53 - JASINA

CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

I t's just noise .

Then pain.

Then dust.

I can't hear. My ears are ringing.

I can't move. Something is on top of me.

I can't breathe. The air is nothing but sand.

And then I'm just tired.

So I sleep.

It's a nice sleep. I am a Little Sister living in the dorm. Making pretty dresses, and gathering up new friends, and giggling as we go to gala, after gala, after gala.

I am Chosen again. Top fifty.

Then again. Top twenty-five.

Then again. Top ten.

Number ten, like Gemna. So I will never have to go into that tower.

Even though I know it's not a tower now, it's just a door. Like any other door, really. On one side it is this and on the other it is that. They all work that way.

I never walk through that door.

I fall in love with Finn Scott, who is not the Extraction Master, because his father never died. He's just an apprentice. And we wait, in love, while I serve the god in the tower as a Spark Maiden. I get rich, and marry him, and we have a family.

The Matrons never start a Rebellion to usurp the gods that live on the other side of the Looking Glass.

The Council never rounds up all the Little Sisters so Donal Oslin can eat their spark and open the door to another world.

Nothing explodes and there's no such thing as working trains.

We just… keep going. We go on like we always have.

Living, and laughing, and drinking coffee. Eating pastries, and walking on the sand, and having parties. We live in towers or in the cute, winding, canal-front neighborhoods behind them. We have children that we dote on and spoil.

They grow up. Our girls pledge. Then pledge again.

And it's fine .

One Maiden must die, that's all. Just one.

It's worth it because we get to grow old, we get to die, and it's OK because there's always someone coming up behind us to take the burdens we leave behind.

We live in ignorance and it is nothing but bliss.

"Jasina." Finn is whispering into my ear and for a moment I'm in bed with him. There's a festival down below. People celebrating because it's Choosing Day. And I have been Chosen. "Jasina? Can you hear me?"

But it's not me in bed with him. It's Clara.

She's the one he loves. She's the one in bed with him. She's the Spark Maiden. And he waits for her.

"Jasina? Can you get up?"

I let out a long sigh. Because what's the point? What's the point of any of this?

"I knew you'd be OK."

OK? I don't know what world he's living in right now, but I am not OK. Ceela is dead. She couldn't help us when I came up with the plan to overwhelm the system with spark. It killed Donal. And when I think about it—how his body went stiff and blue light started burning holes where his eyes were—it makes me happy.

"Come on, Jasina. We have to go."

I am pulled to my feet, eyes still closed, because I do not want to open them and see the truth. I've seen enough truth, thank you.

They're all dead.

All those Little Sisters. I mean, maybe one or two survived—but it wasn't Harlow, or Lucindy, or Britley, or Ceela. Ceela died when she didn't push out her spark with Gemna and I. We simply—burned her up. Not as badly as we burned Donal, but the last memory I have of Ceela is of her blackened body still strung up on that circle as the cyan-blue spark coming out of Gemna and me danced against the glass.

She was the first to die, actually. And even though we were falling apart at the end, I would not wish that death of hers on my worst enemy. Harlow, Lucindy, and Britley were in the middle of the line. So when Gemna and I broke the Looking Glass, they were already passed out on the floor.

They're probably still buried there now.

They might stay there forever.

"Jasina! Do you understand what happened? The Extraction Tower blew. We're done here. We need to go! For fuck's sake, pull yourself together!"

This is what makes me open my eyes. Rage courses through me like a disease in my blood and I look at Finn Scott straight on. He's a mess. His face has burns on it, and it's all smudged with dust and ash. His shirt and suit coat are in tatters.

And this startles the anger right out of me.

Then I look down at myself. Half a dress, one slipper, blood all over my legs.

But that's on the outside.

On the inside… on the inside I am… butterflies .

The spark dances under my skin as a shimmering, blue glow.

I look back at Finn feeling more like myself. And when he lets out a breath and smiles, I feel his relief so acutely, I'm conflicted. "You wanted her ."

His smile drops. "What?"

"Clara. She's the one you want, not me."

He places his palms flat on my cheeks, staring at me intently. "Why the hell would I want her ?"

"Why the hell wouldn't you? She was your life. I'm nothing but…" I don't wanna say it, because when I do, it all becomes real. But ignorance isn't really bliss. And anyway, it's time. "I'm nothing but a down-city whore. A sad, substandard replacement for the only woman you ever loved. I am nothing but… the fucking Courtesan ."

He looks confused for a moment. Then he smiles. And then laughs. "You're crazy." He's still holding my face in his hands. "Clara was my worst failure. You, Jasina? You're the only damn thing I've ever done right. I didn't save Clara. I saved you . And as for you being the Courtesan, well… who wouldn't want to be the Courtesan?"

I huff. "She's a whore."

Finn scoffs. "She's not a whore."

"Well, she's not the Godslayer's wife."

"No." He shakes his head. "She's not. She's… she's his choice . Don't you get it? The wife is an obligation. The Courtesan is the true love. The woman he risks everything for. The woman who has his heart. And even though I never got the whole story, I'm like… absolutely fuckin' sure that the Courtesan takes notes. So when her man fucks up, and boy, he fucks up a lot, she can save him back."

"My notes!"

He pulls a notebook out of the waistband of his tattered pants and holds it up. "I saw this falling out of your dress while I was carrying you." Then he does a mock scoff. "I can't believe you left me to die."

I plant my hands on my hips, suddenly angry again. "You called me Clara ."

"When?"

I make big eyes at him. "When? During sex."

"I didn't."

"You did."

"And that's why you left me to die?"

I tilt my chin up, ready for a fight. "Yes. That's why."

"Because I mixed you up with the woman I failed?"

"Are you trying to imply it was guilt? Because it's just… it's not gonna work."

"I'm sorry. OK? I'm sorry. I can't change that. But I promise, it was the last of her. I don't wanna find Clara, even though I think I could. If there's one door, there's another. I think that's the moral of this story. She's out there, kissing a man who isn't me?—"

"So you settled . For me."

"I didn't settle. I chose you, Jasina. You and I spent our last night in Tau City together because I chose you. And I chose you because you were the one I trusted. Even though I could've confided in Mitch and I could've figured it all out so much quicker. And had I done that, I'd be in that other world right now and you'd probably be dead. Or worse, in the hands of an evil teenager who thinks he's a god. But it's more than that now. I need you. It's us against them. And there's nothing you can do that will change it. We're destiny, Jasina. You're my future and our love is destiny."

I don't know what to say about this declaration. And while the conflict is swirling up inside me like a turbulent river, Finn Scott uses my confusion as an opportunity to kiss me.

It's a long, slow kiss. And the whole time he's whispering, "I choose you. You're the only thing I've done right. We will not fail. Because we are the Godslayer and his Courtesan."

When he pulls away, I'm smiling. I look like shit, I feel like shit, and the spark inside me is doing shit I don't understand, but… I still smile.

Because maybe we are?

Maybe we're destiny?

And while I had imagined my name written up in a history book and not a child's fairy tale, it's still in print, right?

It feels like a win.

I allow Finn to lead me out of the rubble. This is when I notice we're in some kind of tunnel. There's even a train here. Of course, it's been crushed by rocks and debris from the Extraction Tower explosion, and doesn't look anything like how I imagined it. It's sleek, and white, and… very out of place.

But it's a train and we made it.

Finn stops to look at it, then turns to me. "Obviously this one no longer runs and we'll have to walk to the next station, but if you can't walk, Jasina, don't worry. I'll carry you."

And that's it, I guess.

He wins.

Because if I can't walk, he'll carry me.