24 - CLARA

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

" D o you have a last name ?" We're walking again, just entering the district, when I ask him this. It's not crowded here at the edge, but it will be very soon.

"Saarinen."

"Where do you come from?"

"What makes you think I'm not from here?"

"You sound different."

He smiles, but doesn't look at me. His gaze wandering over the people around us. "I come from Delta."

"Where's that?"

"Long, long way across the sandy sea. On the edge. By the Alphas."

"I have no idea what that means."

He stays quiet for a moment, maybe trying to come up with a way to explain it, and I take this moment to think about him.

Nothing about Tyse Saarinen is anything like Finn Scott. And I do mean nothing . He's very tall, for one. Finn is not short, in fact they might even be the same height, but something about Tyse comes off as looming. He's got a lot of tattoos. Finn does not. No one up-city gets tattoos. That's something they do down the canal. And he's not clean-shaven, like Finn.

I've never seen a soldier. We don't have a military in my version of Tau City. There's no need. There's no one coming to invade us because we're the last ones left.

But of course, I've seen illustrations of them in textbooks when I was learning history as a child and Tyse looks exactly like they were depicted in those books. Almost down to the smallest details, including the tattoos. Even his hair. Which is shaved close to his scalp at the sides of his head, but longer over the top. It's not tied back today, so most of the time you can't see that the sides are shaved unless he rakes it all back into place with his fingertips because the longer hair covers it.

Finn's hair was neither long nor short. It was just… hair. About shoulder length. And it's blond, not a dark auburn brown. But it looked good against his desert-tanned skin.

Even though the city does appear to have the same climate—very warm during the day and cold at night—everyone looks less weathered. More sheltered from the sun. Which makes sense, I guess. Since the towers here are so tall, they block a lot of it out.

"The Alphas are like…"

I look up at Tyse as he tries to work out a way to explain the geography of whatever the Alphas are.

"I dunno, a few thousand miles away? Maybe more? Probably more. The Alphas are the ruins closest to the ocean."

"The ocean?"

"Yeah. You don't have one where you come from?"

"I've heard of them, the way I've heard of soldiers. But no. There's no ocean by us. The water we have comes from the god. We have the canals and the lakes, but that's about it."

He lets out a breath. "I think I'd like to see your version. It would be kinda cool to compare it."

"Well, if we find a doorway back, you can come for a visit."

"Right." He snickers a little. "Anyway. The Alphas are far. And Delta City is in that direction. It's on the sea. Which is another word for ocean."

"So you lived by it?" I nearly stop walking, I'm so stunned at this development. An ocean, for me, at least, is just a concept. But to him it was a feature of his home.

"Yeah. Swam in it. It's salt water, though. You can't drink it."

"What does Delta look like? Here?"

"No. It's got a god. But it's not the way you describe your home. Maybe something in between a very traditional village and this monstrosity of a place that is Tau City. We have a few skyscrapers, but nothing this wild. And we have beaches too. Not a canal, but a river that comes down from the mountains. It snows up there. You could ski down if you had the coin for that."

"Snow." Again, I know what it is, I've just never seen it. "I can't even imagine what it would be like to live in a place that had snow. What is skiing?"

"You put these long, smooth boards on your feet and slide down the mountain on them."

Just picturing this makes me laugh out loud. "Is it dangerous? Because it sounds dangerous."

"Yeah. It can be. I've never done it. I didn't have coin like that when I was growing up, so I never tried it."

"Do you have coin like that now?"

"I have what I need. And if I wanted to bother with skiing, I could go somewhere and do that."

"So, you're successful."

He laughs. Right out loud. "I live in the God's Tower ruin. My augments failed, I've got no job, I live off a pension, and…" He pauses. Sighs. "And… I'm completely fucking satisfied with this. So, if that's what you mean by successful, then sure. I'm fuckin' flourishing."

"Hm." I hum this, amused at his self-deprecation.

Tyse stops and pans a hand to a building off to the right. "Here we are."

The health center is a relatively short building when compared to the massive towers it's situated between. The whole thing is made out of that hard-edged building material I can now identify as concrete. The doors open automatically when people enter and exit and there are a lot of people here.

"Ready?"

I'm not. But I nod my head to Tyse anyway. I know I'm not sick. I know I wasn't injured. But I'm nervous. Because what if I was injured? What if I'm completely crazy and all the things I think are true are lies? Or just a dream, or something? What if Finn never existed?

It hurts my heart to think that. I was angry when I left, but if I ever saw him again, I would not be. I would be thankful, and I would apologize for all the things I said as I was pulled into the God's Tower, and I would beg him to forgive me.

