CHAPTER 15

VENUS

Guilt. It was something that plagued us. Haunted us. And I could see the insidious talons of that guilt haunting River. See it in the depths of those warm honey eyes, so at odds with the cold, crushing burden of the emotion lingering on the edge.

And I desperately wanted to rid him of it. That emotion had no right to haunt those caring eyes.

Griffin had a morning full of captain business—at least, that's what I liked to call it—so he stayed at Casa Stone to do said business and would likely go through some stuff with mum after. But his main priority when I had left this morning was a mandatory conference call with his own mother, who was not thrilled at his coming early without running it by her.

It had been difficult to make time for River with Griff so out of his element—not that he really showed it, feigning nonchalance was his favourite pastime. But apart from mum, Celeste and myself, he was pretty much alone here, and I knew that had to be difficult; no matter how much practice he'd had with solidarity. Not having his friends around would be taking a toll on him.

He was getting acquainted with the pack, but that didn't mean I was comfortable leaving him with them for long periods of time. Mostly because I feared what he'd say or do, and only partly because I was worried for him. That mouth of his liked to get him in trouble and I quaked in my boots to think of the damage he could potentially do if left to his own devices with the wolves.

So I made the most of his distractions today, telling River to meet me at the spot he'd taken me to the day Griff had arrived. The surprise in his voice when I'd suggested hanging out was heart-warming. And the visible happiness on his face and general good mood that emanated from him when he'd seen me in the car park was palpable. He was practically vibrating with it. And it almost wiped away the guilt that had crept up on me for leaving Griff behind the first chance I got. Almost.

There was no winning. I felt guilt for hanging out with River and for not making enough time for him. I felt it for enjoying the time that I spent with Griffin and for leaving him behind.

I'd promised I would take the time I needed to make the choice. To them and to me. I'd promised I'd give them a fair chance. That meant hanging out with both of them.

Despite it all, I wondered if I didn't deserve either of them. Or if it would be easier to say no to both—to send them both away. Send myself away and join Xari in LA like everyone had thought I'd done earlier this year. Might as well feed into the gossip the town had spread and make it a reality.

But I'd run away once and it led me to this point in my life. And while I wouldn't take it back, while it made me who I was now, I still wished I could have done things differently.

I had to deal with the consequences of my actions. That meant making things right with both of them first and foremost. It also meant having clear and open communication lines from now on. And then, if somehow life permitted it, making my choice and setting the other free.

Or both. If it felt right.

But that was a decision for later. This moment was for River.

We found ourselves laying on the orange blanket he'd brought again. No lush picnic this time, on my request. Just us and the blanket and the sun, surrounded by the towering pines and billowing willows. We'd set up under the spider-like tree and the golden male before me—illuminated by the sun spilling through the branches—leaned against the trunk, causally soaking up the rays. Relaxed and calm.

As soon as I'd seen him today, I'd apologised again that our conversation got cut short and that we hadn't had time to finish it. He'd dismissed the apology, saying it was unnecessary and that he was glad we had time now, even though I knew it wasn't nothing to him. To both of us. It was the giant fucking elephant in the room.

Taking in the view now, I was so appreciative that he'd wanted to share this place with me. Which only intensified the remorse I felt for the way we had to leave it the last time.

I still couldn't quite believe the timing of that day.

Adjusting my position so I was sitting beside him against the trunk of the gigantic tree, I broke the silence that had settled over us from the moment we'd entered the clearing. We'd made casual conversation on our trek here, but both of us became speechless when the trees cleared and the glittering, sun-kissed water caught our attention. The view was one that would probably never cease to leave its viewers breathless.

This conversation was going to be anything but casual.

"I really am sorry that I didn't tell you about Griffin as soon as I arrived. I didn't know how to begin to explain it and there was just so much we needed to talk about. So many bridges to be mended and, well, being back with you just took over. Not that it's an excuse."

He turned towards me, his skin a golden bronze in the light. "I promise that it's okay, Vee. It's completely understandable that you moved on in that time. I shouldn't have assumed we'd pick up from where we left off. It's just that seeing you again, I couldn't help it. I thought I lost you for good and then you were back, and you were here, and it was perfect. I'm sorry for ruining it by kissing you."

My brows crumpled, pain at his apology and admission overwhelming me. "Don't apologise for that," I whispered. "You didn't know. And I didn't make it clear. Honestly, I didn't know myself." I looked away, not able to look into those honey eyes as I said, "I still don't know."

When I turned back to him, those golden orbs were wide with surprise and hope. "So, you two aren't together again then?"

"No," I said softly, holding his gaze, "I told him I needed time to sort everything out. Just like I told you."

"I assumed with him here that had changed."

"No," I repeated, shaking my head gently.

