Chapter 3

Ivy

“You seem … weird,” Fallon says as she sits down for breakfast.

“Weird?”

“Yeah. What’s with the humming and swaying?”

I didn’t even realise I was doing either. I’d just popped the radio on low while I made breakfast and gotten on with it.

“Just going about my day.”

“Hmm. Wouldn’t have anything to do with the same thing that was making you all smiley last night, would it?”

I look at her quizzically. “What thing?”

“A certain mechanic, maybe.”

“Seriously?”

“Well, it was him you were messaging all evening, wasn’t it?”

I eye her curiously. “What makes you think that?”

“Because Cassie messaged me last night saying her dad was acting all weird too, pouncing on his phone the second he got a message, grinning at it. Asked him outright, she did. He said you two were chatting.”

He did, did he? I don’t really have time to process the rest of what she’s said as she begins talking again.

“She told him you’d invited her to come out with us over the Easter holidays.”

“And if he’s okay with it, that still stands.”

She nods thoughtfully. “You know, they’re still pretty new in town. Cassie said he’s not really made any friends, that he works all the time. Maybe it would be nice if you asked him to come too.”

I’m not stupid, I know what she’s doing. She’s been suggesting men to me for a year or so now, telling me I should dip my toe back in the dating pool. Okay, so she didn’t actually phrase it like that, what she actually said was more along the lines of why don’t you try Tinder, see what’s out there, get some action? I should have been horrified. A lot of mothers would be. Fallon and me, though, we’ve always openly discussed things like sex and relationships, even if she doesn’t listen when I tell her time and time again that I’m probably done with men. The one word she always focuses on? Probably.

“He’s welcome to tag along if he wants,” I tell her.

“Cass says he’s pretty shy, it would be nice if you asked him, make him feel welcome,” she pushes.

The problem is, she knows I know just what it’s like to be the new person in town. I spent my childhood moving around, and just when I thought I’d settled in my adult life, I had the rug pulled out from underneath me when Stu left. Fallon is like me in so many ways, except one. She never dwelled on him leaving, didn’t let it affect her like I did. I spent so many months trying to figure out whether she was okay, talking to her, asking how she was, and being angry on her behalf.

It wasn’t until about a year after he left that I finally saw it. The fact she’d just processed it differently to me. I’d spent my time thinking I’d done something wrong, to be honest, I still do. I can’t fathom how someone could just walk away from their daughter and never contact them again without a reason. So naturally, I blame myself. But Fallon, when I’d asked her how she was doing without her dad around, she simply said she was fine, that she could be sad about it, get mad about it, but she was choosing not to waste her energy on someone who couldn’t be bothered to care about her.

When I pushed her, she admitted that at first, she thought maybe she’d done something wrong, but deep down, she knew she hadn’t, that we hadn’t, and so, if he didn’t care about her, she would choose not to care about him. It was a very grown up and well thought out bit of reasoning for a then eleven-year-old. And a year after that, she asked if she could change her surname from Harlow to my maiden name of Meadows. And we did.

“So, will you? Will you ask him?”

“Fine, I’ll ask if he fancies any of the things we’re doing. Happy now?”

She grins as she takes a mouthful of fluffy pancake. “Very.”

“Don’t go getting any ideas. This is not some kind of weird double date.”

She giggles. “Well, maybe just a single date. He’s a very good-looking man.”

She’s not wrong. “He is, but you can stop plotting right now. You concentrate on whatever’s going on with you and Cassie and leave my love life alone.”

“Mum, there’s nothing going on with Cassie. It was a one-time thing.”

“You don’t want anything more?”

She considers the question for a moment. “No. She’s my best friend. I know I’ve got a load of friends, but her, we just clicked, was like she’d always been in my life, been my best friend.”

“And that’s not a good basis for a relationship?”

“It is … it’s just, I’m not really sure whether I really like her like that. I mean, she’s beautiful, and it was nice, but … I dunno. Maybe it wasn’t the right girl.”

She looks conflicted, plays with the fork resting on her own empty plate.

“You want to tell me how everything came about? Maybe I can help you make sense of how you’re feeling.”

She nods, but answers a message on her phone before giving me her full attention. It’s fine though, she’s relaxed, acting normally, which is what I always want.

