39 - CLARA

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

I t's my first kiss —not ever, of course, but my very first kiss that is not Finn. And it does not disappoint. I realize that he only did it to ease the build-up of spark inside me so I didn't literally explode with it in front of the whole city.

But it feels way too good to care why he did it.

It's everything I never knew I wanted. When I walked across that imaginary line between the Canal District and the Ruin District there was an immediate expansion of spark inside me. Even when I was a Little Sister and I was practicing my spark display several times a day, it never filled me up this way. And being here, in this Tau City where spark isn't everywhere, all at once, but contained within a very specific and defined area, it feels very all or nothing.

I didn't notice much difference when I left earlier in the evening. But as the hours passed inside the patrol chief's house, I could feel… an emptying. A space inside me.

A space that was flooded with spark once I came into the ruin.

Also a new feeling.

Overwhelming, actually.

And it was complete genius on Tyse's part to dissipate the building spark by taking some of it from me through a kiss. It would've never occurred to me that I could share it.

When we pull back and I look up into Tyse's lit-up blue eyes, they look vacant for a moment. And there's a small panic inside my chest that I might've hurt him in some way.

But then he blinks, looks up at the sky for just a quick second, then down at me.

I am flooded again, but not with spark this time. It's just… I don't know. I don't think I've ever felt this way before. It's warmth, and it's a sense of safety, but also it's just this overwhelming feeling that I would do anything for him.

Anything.

His hands are still on my shoulders and he gives them a squeeze. "Are you OK now, Clara?"

I nod. "Yeah. Yep. I'm fine. That was…"

"Weird?"

"Um. Noooo. It was…" I smile at Tyse and do a stupid flirty thing with my head here that I didn't plan. "It was… my first kiss. Well, you know. That wasn't Finn." His eyes dart up to the sky for a moment, like he's thinking about something, and I immediately regret what I just said. "Sorry. I should just shut up about him now."

He lets out a small laugh. Then looks back down at me. "Come on. Let's go home."

And then he takes my hand and leads me into the tower.

Home.

I think about that word as we climb the steps in silence. Well, the tower isn't silent. There are hundreds and hundreds of people all around us. But we are. And I'm glad. Because… home .

His room does feel like home.

He feels like home.

The climb goes fast, like it always did back in the Maiden Tower when I was climbing with Gemna and Haryet. And as we come up to the tenth floor and walk over to his door, I suddenly have something to say.

We go inside and he closes the door behind us, and then he turns to me, and I decide it's now or… no. It's just now. I need to say this now. "Tyse, I don't want to go home. This place is strange, and big, and loud, and a little bit scary, and I know I did think I loved Finn, but I'm just not sure?—"

Suddenly the space between us, and he's holding my face in his hands, and looking me in the eyes when he says it. "Fuck. Finn."

That's what he says. That's all he says.

And then he's kissing me again. Only this time, it's much different. Better, if that's possible. Because he's determined, and a little bit forceful, and he's sliding my jacket down my arms, and pulling my dress up over my head, and then I'm standing in front of him in my Cheeky Goddess underwear, and my socks, and my boots, and the smile on this man's face as he looks at me is nothing short of hunger, with a tinge of amusement.

But he doesn't say anything. He just takes a step forward so I have to take a step back. And because this room is so small, I'm already bumping into the side of the bed.

A bed we share.

A bed where we sleep next to each other.

He takes another step and this time I can't really do anything but sit.

I have a flash of panic here. It's fleeting, but it's real. Because this position—me sitting down and Tyse towering over me—it's reminding me of the last time I was with Finn. And despite the fact that the sex felt good, it wasn't good sex . It was… fear sex. It was desperate, and sad, and vulgar.

Tyse squints his eyes at me, like he's reading something on my face. And immediately he bends down, placing his hands on my knees. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"You're lying. We don't have to?—"

"That's not it."

"Then what's wrong?"

"I'm thinking about Finn."

He almost stands up again, but I put my hands over his to make him reconsider. Which he does. But he also spells it out for me. "I don't wanna compete with that guy."

"You're not. He's not even here."

He taps a finger to my head. "I mean, in there. I don't wanna compete with him in there."

"Trust me, he's not in there."

"Then why are you thinking about him right now?"

"Because I just remembered that he was…" But I suddenly can't say it out loud. Because I hadn't even admitted this to myself before this very second, and it's so hard to believe that I start to wonder if I just got it wrong.

Except I didn't get it wrong and my eyes are filling up with tears, because I got it exactly right, and my heart is broken over this new awareness.

"He was what, Clara?"

"He was mean to me."

"Mean to you how?"

Then I'm crying, and I feel stupid, and I don't know what to say.

"Mean to you how, Clara?"

"He treated me like I was some down-city tavern whore. He wanted things… things I had never done before. But I did it. And still he didn't save me. And he said things…" I let out a breath. "Forget it. The important part is that when I walked through the tower door, I hated him." I look up and meet Tyse's eyes. "I told him I would hate him 'till the end of time. He was someone else. Something happened to him after his father died."

"When did his father die?"

"The day the bells rang for Haryet."

"And you went in the day after Haryet."

"Yeah."

"Well, that's all pretty stressful. Maybe he?—"

" No ." I stop Tyse right there. Before he can defend Finn. Because it's not true and I don't want to hear it. "That's not why. Yes, it was stressful. But the change in Finn was something else. It wasn't stress, Tyse. It wasn't. It was something else ."

Tyse stands back up and this time I don't stop him. Then he takes off his jacket, hangs it up, then removes his weapon belt, draping it over the chair in the kitchen. And then takes off his shirt and walks over to the chair to take off his boots.