"Come on." Tyse wraps his hand around my forearm, like I might decide to run or something. And he's not going to let me. Not after we made a deal.

I might run, if I had somewhere to go, but I don't, so I give in and let him lead me inside.

And from the moment I cross that threshold and walk into the chaotic lobby, I let him take care of everything. Because I just don't understand any of it.

There are screens with moving pictures on them placed all over the walls. And these screens are on the desks, and people sit in front of them, doing something with their fingers. Writing, I think. But not with pencils. There are chairs with wheels on them, and things are beeping, and people walking around in long blue gowns and masks that cover half their face.

I stand there, silent and confused, as Tyse explains the situation.

We sit for a while as I do my best to take in everything I'm seeing, trying to force it to make sense. I sit very still, rigid and alert, eyes bouncing from one scene to the next, and as I do this, I lose track of time.

But then someone calls my name, and I don't know what to do. I freeze. Unable to stand, let alone walk over to the woman with a screen that is small enough to hold in her hand. She's scowling in my direction, not looking friendly at all.

Tyse stands up and offers me his hand until I take it and stand with him. And then he leads me over to her. There is a small argument here, one I don't participate in. The lady doesn't want Tyse to come with me, but he insists, telling her that I am his wife.

This almost shocks me out of my stupor, only because I want to smirk up at Tyse and give him a knowing look. Curious, my ass. But things are moving too fast for joking and suddenly I'm in a room with machines all around me. Machines I can't even begin to describe because they are things I have no words for.

In the coffee shops we have machines. They make coffee. We have ovens in kitchens. We have pipes and things related to plumbing. We have lights. But we don't have anything like this.

The health center, in my version of Tau City, is a place to pray . We ask the god for healing. If the god decides to intervene, medicine appears in syringes. It looks nothing like this.

I am asked to take off my ill-fitting clothes and put on a thin robe and the next thing I know people are poking me with needles—which is at least familiar.

At this point, I don't know what to think. My only option is to just stop participating and let Tyse handle it all. Which he does. But when there's a break in all this commotion, and no other people are close by, he asks me, "Are you OK?"

I nod out of habit. But I'm utterly fucking lost in this place. I just want to go and never come back. Except I can't because this is my reality now. There's no escape. Not a simple one, anyway. And I've made a deal with Tyse. Luckily. I'm so thankful we came in here with that agreement in place because I cannot imagine living through this experience with no one at my side.

I'm desperate now. Desperate to be proven right, and taken out of here, and helped.

Because I will not make it here alone. I will not make it here at all if I have to stay.

If I'm stuck, and there's no way back, I'm going to die in this place. I don't want to be alone when I die.

I'm taken to a new room. It's very cold and this time Tyse is absolutely not allowed to come with me. I answer questions using as few words as possible and then I am told to lie on a table and then put inside a machine. The nurse—that's what these people are called—keeps asking me if I'm OK. And I can hear her, even though she's not inside the machine with me, but in a whole other room.

I don't say anything. Just hold absolutely still until they take me out, put me in yet another room, and Tyse comes back holding up a big brown bag with handles.

I let out a breath after he closes the door. Relieved that the people have gone away, but mostly relieved that he's back.

"They told me it'd be two hours of waiting for the MRI, so I went and got you some clothes that should fit ya better." He offers me the bag.

I'm sitting on the edge of an exam table, but I take it and put it next to me, peeking inside. Then I look up at him and let out a long breath. A breath I feel like I've been holding in all day. "Well? Am I sick?"

"They don't have the results yet. But they said you can change." He nods to the bag. "It all might be too big. But better to be too big than too small." Then he turns back to the door.

"Wait!" This word comes out in a panic. "Where are you going?"

"Get dressed. I'll be right outside." He doesn't wait for me to agree, just slips out and closes the door behind him.

I don't like this place, but I feel like the ordeal is almost over, so I force myself to put the new clothes on and cling to the idea that I will be pronounced healthy and leave here soon.

The pants are the same kind he wears, with lots of pockets and made of soft, thick material. But they are a pale brown instead of black. The shirt is like his as well, short sleeves and made of cotton, but again, not black. More of a cream color. There's even a pair of boots, also like his. Ankle-high lace-ups in brown.

The coat is the only thing different. His coat looks military. Something left over from his soldiering days. The one he bought me is feminine, short, tucked at the waist, comes with a belt, and is made of nice, thick wool the color of the tower domes back in my Tau City. When I slip my arms inside, they glide down the smooth silk lining.