His warm hand cupped my cheek. "Well, as long as I'm still in the running, I won't give up on you, Vee. Okay?"

I nodded.

"Good," he breathed, smiling as he let go of my face and looked back towards the sunlight breaking through the trees.

"What else do you want to know? About the packs, the rogues … anything," he asked, sticking to that promise of openness. The one that would influence our possible future together.

I bit my lip, pondering. There were so many questions. Where was I meant to start?

Wanting to begin things light, I asked, "So where is Amelia staying now?"

"She's in Margaretville," he said without hesitation, his tone already sounding lighter. "Her little pack seems to operate around there. She has her own small apartment now, as do the other wolves turned around the same time as her. They're spread around that town and surrounding ones. Most shifter packs prefer smaller municipalities. But the rogues seem like they thrive off being right under everyone's noses while hiding in plain sight so they can spread their talons wider. Then they meet up in inconspicuous places where they're less likely to be found by other packs." He scrunched his face at that. "Throughout the whole of the Appalachian Mountains, there's areas of land that the packs have left alone. We have treaties in place that those areas don't specifically belong to anyone and most of us are fine to leave them be; No Man's Land. Rogues have always roamed those areas alone, but it seems now those are becoming hubs for these groups because technically they have every right to use them, just as we would have any right to use them as long as we aren't trying to claim them. Quite an extensive part of that forest near Margaretville is unclaimed and that area reaches right up to my border. Mostly, in the past, they've be used for travel between packs."

"There's so much about the packs that I never knew."

"I know. And I'm sorry about that."

I could see the truth to his statement as clear as day across that beautiful face.

"It's okay," I replied just as honestly. We would keep that in the past. "Thank you for looking after her." I squeezed his hand and he smiled at me, dipping his chin in acknowledgement.

That smile threatened to send me right back into his arms, where I had always been safe and cared for.Where he would look after me and keep me sheltered from the storm.

Tightness in my chest reminded me of the burning questions I still needed to ask. The thoughts that plagued me since I found out he was not the culprit I claimed he was. Ones I had not yet voiced due to fear of altering our dynamic forever.

I hadn't asked many of those questions the night I came back. While they were important, they wouldn't have changed my need to apologise, or the forgiveness required on our both our parts. It was okay. Whatever his answers would be, it was okay. But I still needed to hear them.

Hesitantly, I forced out the words out, initiating the deeper conversations that needed to be had.

"There's something else I need to ask. To get off my chest."

He gave me one of those looks that had been the cause of my opening up to him since he was a boy.

"Anything."

"Why didn't you try to find me? To come after me?" I dared to whisper. If he had known, known he was innocent, I couldn't understand why he didn't try to plead his case. To prove me wrong and defend his character. Why did he let me go so willingly?

"I didn't know where to start. I tried your phone, but it was here. Your socials were untouched, and trust me, I watched for any updates to no avail. The pack saw Celeste once in town and they were going to go talk to her, see what she knew, but she fled. I didn't blame her, based on what I assumed you'd told her. If I knew that's what they were planning to do, I wouldn't have let them bother her." He sighed, leaning his head back against the tree as he peered upwards, staring at the leaves and branches but not actually looking as he re-lived those days and memories that clearly brought nothing but pain, regret and sadness.

He continued, "I didn't want to go to your house. It felt wrong, like I wasn't respecting your decision. And I knew I didn't kill her, but I still blame myself that it happened under my watch—in my pack. I should have been able to stop it. And I did lie to you. So, I didn't blame you for hating me and wanting to be as far away as possible."

Most of what he was saying, I had heard from Sky. And I knew deep down. Heard it between all the words he'd previously said. But I still needed to hear these specific words come from the source. And I think a part of him needed to let them out. To voice that guilt so it could no longer clutch at his heart—that huge, forgiving, ever-worrying heart.

So I let him speak them out into the world.

For both of us.

"I didn't know where you were though. I assumed you would be in LA with Xari. That's what everyone was saying, from the few people I bothered to ask or the whispers I heard through the grapevine. I assumed it came from your mum, and well, if you were with Xari, if you were safe and you were happier without me, then I had no right to track you down and beg you to come back. That's what I thought, anyway. So I didn't bother to fight for you. I listened out, gathered what I could from people in town and tried to make sure you were safe. But I didn't fight for you like he did. And I regret it. I've regretted it every day but I'm trying to live with that choice. Trying to be better. To right my wrongs and do things differently. For you."

Well fuck.

What was I meant to say to that? What could I say to make him hurt less?

"I did hate you," I finally admitted after moments of silence. Not really the most comforting words, but I wanted to explain. "It was easier that way. To make you a monster in my head. Because without hating you, I couldn't move on. I couldn't let go. Hating you fuelled me and my mission. And as awful as this sounds, it made me into a stronger person—both physically and mentally."

