15. Macy

Chapter 15

Macy

I suck my bottom lip between my teeth and bite down, trying not to cry again. I swear I'm normally not a crier. I typically can swallow down my emotions and hide behind a bitchy mask, but not today.

Right now, I feel like every emotion is being displayed across my face for the world to see. I feel like the walls I've built to keep Cord out are quickly crumbling down around my feet, no matter how hard I fight to keep them standing. It's too hard to slip behind the mask, even if I want to.

"Look at me, Mace," Cord says softly. He takes my hand and gently cradles it in his large one. When I don't lift my gaze from the menu, he softly squeezes my hand until I do.

"What?" I try to put as much sass into the word as I can, but it still sounds timid and heartbroken.

"I'm sorry if I ever let you feel like you weren't enough. If I ever somehow made you feel like the fans were more important than you. Babe, you've always been the most important person in my life and my biggest regret. If I could tell my younger self one thing, it would've been to hold on tighter to you because life sucks without you. I would've somehow made fans stay away or put-up boundaries."

"How would you have done that?"

"Fuck, I don't know, Mace. I just would've made more of an effort. I would've exhausted every resource I had at my disposal to keep you with me." He trails his thumb back and forth across the back of my hand, soothing me just like he always did.

"You can't force fans to stay away, Cord. It never would've worked."

"You're right, but now that I've been doing this for a while, I've figured some things out." He lifts his shoulder in a shrug.

I open my mouth to ask him what he means, but Tim appears with our drinks and I patiently wait. I don't want to have this type of conversation with an audience.

"Are you ready to order?" He glances from Cord to me and back again.

"We'll take two fajitas. One chicken and one steak. I'll take the chicken with extra veggies and no shells. She'll take her steak cooked medium with flour shells and extra guacamole."

"Great. I'll have that out to you as soon as it's ready." Tim smiles and turns to leave.

"Oh, can we also have some chips and queso? "

"Of course."

As soon as Tim is far enough away from us, I turn my attention back to Cord. I shake my head and roll my eyes. He hasn't changed one bit.

"What?"

"You still love to order for me?"

"Did I order anything wrong?"

"No," I say softly because Cord's always been so in tune with me. He always knows what I want and what I don't for dinner. I swear we could go to any restaurant and he could look at the menu and tell you what I'd want, and he was never wrong.

I know some women would get annoyed with their boyfriend ordering for them, but honestly, it made me feel loved and cherished. I had a boyfriend who knew me well enough to know exactly what I wanted every second of the day. He paid attention to every little detail and asked questions if he felt like there was more he wasn't understanding. It was addicting.

"What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" Cord's still stroking the back of my hand with his thumb, but now he's leaning forward, closing the distance between us a little bit more.

"What did you mean when you said you've figured some things out now that you've been doing this for a while?"

"Well, for starters, I go out with more popular players than me, or ones who love attention. Leo and Wyatt are more popular with fans, so they'll naturally want to talk to them more than me." He lifts his shoulder in a shrug and it breaks my heart.

He's such an amazing man and everyone should be the biggest fans of him. I know Wyatt does most of the interviews for the team because of how calm he is with reporters and Owen can trust him when there's a microphone in front of him. Leo's popular because he's the pitcher and he's really good.

"Smithy, Wheeler, and Holden love attention so they're great to have around too. I can quickly sign something for a fan, then duck away without them noticing because one of those guys will quickly start flirting with the fan if it's a woman, or acting like they've been friends forever if it's a guy. The only fans I like to interact with anymore are kids."

"You don't even like the fame?" My eyebrows raise, I'm more than shocked. He used to like the attention.

"Nah, if I could go the rest of my life and never be recognized by a fan, I'd be thrilled."

"Why?" I don't understand how he could make a one-eighty on this topic in just a few years.

"Because the fans stole the one thing that actually mattered to me."

"What?"

"You."

"Cord… "

"I actually considered walking away from baseball after you left me," he says so quietly I almost don't hear him. "I had rehearsed a conversation in my head. I was going to talk to my dad and explain things to him. I knew he'd be pissed, but it didn't matter. If I didn't have you, I wasn't going to enjoy my life." He smiles sadly at our joined hands, refusing to meet my gaze.

I want so badly to see what emotions are swimming in his beautiful steely eyes. I want to know I wasn't the only one hurting when I broke up with him.

It's so easy to think you were the only one in pain after a break up, but normally both parties are experiencing something. You're just too oblivious to everyone else's feelings because you feel like you're drowning in sorrow already and can't handle anyone else's emotions.

"Cord… no. You shouldn't do that. You never should've even thought about it."

"I just wanted you back," he whispers, lifting his eyes to meet mine.

The pain and sorrow etched across his features would bring me to my knees if I were standing. It's hard to suck in a full breath when I see how much misery I caused him.

I open my mouth to respond, but I can't find the words. I'm completely speechless. How did I do this to him?

"I went into Dad's office, planning to spill the news to him. He took one look at me and told me to take a seat. He somehow knew exactly where my head was. He talked me off the ledge and told me it was stupid for me to walk away from a career that was just taking off. When I got home that night, Mom was waiting for me. She sat with me for hours and talked through everything with me. She told me I couldn't change your mind if this wasn't the life you wanted. I couldn't force you into doing anything. She helped me see I couldn't give up on my future when there was no guarantee you'd get back with me. She said I'd end up regretting it if I threw away everything." He shakes his head, still lost in his memory. "I'm not sure I would've. Don't get me wrong, I love playing ball. Every time I step on the field, I feel like I can breathe a little easier and everything just feels right, but without you, I felt like a weight was crushing my chest. I felt lost and didn't know how to change that. Baseball was all I had left and I realized I couldn't walk away from that."

Before I can respond, Tim places our plates in front of us. As soon as he's gone, a few players stop by the table to ask Cord something. He quickly answers them and when they try to keep talking, he puts a stop to it.

"Hey, man, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm trying to enjoy lunch with my girl. Could we talk during practice? I can even stay late today if you need me to, but I need to focus on my girl right now."

"Oh, yeah! No problem. We totally get it." One of the younger players nods his head, giving us a bright smile .

"It's nice to meet you, Macy. I'm sure I'll see you around the clubhouse." Another smiles before he turns and leaves, making the rest follow him.

"Sorry about that. The younger guys are getting a little anxious as we get closer and closer to the season beginning." Cord shrugs.

"You didn't need to do that. You could've talked to them. I wouldn't mind."

"Nah, I'm setting boundaries now. When I'm eating lunch with you, they should respect that and let us have some time together. It's like training a puppy. If they think it's ok in the beginning, it's harder to break later on. I know where I screwed up last time, I'm not going to do it again."

"But this isn't real. It's all fake," I whisper, shaking my head.

"I know, but maybe if I can prove I've changed, you'll give me another shot. And if not, I got to spend uninterrupted time with the most amazing woman in the world." He squeezes my hand one last time before releasing it and digging into his food.

I instantly miss his warmth and stare at my hand resting on the table. I forgot how much I love holding his hand. How much I love the undivided attention he gives me. More than anything, I forgot what it felt like to be loved by Cord Powell.