Chapter 21

twenty-one

. . .

Easton

“What is your deal? You played like shit,” Archer said, as we sipped our beers at Booze & Brews. “We almost lost to The Golden Girls, for fuck’s sake.”

The Golden Girls were a group of women who were all in their sixties and seventies. Obviously, we lightened up when we played them, but they’d actually surprised me with how good they were this season.

“Hey, Marge brought her fucking A game today. That had nothing to do with me,” I hissed

Rafe barked out a laugh. “I bet Marge was hot as hell back in her day. She’s got that little something about her, you know?”

Clark raised a brow. “Dude. She’s as old as Mimi.”

Mimi and Pops were our grandparents, and they lived in Rosewood River, but they were currently on a European cruise, and they’d been gone for weeks. They traveled often and were two of my favorite people on the planet.

“I didn’t say I wanted to date her. Just that she’s a silver fox.”

“For fuck’s sake. Why are we talking about this?” Bridger grumped and reached for his beer. “I want to know why you’re being such a dick lately, Easton.”

Axel laughed. “Leave it to Bridger to ask the tough questions.”

“What’s going on with you, brother? We’ve all noticed something’s up.” Clark studied me. The dude was rarely this serious, so even I was concerned about myself.

I scratched the back of my neck. “Something happened between me and Henley a few weeks ago. It shouldn’t have happened. But it’s fucking with my head now.”

Archer leaned forward and clapped me on the shoulder. “It’s fucking with your head because you clearly like her. Stop overthinking it.”

“Dude. I need to focus on work. I don’t have time to be distracted. But we spend every goddamn day together. We work late hours, and it’s too much sometimes. I try to ignore her and focus, but it’s tough. And now I can’t even focus on fucking pickleball because she’s all-consuming.” I chugged the rest of my beer, grateful that I’d walked here. “So, tonight, I need to get laid, and that’s why we’re here. I need to get her out of my system.”

“Well, I don’t know if that’s the answer. And you know I’m all about keeping things casual and having a good time. But come on, brother, you aren’t going to forget about her if you get drunk and hook up with a random woman. She’ll be there on Monday, taunting you once again. I guess this was bound to happen.” Rafe held his hand up and ordered us each a whiskey nightcap.

“I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I agree with Rafe. How fucked-up is that?” Bridger said, and the table erupted in laughter.

“Thank you, dicklestiltskin. Glad I could sway you to the home team.” Rafe handed Jazzy Leighton his credit card when she brought the drinks over and asked her to close out our tab.

Jazzy and her husband, Ben, owned the place, and it was the most popular local hotspot in town.

“Jazzy, you can open me my own tab. I’m staying,” I said as I slammed the whiskey down.

“You got it, Easton. I’ll be back around to check on you in a little bit.”

“Wow. You really are on edge,” Archer said, concern lacing his tone. “Why is it a bad thing that something happened with her? Is it awkward at work? You crossed a line and now you’re uncomfortable?”

“I don’t think that’s it,” Rafe chirped, and I flipped him the bird.

“No. It’s not awkward. She doesn’t even seem fazed. We agreed to one night together. It’s not her thing, but she was open to it, because clearly, we’re attracted to one another.” I shook my head and reached for the water that Jazzy had set down for each of us.

“And she’s not pissed at you?” Clark asked.

“No. She seems perfectly fucking fine.”

“So, what’s the problem?” Axel sipped his whiskey, and I wished I’d done the same, because the booze was hitting hard all of a sudden.

“Come on, fuckers. This isn’t rocket science.” Bridger downed his whiskey and then slammed his glass down on the table. “He likes her. He hasn’t liked anyone since Jilly, and it’s fucking with his head.”

We all turned slowly to face my grumpy-ass brother, who normally didn’t have much to say.

“Thank you, Dr. Phil,” I grumped as I scrubbed a hand down my face.

“Is that what it is?” Rafe asked, his voice no longer laced with humor.

“I don’t fucking know. I came here to get laid, and I don’t want anyone but Henley because all I think about is her. But I just—I don’t know if I can go there, you know?” It felt good to say it aloud.

“Dude, losing Jilly was brutal. Unthinkable,” Clark said, reaching over and squeezing my shoulder. “But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t ever date again. It was a horrible accident. And I know it hurt like hell, but you can’t just fuck random women for the rest of your life because you’re avoiding falling for someone.”

“Why? Isn’t that what we do?” Rafe gaped at him.

“No. We just haven’t met anyone that knocked us on our asses yet. So we’re out there dating and meeting people—not with a rule that we won’t get serious if the right woman comes around. There’s a difference.” Clark shrugged.

“Agreed.” Axel smirked and glanced at me. “We’re all fine if we get knocked on our asses, it just hasn’t happened yet. You’re the only one running from it.”

“Actually, I’m not waiting to be knocked on my ass, and I’m not running from it either. I just find that people annoy me most of the time,” Bridger said, and I barked out a laugh, because he wasn’t lying. “But that’s not you, Easton. And you can’t let fear rule you. That would make you a weak fucker. And the Chadwicks are not weak fuckers.”

“Can we put that on a shirt?” Archer smirked.

“I know what our boy needs. He needs to activate his twin powers.” Clark pushed to his feet. “Come on. You’ll regret it if you’re hungover tomorrow. Call it a night. I just sent a text to Emerson. She’s calling you in five minutes. You need to talk to her.”

“She is smarter than all of us.” Rafe stood, and we all followed suit.

