Chapter 3

Deer-anged Demeanor

Ican’t believe I ran away last night. Literally, made my excuses, and hot-footed it back to my tent. I couldn’t take it, couldn’t take him telling me he loves me. I’m not sure what running achieved, other than a look of hurt crossing the face of the man I love. Yes, yes, I know. I love him, he loves me, we fell into bed together after not seeing each other for a little over two years, and it should all be so easy. But it’s not. Because when I left James, it was because something happened. Something I shouldn’t have kept to myself. Something he might not forgive.

But today is a new day, and I just have to make the best of it, get through this trip. Though, I’m just now realising that hiking through the forest while my mind is on other things was a bad idea. I’ve ventured too far, the walk back longer than I thought, and I’m pretty sure I took a wrong turn somewhere. Maybe several wrong turns.

Every step seems to take me further from where I want to go, my own boots and the chirping of the birds are the only sounds as I lose myself in nature. At least the weather has settled. The ground beneath my feet may be soft and muddy, but the sun is forcing its way through the gently swaying branches above, the ground awash with flickering light and dancing shadows. As pretty as it is, I’d really like to find my way back.

I’m not sure how much time passes while I wander trail after trail, anxiety rising with each pass of the same damn tree, its crooked trunk tormenting me each and every time. Eventually I come out into a clearing, wildflowers sprinkled through long grass, a raised ridge looking down onto a lake. This new vantage point helps me get my bearings. I can’t help but stop and stare, though, the view making me reluctant to return to the trails and start over. It’s breathtaking.

Splashing in the shallows with Bear, fussing over the huge, gentle giant, is James. He’s glorious, a vision of sculpted muscle and toned athleticism, and the love he shows that dog, it’s quite something. He throws a tatty tennis ball along the shore and Bear gallops after it, paws thudding on the soft sand beneath his feet, returning every time, releasing the ball back to his owner, eager to go again.

When the pair drift out of sight, I peel away from the tree I’ve pressed myself against, edge forward until I’ve got them back. That used to be my life, me and them, together. Until I was the only one taking Bear for walks, James either working or sleeping in the few hours he was home. I’ve not seen this James for a long time. He looks happy, relaxed, the once almost permanent crease in his brow now replaced with a smile that could stop traffic.

Edging forward proves hazardous as my foot slides from underneath me. My knees hit the ground, soil and pebbles tumble down the rocky face below and I scrabble away, heart pounding. Maybe this is just another sign, a sign that letting myself get too close to James again will end in disaster. Or another case of my own actions hurting myself.

I risk one more peek, one last look at James, and then I’ll head back, pack up my tent and go. I don’t care what I had to prove, what I promised, I can’t do this. It hurts too much.

That one last peek, though, it leaves me staring into those eyes. The falling debris must have alerted him and Bear as both stand staring up to where I now kneel above them.

“Katie,” James calls, but I’m up, turn on my heel and run for the trees. I have an idea where I am now, can make it back, get the hell out of here.

The fresh air, the damp woodsy scent, the sweet aroma of spring flowers, they fill my senses, my lungs, and I pump my legs harder and faster, not caring about the twigs and branches catching on my clothes as I fly through the trees. I’m like a fallow deer, running and leaping, bounding over all that’s in my way.

“Oh, no you don’t.”

I hear the words, become aware of their presence just seconds before I’m caught around the waist, an arm wrapped easily around me, stopping me in my tracks.

Bear barks, thinks it’s a game, but I’m not playing, I need to get away.

“Stop running,” James says as he releases me and steps back. “You walked away two years ago, now you’re running, avoiding me. Kitty Kat, please, explain.”

I don’t know how, don’t know where to even start.

“I left you alone last night, let you process everything, gave you the space you so clearly wanted. This morning though, I came to find you, must have turned up at your tent a dozen times. Every time you weren’t there, it was like coming home to find you gone again.”

My chest aches, tears threaten, and I can’t look up, can’t look into those eyes. Could I explain it? Would it only hurt him more?

“I’m not a cocky bloke, but I know last night wasn’t just sex. The way you touched me, the way your body reacted to mine, you felt something, you still feel something. Everything we ever had is still right here, so what’s stopping us trying again?”

I broke his heart, and he wants to try again?

“Jay, I … We …”

“There’s no answer, is there? You know why? Because you and me, we make sense. From the second we met, I knew it was always going to be you. I lost you once, I won’t let it happen again.”

His arm snakes around my waist, his lips find mine, and it’s all I can do not to melt into a puddle right then and there. He’s right, I do feel something. I feel everything. It’s not about how great the sex was last night, it’s not about this kiss, the way his tongue is caressing mine, it’s not even about how good his hands feel on me. It’s about so much more. But out here in the depths of nature, I feel wild, and it’s me that takes the kiss up a level.

Before I know it, my back is against a tree, my fingers find their way into his hair, and his hands are pushing down the leggings I’m dressed in. It’s frantic, desperation from us both as he turns me and slides into me from behind with one hard, upward thrust.

There’s no way I can resist this man, his touch is like pure ecstasy, a balm to my love-starved soul. If he’d come after me last night, we’d have curled up together, if he’d turned up the day after I left two years ago, I’d have been back in his house, our home, in an instant. But it’s been far too long, so many things left unsaid, but maybe, if we talked, got to know each other again, and if he didn’t hate me when I’m done explaining, we could find our way back. Because what we had was more than I’ve known before, and there’s been no-one since, because in my heart, I’ve always known it, James Knight is my home.