“Cassie confided in me about her sexuality and, honestly, I’ve wondered a few times about things myself, so I asked her how she knew. She said she just did, that there wasn’t a time when she had some great epiphany, she just always knew.”

“You said you’ve wondered a few times. Have you had feelings towards other girls? To Cassie?”

“I guess. I’m not sure. I think some girls are really pretty and I’ve kind of thought about them when I’ve been masturbating but, I also think about boys too.”

I adore that we have the sort of relationship where she’s perfectly happy to talk to me like this, about masturbating, about sexuality. It makes me feel like I’ve done my job well, that I’ve brought her up to not be afraid or ashamed of such things.

“Well, that’s okay, you just need to listen to your instincts.”

“Yeah. That’s what Cassie said. I told her I’d sometimes thought about it, and she asked if I wanted to kiss her, see if I enjoyed kissing a girl. And I did. And I got kind of turned on, too. So, I told her.”

“And that progressed to the sex?”

“Not straight away. We talked first, about how I was confused still about what I liked, how neither of us had any experience and were nervous about taking that step, that we wouldn’t know what to do. And then we looked up some stuff online, found some porn with two women. Mum, it was really hot and that kind of confused me even more.”

“It’s natural to be aroused, and you could still find it hot without it meaning anything. But if it does mean something, if you’re attracted to girls, that’s fine.”

“It was actually me who came up with the idea for us to have sex. I just asked her straight out if she wanted to try what we’d just watched. I said that we were friends, would always be friends, and who better to share your first time with than someone who already loves and respects you and wouldn’t judge you when you’re still learning.”

“It makes sense. And I’m really glad you talked about respect there. That’s a very important part of sex and relationships.”

“We talked a lot, what it would mean, what would happen if one of us felt something and the other didn’t, how we’d be completely honest.”

“I’m really proud of you right now. Of both of you. You had a very adult conversation before rushing into anything.”

She smiles. “We had to, I didn’t want to risk losing my best friend over a stupid mistake. But when we were both undressed and in bed, it got really awkward, so we talked again. And then we kind of just started kissing and touching, and, well, you walked in after about half an hour so you know where we’d got to.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry about that. I wasn’t really expecting it.”

She gives a nervous giggle. “I wasn’t expecting it either. The sex or you walking in on us.”

“And the experience didn’t make anything clearer for you?”

“It felt really good but I didn’t get the same feelings as when I touch myself. I didn’t get close to coming even though once we got over the awkwardness it was pretty hot. And we talked about that too, you know, after you left. She said the same, it felt good, but not the same as when she touches herself. So, we’re just friends. Plus, there’s this boy at school I think is cute, so I really don’t know what I want.”

“Maybe you like both. Perfectly normal. And I’m here if you ever want to talk about anything, you know that.”

She smiles. “I do. I love you, mum, you’re really pretty great.”

My heart swells every time she tells me she loves me, and now is no different. She’s a very well-adjusted kid, and I couldn’t be more proud.

“I love you too, Fally, and you’re even better than pretty great, you’re freaking awesome.”

“Awesome enough for you to give Dan a call and invite him out with us?”

Cheeky little cow. “Yeah, fine. I’ll drop him a message when I’m showered and dressed.”

****

“I’m starting to wonder if we actually brought the kids along,” Dan says as we wander the crowds of the theme park.

“We have kids?”

He laughs as I look around, peering at the crowds, patting myself down, checking in my bag.

“You think we should be worried?” he asks.

I’m not worried at all, they’ve stuck to the stipulations we put on the day so far, and so we have to trust them.

“I don’t think so. We agreed they could go off on their own as long as they messaged once every half hour and met us for lunch. They’ve stuck to that, they’re good kids.”

Despite the humorous way he’s approached it, I can see the worry on his face.

“Dan, it’s fine. Would you want to walk around a theme park with your parents at sixteen?”

“Guess not. It’s just packed in here. I thought we might at least see them, run into them.”

“I know, but you’ve got to trust them. Yes, you can be worried as fuck, but to them, this is us giving them freedom, showing we believe in them. It’ll mean a lot to them.”

“You’re not worried about Fallon?”

“I’m really not. She knows what I expect, she’s got a smart head on her shoulders, and I trust her more than I trust most adults. As she gets older, you’re going to have to learn to do the same with Cassie.”

Our phones ping at the same time and we pull them out. The same photo fills both our screens, a smiling Fallon and Cassie.

