15. Spencer

CHAPTER 15

SPENCER

I spent my first game back like I'd told Izzy, mostly sidelined. Riding the bench. My leg felt just fine, and I told Coach as much, but he didn't want to hear it. He brushed me aside. A small, spiteful part of me hoped it would be a disaster, that without me to carry them the Ice Bears would founder. But I cheered as loud as anyone when that didn't happen. I ended up getting just five minutes' play, a quick little cameo near the end of the game.

And, yeah, yeah, that's Nash. That's Nash on the ice. He's looking, uh, whoa! He's right in the action! He's got the puck and he's moving, he's— And it's Rodriguez, HE SCORES! That's a nice assist for Nash his first game back, looks like he's still got it, and Rodriguez is on fire.

I scored one more assist in those frantic five minutes, and then I was back warming the bench. My sour mood had sweetened, and I realized I'd been worried. Not that I'd stay benched the rest of the season, but that my magic would somehow be gone. Knocked out of me, maybe, by the blow to the head. But, no, of course not. My magic was Izzy. She was my rabbit's foot, and she was watching at home. Texting me, maybe, to tell me good job .

The game finished up six-two for the Ice Bears, and I ducked Dan's invitation to go out with the team. Izzy had texted to tell me congrats, and that goose from the zoo could eat its heart out.

"What's so funny?" said Dan, trying to peek at my phone.

"Nothing, just?—"

"It's his girlfriend," said Enrique. "What did I say? That's why he's ditching us, to go see his girl."

I rolled my eyes and jammed my phone in my bag. But I didn't deny I was running to see Izzy. She wasn't my girl — that wasn't our deal — but it felt good, in the moment, to think of her that way. Heading home to my girl, who wouldn't want that?

I rolled in to find Izzy hunched over her laptop, working on what looked like a cover letter. Reading over her shoulder, I caught words like self-starter, motivated, experienced. Good fit for your team . When she heard me behind her, she looked up. She smiled, closed her laptop, and pushed it away.

"Great game," she said. "You were on fire out there."

"For all of five minutes." I frowned over her shoulder at the lid of her laptop. Who was that letter for? That job in New York? If they hired her, how soon —

"You showed them you're ready. It'll get better from here." She leaned up and kissed me, but just a quick peck. When I tried to hold onto her, she squirmed away. "No, we can't. Leon'll catch us."

"Leon? He's here?" I squinted around.

"He'll be here," said Izzy. "He's on his way. You know that party he had?"

I shrugged. "I guess so."

"Well, the place burned down, so they canceled last-minute. He has all this free food, and he's bringing it home."

I tried to hide my disappointment, but it must've showed through. Izzy made a pouting face and tousled my hair.

"It's all right," she said. "We'll celebrate tomorrow. Tonight, I think Leon wants roommate night."

It had been a while since we'd done one of those, the three of us together like back in college. Life had got so busy with all our jobs, Leon's new girlfriend — was that still a thing?

Leon burst in as though summoned by the sound of his name, staggering down the front hall laden with trays. We both rushed to help him, but Izzy got there first. She caught a landslide of platters before they could fall, and Leon jerked his head back toward the front door.

"There's more in my van," he said. "Leftovers forever ."

I went out to investigate, and he wasn't kidding. The back of his van was overflowing with food. I gathered it up and tottered inside, and Izzy and Leon ran up to help.

"You didn't have to grab all of it."

"Men with the groceries, what did I tell you?" Izzy smacked me lightly across my bicep. "They don't revoke your man card for taking two trips."

I grunted. "Yeah, they do."

"Ugh, give me those." Leon grabbed a few trays and we made our way to the kitchen. It took a full twenty minutes to unpack the goodies, then pack them in Tupperware and stow them in the freezer. We left enough out for ourselves to pig out on, and Leon had picked up a nice case of beer. He laid everything out on the coffee table, and we all swooped in like ducks on a bread crust.

"What are these?" said Izzy, biting into an hors d'oeuvre. Her eyes did that flutter thing they did sometimes, in bed. " Mm , these are good. I could eat a million."

"Brie and fig crostini," said Leon.

I tried one myself and felt myself melting, and stretched out my foot to bump Leon's ankle. "Hey, they still casting for that show you're on?"

He cocked a brow at me. "What, you retiring? Is that your next chapter, reality stardom?"

I kicked him again, harder this time. "Retiring, screw you. No, trust me, come on. Get me into that wedding, like a cameo. Trust me, I'll be great. I'll put on a show. I'll?—"

"Eat all the treats while the guests aren't looking?"

I grabbed another crostini. "You need a villain."

Izzy threw a crab puff at me. Leon kicked me away.

"I bring you into that wedding, I'll be the villain. And not in a good way, so I'm going to say no."

I pulled a sour face at him. He and Izzy both laughed. She jostled up against him, shoulders bumping together.

