Chapter 24

Luca tugged at his shirt cuffs, licking his lips as he waited for the door to open. He felt guilty, there were no two ways about it. Jonathan had been away. In London for work, then abroad for — something. Away from Love’s Harbour, out of sight, out of mind. Short, bland texts had been sent in response to Jonathan’s. It was no way to treat the friend he claimed so vehemently the man was.

A friend. Luca’s fingers found his cuffs again, before twisting the cufflinks. Jonathan was a friend and he hoped he would remain one, whatever Adrian might think about it. And now here he was, to make the blurred line between friendship and anything else solid and uncrossable. It was the right thing to do, the principled thing, even if it did tie his guts into knots. He rang the bell again. Maybe Jonathan wasn’t home? Half relieved, half disappointed, Luca turned to leave just as the door flung open.

Jonathan beamed at him from the doorway. “Luca! I was hoping you’d call round. Come in.”

Acid gurgled in Luca’s stomach as he followed him through to the kitchen at the back of the house.

He’d faced much worse things in his life, but ever since he’d got Jonathan’s text to say he was home, which he’d answered with only a thumbs up, he’d been a bag of nerves. The bright welcome would soon fade once he’d told Jonathan why he was calling.

“I’m so glad to be home, I really have been away for far too long.” Jonathan smiled and stepped in close. Luca moved back to deflect the kiss that was aimed for his cheek, but which today would be too much. Jonathan stopped, his brow furrowing for a moment before the smile was back in place, a smile that did nothing to mask the question in his eyes.

The acid in Luca’s stomach felt like it was dissolving his intestines. Fucking hell, how had he ever thought this was going to be an easy, civilised conversation?

“I’ll get some coffee on. I’ve just finished an infernal conference call with the London office that’s taken all morning. Honestly, I am that close to stepping back. This damn consultancy role takes up more of my time than when I owned the bloody business. I’m back in London for three days out of seven. This wasn’t how my so called consultancy was supposed to pan out. I was going to call you?—”

“No coffee for me, Jonathan. I can’t stay too long.” Luca jumped in when Jonathan drew a breath.

“Oh, that’s a shame. It’s almost lunch time, and I was hoping you’d stay…” He leant back against the kitchen counter. “Is there anything the matter? Because I’m getting the distinct impression this isn’t merely a social call.”

Luca’s stomach lurched. You can say that again… But what he had to say couldn’t not be said, for his own sake, for Adrian’s, but most of all for Jonathan’s.

“Look, just come and sit down for a moment. Please. There’s something I need to tell you.” Luca looked at the table, but Jonathan didn’t move from the coffee machine on the counter.

“You need to tell me something? Something I’m not going to be happy about, perhaps?” Jonathan crossed his arms over his chest.

He’s guessed, he knows why I’m here…Shouldn’t that make what he was about to say easier rather than harder?

“I’m sorry. This wasn’t something I was prepared to say over the phone, and it was something you needed to hear from me, not somebody else.”

Luca sucked in a long breath. God alone knew, he’d had so many break ups over the years, but they never got any easier. And this was a break up, of a sort, because Jonathan’s tight lips and the pain in his eyes told him everything that just made him feel worse.

“Somebody. Else. They’re the two key words, aren’t they?”

“Jonathan, please come and sit down.”

“I really don’t feel like sitting down, thank you.” Jonathan’s arms tightened over his chest. “So, this is a Dear John, is it?”

“What? No, it’s not like that.” A Dear John, the rejection of a lover. But they weren’t lovers, never had been, because a couple or so unsatisfying, unmemorable… But they weren’t words he could sling Jonathan’s way.

“We were never serious. Not in the way you’re thinking. We agreed from the start that we wouldn’t get involved?—”

“I wanted us to be involved, Luca. It was never casual and uninvolved. Not for me.”

Luca jerked back, the vehemence in Jonathan’s voice a hard slap landing on his cheek.

“When you said you didn’t wish to pursue an intimate relationship…”

Sex, I said I didn’t want sex.At least not with Jonathan. Nervous laughter bubbled up inside Luca. Jesus, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. How could he have been so blind?

“I realised you were keen, Jonathan, of course I did, which is why?—”

“Keen? How perceptive of you. For an intelligent man, you’re making yourself sound rather stupid. When you rejected?—”

“Jonathan, please?—“

“When you rejected me,” Jonathan said, his words like his stare drilling into Luca, “I felt humiliated and, yes, inadequate when you told me you didn’t want that aspect of our relationship. Did you ever stop to think about that?”

“I—I’m sorry. I never meant to do that, to make you feel like that. You have to believe me. The intimacy…” Intimacy. The word tasted wrong in his mouth, because intimacy was about so much more than sex.

