29. Kayla

CHAPTER 29

KAYLA

I feel like I've just been stabbed in the heart. I knew this was a possibility, but actually living through it is worse than I imagined.

Tears form in my eyes. I don't want to be crying in front of anyone. I keep my head down and try to avoid people's eyes as I make my way into the house. Everyone seems occupied with the activities we have set up.

I make it to my room unnoticed and retouch my makeup to hide the fact that I've been crying.

Ash walking off is a punch to the gut. The wave of relief I felt at telling him is immediately replaced by intense sadness. I didn't want to admit it, but I had a tiny flicker of hope. I hoped he would fight for me and fight for our baby. It was stupid to hope. All it's causing me is pain.

I catch a whiff of his cologne on me. Damn my heightened senses. I sigh. He still makes my heart flutter and my knees weak. It's infuriating.

I try to put myself in his position. He hooked up with a girl he barely knew, and now she's pregnant. He has a successful career as a hockey player. He has a life in a different city. He has endless possibilities for his future.

I can't blame him for just leaving. It's a lot to take in.

I don't know what I want the outcome to be. I don't know if I want him to stay here and raise the child with me. Of course, I would love to be with him and have a partner in all of this. But I would feel guilty for pulling him away from hockey. I just hope he heard me when I said I don't want him to resent me. I want him to make the best decision for him .

Before me, Ash was a playboy hockey player. I have no delusions about him changing his ways. If anything, I'm certain he's going to go home and pretend this isn't happening.

If he does decide he wanted to help raise the child, I must face reality. It probably won't be some fairy-tale happily ever after. We will probably co-parent.

If we did decide to have a go at a relationship, who's to say it would work? We haven't known each other that long. We could drive each other crazy.

Sometimes, I get lost in the idea of something when I need to focus on the reality of the situation. This is one of those times.

I've thought long and hard about being a single parent, and I'm okay with it. I know I have a good support system around me. I've always wanted to have kids. I had a very clear idea in my mind of when that would be and how it would happen. I'm realizing that life is unpredictable, and you can't plan for every twist and turn.

This is a blessing in disguise, and I'm excited for my future. I'm excited to bring life into the world.

There are still a lot of unknowns. There's our unstable financial situation. There's learning everything about pregnancy, birth, and raising a child. I feel wildly unprepared. I've been reading a few books, but I get overwhelmed or anxious and put them down.

We've got to organize a nursery, a baby shower, all the things that babies need… It's overwhelming.

I take a deep breath. I just need to take this one step at a time. I've told Ash. That's one thing off my to-do list. I still have to tell my dad and Izzy and everyone else, but right now, I need to focus on the fundraiser. I make my way back outside and plaster a smile on my face.

It seems like the whole town is here — plus a lot of faces I don't recognize. They must be the people Jack invited.

We managed to snag a bunch of stalls from the festival. Luckily, they're the ones that run themselves. All we had to do was flip the switches.

Izzy is flitting from one to another making sure they're all running smoothly. I've got Jim, the local handyman and electrician, on standby. He helped set this all up yesterday.

I walk over to the silent auction to see how it's going. There are a lot of bids on all the items. I pause when I see that another item has been added. Dinner with NHL hockey player Ash Northcross.

I recognize Jack's handwriting and frown as I remember that I'm mad at him. He invited Ash here. Then I sigh. I don't know if I'm actually mad at him — my hormones are running wild. I'm swinging back and forth between emotions so fast that I can't keep up.

I know Jack is just looking out for me. He knows how hard it's been for me. He knows it's been weighing on me, Ash not knowing. I'm grateful he got Ash to come. I got to tell him, and now it's done. I can put it behind me and move on with my life.

Izzy bumps my hip, jolting me out of my thoughts. "Wow, a dinner with Ash. Maybe I should bid on it so I can grill him for details." She raises a brow. "What happened between you two?"

I bite my lip. I want to tell her but now is not the time. "Nothing." I rarely keep secrets from Izzy. She knows me better than I know myself. She knows I'll tell her when I'm ready. That won't stop her from pushing for details, though. She's not known for her patience.

I don't know how she'll react. She'll definitely call him an unsavory word for leaving.

My stomach sinks. I know I'll be okay, but a huge part of me is freaking out that he left. It feels like confirmation that it really was just a fling between us.

As much as I know this, my heart doesn't want to believe it. Being near Ash again confirmed all my feelings. I know we have a strong connection; I know it's not just in my head. It doesn't change what it was.

I look at Izzy. I can't tell her yet.

I walk over to the table full of baked goods and start to help Olivia to sell them. She generously donated an assortment of her products as well as her time.

I'm truly grateful for all the people in this town. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Jack comes over to the pastry table. "Wow, looking good today."

Olivia lights up. "Thank you! I spent all night making sure they were perfect."

He smiles at her. "I wasn't talking about the baked goods."

Olivia blushes. I can feel the tension between them. It reminds me of me and Ash. I frown.

Jack notices and excuses us. He leads me over to the barn. Apparently this is where all the serious conversations are taking place today.

"What happened? I saw Ash leave but I was busy before that."

I roll my shoulders back and let out a breath. "He knows. I told him everything — and he left."

Jack brings me in for a hug. Anytime anyone hugs me these days, it makes me want to cry. "I'm relieved he knows," I blurt out. "It's a weight off my shoulders."

Rubbing my back, he says, "You're not alone in this, Kayla. No matter what. I'll be here every step of the way."

I bury my head in his shoulder and my words come out muffled. "Thank you. I'm only going to say this once, but I'm lucky to have a big brother like you."

He lets go of me and pretends to pop an invisible collar. "I knew I'd finally get you to admit I'm the superior sibling."

I swat the air in front of him. "One, I didn't say that. And two, don't get too ahead of yourself — it's the hormones talking."

He smiles. "The hormones don't lie."

I roll my eyes, but I can't stop the smile that spreads across my face. I am lucky to have him. He could be doing anything with his life, and he's choosing to help me. Not a lot of brothers would do that.

I don't want to fluff his ego anymore, though, so I keep that thought to myself.