CHAPTER 4

VENUS

Ihad to go home. Like home, home. My mother and Celeste were waiting for me and now that my urgent task of finding, explaining and apologising to River had been done, I had no more excuses. I needed to patch things up with them too and make sure there were no hard feelings. I knew Celeste and I were fine, but I desperately missed my mother. And the few phone calls and occasional texts were nowhere near enough to mend the bond between us.

I was so grateful that the relationship between Sky and myself seemed to be intact.

After breakfast, we took a stroll through the back of the property to a pair of swings that hung from the pine trees along the border of the forest. Far enough away from the house that we'd be able to catch up without the supernatural ears of our wolf friends' picking up on parts of our conversation.

Things felt so natural with Sky—another reminder of how easily I could slide back into my old life.

She told me how things had been since I was gone. How they'd really been. From River's sullen moods to his stress over the rogues. She'd explained that he never wanted to push his luck by visiting my mother and asking where I was. That he'd felt responsible and didn't feel like he deserved to come after me. But that didn't stop him from wanting to know where I was. From wanting to know that I was safe and unharmed and hopefully happier somewhere, hence his questions to Maxine and TJ at the diner, and to anyone else in town who had any idea where I'd gone. He'd tried his best while being conscious of coming across as suspicious.

He wasn't playing the part of ‘grief-stricken lover' like my sister thought. He was the grief-stricken lover. Grief-stricken and heart broken.

It was the rest of the pack, out one day without their Alpha, that had wanted to take things into their own hands for his sake and confront Celeste for answers. Zander had been an initiator, never one to shy away or back down from an awkward or uncomfortable situation. They'd had enough of his sulking and wanted to help him in some way—any way. The thought of which severely hurt my heart.

But Celeste had given them one dangerous, don't-fuck-with-me look before stomping away. A show of her detest at what and who they were. Enough that they didn't bother her again. Especially after Sky had convinced Zander to leave it alone and let River heal on his own.

With time, they all began to move on and focus their efforts on the problem at hand: the rogues.

It clearly wasn't an easy time for River, which only heightened my guilt. But she hadn"t told me all of that to make me feel bad or regret my decisions. She told me to keep that promise of honesty. This new pact between us. Between all of us.

So in the spirit of honesty, I told her about the hunter that had infiltrated my heart. It wasn't easy to admit, especially as I saw that previous spark of hope in her baby blues die out. Saw her gears metaphorically work, that warrior ready to strategize, attempting to figure out what this would mean for her Alpha—and for us as a group.

But seeing my confliction—all my hurt, fear and guilt—she no longer took on the role of a wolf concerned for her Alpha, or of a war general. She was just a girl worried for her friend. That was what I loved about this female; that she was able to look at things objectively and see all sides of the story. Even when she had every reason to be biased.

Instead, she gave me a reassuring smile and let me get what I needed off my chest.

I told her the truth: that things were over with Griffin; that we were always casual, even though it had felt like it developed into more, on my side anyway; that I held it back for as long as I could because of River; and that I didn't know if things could go back to the way they were with Riv, but that I needed to see how things played out.

Throughout the whole conversation, there was a seriousness about her I wasn't used to seeing. That spark that used to burn so brightly in her seemed dimmer than usual as she reflected on the hard times—not much of her usual bubbly nature shining through. I understood why. They'd been dealing with so much for months now and it was taking its toll. They were clearly worried.

But even still, she consoled me and promised that no matter what happened, she'd be there for me in whatever way I needed. In whatever capacity. And I knew that I had another strong, powerful and wonderful female to add to this ever-growing girl squad I was forming.

I hoped that somehow River and I could find a way to make this work again. To fix what had broken between us and rebuild that trust.

It was clear our dynamic would need to change. He couldn't just be there to protect and look after me, we needed to be a team. I'd need to be that strong and independent person I'd learnt to become at the academy. The one that I felt like with Griffin.

He had brought that out in me. But surely that didn't mean I couldn't be that person with River if I wanted to.

I tried to picture what that would look like for River and myself. The Alpha and the Hunter.

But the image of Griffin and me fighting side by side, the one I'd seen so clearly after we had slept together that first time, flashed in my head.

I pushed it away.

Griffin wasn't choosing me.

I needed to put the thought of Griff aside. The pain was fresh, so it was understandable that he'd be in my mind. But that … that was only a fling. This was real. And I was back now.

