CHAPTER 32

VENUS

Fucking hell, I was a stupid, stupid girl.

After kissing Griffin, I fled like a coward.

I hadn't made my decision. So what the fuck was I doing?

Ignoring him for the rest of the day and driving somewhere—anywhere—was my new plan.

I needed to keep myself busy and get my mind off things, so I found myself driving to the town centre.

My head was spinning. I had just kissed Griffin. And fuck, it sparked something in me.

There was a reason I had been keeping my distance, trying not to touch him too often or flirt as much as we had before. It was too easy to fall back into his gravity. Too easy to get swept up in it. And I felt that deeply the night of that first full moon here. Felt it after he killed that rogue and it somehow seemed like there was no one else in the world but him and me.

What the fuck would River think?

I had to tell him. Had to be honest with him.

So much for keeping them both at arm"s length.

This was not keeping my distance. This was not being smart.

I needed to talk to Riv. But I knew he was doing pack stuff today and would be busy. He needed this moment with them—it was vital for their dynamic to spend time together and bond. And all of the others had returned last night before they were to head out to some stubborn pack that required the Alpha's presence. I didn't want to go to the pack house and be a distraction.

But he needed to know what happened.

I needed to be honest and keep them both in the loop. That was the only way to be as fair as possible to each of them during all of this. The only way this weird truce thing between them—between us—worked. It relied on being truthful and not keeping them in the dark.

Parking outside a cafe that had the best almond croissants around, I didn't let myself question it any further before I dialled River's number. It rang twice before I heard his voice.

"Vee, is everything okay?" Worry laced his tone.

"I, ah … hi. Yes, everything is okay. I'm okay," I reassured him.

The little breath of relief he let out was not lost on me. "Good. Good." The second time he said the word sounded more for himself. "What's up, Angel?"

"Um, I know the pack's there, and you have lots to do, but do you have a minute?"

"Of course. They'll survive without me for a few moments," he chuckled. "Are you sure everything's alright? I can come get you if you need?"

"No, no. I'm fine. I just … I need to tell you something."

"Oh." The worry instantly returned. "Aright," he said hesitantly. "What is it?" The words were slow on the other end of the line, his growing apprehension clear.

"Griffin and I kissed."

"Oh."

"We were training at home this morning, just letting off some steam and well, it kind of just happened. I didn't mean to let it—"

"It's okay, Vee."

"I'm sorry," I pushed, needing him to hear my apology. "I didn't mean for it to happen. And nothing else did."

"It's okay," he reassured. And I could vividly picture the understanding expression that he'd be wearing. Could see it clear as day.

"I needed you to know. I didn't want to hide it from you or make it seem like we've been sneaking around or anything. This is the first time this has happened since he's been back. I hope you know that. I would tell you—if there was anything more, I would tell you."

"I know, Vee. And I appreciate that. It's hard not knowing what goes on there when I'm not around but I trust you, and you have every right to do whatever you need to do to make your decision." He made an uncomfortable sound as he cleared his throat. "I don't love it. But I get it."

"You do?"

"I mean, I guess it's only fair since I got to kiss you when you came back. Now we"re ... even."

This time, I could picture the shrug of his shoulders as he held the phone to his ear. I knew this guy that well. And honestly, he was too good to be true sometimes. How could I ever hurt him? He was the picture of calm, collected understanding. Of patience and reason. And that was what made him such a beloved leader.

It was part of the reason I had fallen in love with him in the first place.

Fuck, I felt so guilty.

But at least I told him. At least he knew.

"Thank you for being you, Riv."

He chuckled again, the sound warm and light, easing the constriction of my heart ever so slightly. "I have no idea what that means. But you're welcome." There was a pause. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm just … confused. And I'm sorry I'm putting you through this."

"Please stop apologising."

"I'm sorry."

I didn't mean for the words to come out again, it was just habit. Built into me from a lifetime of trying to please people.

