19. Belle

Ialmost fall asleep in the shower, letting the scalding water and the warm tendrils of steam wrap around my body.

My skin turns as red as Jerry the tomato, but I don"t care.

I always preferred hot showers, anyway. The pain almost makes me feel something.

I am broken, after all, and so I need to feel something, anything, even if it is painful.

But I never took my obsession too far. I was always too afraid of Francis"s retaliation when he found that I had defiled my body in some way.

Which was why I always felt ashamed whenever I used to touch myself.

It got lonely in the apartment sometimes, but once I discovered that little nub between my legs, well, I felt less lonely. I sometimes used to touch myself in the shower too, and I wonder what would happen now if I tried again.

Would Rian reprimand me like Francis would have?

Yet, no matter how long I stay under the jets, the water can never quite remove the stench of blood and death.

I shiver, resting my face against the slippery tiles as I gaze down at my wrist.

The number twenty three glares at me in black ink, standing out in stark contrast to my fair skin.

I hate this tattoo. Somehow, I feel it marks me as a murderer.

I have done evil things at Francis"s demand. I just know it. Whenever he rings that bell, my mind wipes out, and then I wake up in a cold sweat with the memory of blood on my hands.

I am still so filthy. I will never be clean.

So, in a bid to rid the stench of death from my mind, I touch myself, consequences be damned.

If Rian gets angry, then so be it.

In fact, if he wants, he can join me.

They all can.

Now I envision all four of them stepping into the shower with me, and it"s hard to tell who is who from all the steam.

One of them presses my back flush to their hard chest, while another bites and tugs at my naked breasts.

Another kisses me, shoving his tongue deep into my mouth, and the fourth…

He gets between my legs.

When I look down in my haze, I spy the electric blue eyes of Troy, smirking up at me in challenge with those full, sensuous lips.

He"s going to tease my clitoris like he teased the tines of that fork…

The Alpha licks the seam of my sex, and that image alone is enough to undo me.

My vision flashes, and then I squeeze tight, losing myself in pure, rapturous bliss as I pump my finger over and over.

Soon, my arousal washes away down the drain, but I don"t move from my slumped position.

I just enjoy the moment.

Besides, I like it here. I feel safe.

No one can hurt me in this shower, in my dreams…

There comes a knocking sound, and then Rian"s voice seeps through the wood of the door.

"Belle? Are you all right? You"ve been in there a while…"

My cheeks burn in shame, and I wonder if he heard me just now.

Is he aware of what I"ve just done?

It"s about time I got out of here unless he gets mad.

Also, my fingers are turning pruney.

Still, I have a feeling Rian wouldn"t be too mad. He seems like a sweet, caring soul, and he always has a smile for me.

Finally, I step out of the shower, spying the towel on the rack.

Rian must have left it there, and my heart thumps in my chest at his overwhelming kindness.

It"s just too bad that I was imagining him doing things to my body just now.

Would he be angry? Would he even care if he knew the effect that he has on me?

Would he feel the same?

I doubt it. I am not attractive.

Not like the girls in my books. They have curves and breasts while I am skinny, almost starved.

Francis never let me eat anything fun, and he always insisted that I had a tiny waist.

I"m just a bit too thin, and not in a flattering way. Some girls pull it off, but I am not one of them.

Somehow, I feel that this body of mine was designed for boobs and curves.

Could that have anything to do with the fact that I"m an Omega?

Once I dry myself off, I open the door of the ensuite, bumping straight into Rian.

I leave a wet patch on his gray shirt, and something comes over him when his eyes land on me.

I"m wearing nothing but a towel, and shame colors my cheeks.

If Francis saw me now…

He always was conveniently out of the apartment whenever I showered.

I had strict times when I had to shower, and I guess he always made it a point to stay away.

I don"t blame him. Who would want to see my skinny, bony ass?

However, disgust is the last thing I spy on Rian"s face. His pupils blow out, and then he swallows, never taking his eyes off me.

That hardness appears in his pants again, and I turn away, embarrassed.

"Sorry, I should have changed in the bathroom…"

Rian is silent in front of me, and I steal a quick glance at him.

Sweat coats his top lip, and I don"t understand…

How can he find me sexy?

He shuts his eyes. "No, I am in your room... I shouldn"t have trespassed. But… I was just… worried…"

My heart rate spikes. "You were worried about me?"

He chuckles, angling his body away in deep shame. He doesn"t want me to see his erection. "Of course. That shower can get hot after all."

Oh, don"t I know…

I wonder if he has any idea what I just did in there?

Embarrassment grips a hold of me next, but then something else does too. Pleasure.