The corners of his mouth tugged down. But there was resigned acceptance there.

"I know. And it's okay. The person you've become is pretty awesome." With that, his expression lifted, a dimple showing in that light-hearted smile. "Not that you weren't awesome before. But I can see the strength flowing out of you now—like it's a tangible thing. I see the purpose that you've found, and as much as I hate and regret everything that went wrong between us, it was all worth it to see you like this." He held my hand, his thumb gently brushing against my skin. "Even if you still hated me now, it would be worth it … although, I really hope you don't." A slither of uncertainty flashed across his face.

"Of course not," I reassured, holding his gaze so he saw the truth there.

He visibly calmed again. But I knew it wouldn"t last for long.

There was something else that was still on my mind. A lingering thought that I equally needed addressed but was too scared to hear the answer to.

I was almost too tired to even voice it, after all the apologising and opening up of old wounds that I'd already been doing the last few days.

But I needed to.

We'd kept things surface-level up until now, fostering the mending of our relationship. Things were delicate between us. But we were diving deeper now. This was the only possible way we could grow.

"Riv?"

"Yes, Vee?" He responded immediately.

When I stalled, biting my lip, he pushed. "What is it? Ask me anything." I heard the plea in his voice.

"Did you know I was a Knight?"

He stilled. A stillness that could only come from someone that was supernatural. A stillness that could only mean one thing.

Then he nodded.

"Yes." The word was nothing but a whisper. "I knew."

I loosed a breath. Long and heavy. I knew the answer I'd get. Knew Griffin would be right about the Alpha of a pack knowing who a Stone woman was.

I needed to give him a chance to explain. Since I didn't offer him that courtesy the last time.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"When I met you, that small, nervous girl that didn't know where to sit or where to go at lunch on her first day, I didn't think twice about who you were. Why would I? I knew hunters existed, even from that age we were always warned. My dad always cautioned us to be careful and not share our secret. We were not to tell a soul, other than the pack kids that we grew up with. The Knights were a bedtime story used to get us to behave. But I wasn't looking at other kids and wondering if they were part of these notorious people of wolf legend at that age. I just saw a girl that needed a friend. And I wanted to be that friend. After a while, when he'd become aware of it, my dad had told me the Knights had settled in Saint Claire. Told me, once again, as a cautionary tale. He didn't bother asking who my friends were, he knew the pack kids stuck together. And he trusted the warnings to do their job in deterring us from speaking about our secret to outsiders."

Sitting up and facing him, I was holding my breath, desperate to hear this side of our story.

And I saw our childhood in a whole other light. Turned out I had been in the dark about so much my entire life.

As he continued, I clung to every word, needing to hear it. To absorb it. "By the time I knew that the Stone name—your name—was one of the original hunters, you were already my best friend. I knew you. Knew you wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone me. You weren't like the stories my dad told. Plus, by then, it was far too late for me. We were already infatuated with each other." He gave me a small, lovable grin that softened me, allowing me to relax at the admission that his feelings for me were always real and true.

"I had the biggest crush on you and there was no pulling me away. At that point, my plan was to keep you from dad for as long as possible." He chuckled a little to himself at the admission. "If I'd known your father had been a wolf, things might have gone down differently," he winked at me. "It wouldn't have been as hard to convince my dad that you were different, and I probably wouldn't have had to hide you from him for as long as I did."

My ancestry was something I had excitedly told River the night of our reunion—eager to share that part of myself with him, and he'd been utterly surprised and thrilled at the fact that I was half wolf. It was the one thing that had always separated us. He'd joked that it made complete sense he'd been immediately drawn to me.

I didn't bother asking further questions that may have caused us to spiral that night, basking in our time together instead. In the happier stuff.

"When he did find out you were a Stone, when he saw you, saw your resemblance to your mother—who he'd been keeping tabs on—he warned me to stay away. But by then all the pack kids already knew and loved you too. They vouched for you, as did I. You were probably fourteen or fifteen. And I didn't care what my dad said, I knew you were different. I knew I could trust you. So when I fed you small details of who I was, risked it and proved that you would keep our secret, I knew you'd be on our side. No matter what happened, I knew we could count on you. You loved me enough to want to protect us. That's just who you were. Who you are, Vee."

He touched his palm to my cheek again, rubbing it lovingly with his thumb as he looked into my eyes and continued to tell me who I was.

"You're sweet and caring and considerate. Always worried about other people. Always supporting the underdog. Always empathetic and putting yourself in other people's shoes. You give people the benefit of the doubt. I proved it to my dad, too. To say he wasn't happy at the start was an understatement. I got patrol duty for months as punishment." His eyes momentarily crinkled in amusement, but they dulled quickly as he added, "I don't even want to think about what would have happened if I was wrong and somehow my actions put the pack in danger. But thank the moon I wasn't."