"Vee," he scolded, earning a laugh from me. He sighed. "Look, this situation is not black and white. We've entered into weird territory and we're figuring it out. It's a bit strange and it might not be ideal, but it's okay." He paused, and I knew he'd use the moment to push back his hair while he tried to get out the right words and express how he felt in a composed way. "Just keep me in the loop, okay? And thank you for telling me."

I nodded. Not that he could see.

"Of course, Riv. I'm so—"

He cut me off with a pointed clearing of his throat.

"Right, stop apologising. Gotcha. Alright, well that's it. You get back to the pack, I'm sure they're falling apart without you." I tried—and probably failed—to sound casual and light-hearted.

Right on cue, I heard Zander in the background. "Where the hell did Riv go?" He mumbled to someone.

Then I heard an "Ohhh", indicating he found his Alpha.

"Hey, Vee," he called out. "Say hi to your sister for me." I could almost hear the smirk. "And tell her she should have come to training this morning. She needs all the help she can ge—"

The sound of Zander's voice became muffled as it tailed off, like River had thrown his hand over Zan's mouth to physically shut him up.

"Can you give me a damn minute?" Riv said to his Beta. "Sorry, Vee," he directed back at me. "The rest of them might be able to get on without me but you know how needy Zan can be." The sound of his laugh made me smile.

"Hey!" Zander exclaimed in the distance.

I laughed, enjoying how normal the interaction felt. So at odds with how I thought this conversation was going to go.

Did that make it better or worse?

Pushing the thought aside, I said, "Oh, trust me, I know."

"I better get back. But if you need anything, let me know. I'd be happy to escape this lot."

As much as his offer was lovely, I didn't want to be with either of them right now. I wanted some time alone. And maybe after that, some time with my girls.

Plus, even though I knew he'd happily leave them for me, I also knew the pack needed to be together right now. They had spent a lot of time scattered and dispersed. It was unnatural for a pack. And couldn't be good for them. Having them all in the same place had become a rarity that needed to be enjoyed, especially given their lack of pack bonfires over the last few months. Maybe I'd suggest one. Even if it wasn't on the full moon, they needed it.

"Thanks, Riv. I'm good though. I'll be with Billie and Kit for some girl time. But have fun with the pack and be safe. I'll see you in a few days when you're back."

"Sounds good, Vee. I will. Call me if you need anything, but Sky will be around if it's anything time sensitive."

We said our goodbyes and then I was out of the car and stuffing my face with pastries minutes later. With a takeaway coffee in hand, a notion that always felt oddly satisfying to me, I strolled around the busy streets, walking in and out of stores, running errands—that I had consistently been putting off—and talking to people I hadn't seen in a while until I found myself in the one bookstore Saint Claire had. My happy place. I didn't know how long I spent looking at books and flipping through pages, but when there were no more options to explore and my hands were sufficiently full of new purchases, I finally left.

Then I called Kit and Billie.

The three of us sat on the hood of one of the academy Jeeps as we devoured the fries they'd brought with them—my ultimate comfort food.

I swear I could have kissed them for rocking up with the takeaway bag from Max and TJ's. But there would be no more kissing from this girl. None at all.

I had parked up at one of my favourite lookout spots along the mountains, the view from up here making the town look like little fairy lights glistening among the twilight sky.

The girls pulled up not long ago, after I'd finished doing everything I could to appropriately distract myself. I even got some reading in, popping open one of the new paranormal romance books I'd bought at the store. With a second coffee, I"d plonked myself on a bench nestled in the town square garden and read, surrounding myself with the peaceful sounds of the nearby fountain and the casual revellers going about their daily routines. Only after my butt got numb did I leave to come up here. But the book was so good that I didn't put it down, reading in my new location until the moment the girls pulled up. Only this time, I had the comfort of my car with the beautiful view of the town changing colours in the dwindling light as my background; the perfect ambience for a book girlie.

"Distract me," I urged my friends with a dramatic sigh, leaning back against the windshield in defeat and stuffing my mouth full of salty, potatoey goodness.