I let Jazzy know I wouldn’t be needing that tab, after all, because they were right. I didn’t want to be hungover tomorrow. And I was clearly not going to get laid, because I only had one woman on my mind.

We all walked in the same direction for a short distance, and my phone rang. We said our quick goodbyes, as I was the first one to veer off down my street.

“Hey, Emmy,” I said, my words slurring a bit.

“Hey, brother. I heard you’re having girl problems,” my sister said, her voice light and filled with empathy.

Emerson was my best friend. The best sister a dude could ask for. She’d always been my sounding board, even though I didn’t like to talk about things the way she did.

“I don’t know what’s happening to me, Emmy. I can’t get her out of my head,” I admitted, as I walked up the steps to my house. I’d told my sister what had happened in the city. Emerson and I told one another everything. But I hadn’t shared that I had been struggling ever since.

“E, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing that you like Henley. I mean, of course, the office thing is going to make it complicated, because her father is your boss,” she said with a laugh. “But that’s not why you’re holding back, and you know it. Because you and I both know if it wasn’t something you felt serious about, you wouldn’t have gone there, seeing as you work with her. You’re holding back because you’re afraid. And that’s not who you are.”

I went to the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water and chugged it after I sat on the couch. “I’ve had two pretty intense anxiety attacks this week.”

There. I said it.

“What? Were they as bad as they were after Jilly died?”

“Yeah. I have an appointment with Dr. Langford tomorrow. She was thrilled that I called, of course.” I oozed sarcasm. “She’s been trying to get me to come back for years.”

“I think this is saying a lot, Easton. You had panic attacks after you lost Jilly, and you haven’t had them since. And now, you have a one-night stand with your coworker, who you are clearly crazy about, and you have two panic attacks after you agree not to let it happen again. It’s very telling, brother.”

“I’m aware. I wanted to go get laid tonight. I figured I’d get laid, forget about Henley, and cancel my appointment with Dr. Langford because I’d be cured.” I sighed. “But I couldn’t fucking do it. I don’t want anyone else, and that scares the shit out of me.”

She sniffed a few times, and I knew she was crying. I swear, Emerson felt my pain when I was hurting. It wasn’t the same for me. When she was hurting, I just wanted to beat the fuck out of anyone who hurt her. But when I was hurting, she felt it and carried it with her like a burden. So I hated opening up to her about this kind of stuff.

Not much hurt me, and that was the truth.

But losing Jilly was the most painful thing I’d ever lived through, and I hoped like hell I’d never feel that kind of hurt again.

I’d set my life up in a way that I wouldn’t.

“You didn’t want to because you’ve found someone that you want to be with, Easton. What are you afraid of? What is the worst that can happen?” she pressed.

Was she for fucking real?

“Are you kidding me right now, Emmy?”

“No. Just say it. What’s the worst that can happen, Easton?”

“I could fall in love with her, and she could die. Is there anything worse than that? Because it fucking happens, Emmy. I fucking lived it. It happens. And it could happen again,” I said, my voice harsher than I meant it to be.

“What you went through is unfathomable and sad and unfair. I’m on your side. And loving someone and losing them is horrific. But never loving someone for fear of losing them is also horrific, Easton. Because at least you got to love Jilly for all those years. So you got that time with her. But never allowing yourself to feel that for someone again is not the right way to handle this. You love me. You love Mom and Dad. And Rafe and Clark and Bridger and Axel and Archer and Melody, and—” she said, and I cut her off.

“You don’t have to name everyone I care about, Emmy. I get it. But I have no choice with my family. I already love you, so I can’t change that,” I groaned. “I’m used to being alone now. I don’t have to worry about anyone else.”

“Well, that’s a lame reason not to be with someone.” She paused, and I knew I was about to get a life lesson. My twin sister was the queen of life lessons. “You are one of the strongest men I know, Easton Chadwick. You will not let fear deter you from living your life. So how about you put things into perspective with Henley,” she said.

“What the fuck does that mean? How do I put things into perspective?”

“You’re not marrying the girl. You like her. She likes you. One night was not enough. So just date her. Don’t worry about the future and be in the moment. The way you are in every other aspect of your life.”

I nodded, leaning back on the couch. “Why do you have to always show off that you’re smarter than me?”

“Well, I am a doctor, right?”

“You sure are.” I sighed. “How’s Nash and Beefcake?”

“They’re great. Cutler is looking forward to FaceTiming with you tomorrow.”

I’d grown close to Nash and his boy, and I looked forward to our weekly calls.

“Me, too. And you guys will be here for the fall party, right? Everyone will be excited to have you home.” My mom threw a party every year in the fall and invited half the town.

“I can’t wait. I want to meet Henley, so stop being a baby and ask her out so you can bring her to the party in a few weeks, and I can grill her.” She chuckled.

“I’ll think about it, Emmy.”

“All right. I’ll be around if you want to talk more tomorrow.”

“Thanks. Love you.”

“Love you more,” she said as I ended the call.

I thought about what she’d said. Would it be the worst thing to try to date Henley?

And did she even want to date me?

She’d accused me of giving her whiplash one too many times, and here I was, wanting to change up the rules once again.

I lay back on the couch and thought about what I should do.

I didn’t want to live my life in fear. The panic attacks had caught me off guard, and that was why I’d been a dick since we’d come home. And this week, I’d had the most severe attacks I’d had to date. I’d had to run into the bathroom at the office to vomit twice over the last few days, and I’d broken out in a cold sweat.

I’d made the appointment with Dr. Langford because she’d helped me through them years ago when they’d started.

I knew that I was letting fear rule me.

And I was ready to change that.