Chapter 10

Paisley

Flora’s mad at me. She tried not to be, but she is. And I can’t blame her.

I didn’t come home last night, and apparently everyone’s been a bit frantic. I really didn’t mean to worry anyone, though. And now I’m on what feels like my six millionth apology of the hour.

I haven’t even had time to figure out why Jack started all the panic, why he was racing all over town trying to find me, I just know that amid all her ranting, Flora said he’d raised the alarm. And now I’m back in possession of my phone, there’s a heap of missed calls from him, a couple of voicemails, and a load of text messages that grow steadily in their level of worry. But none explain a thing. And now he’s not answering his phone.

Though being fair, I’ve only had time to call him twice. And send one text. A simple ‘I’m sorry’ was all I could manage while Flora got off the station at crazy town and has spent almost the entire time since I walked in the door either screaming, pacing in eerie silence, or crying about how she thought she’d lost me and I’d miss her wedding. So, all my focus has had to shift to her. I’ll have to deal with everything else later, Jack included, because right now, it’s time to get my little sister down that aisle.

****

The wedding went off without a hitch. Flora forgave me for my disappearing act the second she got into her wedding dress, the limo she was expecting was actually a horse-drawn carriage, a surprise arranged by Elliot as he knew it was her dream, and the ceremony was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. So many family and friends there to support my baby sister, all wanting nothing but the best for her, wishing her every happiness, and knowing that after what happened all those years ago, she deserves this happily ever after.

And now I finally get to talk to Jack. There have been looks between us, silent glances as we stood behind Flora and Elliott as they said their vows, but there wasn’t the time, not then. All I could do was admire how handsome he looked in his suit, that bit of hair that never could be tamed, still wild and escaping into a curl on his forehead, those eyes so full of affection as he watched on with a smile.

He’s not smiling as I approach him at the bar, though. He’s frowning, puffing out his cheeks as he runs a hand over the back of his neck.

“I’m so, so—”

I don’t get a chance to finish my sentence before he pulls me into his arms and I’m crushed against his chest.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again. I was worried sick,” he says, lips next to my ear, voice shaky. “I thought I lost you, and I can’t lose you Pais, I can’t.”

Manoeuvring enough to speak, I look up. “I’m sorry. I went up to our spot and the next thing I knew, it was morning. I didn’t even pick up my phone on the way out the house, was in such a rush to get to you, and then the day got away from me and—”

“You went to our spot?” he asks, hands slipping down to take mine. “The one place I didn’t look, thought it wouldn’t hold anything for you now.”

“I just needed a moment, and it’s where I used to go when I needed to find a little happiness, after…”

“After you lost your dad.”

“Yeah. And you.”

He holds me tight again. “You never lost me, Pais, I promise you that.”

“It felt like it. You pulled away, weren’t there, after that night we never saw each other, weeks went past and although you’d message, ask how I was, how Flora was, we never met up, you always had an excuse not to come.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I needed you Jack, more than anyone. You were my everything back then, I just wanted you to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay.”

He wipes a tear from my cheek, then from his own, both of us lost to emotions from ten years ago.

“Come on,” he says. “I think I owe you that explanation, lets step outside.”

“I don’t care about it anymore. It doesn’t matter. What matters is here and now and how I feel, how I’ve always felt.”

He steers me through the double doors to our right, along a short path, and eventually through an iron gate. It’s a walled garden, secluded and private, spring flowers making the place erupt with colour. It’s breathtaking.

“You say you don’t care,” he begins, toe digging into the gravel path. “But I do, because you don’t know everything, and I need you to know. I never stopped loving you Pais, not back then, not in the ten years since, and not now. So I need you to know why I pulled away—”

“It honestly doesn’t matter,” I interrupt, wanting to stay in the moment where he’s just said he loves me, wanting to get back to that so I can tell him I love him too. “Because I did it too. You were right, as soon as Flora came out of the coma, as soon as she was going to be okay, I left, I ran. All because I couldn’t cope with everything that went on here, with losing my dad in that crash, nearly losing Flora, you becoming distant. And I didn’t stop once to think how that would make anyone feel. I left my mum and my baby sister to deal with everything, I wasn’t even there to hold their hands at the funeral.”

“You were there, though.”

His words almost stop my breathing. “You knew?”

“I knew you wouldn’t miss it. You were a daddy’s girl, there’s no way you’d not say goodbye. I hung back after the service, waited, watched you sob at his graveside, and still I kept away. I should have held you right then and never let you go.”

“You could hold me now,” I say, voice a whisper. “You don’t have to let me go.”

“I never intend to let you go again, but I need to explain first. You think you don’t need to hear it, but it might change how you feel, and I can’t live the rest of my life not having told you. I don’t want any secrets between us.”

The tears running down his face, the fear in his eyes, the way he’s barely getting words out – he’s in pain, real pain.

“Okay,” I say hesitantly.

He paces away, hands running through his hair. “Fuck, I’ve wanted to tell you this for so long, imagined it in my head, and now, I can’t find the words, don’t know where to start.”

I go to him, take his hand and squeeze it gently. “Just talk, it doesn’t matter what you say, how it comes out, we’ll figure it out.”

He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes for a moment. “That night, the night that arsehole took things too far…”

“Jack… I don’t like to—”

“I know, you hate talking about it, and I get it, but baby, I need you to know some things.”

There’s an unspoken rule that people don’t mention this around me. Whether they talk about it, I don’t know. But me, I can’t. I know what happened that night. The night some creep went from stalker to kidnapper. The night he escalated from sending Flora online messages and posting notes through our door to getting into the car with her and my dad at a petrol station, telling my dad to drive or he’d kill them both, held a knife to his throat.