"Billie hooked up with Santi." Kit grinned like a Cheshire cat.

I choked on my fries, hitting my chest a few times to clear my throat and passageways.

"Excuse me?" I managed to get out.

"I was going to tell you," Billie defended. "Kit just beat me to it." She leaned back next to me.

Kit had made herself comfortable on the roof of the vehicle with her legs crossed, her takeaway bag nestled in the space between them.

"It's just casual," Billie explained. "But we are seeing each other. Seeing if it could work. He's one of the few people in the compound that hasn't been with Kit." She nudged our promiscuous friend, who almost fell off the car as a result.

Ignoring Kit's glare with nothing but a breathy laugh, Billie continued, "I didn't want things getting too incestuous, and well, he's kind of a sweetheart. We've been getting to know each other a lot more at HQ and decided to give this a go. It's very new."

I was pleased to see my nickname for the Airbnb had caught on. But even more pleased for our bestie. Billie was a lover and deserved that love back. And from what I'd seen and experienced of Santiago, he was quite unlike most of the compound boys. He was equally as sweet and kind as he was fierce and badass. The guy didn't play games. And that was a big win in an academy full of brash, self-assured, presumptions hunters with a lack of respect for rules.

I threw my hands around her, planting a kiss on her cheek. "I am so happy for you! He seems like the perfect match. Someone who is worthy of all your awesomeness."

She chuckled. "Thanks, Vee. You're a sweetheart. We'll see how it goes."

"She didn't come back to bed all night!" Kitana blurted out, wagging her brows suggestively.

Our discussion continued down that general line for a while until my news about what had occurred this morning inevitably came out.I had told them I needed emergency girl time when I'd texted and there were no questions asked. They had no idea what they were coming for but they showed up. With food. Like the amazing friends they were.

"Omg, finalllyyyy," Kitana exclaimed. "So this is happening again?"

"I don't know what's happening, but I called Riv and told him what happened," I emphasised.

"You did?" It was Billie that spoke this time.

"Yeah. He was super understanding and sweet about it. Said that it was only fair since he kissed me when I first arrived. And that I needed to do what felt right in order to make a decision."

That damned decision that I was avoiding like the plague.

"That fucker." Kit's brows were pinched as she threw her hands up, exasperated. "It would be so much easier for you if he freaked out and acted like a dick. But no, he has to be all sweet and kind. Makes it so hard for me to hate him."

"Tell me about it," I agreed with a frustrated laugh. Not that I wanted her to hate him. Not this time. But clearly this meant she didn't. Which was progress.

I groaned. "I hate this. I'm all confused and conflicted. I feel guilty for kissing Griffin but not because it didn't feel right. And then I simultaneously feel guilty for running away from him and avoiding him all day. I don't want to deal with this. I was trying to keep my distance until I figured it out, but kissing him was not keeping my distance. And it sure as hell was not part of the plan." I sighed in defeat. "I've always found him so fucking hard to resist and today I crumbled."

Kit looked at me with compassion, her pale blonde hair glowing silver in the luminous light that the half-moon emitted. "Girl, I know you don't want to hear this, but I think this is going to eat you alive until you choose. You need to make your choice."

"For once, I'm with Kit. That is some unusually sound advice." Billie side-eyed our friend like she wasn't sure if it was actually Kitana occupying her body and I could not hold back my laughter—despite the words I dreaded to hear. The conclusion I'd already come to on my own but tried desperately to ignore, hoping it would go away.

"I did good?" Kit's whole body piqued up at the admission from Billie. Then she flicked her silvery hair back, regaining some of her usual confidence. "What am I talking about? Of course I did good." Her face was the epitome of self-assurance.

"Alright," I announced, "I'll stop avoiding it." My acceptance was laced with the undeniable feeling of defeat.

Billie got a text and her brows crumpled as she read it. "It's Santi. It's almost time for our patrol, Kit."

