44 - JASINA

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

I t's not… lovemaking .

It's certainly not love .

He even calls me Clara, at one point.

I do realize this is wrong. Not because he loves Clara and I'm nothing but a poor substitute. It's actually got nothing to do with Finn.

It's about me.

I'm the problem here. Because I'm the one giving him permission to treat me this way. Just like I gave Donal permission to call me names and assume he could take advantage of me. It's like… a vibe I'm sending off. And deep down I understand that it's due to some… craving I have? For love, or attention, or… something? Something missing. A father, a mother, anyone who actually cared about me while I was growing up aside from my Matron aunt and rebellious friends.

I have a father and I have a mother. But did they pay any attention to me? Honestly, I can't say either way. They paid about as much attention to me as I did to them. Which amounts to about zero after the age of twelve when I pledged myself, not only to the god in the tower, but to the Rebellion.

Finn does whatever he wants with me as the rumbling of the crowd down below lessens, then stops completely. He puts me on my knees, he bends me over the couch, he pulls my hair.

And I can't even complain. Not really. Because it feels good. It doesn't matter if he's thinking of Clara while he's fucking me. It really doesn't. Because I don't love him, either. I don't even like him.

I just want his attention.

I just crave his touch.

But I could substitute anyone for him, really. Even Donal, if he was all I had. Even Mitch. That's why those down-city girls do it. They want the money, sure. But they want the attention too. It's a sickness for girls like me. Girls who lift our skirts up anytime someone so much as looks my way.

My auntie was right. Donal was right. I'm a slut.

The thing is, I don't care. I don't care about any of that . I care about the history books. I want people to know who I was. I want them to say my name a hundred years from now. I want them to turn my tale into something bigger than life.

Jasina Bell—the young rebel who found the Looking Glass.

Not only that, I found the message that Auntie was looking for. I'm sure Aldo was picturing Finn alone while he watched the message. He certainly wasn't picturing a particular red-haired rebel. But I was there. I heard everything. While Finn was shutting down, in shock, and unable to process the information spilling out of Aldo's mouth up on the wall, I was taking notes.

I wrote it all down so I don't forget? Sure. Fine. It's a good reminder.

But that's not why I wrote it down. I wrote it down so there would be a record of this night. So that Aldo's message would be preserved for all eternity.

Leave the tower.

Blow it up (already in progress).

Get on the train and go down the line.

There were also a few warnings. When leaving the tower by the secret staircase that leads under the god's tower, keep going and do not stop no matter what you see. Which is a bit creepy. And concerning. Is there a monster down there?

But the weirdest thing was the second caution. Do not talk to your mother .

Not my mother, of course. Finn's mother.

This is when I remember Finn telling me that his mother had joined a cult. Which, obviously, is the Matrons. So while this caution was not meant for me, it's very helpful. Because it means I should not talk to my auntie. I will never tell her about this message from Aldo. Ever.

I had some reservations about destroying the Looking Glass. Before the countdown, at least. My first impulse was… no. No way. I'm not destroying the Looking Glass! That's my legacy. But then I realized that this has been my goal all along. Because my goal was to free the people of Tau City. And if this Looking Glass is destroyed, there will be no more Extractions.

Mission accomplished.

Anyway, that's not even the point. The countdown has begun. Aldo didn't take any chances that we might be swayed over to the dark side, so to speak. The end of the message was the trigger. Whether we want this Looking Glass to blow or not, it's goin' up.

There has been a shift in my perception here. In my view of my place in history.

As Finn fucks me, I think about this, warming to the idea.

And there is a bigger, better way to go down in history.

The Glassbreaker?

Not as catchy as the Godslayer, but it'll do.

When Finn's done with me, he slaps my ass and falls into the couch cushions. Closing his eyes as he smiles his way into sleep like his father didn't just give him a directive. Like he couldn't care less. Like ending tyranny and slavery just aren't on his list of things to do today.

I straighten my gown. Finn started ripping it off me at one point, so it's practically a miniskirt right now. Then I walk over to the desk and pick up my notepad.

I read my succinct summary of what Aldo Scott told his son to do. Then I look over my shoulder at a passed-out Finn and decide… he doesn't really deserve this honor.

The countdown for this Looking Glass has already begin. I couldn't stop its destruction, even if I tried. Aldo Scott set the Looking Glass up to play a single message for Finn. Just the one, just the one time through. That's all he wanted him to know about the room. That's the only information he gave up.

However… my gaze darts to the bookshelf on the right side of the room. An exact replica of the one on the left side of the room. Which is the one that leads to the Little Sister dorm.

I'm slightly ashamed that I didn't notice it immediately because it's so obvious that if one bookshelf was a hidden door, might the other one be too?

Of course, this one leads to the tower. Which leads to the tunnels. Which leads to the trains. Which leads to… outside. Places that are not Tau City.

This is Finn's mission. Leave here and repeat this act in every city where the train stops.

I take one more look at Finn, sleeping soundly on the couch. So satiated and satisfied.

And I decide that he deserves to die. If he is this apathetic. If he is this shallow. If he is this unconcerned that the tower he's sleeping in is going to explode in just a few hours, then fuck him.

Let him die.

I tuck the notebook securely into the bodice of my dress and have only one regret as I open the bookcase and slip inside and onto the landing of a dark staircase. I wish I had boots. Because silk slippers are really not the most appropriate footwear for the end of the world as I know it.

But a girl plays the hand she is dealt, and honestly, who could've predicted the twist this night took?

I focus my attention away from my shoes and back where it belongs. The stairwell. When I descend, I notice that no nightlights pop on to help guide my way. In fact, there are no lights at all. Just a faint glow from the room beyond the bookshelf door.

For a moment I wonder if maybe I should go into this new life more prepared. Pack a sack or something. Find those boots, though where I would get boots at this hour— oh, for fuck's sake, Jasina! Concentrate!

My hand wipes through the air as a way of casting all these thoughts aside and I resume my descent. Carefully, slowly, I creep down, down, down. It's like fifteen levels to the ground floor of the Extraction Tower, but I'm counting as I round each landing, and this stairwell goes down further. There is no canal on this side of the tower, but there is a small lake. And in the center of the lake is the God's Tower event center. Which is not where I need to be. I would check my notes, but I can't see them. So I just keep going until there are no more stairs. There is a faint light here. It's a lit-up sign that says ‘exit' in red letters.

But there are two passageways—a literal fork in the road—and I can't decide which way the exit sign is pointing. So I hesitate.

And that's when I hear it. The faint sound of breathing .

I turn, gasping, desperate to see in the dark. But that small amount of light from the sign isn't enough to make out anything other than a large, looming shape slowly coming towards me.

"This is the problem with you slutty down-city girls, Jasina." These words come out slurred and angry. "You think that the rest of us are all dirty, stinking, stupid peasants like yourself."

The shape forms up into something recognizable when Donal Oslin steps directly under the exit sign.

He's laughing now. Because he's got me. Fool him once, fine. But not twice. There is no way I will get his balls again and he knows it. "It didn't even occur to you that we would have sensors guarding this stairwell?" He tips his head up, smiling. I can't afford to take my eyes off him, so I don't look up, but I know he's looking at a very faint glow of light that belongs to the top floor of the Extraction Tower. "Thanks, by the way." He sneers these words at me. "For leaving the door open. I've been trying to break into that tower since I was fourteen."

Then he lunges at me. And a moment later, he's got a hold of my hair and he's pushing me down to the ground.