It's a pattern with him that I've come to recognize.

I lean over, take off my boots too, and then grab a nightgown out of my little chest of drawers. It's a lot like the one I wore last night. White. Cotton. Soft. Girly instead of sexy. And I feel very young in this moment. Like… immature. Which is not how I felt in the Maiden Tower. There, I always felt so grown up.

But I think it was an illusion. I don't think I ever grew up. Not until I came here.

When I turn, Tyse has already taken his pants off and is standing in his boxers. But this is just how we sleep so I don't know if we're going to keep going, or this is just… sleep.

"What do you want to do?"

Did he just read my mind? "What do you mean?"

"You want me to… find the door and go kick his ass? Because I will."

I just blink at him for a moment. "What?"

"That Finn fucker. I'm pissed. Can you tell?"

"Not really."

"That's how ya know I'm pissed. I'm a quiet kinda pissed. And after what you just told me, it's my new mission in life—well, after tomorrow, which we are not gonna talk about tonight—but after tomorrow, it's my new mission in life to find that fucker and make him pay. And by make him pay, I mean… in every dimension. Because I'm gonna hurt him in his soul ."

"Oh. Well… I was actually just wondering if we were gonna have sex tonight."

His face goes blank. Then a small smile lifts up his lips. He chuckles. "OK, then. We're gonna table the revenge scheme for a couple days and just concentrate on the sex. Acceptable?"

A sense of joy transcends my sour mood and suddenly the world is all right side up again. "You're very serious when you're working, ya know that?"

He nods. "I am. And I do. And I've got a lot of work coming up. But I'm trying to remind myself that I'm off-duty right now so I'm doin' my best."

Well. If ever there was an invitation to remind a man that he's off-duty, that was it. I grab the front of my nightgown with my fingertips and lift it back up over my head. As soon as it's off, I make eye contact with Tyse again.

He's smiling now because whatever work thing that's on his mind, he's truly put it aside at this point. "What are ya doing?"

"I don't like the nightgown anymore. It reminds me of that place I used to live."

Tyse presses his lips together. "I see."

"In fact"—I reach behind my back and unclasp my bra—"I don't like these undergarments, either." I let the bra slide down my arms and then I step out of my Cheeky Goddess underwear. I do not break eye contact with him. And, to my surprise, he doesn't break eye contact with me, either. "So I'm just gonna sleep like this."

Then I pull the covers back and slip into the bed.

I'm looking him right in his blue eyes when he reaches over and turns the light out. For a moment it's completely dark. But then there is a blue glow emanating up from my skin and I can see Tyse as he drops his boxers—lit-up eyes locked on me—as he gets into bed.

His body eases in up next to mine, his hand on my stomach. But he slowly slides it down between my legs. "One day… I'm gonna read you, Clara Birch. I'm gonna get that story your spark is so desperate to tell, and I'm gonna know you better than anyone else in this fuckin' universe."

And then he kisses me, and while he's kissing me he puts me on top of him. My legs straddling his hips. My hands sliding under his arms and gripping his shoulders like I don't ever want to let go. He's got one hand between my legs, and the other is around the back of my neck, holding our lips together as our mouths work in unison.

But a moment later, he's inside me. And this is nothing like the sex I've ever had before. Because my entire body is lit up with spark, and it's so powerful that it lifts off me the way those butterflies did on Jasina Bell's dress. The whole room is blue, and the spark is floating all around us like snow falling in mountains I have never seen before, and this man underneath me is moaning sweet things into my ear as we make love.

And this too is new. Because it's slow . So slow. It's lingering and the pleasure isn't some instantaneous climax, but a sustained sense of pure delight that goes on, and on, and on.

He holds me close to him, my breasts pushing against his chest. But after the first climax, I sit up and we keep going. Even slower this time. His face is lit up blue from my glow and when I tap his chest, my spark comes right out the end of my fingertip and leaves a mark on his skin.

I draw a heart around his heart. I write my name on his stomach. I trace his tattoos in cyan-blue and little by little, he takes it in.

The glow I leave behind becomes his.

Like a gift.

And while I'm doing this he's tracing my story. The one written on my body. And all I hear as I make love are his words. His promise to me. One day I'm gonna read you, Clara Birch .

And I think to myself… Well, of course he is.

Because whatever is written on me—whatever story this is—I know one thing for sure.

It's the story of us.

Time is weird in dreams , so I don't know how long I've been standing at the window of our room looking down at what used to be the God's Tower stage. I only know the moment when I realize where I am and what I'm doing.

Which is watching an Extraction outside.

Imogen's Extraction. She's far down below, but I recognize it because of the blue sphere of spark she makes around her body as she walks through the tower doors.

This scene is superimposed over the ruin, but I can see it quite clearly. Not like it happened ten years ago, but like it's happening right now in this very moment and I'm up in the tower, looking down on the old Tau City where I used to live.

Everything goes black for a moment.

Then there is another Extraction. And even though I don't remember what kind of display Marlowe Hughes did when she walked through, I know this is Marlowe.

Another darkness. Another scene change. And yet another Extraction. This time it's Mabel Paice. It keeps going like this. Darkness. Lucy Fisher. Darkness. Mabel Shaw. Darkness. Piper Adley. Darkness. Brooke Bayford. One by one they walk through the doors and disappear underneath me.

Darkness.

Then nothing.

I lean in, squinting. But there's nothing but blue mist out there.

"Haryet!" I yell it. Just in case she's lost. Because she's next. And I want to see her so bad, but she's not here. " Haryet !"

Then it all disappears and I find myself sitting up in bed because someone is pounding on our door.