Kitana looked at me again and grabbed my hand. "We can stay? The others can fuck right off and take one for the team. I'm sure Santi would do that for his beloved Billie-boo." Her glacial blue eyes told me all I had to do was say the word and they'd blow off their patrol.

But I didn't want to do that to the other Knights in the squad who'd have to step in if the girl's shirked their duties. Keeping the town safe was more important than the hopeless state of my love life.

"No," I sighed. "If I'm ever going to make this decision, I need to let myself address it. For once, this situation actually calls for some self-mulling and it's best if I do that alone. You girls go. I'll be fine." I forced myself to sound anything but subdued. The smile I gave them was probably saccharine and a little forced, but it wasn't directed at them. I just couldn"t help it, the thought of dealing with this head-on was anything but pleasing to me.

Maybe I'd finally achieve some clarity though.

"You're not fooling anyone with that fake-ass smile," Kit reprimanded. My returning one this time was completely genuine and amused. "But," she continued, "whatever you need."

Billie pulled me into her side, giving me a squeeze. "I know it's hard, but it's for the best. For all of you involved. We're here if you need us and will happily bail on patrol at any point in the night should you require our assistance."

"I know. I love you girls." I reached for Kit, forcing her down to join in our little group hug, which she did with enthusiasm, practically pouncing on us.

"We love you too," Kit proclaimed, and Billie nodded her agreement.

Sliding off the hood of the Jeep, I headed back to my own car.

Kit called back over the frame of the door with a wave, "Goodluck with all the over-thinking, hun."

"Thanks. I'll need all the luck I can get," I called back before I climbed on top of my own hood and slumped down until I was laying as flat as possible, given the surface. When I could no longer hear tires on gravel, I let out an exasperated sigh to no one but the expanse of darkness before me.

I had put off making this decision for too long. I thought I was putting distance between me and them to punish myself for wanting to hold onto them both. For stringing them along. But instead, all I was doing was punishing them.

That was never my intention. And I couldn"t do it any longer.

I looked to the stars, almost waiting for them to send me an answer. To help me make the decision—as if that was possible. But it was something I'd always done. Looked to the stars.

And it was no different now. Not when this life-changing choice lingered around me, waiting for me to choose.

So I looked to the stars again.

My thoughts always went back to Griff.

We just … fit.

Whenever I was with River, my conscience immediately took me back to the hunter. I just always tried to push it away.

With Griff, River was an afterthought. As much as I hated to admit it.

I needed to remember how I felt when I was with the hunter. That he made me feel like the best version of myself. I'd thought that the whole time I was at the compound. Thought it after the first time we slept together. But I hadn't let myself think about it all this time since, too afraid to contemplate a life without River, now that he was back in mine.

It was easy to fall back into Riv's magnetising presence while being around him. Recency bias was a thing. So was confirmation bias.

I was remembering all the good times with the Alpha, and not the insecurities I'd always felt about not being a wolf. Ones I had always pushed aside. Because apart from that, my life was pretty perfect here. And the pack still loved and accepted me as a human. They always had. But I wasn't even that anymore—human.

I would never truly fit with the wolves. Not wholly. And it was by no action of River's. None at all.It was the true foundation of our natures. That he was a wolf, and I wasn't.

Even if my father was and that connection to them existed. It wasn't the same.

And let's be real, I wasn't just ‘not a wolf'. I was a hunter. A Knight deep down. That was the part of me that had called to my blood.

That dissonance between us would always exist. We could join forces as much as we wanted—I could have a soft spot for the shifters and could always be their aid when it came to the Knights—but there was a reason that every full moon so far I wasn't by River's side. He was the Alpha, and his responsibilities were to his pack first and foremost.It had to stay like that.

Ignoring it before seemed to work at the time, and we may have tried to work around it now, but that was the truth of the matter. We were not equals. Even if he tried his best to make us just that. It would never be possible. We were just not the same.

In fact, we were very different.

But I hated to diminish how much he was trying to make things work for us. How much better it was this time round.

