Spawn

I watched as emotions flitted across her face. I saw them all. There was anger, hurt, worry, sadness, and even a soft expression or two. It was those that gave me hope. I held my breath as long as I could, afraid to even breathe. I hadn’t lied. I knew I loved her. I was a fool not to confess my stupidity the moment she opened her hotel door, but I couldn’t do it. If my stupid mistake in ever thinking such an asinine thing caused me to lose her, I’d cut out my heart because it would be useless.

I don’t know how long she remained silent as she contemplated what I told her. I could hear the thundering beat of my heart in my ears. I found myself praying. God, don’t let her leave me. I’ll do anything if you just make her forgive me and stay. I’ll love her like no other.

I jerked when she spoke. It took me by surprise since I was lost in my prayers. “You hurt me, Spawn. I can’t tell you how much. Thinking I could possibly do that shows you don’t know me at all.”

When she paused, I had to say something. It didn’t sound good for me. “I know I hurt you, and you have no idea how much I wish I could go back and do it differently. Instead of letting my hurt pride dictate what I did, I’d go with my heart. I’d have flown out to see you then, and we’d possibly have this whole thing taken care of, but I can’t change it. I don’t know everything about you, but I know you’d never do that. It was temporary insanity.”

She shook her head, which made me queasy. “No, it means we don’t know each other. Looking back, I know it’s my fault we don’t. You’ve tried over and over to get to know me since the moment we met, and I kept pushing you away. I have this bad habit of not letting people get close to me. It’s a protection mechanism. All I remember after Granny died was being disappointed again and again by the people who were supposed to care for me. It’s a miracle I let Troian in as much as I did, although even with her, it wasn’t all the way.”

“I knew someone had hurt you. I even wondered if you’d been raped at one point before the whole mess with the Gusevs, but I prayed it wasn’t true. I knew you were wary, and I had to take things slow. Earning your trust and love is all I want. How can I do that? Please, I’m begging you, don’t say it’s impossible.”

“I can’t just sweep it under the carpet,” she said, which made bile inch up to the back of my throat. She continued. “But I can agree to us spending time together and getting to know each other. However, what we did earlier can’t happen again. Sex will only cloud the situation. I won’t sleep with you unless I know I can trust you not to hurt me. If you can’t agree to do that, then we’ll stop this now.”

The thought of not being able to touch her, taste her, and ultimately make complete love to her made me cringe inside, but I’d do it if this were the only way to win her. “Okay, I agree. Only don’t get mad if I slip up and give you a kiss now and then. Is hand holding or caring touches permitted? I don’t think I can control those.”

“If you want to hold my hand or place your hands on me in appropriate places, that’s fine. As for kissing, I don’t know. It clouds my mind. Let’s just say you’ll do your best not to.”

Seeing this was the best I could hope for, I nodded. “Agreed. Now, what should we do? It’s getting late. I think we should find Toro and get ourselves and him fed some dinner. Tomorrow, we’ll meet with the rest of the club. I have a lot to do until Christmas. Our flight back is the day after. Hopefully, I’ll find him by then, and we can figure out what’s to be done with him.”

“Sounds like a plan. Let’s go find my dog, and if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know. I don’t like being idle or feeling useless.”

I sat up when she did. “You’re never useless to me. The online research I’m doing isn’t something you can help me with, but I do have something you can do. I have several gifts I need wrapped for Christmas. It’s mainly things for the kids and small things for the old ladies. Would you mind wrapping them for me? When I do it, it looks like a toddler did it.”

She smiled. “I’d love to do them. I can’t wait to see what you got. Which reminds me, it’s only a couple of days until Christmas. I have to do some shopping. While you work, I’ll go to town tomorrow and shop.”

“Babe, you don’t need to buy anyone anything. The kids will get plenty of stuff, believe me.”

“Regardless, I want to. Okay, let me wash my face and comb my hair, then we can go get Toro and find food. I’m starving,” she said firmly. I didn’t argue. As we got up, I thanked my lucky stars she was willing to try.