28. Clarissa

“Okay, okay!”I scream and push Rissa, needing air. I’m tired of being pulled like I can’t walk.

“I guess this is fine too? Lis, wake up, baby. What are you doing?” Rissa asks, shaking her head.

“Me? I didn’t ask?—”

She cuts me off and scoffs. “You didn’t ask? Please don’t say you didn’t ask for this like it just happened to you. Look around, Lis,” she says with her arms outstretched, pointing out our surroundings. “This is on you, baby. Point-blank period!”

I fold my arms under my chest, already shaking my head. How could this be on me?

Tell me you feel it too.

Tell me your gut twists when we’re in the same room.

“I can’t do this!” I scream and fall to the ground. Nothing else matters at the moment. Not the dewy grass wetting the fabric of my favorite skirt or the beating of my heart as tears continue to spill down my cheeks.

Rissa stops pacing, and her face falls. She comes over and sits next to me, throwing one arm over my shoulder. We don’t speak, but my soft cries fill the night air, coupled with insects chirping and cars driving by in the distance. The moon is the only light outside.

“Lis, I love you forever. You’ve been my best friend in this world since we were ten. But you’ve been playing with fire,” she says with her hand up, stopping me from speaking. “That boy has been looking at you like you’re his last meal since he arrived.”

I throw my head back and scream.

“What the fuck, Rissa?”

“Indeed, Lis. What the fuck?’ She pushes my shoulder with hers.

“So what, I’m supposed to choose? My wedding is in four months. What is happening?” I ask, pressing my palms into my cold cheeks, still wet with tears.

“Clarissa, when you showed me your wedding bible book, I was on it because you were. When you hated Janet for wearing open-toed sandals identical to yours, I hated her too. But Lis, you made it so that the most important thing in the world was floral arrangements and a custom dress.” I’m sniffling, and my shoulders shake as she continues, “Instead of the man standing next to you. Who do you choose? Really, Lis?”

She pulls my hands from my face and wipes my tears. “I don’t know. I always thought the most important person was you. Lis, you are the special sauce. You’re the prize, the end goal. You got the juice.” She laughs, and I join, but mine is mixed with sniffles.

She presses her hand over my heart. “I always wanted you to choose you,” she says with a smile, and I break down. I fall into her arms and cry harder than I ever thought possible.

“It’s fine. It’s going to be fine,” she says, rubbing my back as my tears wet her top. My stomach is churning, and a pain I can’t name is twisting my insides.

Tell me you feel it too.

Tell me your gut twists when we’re in the same room.

“It’s not, Rissa. It’s not fine,” I sob.