Chapter 24

Oliver's house is enormous, with its open floor plan and picturesque views of Mount Rainier. There are no walls at all, only floor-to-ceiling windows surrounding the entire perimeter of the home, and while it's unsettling, it's also beautiful. I don't understand why he'd need such a big home for just him and his partner, but I can't deny I'd kill to have a house like this. Maybe in the future, when Theo and I?—

No.

You're not ready, Bailey.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts and look up at Theo, who is sporting a closed-off expression while staring down at me. I raise an eyebrow, and he smiles. His straight white teeth are on full display. Sometimes, I forget just how pretty he is with his floppy brown hair, beautiful blue eyes, and chiseled jaw. His full lips purse at me and I grin, squeezing his hand in mine. Just as I'm about to pull away though, he intertwines our fingers.

"Hey everyone," Theo announces as we get further into the house, going through the foyer and past an entry table and mirror, then stopping when we arrive at the living room where they are sitting around on the couches. If I thought his house was big from the outside, it's got nothing on the inside with its spacious living room and state-of-the-art kitchen visible from here. The dark hardwood floors give it a masculine vibe, but one that's subtle. "I brought company."

All heads turn toward us, and I notice it's all the boys plus Alicia and Alejandra. They seem to be best of friends, sitting together and talking animatedly with each other. A pang of jealousy runs through me at the thought of never having anything like that with such a close-knit group.

Don't be stupid, Bailey.

You're not with Theo.

Just friends with a lot of benefits.

Like dates and sleepovers and couples shit.

"No grumpy third wheel?" Jeremy asks with a pout, interrupting my thoughts.

I snort, "Not today, Jer."

"What could she possibly be doing if not spending New Year's Eve with us?"

"She's on a date," I deadpan, not beating around the bush.

The guy she's going out with teaches hockey at the arena where she works, so she sees him every day. They've apparently hit it off, and she looked happy to skip out on this party—a little too happy to not see Jeremy. She even mentioned him in passing, saying she didn't want to fight on New Year's.

Jeremy's face contorts and turns red, his jaw dropping. "Who is she going out with?"

"I don't know his name." I shrug. "She just said he teaches hockey at her arena."

"Of course he does," Jer mumbles.

"Alright…" Theo furrows his brows but continues to pull me toward the empty far side of the enormous four-piece sectional—even bigger than the one at his place, but then again, this house is huge. "Where's—" Before he can finish the sentence, the front door opens, and in strolls a group of what has to be at least twenty more people. "Everyone."

Suddenly, my palms sweat, and the overwhelming need to hide is intense. Something about large crowds scares me, and I attribute that to Robert. I never used to be this way, but ever since I left him, it seems like he's just going to pop up anywhere I go.

"I have to—" I take a deep breath, trying to calm down the hammering of my heart, loud in my ears. Letting out the breath slowly, I look up at Theo. "I need to go upstairs. Where's the bathroom?"

"There's one down here, B." Theo frowns, looking around.

"Upstairs." I all but growl.

Theo looks at Oliver, and they seem to have some unspoken conversation because they nod, and the next thing I know, he's dragging me up the stairs. My sweaty hand slips out of his grasp as we ascend the narrow staircase, and my heels are so loud they're giving me even more anxiety. I should just take them off, but I don't want to stop and be forced to interact with the rest of the team and their girls who just arrived. I know logically my ex won't be part of this crowd, but it still doesn't stop me from forgetting how to breathe properly.

He opens a bedroom door, which I'm assuming is a guest room, and shoves me in without turning on the light. I glance around for the bathroom—which there is one in here, thank God—but just as I'm about to head to it, he stops me with a hand wrapped around my elbow.

"Talk to me," Theo demands.

"I—" Deep breath in, slow breath out. "Can't."

The thundering in my ears hasn't diminished, the sweat coating my hands hasn't dissipated, and the need to pop a pill right now is overwhelming. I usually save my anxiety medication for special occasions, but this feels like one. Especially if I want to make it back downstairs before the party is over. His friends are going to fucking hate me if I keep him to myself this whole time—or worse—if we leave early. As in right now.

"Baby," he whispers, pulling me into his arms. He rubs circles up and down my back with soothing hands over my sweater dress. "I'm right here. You're okay."