"So, we've been dying to ask you, how's things with Delores?"

Leon leaned back, smiling. "Amazing. The best." He had a look on his face like when Izzy bit that hors d'oeuvre, absolute bliss. My throat went tight. I should've been happy for him, and I was , but I was something else, too. I was… jealous? Pissed off? I couldn't quite place it, that ache in my chest. It felt almost like loss, something gone from my life. I glanced over at Izzy and she tipped me a wink. My heart did a twisty thing deep in my chest.

"I'm in love," Leon said. "Like I've met my best friend. Like I've known her forever, but it's still somehow new. I swear, every day with her, I can't even tell you…"

Then don't. Shut your pie hole. You're in love. We get it.

I crammed a tart in my mouth to hide my pinched face. The crust was all flaky and it tickled my throat. I coughed crumbs down my shirt. Izzy patted my back. Leon passed me a beer and I took a long swig. By the time I'd finished, he was back on his bullshit. No, not on his bullshit. His happiness. What the hell was wrong with me, I couldn't let him enjoy it?

"She's so smart," he said. "And such a kind person. But the best part for me is how right it all feels, how easy, how natural. There's nothing I can't tell her. Nothing I'd hide."

Izzy was still absently stroking my back. Nothing I can't tell her, that was true for us too. Always had been, since the first time we'd met. She had something about her, this warmth, this light, made me feel like I'd found someone I could be myself with. Had I ever held back with her? Kept any secrets?

"My dad always called my mom his best friend." Leon smiled happily, his face all aglow. "I always thought if I could find that, that deep, lasting bond?—"

I leaned up against Izzy, wanting her closer. She was my best friend, had been for years. Even when I'd left town to play for the Flames, we'd never lost touch, never lost that connection. She'd never stopped texting before every game, never stopped watching and cheering me on. I'd done the same thing in my own way, egging her on to go for her first job. Sending her flowers when she got a promotion. Calling her up when I heard a good joke, because if I called her, I could hear her laugh.

It hit me right then I was holding back. I had been a while, maybe right from the start. I'd never told Izzy what she meant to me, how much brighter my life was because she was in it.

"I'm in love," sighed Leon.

My heart did a backflip. It was like he'd stolen the truth right out of my head, the truth I'd been hiding even from myself. I had something with Izzy, more than just friendship. More than just benefits, more than just fun. Something, I thought, maybe it could be love. If we took the brakes off, if we let it grow?—

"Dessert," said Leon. "We need dessert."

He bounced up off the couch and made for the kitchen. Izzy took the last crab puff and popped it in her mouth. I watched her eat it, my stomach in knots. Now was my chance to— to ask her to stay? I tried it out in my head, testing how I'd say it.

Hey, Izzy? I was thinking, we've been friends a while. And now we're more than friends, and I think you should stay. I think we should try this, and— and… I think we could be something. I think we could ? —

"What?"

I jumped. I'd been staring. Now I was caught.

"Nothing," I said. "Just, I was thinking…"

"Hold on. Let me take this." Izzy reached for her phone, and I saw it was buzzing. She picked it up, scowling, and got to her feet.

"Yeah, Jim, I know. Yeah. Yeah, I saw it." She started to pace, her knuckles whitening where she gripped her phone. I watched her, heart pounding, and willed Jim to fuck off . Couldn't he see this was my shot, not his time to kvetch? She was off the clock, so where did he get the nerve?

"I know ," said Izzy. "If you look at my notes?—"

Jim cut her off sharply, loud enough that I could hear. Izzy made a face at me, her tongue dangling out. She made a blah, blah, blah gesture with her free hand. I laughed, but I realized I was strangling a cushion, squeezing it so hard the stuffing bulged out. I set it aside and took a deep breath.

"All right," said Izzy. "I'll be right there. But they're right in my desk, if you'd… Fine. Fine, I'm coming." She hung up her phone and let it drop to the couch. She dropped down after it, exhaling on a curse.

"Sorry," she said. "I've got to run out."

I frowned. "Do you really? This feels like his problem."

She sighed. "Yeah, I know. But, teamwork, right?" Her whole body sagged, and she shook her head. "The sooner I ditch this job, the better I'll be. But I'll need a good reference, so off I go."

I reached for her. "Wait."

"Is there sauce on my shirt?" She looked down at herself and brushed at her front. "The partners won't be there, but?—"

"It isn't that." I sucked another deep breath and summoned my courage, but the look on her face said now wasn't the time. She was stressed. Distracted. In no mood to hear it. But later, tomorrow, when Leon was out… "Good luck," I said, and pulled her in for a hug. I wanted far more than that, a kiss, a dozen, but Izzy was already pulling away.

"Thank you," she said. "Save me some dessert."

And then she was gone, and my whole chest felt hollow, even knowing she'd be back in an hour or two max.

I couldn't, could not , let her go to New York.