warm."

He cried again then, his head resting against hers. "I don't know what to say."

"There isn't anything more to say."

Brodie heard the bedroom door creak and opened his eyes. Alex peeked inside, smiled, and closed the door behind her. He wasn't sure how long he and Peyton had been asleep. Maybe a few minutes, maybe an hour.

The fatigue he'd felt earlier was gone. The hurt that had pulsed through his body was replaced by an energy so powerful that he worried he'd scald the woman sleeping in his arms. His woman. The woman carrying his baby. From his most shameful act came the most precious love he'd ever known.

"I love you, Peyton," he whispered before letting his heavy eyelids close again.

"Mom?"

Brodie woke again at the same time Peyton did, and saw her two boys standing in the doorway. He motioned for them to come closer. When they came over, taking turns hugging him, he prayed he wasn't dreaming. The scene surrounding him was almost too good to be true. He looked at Peyton, feeling the love he saw in her eyes.

"Did you tell him about our baby sister, Mom?" Finn asked.

She smiled. "I did."

"Did he think of a name yet?"

Brodie smiled too. "Not yet, buddy."

Finn was wearing shorts and pointed to his leg. "Look, you can hardly see my scar anymore."

"Wow, that's amazing. I hope my scars heal as well as yours did."

Brodie's eyes met Jamison's, who hadn't said anything since he entered the room. "Come over here, buddy." Brodie pulled him close so the boy's head rested against his chest. The same dampness he'd felt earlier from his own tears spread on his shirt.

Peyton rested her hand on her son's head. "It's okay, Jamie. Everything is going to be okay."

"Don't leave again," Jamison said against Brodie's chest.

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

The bedroom door flew open, and Alex spilled into the room. "Told ya." She jabbed Maddox, who followed her.

"Yes, you did." He smiled.

"Someday, you'll learn."

"What will I learn, Alex?"

"That I'm always right."

Maddox looked at Brodie and Peyton. "What I'll really learn is to tell her she's always right, whether she is or isn't."

"This room is getting crowded," Peyton's dad said, shifting so her mother was standing in front of him. "Let's take this party downstairs."

Peyton tightened her grip on Brodie's arm. "We'll follow in a minute, okay?"

"Of course. Come on, everybody." Her father herded everyone from the room and closed the door behind him.

"I almost lost the baby a couple of times, Brodie, so the doctor recommended bed rest. That's why I'm staying here, with my parents. They've been a huge help with the boys, so has Alex."

"Whatever we need to do, Peyton. I'm with you every step of the way."

"I'd like to go home," she told him.

"We can make that happen."

"But—"

Brodie's eyes bored into hers. "When I say every step of the way, I mean everything . Whatever you need or want, I'll take care of."

"Let's go downstairs. We can discuss this later. You may want to take some time to think it over before you jump in with both feet."

"How long did you think about jumping in when you realized you were pregnant?" he asked.

"If you mean how long did I think about keeping the baby, there was never any question I would."

"Same for me, sweetheart. No questions, no doubts, no nothing. I love you, Peyton. There are things we need to discuss. We went from no communication at all to me taking you home. There's a lot in between we didn't say."

"You mean there's a lot I didn't say," Peyton challenged him.

"By your actions alone, I'm assuming you want me in your life. For now, I'll take whatever you're willing to give."

She hung her head. "I'm not ready to say the words you want to hear."

"I'm not pushing, sweetheart, but there is something I need to know."

"What's that?"

"Have you forgiven me?" Brodie asked.

Peyton took a deep breath and stared into his eyes. "Forgiven you? No. I knew what we were doing that night, too. You didn't trick me or manipulate me. I wasn't intentionally trying to get pregnant, but I didn't stop you from making love to me without protection. So what's to forgive? I misunderstood your reaction that night. I hated thinking you regretted what we'd done. I hated you for leaving me too, but that wasn't what you were doing."

"It wasn't. It's so cliché, but it wasn't you; it was me."

"I understand that now. It might be more difficult to leave it behind us and move on with our lives, but there are two things—more, really—that I've learned in the last few months. Life is short, and those you love can be taken from you in an instant. I lost Kade, and then I thought I lost you. When I believed I'd lost our baby, I was devastated. I don't want to waste more precious time, Brodie."

He lowered his head and brought his lips to hers. He'd dreamed so often of kissing her. Having her in his arms felt like a miracle, but the intimacy of sharing a kiss, one filled with passion and even love, was more than he'd ever expected. If they didn't stop now, he wouldn't be able to leave the room without embarrassing himself and everyone else. He pulled away, but held her close.

Peyton sighed. "We should go downstairs."

"Should I carry you?"

She laughed. "As I told Alex, I'm pregnant, not paralyzed. I can walk. I just need to stay off my feet as much as possible."