Well, not better. It was hard to be better than what it was before the rogues unknowingly entered my world. But going back to a time before we had these worries was not a possibility. And underneath it all, there was always a slither of doubt in me. A feeling of not belonging that had always been there.

At least now that I was a supernatural those open lines of communication were so much better. And it made it easier to trust him with it all out in the open. He'd been doing everything he could to include me and break down those insecurities that had troubled me in the past.

But that wasn't enough to make this decision.

Realistically, that's what I was doing when it came to River; I was holding on and justifying it. Trying to convince myself that it could work because I wanted desperately to give him that chance. Because I owed it to him, and I didn't want to break his heart again.

I was too scared to give up something that I knew was stable and safe and comforting with River, for something that I thought may only be fleeting with Griffin. And because of that, I was clinging to him.

River was home. He was protection.

But with Griffin I belonged.

With Griffin I flourished. Grew.

I loved River. With every fibre of my being. But maybe I wasn't in love with him. Not anymore. Not like I used to be. And maybe I hadn't been for a while.

Those problems, that were only intensified when the rogues entered the picture, had created a chasm between us that I just couldn't climb back from.

Fuck, that felt horrible to admit.

It was gut-wrenching and heart-breaking. But it was true.

That spark was no longer there.

Without realising it, I'd already been referring to him as was.

Because I chose Griffin.

And I hoped and prayed that River would be able to handle and heal from it eventually. All I wanted was for him to be happy too. My friend. My comfort. My safe space.

He deserved happiness more than anything and I had hoped I could be the one to give it to him.That was likely part of the reason I was prolonging this decision; why I was pushing Griffin away even after he poured his heart out to me multiple times.

I didn't want to hurt the perfect wolf boy who deserved someone to love him purely and unfalteringly.

While that had been me once upon a time … I just didn't think it was anymore.

I could no longer try to fit in that space where I didn't perfectly belong. Maybe we didn't want to admit we were wrong, trying desperately to mould that piece into the incorrect spot because it was comfortable. Being uncomfortable was always scary.

But I think my real spot was beside Griffin.

A part of me hated myself for that, but I couldn't string Riv along like this when my heart and body so clearly knew—even if my head took longer to come around.

If I thought about it, really thought about, I think I'd already known this whole time. Known as soon as Griffin came for me. I'd just been trying to make it work for River.

At least I could say that I tried.

I knew it would be selfish to hope that Riv would remain in my life, but that hope still flickered inside me.

Even so, if he couldn't handle having me around, I'd respect that. Once we dealt with our mutual threat and I helped his pack of course.

That was the least I could do. That was my calling.

Just like Griffin was.

I could still be the anchor between their two worlds.

But I wouldn't be afraid of my choice anymore. Or better yet, I'd face the fears head on. Because this wasn't living.

While everyone else was falling in love and being loved, I was preventing myself from truly loving.

I couldn't live restricted by fear, it's hold on me dictating every move I made.

Leaving my family.

Coming to the Knights.

Not making the final blow.

Pretending I hadn't fallen in love with him.

Now I had a chance at a life with Griffin. He was offering himself and everything he had. And that had been something I'd wanted for a while if I was being honest with myself.

Yes, he could possibly hurt me. But I could do the same to him. In fact, I had. And yet he was putting his heart on the line again. He had been for months now.

Really, he hadn't hurt me at all. I was just being dramatic. He'd only reacted to my actions and his own hidden emotions.

He followed me here. Came for me. Chased me. Lived with the wolves. For me.

He was taking the risk. Now it was my turn.

If I'd learnt anything from these last few months, it was that life was too short. And I was too worried about the bigger things going on that I was living a half-life in the process.

Whether it was now or later that I made that choice, that I gave in, I had to make it at some point. It would still hurt and suck no matter when I did it. The longer I kept this up, the worse it would be for everyone involved.

The answer was blatantly obvious.

One was the sun and the other was the moon.

One was night and the other day.

But I had always been drawn to the night.

Always been awake and alive in the dark.

Always looked to the stars for answers.