After our girl chat, I spent a few more hours with the pack. I had to admit, it felt a little hard not to let the raw feelings and my shame come through with Riv, especially after knowing what he'd gone through, so I tried not to be alone with him too much throughout the day. I knew we had discussed a lot of it last night, forgiven each other and promised we'd move on, but it would still take time to heal from these wounds.

Sky picked up on it and steered the rest of the afternoon, keeping things light for us. It was what we all needed. A day to just regroup and recover before we dealt with all the harder stuff. The stuff that was more difficult than mending relationships or making apologies: the looming threat and the upcoming full moon.

Eventually, I decided it was time to head home. Plus, the pack had training and patrols to attend to at some point, and even though they seemed happy to ignore it for the moment, I didn't want to get in the way.

Speaking of training, I'd have to figure out the best way to keep on top of mine so I didn't get rusty. Perhaps I'd get mum to train with me. Celeste could probably join in too and learn a few pointers. We could use all the help we could muster up to have a fighting chance.

The drive back to our modest family home was quiet and nostalgic, a sense of peace coating me as I took in the unchanged scenery and revelled in the much-needed quiet time.

The first bit of the route consisted of forest roads that gently winded, dotted here and there with private properties and large houses with lands that made the secluded nature of the packhouse not seem so odd to the townsfolk. The space that stretched out between these mansions was so wide that unaware travellers would likely assume the area was just forest. With the houses spread far and few belonging to the wealthiest families of Saint Claire, they were perfect for those that mostly kept to themselves and craved privacy. There weren't very many of them though, so the scenic drive was always short-lived.

The pack house was perched right on the very end of the border, the last of the town denizens before the expanse of pure forest. A location chosen by the pack for obvious reasons that had been in the Alpha family for generations.

Once the affluent neighbourhood ended after just a few minutes, the trees cleared enough to host the busier streets of the main town, with smaller stores and local restaurants, the school and library, as well as more houses before you hit the main town square. I often used the surrounding residential roads to bypass the centre.

The Stone household was also on the outskirts of the town, on a less populated street that was bordered by towering pine trees with decent-sized, older family homes—all very similar to the Swan residence in Twilight. The rest of the houses in Saint Claire branched out from the main square until they too reached either more forest areas or other bordering towns.

Despite everything that dwelled between our house and the pack's, the drive was no more than ten minutes, the route so familiar to me now that I could do it with my eyes closed. Which is why I felt like I had gotten home in a daze; my subconscious knowing exactly where it was going, following the path that was branded in my brain with little effort and almost no thought.

Pulling up to the house, I shifted my car into park in the driveway.

I kept going over it again and again in my head. Trying to find a way to forgive myself for running away. The only thing River was guilty of was protecting me. Lying to protect me, but still. I understood how they all thought they were doing what was necessary. It didn't mean it didn't hurt or that it was right, but it wasn"t the worst trait to have;to love someone so fiercely that you'd do anything to protect them.

Although, he'd need to get better at being honest with me if we had any hope of this working again between us.

And what they"d done sure as hell wasn't a crime, let alone something that made any of them evil and manipulative killers—something I'd accused them of. Something I'd so thoroughly convinced myself of that I'd gone away to learn how to fight them.

I knew I needed to stop dwelling on the things I couldn't change. Because I had left. I had learned how to fight. I had momentarily moved on.

Nevertheless, there were wolves out there that did need to be stopped. Ones that weren't so good or innocent. It was mainly that thought that gave me even a slither of relief that I had decided to leave and forge my own path. One that could probably help us now and bring our two worlds together to put a stop to this threat.

Maybe that was what needed to happen. Maybe if I hadn't had left, I would have ended up dead, along with so many others in this war that I was completely unaware of.

Collateral damage, just like Amelia had been.

Leaving the Knights to come down here, I hadn't known when I'd join them again. I didn't know if I would. There was a part of me that considered not going back or continuing down that path, instead just using my knowledge to re-join the pack with an added edge that would keep me safe. And of course, being available to the Knights, should the task force need me—but ultimately taking a step back.

I wasn't going to do that though.

I could work with Riv and his pack from now. Start gathering what information I could and keep mum and Kit—hell, even Thea—in the loop to make sure the Knights had everything they needed. I could be an ally to the pack as a Knight.

