Chapter 5

Doug

My feet pound the pavement,each step a sharp echo in the cacophony of New Yorks relentless buzz. I shove my way through clumps of tourists, my heart thumping wilder than the beat of street musicians drumming on upturned buckets.

Sorry, I grunt as I shoulder past a hotdog vendor, his yell drowned out by the squeal of taxi brakes and the relentless hum of city life.

Must find Lori. Must find Lori.

My brain is a damn broken record stuck on that one track. The need to see her, to explain, to make things right with her, its like a fire under my ass, propelling me forward.

Watch it, buddy! someone snaps as I sidestep a couple locked in a selfie session. Theyre oblivious to my urgency, to the storm of regret brewing inside me.

My breaths are labored, and I’m internally cursing myself with every stride. What the hell was I thinking? Letting my guard down, letting desire lead me into murky waters when I shouldve been the anchor. I didn’t want Lori to think I was taking advantage of her. But the ran she ran from me…it’s clear she thought something else.

She thinks I regret it.

And that kills me. How can she think that? She’s mine, dammit. Mine! She’s everything to me. Tonight, holding her finally, was the best moment of my entire life.

I duck around a stroller, narrowly avoiding a collision with a toddlers ice cream cone. The kids wail fades as I leave chaos in my wake. The weight of my mistake feels like Im dragging an anchor now, but theres no time to wallow in self-pity. I grit my teeth, the taste of desperation bitter on my tongue. Got to find Lori. I have to tell her...

Excuse me! Police business! I shout, not sure if the badge Im not currently wearing offers any weight to my plea. But it parts the sea of people enough for me to surge ahead.

Sorry and excuse me are becoming my new mantra, but they feel empty compared to the pounding guilt. My own stupidity, its like a punch to the gut, a reminder that I crossed lines I never shouldve even eyed from a distance.

Where are you, Lori? I whisper to no one, scanning faces that blur into an indistinct mass of humanity. Her green eyes, like some damn beacon, Im searching for them in an ocean of strangers.

A gust of wind whips past, carrying with it the smells of street food and exhaust, and for a second, just a split second, I imagine its her scent. That mix of floral shampoo and something uniquely Lori. Its enough to fuel another block, another mile, however much further I have to go.

With each intersection, I push harder, ignoring the stitch in my side and the burn in my lungs. The citys a labyrinth, but Im driven by something primal, something that doesnt give a damn about odds or logic.

And so, I run. Through the crowded streets of New York, chasing after a girl whos become my sudden, unexpected everything.

* * *

I trudge back through the door of my apartment, slamming it shut behind me. The silence that greets me is a stark contrast to the cacophony of the city Ive just left. My chest heaves as I lean back against the cold wood, letting out a ragged breath. Damn it! I curse as I rake a hand through my hair. I shouldve been on my guard, shouldve seen the signs in those guarded green eyes.

The thought of Lori out there somewhere, alone and probably scared, twists my guts into knots. I pace the room like a caged animal, the image of her walking away burning on the back of my eyelids.

Over the next few days, I hit the pavement with a vengeance. Every fiber of my being is laser-focused on finding Lori. I visit all her usual haunts, those little nooks of New York that she lit up just by stepping into them. The soup kitchen, the alleys she loiters in, the coffee shop she likes to slip into just because she likes to smell the coffee even though she can’t afford a cup.

My heart constricts. Never again, I vow. Never again will she want for anything when I find her.

Seen this girl around? I ask again and again, thrusting my phone with her picture at anyone wholl give me the time of day. Some shrug, others shake their heads, a few offer a vague, Maybe. Its never enough, but I keep asking, driven by a cocktail of love and pure, relentless hope.

I practically wear a groove in the sidewalk from my constant back-and-forth. Im a man possessed, every rejection only stoking the fire. I cant eat, cant think straight. All I can do is search for Lori, chase after that connection that felt so damn right and yet so complicated.

Hey, officer, slow down! Youre making us look bad! some beat cop jokes as I breeze past him for the umpteenth time.

Ha, if only you knew, I throw back over my shoulder, not breaking stride. But inside, Im screaming. Because Ive got to find her, got to tell her that she’s everything to me.

* * *

Im running on fumes, the citys heartbeat pounding in sync with my own. Its been days, endless days of turning over every rock, every alleyway. The neon lights flicker above me, mocking my desperation as they illuminate another night of fruitless searching.

Seen her? My voice is hoarse as I shove my phone under the nose of the barista at a coffee shop. She squints at Loris picture, shaking her head slowly, her apologetic sorry barely registering over the grind of the espresso machine.

Thanks anyway, I mutter, stepping out into the chill that cuts through my jacket and straight into my bones. Ive become a ghost among the living, haunting the places that hold the echoes of her laughter, her touch.

The diner where I once watched Lori get some late-night fries, I hit that next. I flash Loris photo at the weary-eyed waitress who just nods toward an empty booth in the back. “Haven’t seen her in days, poor thing. She’s a good girl, really. I used to let her mop the floor in exchange for a meal.”

I look toward the booth. I can picture her there, Lori’s green eyes sparkling with that mix of mischief and innocence that hooked me from the start. God, what I wouldnt give to go back, to freeze time.

I go back there every day, hoping that Lori has stopped back.

Nothing, huh? I say, my reflection in the window showing a man I hardly recognize anymore. The waitresss pitying look says it all—she has no news, and my heart sinks another inch.

Good luck, hon, she calls after me as I push through the door, back into the cold.

Thanks, I throw over my shoulder, but its just noise. Empty noise in a city deaf to my pleas.

I end up outside a club, the bass vibrating the sidewalk beneath my feet. I never saw Lori at a club, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

Hey, man, you alright? The bouncers brows are knit with concern as I approach, looking like hell warmed over.

Have you seen her? I ask, the edge in my voice sharper than I intend. He studies Loris picture, then shakes his head with genuine regret.

Sorry, brother. Havent seen her.

Damn. My fingers dig into my scalp, frustration making me want to scream into the void. I’m wound too tight, a spring about to snap. But snapping isn’t an option—not when Lori’s out there, somewhere, without me.

Keep an eye out, will ya? I plead, the bouncer’s nod offering little comfort as I turn away.

Will do, he says, but Im already lost in the thrumming crowd, invisible in my search for a girl who doesnt seem to want to be found.