For some reason, I like the idea of Rian listening to me masturbating. It fills me with an odd sense of pride.

He"s beautiful and way out of my league, but the very notion of him being aroused by me makes my heart pound.

Finally, Rian steps aside so I can pass, and I keep a tight hold of the towel, wondering what would happen if it slipped loose accidentally.

I don"t dare try, though. I don"t want to scare him away.

I meet his green-eyed gaze, realizing for the first time that he hasn"t blinked once since I stepped out of the shower.

It"s like he"s too scared to miss a single moment of me wrapped up in this fluffy towel.

This towel really is fluffy, and how did he know?

"So," Rian begins as I perch at the end of my bed, combing through my hair. I have too many knots. "I"m heading out shopping later. It"s time we got you some new clothes."

That"s when I glance at my old, worn dress hanging in the closet, and he"s right.

That dress needs to be condemned.

It was Francis"s dress.

I hate the color white, and I can"t help but feel a little smug when I spy all the dirty patches on its once-clean surface.

"Any particular type of clothes?"

"Not white," I say quickly. "Anything but white."

He seems to catch on, his eyes finding the dirty dress. "Got it. So, what color would you like?"

I think then. "Red."

He grins, showing his white teeth. "Why red?"

I think of Jerry the tomato and the red-breasted robin, then shrug. "There"s something about the color. It"s bold."

It"s the color of blood too, but that doesn"t stop me from wanting the color.

"Any other colors?"

I chew my lip. "Purple, yellow. Anything loud and gaudy."

His smile widens. "Someone is feeling rebellious."

I lift my shoulders with another shrug, trying my luck with my comb again. When Rian sees me struggling, he steps closer, asking for my permission.

"May I?"

He points at the comb.

Seeing no harm, I pass him the comb, our fingers brushing momentarily.

I have no idea if he felt the spark too, but he doesn"t show it as he starts teasing the comb through my hair, and I relax under his ministrations.

He is so gentle, and I could fall asleep like this.

His voice wakes me up. "It doesn"t just have to be clothes. I can give you my phone and let you search. Create a wish list of some kind."

My eyes widen, and I glance around the room.

I"m not sure what I would like, but I suppose that"s the fun of it.

I get to discover what I like.

There"s a whole world out there after all.

My eyes land on the empty shelves on the wall, and my heart grows heavy when I remember all the books that Francis took from me.

"Would… would I be allowed to read?"

Rian stops. "Of course. What do you like to read?"

My cheeks turn pink, and I bow my head.

He raises a brow. "Belle?"

I sigh. "Um… romance..."

It takes him a moment to catch on. Must be a man thing, but then he says, "Oh. Like kissing?"

Yeah, you could say that.

"I suppose…"

He"s still not catching on, and he"s lucky he"s so just pretty.

"Kissing and…"

The penny drops and the teeth of the comb snag on my hair.

"Ow!"

"S-sorry…" he mumbles.

He puts the comb down, and I can feel the heat radiating off his body. I bite my lip when I spot that hardness from the corner of my eye.

He"s still hard for me…

Who knew I could have that kind of effect on the opposite sex? I guess Francis just made me feel so undesirable for so long.

Having Rian touch my hair is pure heaven, and I wish he would continue.

But for some reason, he holds back.

My heart feels heavy again, as well as my breasts.

My nipples are hard.

"Any kind of genre?"

I think back to all the genres I"ve read. I was never picky; I read anything. So long as it was romance with just enough smut to leave me wanting more.

Yet, there is one thing I want to explore…

"Are there any books about… you know? Alphas and Omegas? It… may help me learn more about this world."

I guess all the books Francis found for me were written for Betas.

Rian"s cheeks burn redder, and now he places my comb down on the bedside cabinet as he leaves through the door. "I will see what I can find."

Before he leaves, he casts one last look at me and grins.

It seems we"re still good, and thank God.

I thought things got weird between us for a moment.

"I really hope you do find yourself at home here, Belle. It"s… nice to have someone around. It can get lonely when the guys go to work…"

My heart thumps, and I am touched by his words.

If there is one thing I understand, then that is loneliness.

When I meet his moss-green eyes, I want to tell him that he will never have to be alone again, but I hold my tongue.

I don"t know why. I guess it"s because I know I can"t stay.

Troy"s words still haunt me.

Besides, I may be overstepping a line.

After all, Rian is Troy"s mate.

I don"t want to make him even more angry at me.

So, I smile, bowing my head. "Thank you, Rian."

With one last lingering look in my direction, he shuts the door softly, leaving me to my thoughts at last.

Not a single knot left in my hair.

It seems Rian really does have magic fingers.

Just like he does in my hot, steamy fantasies…