“See, they’re checking in like we asked. And look how happy they are.”

I watch him smile at his screen, run his thumb over Cassie’s cheek, and then Fallon’s name pops up on his screen and he glances quickly at me before turning it away.

“Hey,” I say, hands on hips. “What’s she want? If she’s hitting you up for money, you tell her to run along now.”

He looks around then, and I follow his gaze, thinking he’s looking for the girls.

“That one,” he exclaims seconds later.

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“I have it on good authority that you love rollercoasters, so we’re going on that one.”

I look between him and the tall tracks of the theme park’s main attraction. “It’s been years. I think Fallon was about eleven last time I went on one. And that’s huge.”

“Sounds like you’re long overdue a ride, then.”

My mind goes straight to a different kind of ride altogether, even more so when he places a large hand on the small of my back and steers us towards the queue. It’s as if I can feel his touch on my skin, like it’s burning straight through the top and light jacket I have on.

The queue is long and as we move through the barriers and the space gradually gets tighter and tighter, forcing us closer and closer. We make polite conversation, talk about the girls, laugh when half hour later they send us another photo of them, this time with candy floss moustaches. They’re having a good time, that’s what matters most today. That’s what my mind should be on. It shouldn’t be on Dan’s thigh pressed against mine as we stand side by side, or five minutes later his body pressed against my back as the queue takes another turn and the people around us pack in like sardines. But it is.

And it still is as we get to the front of the line, a little space now to actually talk face to face as we wait for the current riders to get off.

“What is it you love so much about these things, you some kind of adrenaline junkie?” Dan asks as we wait.

“Not really, probably not anymore. I’m actually feeling pretty apprehensive. For me, it was always that feeling as you teeter on the edge, just before you fall and get that big surge…”

I trail off as I realise what I’m saying, how it aligns so much with another kind of being on the edge, one I fell spectacularly from last night thinking of the man in front of me. The one whose eyes just dipped to my mouth, who has clearly made the same connection with my words. Fuck, and now we’re staring at each other, no words, just a look. I’ve got to get a grip. I’m not interested in Dan. I’m not. He’s nothing but Cassie’s dad. Cassie’s incredibly hot dad.

“Space for two,” comes the attendant’s voice and brings us both back from the moment we’re locked in.

It very quickly becomes apparent that my love of rollercoasters has waned somewhat. Mostly to do with the fact I’ve never been on one this high, or with as many twists and turns and loops. The wind rushes against my face, whips my curls around, no doubt tangling them up into some kind of wild animal nest for when we alight. We’re surrounded by the delighted and terrified screams of the other riders, it’s fast, furious, leaves me breathless as loop after loop brings my stomach up into my mouth then drops it down to my knees. As we pull back into the platform, I’m almost frozen to the spot.

“That was terrifying,” I squeak.

“I can tell,” Dan replies as he looks pointedly down to where I’m gripping his hand so hard I’ve left nail marks.

“Shit. Sorry.”

He laughs. “No need for sorry. I’ll let you hold my hand when you’re scared if you need.”

I suddenly realise that I’ve not yet let go and hastily remove my hand. “It’s all good, I’ve been doing things for myself a while now, scary shit too, like getting rid of huge spiders, I’m good.”

He shudders. “Well, maybe I’ll be needing you then. I hate spiders. Cass gets rid of them in our house.”

“Well, if she’s ever not around and you need saving, give me a call.”

He looks at me for a moment, a thought clearly playing on his mind. “I know you’re practically Supermum, but if you do ever need anything, just let me know, okay?”

It’s said with such softness and genuine care that I don’t instantly become defensive and bite back. Instead, I simply say, “Okay.”

“I know ‘okay’ means you’ll still struggle on your own rather than ask for help, but how about we say maybe when you’re trying to do something ridiculous like lift the washing machine one-handed to hoover under it, you call me instead?”

I can’t help but smile. “Only if I need to hoover under the washing machine. Otherwise, I’ll earn your help when I rid your home of the next giant spider.”

“I think you already owe me three or four just for squashing my hand. It’s my right one as well, the one I … write with.”

We both know that’s not what he was going to say, and I find myself giggling. I also feel the blush rise up my cheeks and wonder who on Earth I am right now. I don’t giggle over men. It’s nice to see his personality and sense of humour coming out, though, to see he’s not always so serious. Fuck, hang on, what’s he doing now?