She was fourteen, and he was some boy she’d met online. Or so she thought. She saw red flags though, told our parents. Turns out fifteen-year-old-Bryan was actually a thirty-six-year-old man who’d seen her coming out of school one day, taken a fancy to her, become obsessed.

Except the police couldn’t find any evidence, couldn’t figure out who he was. He was smart, like genius level smart, somehow managed to cover his tracks every time. Until he wanted more. Until he got tired of just stalking.

“Pais, you with me?”

Jack’s voice cuts through the pain filled haze, his hand rubbing my back slowly.

“Yeah, I just…”

“I know baby, I know. Just listen, okay? I’ll be as quick as I can, and then you can tell me to leave, or you can walk away, or we deal with it, but it’s important you know why I pulled away back then.”

I can only nod my agreement as my heart thumps wildly, my chest tightens, and I fight for breath.

“After your dad swerved—”

My legs buckle beneath me. “Jack, no. Please.”

“Baby, let’s sit down,” he says, and I find myself guided to a stone bench a few feet away. “After … after your dad tried to save Flora, and you know that’s why he did it, Flora told you, right before he jerked that car across the road, he told her to hold on tight, he was a fucking hero, baby.”

“He was,” I sob, barely able to take in breath hearing what he did to save Flora, but that ultimately ended his own life.

“After that, when that bastard escaped the wreckage, he got himself to a house not far away, threatened an old man who was putting the bins out. Made him take him inside and got the old man’s wife to patch him up.”

“How … how do you know this?”

“Because it was my granddad at those bins, my gran cleaned his wounds. At knifepoint.”

“Fuck. Jack.”

“The reason I didn’t answer when you called that night, why I didn’t come to the hospital … I was already there. The stress, or shock, or whatever, it caused Grandad to have a heart attack. He was dying while she tended to that bastard’s injuries, wouldn’t even let her go to him. He barely made it to the hospital, hung on just long enough, died in Gran’s arms minutes after they brought him in.”

Everything spins. Jack was there. I was there. Both of us lost people that night. And all these years, I never knew what he went through.

But how did I not know? I know I avoided the news back then, still do, know that if you put our family’s name into Google, the first thing that comes up is that story, that man. And I couldn’t bear to see his face splashed all over my screen, pushed it away, closed down my social media, withdrew from my life. But someone must have known, could have told me.

“How did I not hear about this? Flora lives here, how did she not know? It must have been on the news, something… I don’t understand.”

“It was, but we kept Granddad’s name anonymous. Flora knows a man died that night, was killed, but she doesn’t know who. And she was a child, never had to appear in court, there was enough CCTV evidence and the petrol attendant to support her story anyway, there was no way she was finding out.”

I throw myself at him, arms around him in a heartbeat. “I’m so sorry I brought that man into your life. I was so selfish, just saw me and what happened to my family, but you were hurting too.”

“And that’s it, Pais, that’s partly why I didn’t tell you, I knew you’d blame yourself, that Flora would blame herself. Neither of you brought him into our lives. It was all him, it was that disgusting bastard who did this.”

I’m shaking uncontrollably, barely able to get words out, but Jack needs my comfort right now, and he should have had it back then, too. We should have been there for each other, got through this together. And ten years ago, he probably needed me more than I ever needed him. I had people around me, mum, extended family, a town full of people who came out for Flora, for me and mum. Jack was raised by his grandparents, never knew his dad, hasn’t seen his mum since he was six, no family locally. He was essentially alone with his secret.

“You said partly, what was the other part, why else didn’t you tell me?”

He looks up, face contorting. “She fixed him. My gran. He lucked out when he chose my granddad, because when he did, he got a nurse, too. One who cleaned him up, stopped bleeding that might have slowed him down, got him caught. And that meant that for the six months he was still out there, the six months it took the police to find him and lock him up, Flora never felt safe, your whole family were looking over their shoulder. And I didn’t want you to blame my gran. She’d lost enough. And she loved you, I didn’t want you to hate her, for her to lose you too.”

He’s carried so much for so long. “Jack, I wouldn’t have hated her, wouldn’t have blamed her. She was put in an impossible situation. I’m so, so sorry.”

“I’m sorry. I let you down that night, let everyone down. I wasn’t home with them, was out getting drunk with Elliott. If I’d been there—”

“If you’d been there, I could have lost you too. And I wouldn’t be sitting here with the man I love.”

“You love me?”

“Jack, I never stopped loving you. I won’t ever stop loving you.”

“Even after I kept all this from you?”

He did it for a reason, though. He sacrificed his own happiness with me to ensure Flora felt no guilt, to protect me, my family.

“You know what I see? I see a man who put me and my family before himself, who loved not only me, but my family too.”

“I don’t want Flora to ever know. I just don’t. Elliot knows, but he’ll take it to his grave. I don’t want her to have even one second of guilt. Since her and Elliott started dating, I’ve gotten to know her even more than when you and I were together, I’ve gotten to know grown up Flora, and she talks about that night, and I see how she still struggles. I’ve heard her blame herself for your dad’s death, for bringing that bastard into your lives. I love her like she’s my own baby sister. She’s never going to hurt over this, okay?”

I nod, hold him that little bit tighter. Even now he’s protecting her, will always protect her. And so will I. I see how happy she is today, and I only ever want that for her.

“And I only told you because I want a life with you. I can’t go on living without you anymore, Pais. So, if there’s a chance at all for you and me—”

“Jack Parker, if you don’t get down on one knee within the year, I’ll be disappointed.”

He grins then, the darkness lifted from his eyes. “I don’t need a year. What are you doing tomorrow?”