It still called to me; the need to fight and protect.Now more than ever.

It was decided.I'd get in touch with Thea. Tell her of my plan and make sure I was part of that task force when it came down. Ready to help in any way that I could.

I knew I was only one girl and I wouldn't make much of a difference when it came to the physical aspect of this war. But I had connections on both sides and hopefully that would help foster this truce and give us an advantage over the rogue army.I told mum as much when I finally left the confines of my car and entered the house.

She was in her office when I opened the front door and called out, surrounded by her multiple desktops and feeds, deep in thought with files scattered around the desk.

I should have known she wasn't in the army. It was so blatantly obvious now.

Her smile at seeing me was enough to instantly know that she was more than relieved to have me home.

She immediately got up, leaving her work behind and giving me a tight squeeze, acknowledging my plan but telling me there would be time to discuss business later. Then she gestured for me to follow her into the living room. It was late afternoon now, not quite dinner time, but mum didn't hesitate to make a pitstop into the kitchen to turn the kettle on and cut us a slice of cake.

Mum could cook. She was a great cook actually. But she was far from a baker, so I knew the chocolate cake she sliced was store bought. I noted the box that was from my favourite bakery in town and grinned as she plated it up.

For a moment I just watched as she fluttered around our aged kitchen, gathering everything she needed to make us each a hot beverage. I was solely a coffee drinker, but mum and Celeste didn't mind an afternoon cup of tea.

Watching mum now, I could see how she moved around with such precision and skill, even as she did such menial tasks. She was nimble, efficient and focused.

My mum the Knight.

I left her to her devices while I made my way upstairs and knocked on Celeste's bedroom door, finding her sprawled across her bed with her multitude of textbooks and her headphones on. The image was so much like the one of mum in her study that it made me chuckle aloud.

My younger sister joined us downstairs a few minutes later.

I didn't have much time to catch up with them yesterday when I arrived, before heading off to see River. I still couldn't believe it was only yesterday morning when I'd left. Talk about an insane twenty-four hours. I told them about my experience at the Knights and my mum looked at me with what I assumed was pride before she reminisced on her early days in the compounds. She mentioned her own little group of friends that she'd made, including Thea, and it was almost impossible to imagine the cold, enigmatic leader as anything other than what she was now. Although, it was clear she was always a sucker for the rules.

Griffin did happen to come up, but I kept it brief to mum. Telling her about my small fling with the aloof, bad boy captain.

She was surprised to say the least, but I also caught the small smirk that she tried to hide at the fact that I'd ended up having a connection with her friend's son.

Celeste headed upstairs after a while to get some more studying in once we devoured the takeout we'd ordered for dinner, leaving mum and me alone.

I'd followed her back to her office. She was going to make a call to Thea soon, in an attempt to gather more information on the task force and what could be expected. She'd offered to talk to her on my behalf about my plan to start meeting with the wolves as a representative of the Knights, given my history.

When there was a moment of silence between us that stretched on for too long, I turned to my mother, knowing that it was time to get what I needed off my chest.

"I'm sorry that I just left after everything you told me that day." Despite me blurting it out, my words were low and dejected. "Are you … are you upset at me?"

She showed no signs of it, but I knew there was still a weird sort of strain on our relationship ever since that day.

She looked up from what she was doing at her desk. "Of course not, Cookie. You're my baby. Nothing could ever come between us and how much I love you." Cookie. It was the nickname she'd always had for me. I had no idea where it came from or why, but she always used it. My chest felt less tight already just hearing the name leave her mouth.

"I love you, mum."

She might have been away a lot as a child, but she never failed to tell us that she loved us. I think leaving the Knights at the age she did—even just for that moment in time—and meeting my dad, made her softer than some of the other warriors. And I was thankful for it. Especially when I'd seen how different Thea had been as a mother and what it was like for Griffin to grow up around someone like that. I wanted my mum to know that.

"I'm grateful. To have you as a mother." Ignoring the glassiness in her eyes, I continued, "I don't know if I"ve said it, but I forgive you for not telling us. I get it and I forgive you. And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about the life I was living."

One more thing off my chest. Another apology that needed to happen.

She got up from her seat and walked to where I was perched on the side of her desk. Cupping my face and then adjusting my hair in a purely maternal way, she smiled at me, so full of warmth and motherly love.