“I’m collecting on one of those you owe me. Go along with it, please?” he whispers in my ear as he pulls me to him and brings his face down next to mine.

“What the hell is—”

“Dan, so nice to see you. How are you? Oh … Ivy … I didn’t realise that was you.”

Susannah, one of Clipboard Claire’s flunkies, looks me up and down as I turn in Dan’s arms to face her. The smile as she slowly looks me up and down, takes in my jeans and tee, does nothing to hide her disgust.

“Hi Susie,” I beam as I watch her look between my face and Dan’s, clearly thinking exactly what he wanted her to.

“It’s Susannah. What are you two doing here?”

“Same as you I imagine,” Dan replies. “It’s Easter, we’ve brought the kids along.

“Oh, yes. You look rather … cosy, though. I didn’t realise the two of you were dating.”

“How’s Georgiana doing?” I ask, quickly changing the subject as I see her daughter loitering over by the gift shop on her own and looking all kinds of bored.

“She’s just peachy. Doing really well in school, especially since we got her that tutor, and we signed her up for additional language classes too. She’s learning Mandarin and German now. She’s being a little resistant to the equestrian sessions, but she’ll come around. I mean, who doesn’t like horses?”

Poor Georgie, no wonder she looks so miserable. “And when does she get to be a teenager and have some fun?”

It’s like I’ve asked a question in a language Susannah doesn’t understand. “We’re here now. I’ve given her the afternoon for some recreational time.”

“A whole afternoon, wow—”

“Hey mum,” a bouncing Fallon says as she and Cassie appear beside us. “What’s going on?”

I know she’s talking about the fact I’m cuddled up under Dan’s arm, but instead I widen my eyes a little and nod towards Susannah. Thankfully, she gets it straight away, understands it’s a show for her benefit.

“Hi Mrs Bradley, where’s Georgie?”

Susannah sighs deeply. “It’s Georgiana, and it’s also Ms Bradley now.”

She looks directly at Dan as she emphasises her marital status and he shuffles uncomfortably beside me, his fingers digging into my hip a little as he pulls me closer. I kind of like the feeling. It does, however, make me wonder just how they’d feel doing the same thing in bed as he… No. Stop it, this is not happening. Must get whatever part of my brain it is that’s having these thoughts under control. Though I suspect it’s a body part a little lower that’s doing the thinking right now.

“Well, is Georgiana here?” Fallon asks, a little sarcastically, and honestly, I should tell her off for it, but I don’t. Susannah is one of those mothers I try to avoid, all status and no substance. I worry for Georgie.

Georgie slips into our little group then, a nervous smile at the girls.

“You want to come on the rides with us?” Cass asks, immediately sensing the vibe Georgie is giving off.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Susie begins and before I can cut her off with a multitude of reasons it’s a great idea, Fallon steps in.

“Oh, but it is, look at that lovely skirt suit you’re wearing, you wouldn’t want to get such an expensive thing all grubby sitting in the same seats a million people have been on today, or soaking wet on the log flume. We’re heading there next. Georgie, I mean Georgiana, can come with us, and you can have time to relax.”

She smooths down her skirt and looks around. “I don’t know.”

“We check in every half hour, like clockwork. And just tell us when you want her back, and we’ll bring her wherever you want,” Fallon adds. She’s a smart cookie.

“I suppose. But I want her back here by 4pm, we have to get home so I can get dinner ready.”

“Done,” Fallon grins as she pulls Georgie into her side. “Let’s go raise some hell.”

Susie looks as though she’s going to have a coronary as the three girls almost skip away. “She was joking, they’re really sensible, I promise.”

I don’t think my words help much as she once again looks me up and down before excusing herself and wandering off. We’re about to do the same, Dan having removed his arm from me, when a grinning Fallon runs back up to us.

“Uh-uh, you’ll have to keep that up for the rest of the day now,” she says as she takes Dan’s hand and lifts his arm around my shoulders. “Clearly you wanted Susie to think you two were dating, you’ve got to stay in character now. It shouldn’t be too hard, mum said she thinks you’re hot, and Cassie said you told her mum was pretty.”

With that, she runs off to join her friends again, leaves us both standing there, and as I look up at Dan, he’s already grinning. Oh crap, this is going to be a long afternoon.