My breath shudders in and out, and my chest clenches tightly, stealing even more breath from my lungs. It seems that even with my breathing exercises, it's not enough. It's not enough. I need my Xanax. "I can't bre—" My chest begins to heave, and then Theo takes me to the bed, sitting me on the edge of it.

"Breathe with me, baby," he demands, and I open my eyes. He puts a hand on my chest and mine on his. "In and out."

I do as he says, focusing on the way he breathes in and out, his heartbeat steady under my hand instead of rapid firing like mine. But the most magical thing happens while I sit here and listen to him, feel him. My heart rate goes down, my breathing slows, and I can take in air again. I don't even feel like I need my pill anymore, and that's saying something. Even with the coping mechanisms I've learned in therapy, most of the time, it's still not enough. Except here comes Theo, who flips my world upside down while simultaneously putting me back together. Every single piece of me that he touches, he mends.

"That's it, B," Theo praises. "You're doing so good."

I gasp in a final breath and grimace. "Thank you."

With my breathing back to normal, he lets his hand drop from my chest. "Do you want to go back down, or would you like to stay here instead?"

"Here," I blurt, cursing myself for being so boring sometimes. "I'm sorry. I know you came here to spend time with your friends. I don't need you to babysit me."

"Babysit you?" His brows furrow, and thankfully, the curtains are wide open, letting me see his beautiful face with the moonlit glow. "You're not a child, Bailey. I came here with you and I'm staying with you. I see my friends almost every day. One night of disappearing from the party won't kill them."

I nod, "Okay."

"Do you want to go home?"

It's my turn to furrow my brows. "No. I don't want them to hate me."

"No one could ever hate you." He smiles softly, trailing his finger down the slope of my jaw to my chin and then tugging my bottom lip. "You're you."

"Can you just lie down with me for a little bit?" I ask him, nibbling on my bottom lip. "I mean, you don't have to…I can just take my pill and everything will be better."

"What pill?" he asks cautiously.

"Xanax," I reply. "I take it when this happens. It's not very often, but I usually can't calm myself without it."

"If you need to take it, then do that," he whispers, grabbing my hand and tugging me toward the headboard. I lie down, and he does, too, facing me. "But I'll stay here with you as long as you need." His nose brushes against mine, his lips hovering just an inch away. "Only if you want me to."

I turn my face to get even closer, and right before I let my lips mold against his, I whisper. "Yes, please."

My chest feels tight again as his lips meet mine sweetly, slowly, but it's not anxiety I'm feeling. No, it's something much more scary. Love. This man is everything I've ever needed. But yet, at the same time, is also forbidden by my own doing. And I'm tired of it but don't know how to stop. If things were different, I'd jump in head-first, uncaring of the consequences and without fear. But the me that has gone through hell is hesitant. That part of me screams to slow down, that it's impossible to feel love for someone this quickly, even after how well we've come to know each other.

Theo's tongue probes my lips and I open for him, letting him tangle his tongue with mine. I suck his into my mouth, and he moans.

Pulling away, he says, "However long you want me to." And my heart flutters at his words.

"A friend with benefits wouldn't comfort me this way, Theo."

Theo chuckles, coming back for another quick, soft kiss. "You know damn well we're so much more than that," he whispers.

This time, I'm the one who makes the move and grabs the back of his head, bringing his lips back to mine. The moment our tongues touch is like electricity coursing through my body, lighting up every inch of me, and I need to release the energy back to him. I dig my fingers into his shirt, tugging it, hinting at him to come with me. And he takes the hint, getting on top of me as I spread my legs.

One hand cups my cheek while the other trails warm fingers up my hip, moving my dress up slowly. "Do you want this?" he murmurs against my mouth. "Do you want me?"

"Yes," I whisper, opening my eyes and looking into his blue ones. They're dilated due to the darkness, and he looks so angelic under the moonlight's glow. "I want you."

"If I bury my fingers inside of you, will you be as wet as I imagine you are?"

"Wetter."

His fingers come to the edge of my panties, but rather than ripping them or taking them off, he just shoves them to the side. He groans when he makes contact with my pussy. "So fucking wet, baby."