Dropping my face, he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me back against the tree, tucking me under his arm so I was comfortable for the rest of the story. I relaxed into him, listening and imagining it all unfold. My eyes were glassy as all the emotions filtered through, wave after wave, the same way I knew he was also experiencing them as he re-lived the memories now.

"Our pack was always careful anyway and we never did anything to capture the attention of the Knights. So I assumed we'd be fine. Took a gamble, I guess. I knew you didn't know—about your birthright. Knew that if you did, you'd tell me. Confide in me like I had in you. And I assumed that if the time came and you were called to follow that path, if your mum told you and you were forced to train and learn the ways of the Knights, that you'd do so with us in mind. Be an ally and a friend. That we'd deal with it together and make it work. I knew how much you loved the pack, and I desperately hoped it would be enough."

I peered up at him curiously, watching the way his jaw moved as he spoke and his eyes glowed amber in the light.

He continued, "But the fact that your mum didn't tell you, I assumed there was a purpose to her silence. Assumed and hoped she didn't want you to be part of that life, for whatever reason. And I was so relieved that it wouldn't be an issue for us. I thought we'd lucked out. And even though it occasionally crossed my mind, I never saw you as anything other than Vee. My Vee."

His fingers paused the idle patterns they were tracing along my arm so he could look down at me, meeting my gaze. "It just wasn't my place to tell you. I didn't want to drive that wedge between you and your family. I knew it needed to come from your mum, but simultaneously hoped that if it hadn't already come out, then maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't have to be something we dealt with. Eventually, you won dad over too. Not that he ever didn't like you, he was just … cautious. But he vouched for you as well, to anyone that may have questioned it."

"To the elders? Like Tanner?" I cut in, remembering my earlier assumptions.

River's face visibly strained but he answered immediately. "Yes, like Tanner. Being an elder who'd had various run ins with the Knights, he was worried."

"I don't blame him," I offered.

"I think he'll always be slightly more hesitant, but like everyone else, he saw you put the pack first. Saw you by my side, hosting the bonfires and looking after us. Being an honorary member." He smiled warmly and then added, "When my dad died and I became Alpha, I made sure the pack was even more well behaved. So there was no reason your mum would look at us, and if she did sense it, she would hopefully have no reason to act. I'd never heard of the Knights acting without cause, so even if you did decide to tell her, I hoped there would be no need for us to fear. But I meant what I said about not knowing you were a wolf the night you came back; I had no idea that any Knight would be involved with a shifter." His lips tilted into a grin. "I knew I trusted your mum for a reason."

I returned his grin but then found myself saying, "Do you think part of you kept the pack business a secret from me because of my last name?"

It had to be asked … for my own sanity. It was okay if he said yes. I wouldn't hold it against him.

"No."

Once again, he didn't hesitate.

"I wasn't lying when I said I didn't tell you about specific details because I was trying to keep you safe. That was always my goal. I wanted to protect you from the stress and burden that you feel now." He looked down at me.

"However," my heart dropped ever so slightly at the word, "there was part of me that didn't want to be responsible for you hearing about the Knights for the first time because of everything that was going on. Which is why I probably progressively got more secretive as the threat of that increased. I was trying to protect you—and your mum, I guess—from that as well. In doing so, I lied to you. I don't deny that's what I did. It was easier to just keep you out of it. And because you didn't know who you were, in my mind I was keeping you safe from the rogues and the threat they posed by continuing to keep you in the dark."

It made sense. All of it made sense, and I told him as much.

"I'm sure after everything that happened, Tanner's probably withdrawn the idea that I'm trustworthy," I thought out loud, mulling it over.

"He might have his reservations, but I think he's more concerned by our larger issues." He looked at me. "And you came back. You're working with us now. Just like I hoped you would if you ever became a Knight."

He played with a strand of my hair, the gesture almost second nature to him after years of doing it and the smile that graced his lips was pleased and pure.

"And the rest of the pack? They all knew?"

"They all knew and trusted you. You grew up with us. They knew who you really were but were warned never to bring it up. I couldn't have them being the ones to break it to you. Eventually, they stopped seeing you as a Knight. You were just our Vee." He pushed some flyaway strands of his hair out of his face, the movement so very River that I had to intently watch it, committing it to memory once again.

"Thank you for telling me all that, Riv."

"Of course, Angel." His eyes were bright with happiness. "Thank you for giving me another chance."

He grabbed my hand again and our eyes locked.

"I didn't fight for you then, but I'll fight for you now," he declared.

The words were beautiful. What every girl wanted to hear.

But having two boys fighting for you …

I couldn't help but think it would be easier if one of them chose not to.