Chapter 26

When Theo surprised me by bringing me to a cabin, the last thing on my mind was building a snow castle. The vulnerability he showed, however, and the things he shared with me, I'm so glad he trusted me enough to let me see that part of himself. It makes me feel special, and with the way my heart squeezes in my chest every time I look at him now—it's a dangerous way to live.

It's not that I don't want to let myself live this with him. It's that I don't think I have it in me to go through another relationship again. And I know it's my own fault, since I need to work through my shit and get past what Robert did to me. It would not be fair to profess my love for Theo and make promises I can't keep when I can't even trust that he'll keep my heart safe. And that's the catch—I will never trust anyone ever again. I know that Theo doesn't deserve it, and that makes it hurt even more. If it were up to me, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. It would've stayed strictly platonic, only friends with benefits.

Except Theo had to want more, of course. He demanded more from me, and I couldn't say no. Unfortunately, I have a weak spot for him, one that needs to be obliterated. People do really stupid shit for love, and I refuse to go down that rabbit hole.

So, I guess this is me making a promise to myself that if he ever returns my feelings—I'll let him go. He deserves the best, and I'm not it. I can't even come close to giving it to him. It's only fair that I let him find the love he deserves instead of tying him down to one filled with mistrust and pain. If you love someone, set them free—or however the fuck it goes.

It'll hurt me if I leave him, but I'll recover eventually. I'm still wracking my brain about how this will all end. At some point, it will end, and I need to be ready for it. One or both of us will inevitably, at some point in the future, be nursing a broken heart.

"What are you thinking about?" Theo asks me softly, breaking me out of my morbid thoughts. "You seem sad."

"Sad?" I clear my throat, because I know I am. "I feel okay."

Liar.

Theo slides forward until his front meets my back, and he tucks me into him snugly. It's been a while since we cuddled in bed this way, and it hurts even more knowing how intimate it feels now that I'm scared to lose him.

Please don't love me back.

"Liar," he calls me out, kissing my neck softly. I extend it, inviting him to continue, but he pulls back. "But I know just what we need."

"What?" I ask, skeptical.

"To go on a hike." I roll my eyes at him and scoff, "Hear me out. I know the cold isn't your thing. Hell, maybe even the overlook isn't your thing. However, there's this beautiful view of a trail that leads to the lake. I think we should?—"

"Is there anyone else on this trail?" I ask him, an idea sparking. "Or will it be just us?"

"Us," Theo replies, his cheek coming to mine as he smiles. His scruff slightly scratches me, but I relish it. "Only us."

I perk up. "Perfect. Then let's get dressed."

An hour later, after we've packed snacks, water, and a picnic basket, we're on the trail. This time, for easier access, I'm wearing snow pants and a jacket rather than a snowsuit. If I'm going to hike four miles today, it will be worth it somehow.

The snow crunches under my boots, seemingly having melted from the mountain it was outside just last night. It's a much warmer day though, somehow being forty degrees Fahrenheit now, and the snow does not seem to want to stick around. Not that I want to complain, but this slush mixed with mud is not it for me. Don't get me wrong, there's still plenty of snow. It's just that what's left is getting dirty as hell.

Theo is ahead of me by a few feet, leading the way, and while I should probably be paying attention to the surroundings and pretty view, I'm focused on the way his ass looks in those hiking pants. Because, of course, he'd look good all the time. The man doesn't know the definition of an off day.

"Stop objectifying me." Theo laughs. "I can hear you thinking about my ass."

I choke on saliva. "Excuse me? It's a nice ass."

"I know." He shrugs, then looks back at me. "Come look at this instead, though."

I speed up to reach him, and he finally stops, allowing me to catch up. When I reach the top of the hill, I can see what he is talking about; this is only the halfway point. It's an overlook where we can see the entire town from up here. We can also see the lake, but I'm assuming where he wants to go, you can see it better if wanting to walk two more miles is any indication.

"Wow," I breathe, admiring the view. "This is so pretty."

I wait for him to go ahead of me so I can follow him down to the lake, and he peers over his shoulder at me with a smile that threatens to stop my heart. We hike the next two miles in silence, and it's relatively quick. The terrain is definitely rockier in this part of the trail, so I'm extra careful as I try not to fall on my face.

As we finally descend the last of the trail and into a beach area, my breath catches in my throat. It's so beautiful, with pine trees surrounding the perimeter and the bluest lake I've ever seen right in front of us. We walk to the shore and sit down just out of reach of the water, watching the small waves lap onto the rocky dirt. And this right now? It feels perfect.

Theo grabs the picnic basket and begins to take things out of it: fruits and peanuts, a little bowl of cheese and prosciutto, and a bottle of wine. It's cute, and even in the cold weather, I'm enjoying myself.

"So, Bailey," Theo starts, taking a chug of wine straight from the bottle, and I laugh. "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Is this an interview?" I joke, but he just smiles at me expectantly. "Ugh. Fine. I don't know."

"How do you not know?" He furrows his eyebrows. "Do you never think about the future?"

I shrug. "I try not to." It's true. I don't like to think about it. "My hope is to find a new specialty I'll be happy in. I just don't know what that is yet."

Theo passes me the bottle of wine, and I chug it too, relishing in the sweetness of it. White wine. My favorite. "What about marriage? Kids?"

I choke on the wine, coughing and sputtering. Once I've regained my bearings, I croak out, "Never thought about it, but I bet it's not in the cards for me. What about you?"

Theo looks pensive for a moment, then looks right into my eyes. "I could see myself doing the white picket fence and shit for the right person." Then he looks away and at the water lapping close to our boots. "Why can't you?"

"I think I'm just…damaged, Theo," I say softly, as if he won't hear me if I speak low enough. "It's just hard for me to trust people."

He sighs, "I mean, it makes sense." I nod, even though he isn't looking at me. "I just wish you trusted me."

A knot forms in my throat, and I clear it once to avoid sounding like I'm dying when I speak next. "It's not personal, Theo." I chuckle under my breath and this time he looks at me. With tears in his eyes. Fuck. "It's just really hard for me."

"I understand," is all he says.

But I know he doesn't.

He couldn't possibly.

And now I'm just hurting him.

"I hope one day you let me in," he continues. "We could have something really special, Bailey. I think I'm?—"

"I think," I interrupt before he can say something we will both regret. "We should go."

Theo looks stricken, but instead of arguing, he nods. We put everything back in the basket and head back to the cabin to gather all of our belongings. There's a silence between us that pains me, and I know it pains him too. If the look on his face is any indication…I know he's hurt. Deeply. I know that he's breaking his promise; to break it off if he has feelings for me.

I'm lost in my thoughts all the way back to his condo, and when we get there, I jump in the shower—alone. And I'm lost in my thoughts there, too. For as much as it hurts him, it hurts me as well. Regardless, I know what I have to do.

I have to break our hearts.

It's for the best.