"I am sorry, Cookie. I really thought that it was the only way to keep you girls out of this world. And I thought keeping you out of it was best. I knew I was taking that choice away from you, but without your dad here, I didn't know what else to do to keep you safe. I know …" she sighed, but forced herself to continue, "I know that it wasn't the right decision, and I should have told you both as soon as you were old enough to understand and make those decisions for yourself. And I'm also sorry for not being there as much as I should have. I tried my best. I tried to balance everything and do it all. I hope that you don't hold it against me. That you both don't."

"I know, mum. And honestly, I don't know how you did it all on your own. I'm grateful you had Xari at least to confide in. But you did more than try, mum. You did amazing. And knowing all I do now, I'm in awe of you. You"re a badass, you know that?" I chuckled and mum's half-snort, half-laugh reply made me smile wider.

"It's been hard, not having you around and having Celeste so mad at me," she admitted. "I know it's so new to her. Not like it was with you. So I understand her pain and resistance." She furrowed her brows. "I've felt so guilty since that day when you ran to me distraught. That I let River stay in your life, even with my suspicions of what he was. I felt so guilty that I assumed he was harmless like your father but he had killed someone. Someone that could have been you. It was a lot to deal with and it took its toll. But Xari helped me through it and I fell back into my work, looking for whatever evidence I needed to be able to take him and his pack down. Knowing you were safe training as a Knight and getting updates from Thea kept me sane. That, and your sister slowly coming around—that frosty exterior of hers melting at her own pace. But I'm so, so happy to know that River is the boy I thought he was after all. That I wasn't wrong about him and that I didn't completely fail as a mother. I know the rogues are a serious problem we need to deal with, but I was so relieved when my digging led me to them and cleared River's name in the process."

"You didn't fail, mum. Not at all," I said as I shook my head. "Your mumma instincts were right. I just hope we can help him," I breathed out.

"We will, darling." Her face was determined.

"Mum?" I asked again after a minute.

"Yes, Cookie?"

"Is any part of you disappointed that I joined the Knights?" I dipped my head, fearful of her response. I had already decided I'd continue my journey anyway. It wouldn't change that if she was, but having her blessing would be nice. "I know it wasn't what you wanted for me," I added.

She took me in. "You have no idea how proud I am to see you find your strength and come into your own as a Knight." Indeed, her eyes shone with pride when I looked up. "And wanting to work with the wolves, to help the pack and be that tether between the two … your dad would have been so proud." A tear slid down her cheek and I was very sure that a matching one was sliding down my own. "It shows me that you're not only ready for this world, but that your heart will guide you to always make the right decisions. Following orders isn't always right. I just want you to remember that. You've come to them with a different and outside perspective, use that to your advantage when you can and stay true to yourself. I know you'll be fine." She rubbed both my shoulders comfortingly. "Remember that you're a wolf too, in your heart. As much as you are a Knight. Use that to guide your choices."

I nodded, somewhat speechless.

Mum gave me another squeeze and then walked back to her spot behind the desk. "Get some rest, honey. I know it's been a big day for you."

Later, when I was in my room trying to read and wind-down, Celeste bombarded in, plopping herself on my bed. And once again, I was reminded of how similar she was to Kit at times.

She demanded to know all the little details about Griffin, and I spilled, relieved to be able to tell her everything.

Like me, she didn't know what to make of it all. She just listened and took it all in but didn't push me or try to justify what she believed would be the right choice.

Eventually, when I couldn't hold back the sleep any longer, I kicked her out. Physically. The girl wouldn't take the hint. Not with all the yawning, nor the countless mutterings under my breath about how tired I was.

It was cute, and I couldn't help but smile at the thought. We needed sister time, but I also needed sleep time. Desperately. So I had to forcibly remove her, pushing her out the door and closing it behind her with a soft thud and a tired yawn.

She huffed from the other side and the sound trailed as she walked towards her own room, her footsteps sounding down the hall. "Goodnight to you too, grumpy butt."

I nodded with a tired smile, not that she could see it, but that was all I had the energy to do. I was exhausted.

I crashed to my bed with a thud. My energy drained. My social battery drained.

All I wanted to do was sleep for the next ten hours.

Every conversation—every apology—was a mental battle that drained me further and further.

Still, I was proud of my progress. It was time to move on, and while the guilt would take time to overcome, it was a start.