37. Sage

CHAPTER 37

Sage

I wasn’t sure how long I sat on the running path, trembling with fatigue and pain and frustration and anger, although it couldn’t have been that long since I didn’t hear the eighth bell call the second shift to dinner.

A few guardsmen who were still in the sparring yard glanced my way, but no one offered to help — not that I expected anyone to. No, if I’d had any doubts about everyone in the Black Tower despising me, they’d vanished as I wiped the puke off my hands onto the thighs of my ripped pants, staggered to my feet, and hobbled back to the Tower.

I didn’t bother with dinner. I wouldn’t have been able to keep hold of my anger at the comments, looks, and attempts to trip me. The fear I’d felt when Rider had yelled at me had burned away after the tenth time around the track and he still hadn’t told me to stop.

I didn’t care that I knew a softer, kinder Rider in the Garden. That Rider had to be a lie, a mask he wore when he was with a woman. If that had been the real Rider, he wouldn’t have made me run until I threw up.

And then Talon and Quill had shown their true colors as well, turning their backs on me and walking away even though I was clearly unwell.

A part of me knew they couldn’t have helped me without proving Mikel and the others right. Helping me after I threatened to kill them and then broke Ambrose’s nose would definitely be special treatment. But Durand trying to rape me only proved I’d never make friends with any of them anyway, so it didn’t matter if I got special treatment or if they thought I was spoiled and arrogant or not.

They weren’t going to change their minds about me, and I was done trying to win them over or even just go unnoticed. I just needed to get through four, maybe five more rotations to ensure Sawyer’s safety, and then I could turn myself over to Rider.

That thought flickered icy fear within me that made me want to scream, but I swallowed it back as I struggled up the three flights of stairs to my floor in the barracks.

After this afternoon, I couldn’t trust Rider to protect me when I revealed the truth. He might be kind to fae women, but that didn’t mean he’d be kind to a human woman.

At best, he’d return me to Edred. At worst, he’d punish me before sending me back… or never send me back. He’d been furious when I’d threatened the others, and I doubted he’d just wanted to send me running around the trail.

He wasn’t able to take his anger out on another Guardsman, but once I revealed I was a woman, there’d be nothing to stop him from letting loose.

Edred had looked at me and Sawyer the same way Rider had when I’d broken Ambrose’s nose, and I had no doubt if Edred hadn’t arranged a good bride price for me or had figured out a way for no one to notice I was gone, he’d have locked me in Herstind Castle’s dungeon and punched and whipped and cut his frustration into my body until I died.

But there was no escape from Rider. I was magically bound to the Black Tower so I couldn’t just run away. All I could do was hope I could keep my identity a secret long enough for Sawyer to get out of the Five Great Kingdoms.

Except how could I manage that when everyone was watching me?

I bit back another scream and opened the door at the top of the stairs. The barracks’ hallway with the dozens of plain wooden doors on either side had never looked so long before.

I shouldn’t have encouraged the rumor that I was getting special treatment, and I certainly shouldn’t have used their bullying to try to become a better fighter.

Shadows above, I still had my impending death to deal with.

I still didn’t know when I’d be attacked, but given how things had soured so quickly with the other novices and the fact that they thought I was Sawyer in my vision, it had to happen soon. No matter what I wanted, if Mikel and Durand and their self-made elite team of human fighters were going to retaliate for my threats, they’d do it soon. And I wasn’t anywhere near ready to face them.

This afternoon had more than proven that.

Sure, I’d managed to draw Bramwell’s dagger, but Ambrose had disarmed me before I’d even realized what he was doing.

I could try keeping pace with some of the other novices not involved in the group, but I doubted that would help.

Like all the other times, they’d just pretend they didn’t notice and keep on running the trail, probably happy that they weren’t going to be the ones running with the bag of rocks after the training session.

I finally reached the end of the hall and staggered into my room. My legs were so sore and weak, I could barely stand, but I managed to lean against my wash basin and wash my hands and rinse out my mouth before collapsing on my bed. My clothes were sweaty and grimy, and I’d ripped both pantlegs and skinned my knees, but I didn’t have the energy to do more. And Great Father help me if I ended up in the Garden?—

A whisper of a warm breeze tickled my cheek, carrying with it the soft, sweet scent of the flowers in the Garden.

Stupid— Fucking— Not now!

I squeezed my eyes tighter and tried to will myself back into my body in the Black Tower, but it was like the scent of those softly glowing pink and white flowers had gotten stuck in my nose and kept growing stronger. Then the far-off sound of masculine voices and laughter joined in and I knew I was stuck.

Come on!

I didn’t want to have to deal with avoiding the men in the Garden, and I particularly didn’t want to risk running into Rider. I wouldn’t be able to pretend he hadn’t made me run until I’d dropped and I’d end up yelling at him. With my luck, he’d probably figure out everything and that would be the end of that.

Which meant if I wanted to avoid him and everyone else, I needed to get out of the open. Anyone could see me right now with a simple glimpse from the courtyard onto the manicured lawns of the garden.