32. Clarissa

I walk upthe sidewalk with my luggage trailing me, tucking my shoulders to shield myself from the wind chill wrapping around my bones. Rissa opens the door and gives me a close-lipped smile. She opens her arms, and I fall forward into a hug. I grip her like she’s the only thing keeping me rooted to the ground, and in this moment, she is.

“It’s okay, Lis. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there with you,” she says, but I don’t respond. I keep playing the fight over in my head as I hold her tighter. After a few minutes, she pulls my suitcase inside and closes the door. The smell of fresh popcorn fills her living room, and I look back.

“Rissa.”

“I know it’s not going to fix everything, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.” She shrugs and gives me a loose smile. “I have the movies lined up for you to pick.”

I wipe my eyes and say a prayer for friends like Rissa. When I called her from my car after sitting parked for twenty minutes, she didn’t make me feel like my decision was wrong. She didn’t ask me to justify why I was having second thoughts. She just listened.

She stayed on the phone until I got to her place.

“The guest room is set up—” She’s interrupted by Derrek creeping down the hall. I turn away to hide my face, but not before I catch the grimace. I’ve cried so much today for so many reasons. I know my eyes are swollen.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude. I was just leaving,” he says. I nod but never look up from my feet.

“Lis, why don’t you get your stuff unpacked? I’ll be right behind you.”

I release a breath before pulling my luggage down the hall. Their voices fade as I practically jog to leave the room.

Rissa’s condo is designed in her image. There are large gold picture frames throughout of Black women, paintings, sketches, and silhouettes at every turn. The colors are mixed, flowing between hot pink, orange, gold, and turquoise. If you saw any one piece, you’d think it was too busy, but somehow, she put it all together and it’s fun and cozy.

The room is much like the rest of the house, and I roll my suitcase to the closet. Around the desk are pictures from our summer trip to the water park in seventh grade. We’re standing back-to-back with our hair wild and the biggest grins. I pick up the picture frame and smile. I’m not sure how I would get through this if I didn’t have my best friend. I look over to my single suitcase and a tear slides down my cheek. I do love Tyree, but I can’t stay. I can’t be there.

It probably doesn’t make sense to cry over a decision I made. I keep flashing back to the memory of Tyree begging me to stay, and my stomach twists so hard, I fall to the bed. Seeing him so hurt killed me. I sniffle and wipe my cheeks hastily as someone passes the door. It’s Rissa, and her face falls when she sees me.

“Lis,” she says, and the rest of her sentence gets caught in her throat. She comes to the bed and sits next to me.

I wipe my face again, but more tears fall. “I’m really trying to stop.”

“In your words, feel your feelings. A lot has happened.”

And it has.

“You want to talk about it?” she asks, nudging my shoulder. On my way here, we didn’t actually talk. She just listened to me drive in silence to make sure I got here safely. I’m not sure I was ready then, and I don’t feel all the way ready now, but my lips proceed to move.

“You know, after we talked that day with the errands, I brought it up to him. I told him about trips I dreamt of”—I pause to wipe my eyes—“and how I felt stuck.”

She reaches for my hand and nods for me to continue.

“Rissa, he didn’t hear me. He couldn’t see what was right there. He started talking about how busy he was, how traveling wasn’t something he wanted to do. He started talking about having babies within six months and how we wouldn’t be able to travel with them for at least five years.”

She squeezes my hand, and I look up into her eyes. “Suddenly, the life I wanted felt like quicksand. I was sinking deeper and deeper, and he was talking about daycare.”

“Oh, Lis,” she says, pulling me into a hug.

“This man I chose couldn’t even remember I hate oranges. But he had names picked out for a boy or girl.”

“Lis, damn. I hate you’re dealing with this, but if I’m honest, I had my doubts.”

“Really?”

“Really. Tyree is not a bad guy, and I know y’all love each other. But love isn’t always enough.”

We sit in the dimly lit room, and it’s quiet for a moment.

“I keep asking myself if I would have noticed. If he never moved back. Would I have been happy?”

I ask the questions set deep in the recesses of my mind. He showed up, and somehow, everything black and white changed to color. There was a difference.

I didn’t dig into what that meant, but I had a new awareness. With that awareness came the crumbling of my world.

“Have you talked to him?”

Rissa doesn’t say who him is, but I know. I shake my head, and she squeezes my hand.