Thrusting in and out of me, he curls his fingers deep inside me. I moan at the feeling of his thumb rubbing against my clit, and he takes in a sharp breath when I shove his hand away. "Inside of me," I pant. "Now."

Theo doesn't waste any time. Instead, he unbuttons his slacks and slides his underwear and pants down to his knees, then shoves my underwear to the side again. The head of his dick positions against my entrance, and he enters me inch by excruciating inch. It seems he was serious about being nice, yet all thoughts die a short death in my brain as he stares into my eyes and grins at me. One of his hands grips my hip, and he bottoms out inside of me. We gasp in unison and his forehead falls to mine, his breaths coming out in short bursts. The way he makes me feel makes my chest ache all over again.

He pulls back slowly, all the way to the tip, then just as slowly fills me again. I gasp when he hits that spot inside me, and he speeds up slightly, knowing I need more. Rubbing himself on my clit, he shifts his hips, and I see fucking stars. I close my eyes as my vision explodes into white dots.

"That feels so good, Theo," I whisper. "More."

"Open your eyes, Bailey." He whispers back as I moan, "I want you to look at me when you come."

I wrap my legs around his waist, the angle allowing him to hit deeper, and he gasps. Every sound from his lips takes me closer to the edge, but it's more than that. Those sounds touch my soul, will forever remain in my brain, and will always give me a shot of dopamine. One I didn't even know I needed.

Opening my eyes, I look at his face. At the way his lips are parted and how he lets out yet another gasp when he bottoms out once more. The way his brows are furrowed as if he's in pain, his blue eyes wide. I commit every single detail to memory, hoping I never forget this moment. Because it's right now that I realize, more than ever, that I don't think I can live without this. Him.

"Bailey," he moans, and butterflies invade my chest instead of my stomach. The way my heart clenches is everything I need to know about how I feel. One single word has my entire body going haywire. "Tell me you're mine." He pulls back and thrusts back in. "Even if you don't mean it. Lie to me, baby. Please."

I groan at the way his dick keeps swiping against my G-spot, making me clench around him. Then he grabs my chin and pulls my face toward him, forcing me to make eye contact. "I'm yours, Theo."

"Mine," he whispers, speeding up. His hips slap against me, and he moans. "Touch yourself."

Sitting back on his haunches, Theo drags me by the hips and begins to pound into me. My fingers find my clit instantly, and I start to rub it to the pace he's fucking me. Hard and fast.

My legs start to tremble, my back bowing off the bed as the sensations take over my body. I bite my cheek in order not to scream as I feel the orgasm inching its way closer, and my fingers speed up even more.

I'm right there?—

"God, baby," He moans. "You drive me crazy."

"Come for me, Theo," I moan as he fucks me even faster. "I'm coming."

My entire body is on fire, eyes blurry as I look up at his face, and then they refocus as I lose my breath. Because staring back at me is the most beautiful sight to behold. Theo falling apart for me.

My body trembles as Theo moans, and with a final groan, I come apart. He's right there with me as I immediately feel him spilling inside of me and his hips stutter. When he finally slows down and presses his forehead against mine, I feel at peace. What an odd fucking feeling after living on edge for the last almost eight months.

"How I feel about you transcends everything," Theo whispers.

I search his eyes rapidly and smile, but don't say anything. If I'm not careful, those three little words will slip right out. And I can't let them. Not when I don't know what to do about it. He deserves better than that.

Theo pulls out slowly, and I cup my hand around myself to avoid making a mess and run to the bathroom. After taking care of business, I meet him back in the bedroom, where he's already dressed and put together like nothing ever happened, save for his tousled hair.

"You have bedhead," I say, biting my bottom lip. "Want me to fix it for you?"

"Nah." He grins. "Let them know you're all mine."

I laugh. "You're so annoying."

"You love it."

I love you.

Digging into my purse, I take my Xanax, swallowing it dry. He offers me his hand, and I grab hold of it like it's my lifeline. Then, we walk to the door.

"You ready?" he asks as he opens the door.

"Ready," I reply with a smile.

And then we head back to the party.

Only something has changed in the last thirty minutes. When we walked in here, I felt empty, and now I don't. But I realize it's because Theo is holding onto my heart with his bare hands.