Adrian, unbidden, flashed into his head, his dark smirk seeming to see into the heart of him. Luca jumped as Jonathan launched himself at the table, dragging out a chair and falling into it.

“But I could accept it. Because I made myself accept it. I didn’t like it, it tore me up inside, but I was willing to go along with it because it was worth it to be with you.” Jonathan clutched at Luca’s hands, squeezing hard. “You needed time, that was all, and I was and still am willing to give you all the time you need. Luca, we’re good together. Don’t you see that? I’ll take it as slow as you want.”

“Jonathan, please.” Luca tried to pull his hand free, but Jonathan’s grip was a vice. “Didn’t I also say that my time in Love’s Harbour was limited? That I’d be moving on?” Luca’s stomach flipped. He had said that, and every word of it had been true. Then, but not now. He was staying, but not for the man clutching his hands as hard as he clutched at straws.

“Yes, you did tell me. But I thought, hoped, prayed, believed you’d change your mind. Or if you did move to another job, we could be long distance. Not ideal, but I’d have accepted it. Because as I got to know you, it all changed for me. I’m… very fond of you, Luca. Very fond. I believe we’re not only good for each other, but good for?—”

“No. Jonathan, just listen to me. Us becoming a couple, a real couple, it wasn’t something I was looking for. I was always upfront about the two of us. If I ever gave you any other impression then I’m sorry.” He pulled his hands free from Jonathan’s. “I never meant to hurt you?—”

“You didn’t want to hurt me?” Jonathan sneered. “Well, that’s good of you, Luca. Very good indeed. But let’s get to the crux of it, shall we? Why don’t you tell me, exactly, why you’re here? What is it you need to tell me? Why don’t you spell it out in words this idiot can understand, because I don’t believe you’ve told me the actual reason for your visit.”

Jonathan leant back in his chair. The man who’d always looked at Luca with a smile on his lips and hope in his eyes wasn’t looking at him like that now.

“I’m here because there’s something I feel you have a right to know, and I wanted to be the one to tell you. This is as difficult for me as it is for you.”

Jonathan’s rough laughter filled the kitchen. “Really? I accused you of being stupid earlier, but perhaps you’re just delusional.”

Luca drew in a deep breath. The urge to get up and walk away was strong, but he had to see this through. “I value your friendship and I always have?—”

“Have you now? So magnanimous of you to throw poor Jonathan some breadcrumbs. He can’t have me, but he can have my friendship. Thank you, Luca, for that very generous offer.”

“This isn’t getting us anywhere. I’m sorry. I think perhaps it’s best I go.”

“I think, perhaps, it’s best you tell me why you’re here, don’t you? I apologise if it proves to be a little awkward for you. Who is it, Luca? Tell me who it is you’ve become more than friends with, because I think I’m owed some honesty from you. Not that it’s been much in evidence, it would seem.”

“I’ve never been dishonest with you.” Yet even as he said the words, they rankled inside. Be honest with him…you’re leading him on… Hadn’t both Alex and Adrian said the same thing to him? In trying to keep Jonathan as a friend, he’d sent out all the wrong signals. Jesus, what a fucking, godawful mess he’d made.

Luca swallowed, wetting his dry throat. When he said the name, he was going to say it clearly.

“Adrian. Adrian Hardy.”

Jonathan stared at him, the blood draining from his face. “That farmer?” He whispered. “That rude, ill-tempered, oafish farmer?” Jonathan’s voice rose to a near shout. “You’re turning your back on me for that?”

Luca stiffened. The tight chain of nerves that had made him feel sick broke and fell away, as his own anger began to rise and take its place. Pulling his shoulders back and tilting his chin, he held Jonathan’s angry gaze.

“I’m not turning my back on you, because for me there was never anything to turn my back on. Or not in the way you wanted.” Jonathan flinched, and a spasm of guilt blunted the edge of Luca’s anger. “I like you a lot, Jonathan. I know you don’t believe it, or want to, but it’s true. But as a friend. Not as anything more. Despite today, I hope we can salvage and keep that.”

So fucking trite, it sounded like nothing more than those breadcrumbs Jonathan had accused him of tossing his way. Perhaps he was the fool Jonathan had told him he was. Maybe they couldn’t be friends, not after this, but he meant what he said. Even if they couldn’t achieve that now, in the heat and upset of the moment, maybe they could in time. Luca rubbed his hands down his face. The adrenaline was draining from his blood stream. Tired, shaking and upset, all he wanted to do was go now he’d said what he’d come for.

“Adrian Hardy,” Jonathan whispered, his voice rough and uneven. “Why him, for god’s sake? I don’t understand, Luca. I really don’t. He’s not a man who has any kind of place in your world. He’s so different to you.”

“Yes, he is. And maybe that’s why.”