“Lis—”

“I’m not ready. It’s too much. I have to work out my life,” I say with a fresh crop of tears falling down my cheeks.

She takes a deep breath and pulls my attention.

“Okay, we’ll worry about life tomorrow. Tonight, we eat popcorn and watch movies.”

We stand and walk to the living room, and I take a seat on the couch.

She runs into the kitchen and comes back with two large bowls. One bowl is shoved into my arms as she plops down next to me.

She hands me the remote and gives me all the options. She thought of everything—romcoms, action, thrillers, and horror. A collection that includes whatever I might be in the mood for.

I pick action because seeing things get blown up is the headspace I’m in. It takes a minute to get lost in it, but eventually, I do. I focus on the story and the actions of the characters, and suddenly, my troubles aren’t at the forefront.

We get to a scene that makes Rissa squirm. It’s the action scene where the hero finally gets his revenge. She’s always been a bit more squeamish than me, so when I look over to see her dozing, I laugh. As I lie back on the couch, I pull the popcorn closer and eat a handful.

My phone dings and I reach into my pocket, careful not to wake her. It’s a text message.

I bite my lip and look over to the side, and Rissa is sprawled out with popcorn on her sweater as she lightly snores. I focus back on my phone and stare at his text, but I can’t move.

Tyson: I miss you.

Tyson: Please say something.

I read the message over and over before I close out of the text thread and pull my knees to my chin. I sit like that as the movie plays and Rissa snores. I just don’t feel ready.

“When do you have to be there?” Rissa asks, walking in from the kitchen.

“In a few hours if their plane is on time. Mom said he’s walking and talking, but the plan is as soon as they get here, he needs to see his doctor.”

“I’m so sorry, Lis. I can’t believe a three-week vacation turned into five.”

“I know, but they had to wait to move him.”

I’ve been staying with Rissa for four weeks now, and things still don’t feel real. I talk to my parents every day, but it’s not enough. I need to see them. To hug them myself and make sure they’re okay. That has been enough to keep my focus, but it’s the quiet moments that get me. When I wake up, I expect to see Tyree.

A few times after work, I’ve found myself driving to my old place instead of Rissa’s. On top of that, Tyson sends me texts daily. I never respond, but I think he can see they’ve been read. He’ll ask me how my morning was, or if I ate today. I never told him about my dad, but he must have talked to Rissa because he asked about my parents too.

“I have a fitting, or I would come with you,” Rissa says with a sad lilt.

“Don’t worry about it.” I wave her off. I know she’s busy, and I don’t mind being by myself for a little while. Since I’ve been here, she’s rearranged her schedule, going in later and coming home earlier to check on me. It’s nice, and I appreciate her so much, but I want a little bit of a breather.

She smiles and pulls me into a side hug.

“Enough about my stuff. What’s going on with Derrek?” I ask, and she lights up like a kid on Christmas.

“He’s so sweet, Lis. But I can’t talk about that while you’re going through—” She hesitates while looking at her feet.

“Please don’t do that. It’s okay to be happy. I don’t want you to hide your joy because my life is a mess right now,” I say.

She nods and moves to lean on the kitchen counter.

“I really like him.” She covers her face, and I come up to hug her.

“That’s great. Just don’t make yourself an obstacle.” I pat her shoulder, and we go back to making coffee. My phone chimes as we talk.

Tyson: How are you? I know your parents fly in today. Let me know if you need anything.

I peer up from my phone and narrow my eyes at Rissa.

“How does Tyson know about my parents flying home?”

Rissa looks up and narrows her eyes, mimicking my face. She hums and slowly shakes her head. “He could be clairvoyant.” She shrugs, and I tilt my head to the side.

“What?” she asks, and I give her a face.

“Have you canceled everything?” she says, changing the subject, and I release a breath while shaking my head.

“I—not yet. But I will.”

“Lis, when you get back, we’ll split the list. I can even have Jonathan help.”

I rush to hug Rissa, and my throat gets tight. “Thank you, that would be amazing.” It’s one of those things that I know I need to do, but I keep putting it off. It’s too early in the day to talk about bad news, so I tell myself I’ll cancel wedding stuff after lunch. Except lunchtime comes and goes, and I push it to the next day.

“I knew I should have asked sooner,” she says with her hands on her hips. Rissa pulls me into a hug, and I wipe my eyes.

“It’s okay not to be okay. This is a transition,” she says, and those words couldn’t be any truer. I nod but don’t speak.