There's a mirror over a desk in the far end of the exam room and when I walk over to it and look at myself, I feel… well, almost like myself. While this is not an outfit I'd ever wear as a Maiden, it looks like something I could wear back home. At the very least, if I went shopping for this outfit in my Tau City, I might actually be able to piece it together. Minus all the pockets, of course.

Did he do that on purpose? Buy me things in the color scheme I described on our walk over here? Or was it just an accident?

I don't think it matters because the end result is that I feel much, much better. I open the door, fearful that Tyse won't actually be out there, but he is. And he smiles as he looks me up and down. "It fits?"

I nod. Then point at him. "We look like we're partners. Except I'm light and you're dark."

He stares at me for a moment, then shrugs. "I've been called worse." Then he holds up a piece of paper. "You've been released. I've already talked to the doctor. There's nothing wrong with your brain. He told me to take you home, make you rest, and come back next week if it hasn't?—"

"I'm not coming back. I'm never?—"

Tyse puts up a hand, interrupting me. "You don't have to." Then he sighs. "You were right. And I believe you."

It should feel good, this victory. I should feel a little smug, maybe. But I don't. "Just… get me the fuck out of this place."

He smiles, offering me his arm. Which feels familiar, but awkward. Literally hundreds of men have offered me their arm over the course of my Maiden duties. It's a normal thing where I come from. It's just… not something a man like Tyse should instinctively do.

And yet he does.

But maybe I'm reading that wrong. At any rate, I hook my arm into his and let him lead me back outside.

It's dark now and everything I thought I knew about this city is suddenly wrong. It's loud, and there are bright, colorful signs on all the buildings, and it's raining. Which makes the roads slick and dark and splashes of water fly up at us from the machines that transport people around.

I want to ask a million questions about all of it, but I don't really know where to start because nothing about this place is familiar. I want Tyse to explain everything, but I feel like this isn't the time. He's spent the whole day with me and while he wasn't exactly pleasant this morning, he really has been patient. I don't want to push him over the edge and make him regret his promise to help me because there's nothing tying us together now. I'm perfectly fine and we're strangers. A rational person would be looking for a way to cut their losses right about now.

I would, if I were him. So I hold all my questions in.

Then he's pointing at a door and directing me in that direction. "Let's get some food."

I like this idea, if only because a restaurant is something I understand, plus I'm starving. But also, I need to get away from all the stimulation outside. Stopping for food is the quickest way to do that.

When we go inside it's warm and not crowded, so immediately I let out a breath and some of the anxiety I was feeling begins to fade. We are directed to a booth and we sit across from each other. His legs stretch out, bumping into mine, but he pulls them back with a sigh.

I study his face for a moment while a waitress puts menus in front of us. When she's gone, I look down and say, "You're tired of me, aren't you?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Because I would be tired of me, if I were you." I fidget with a napkin, unable to look him in the eyes.

"Why are you so nervous?"

"Why?" This word comes out on a sigh. "Because I'm a stranger here."

"OK."

"And… you're the only person I know."

"Right."

"And you don't have any more responsibilities to me. Not really."

"I did make a deal with you, though." He leans back in the booth and crosses his arms. This time when his legs bump into mine, he doesn't pull them back. Just claims my space.

I don't move my legs either. I look up and force myself to stare into his eyes. It's weird for a moment. They are very blue, but not the unnatural blue they were this morning. "It wasn't a deal. You said you were curious. Which isn't any kind of promise at all."

He stares at me for a moment. Then a small smile creeps up his face. "You like me."

"I don't even know you."

"You think I'm nice."

I think I blush, because my face goes hot.

"Not only that, you need me. More than I need you." His eyes squint a little here. "Which is making you nervous."

I shrug. He's not wrong.

"But it's more than that, isn't it, up-city Clara Birch." This time when he says my name like that, it's not an insult. I can tell the difference now. "I'm all you've got."

I roll my eyes.

"And you think I might leave you here."

Now I look at him again. Because I am afraid he'll leave me here. Surely, he's got friends, or places to be, or something.

And just as I think this, that phone thing of his starts making a noise. But we're still looking at each other and he doesn't let the interruption change this. "I'm not gonna leave you here. Ya know why?"

"Why?"

"Because you're pretty."

I laugh out loud unexpectedly.

"So you were right. That's the real reason I'm curious about you." He pulls the phone out without breaking eye contact. "I've got to take this." Then he taps it and puts it up to his ear. "Did you get my message?"

There's a pause while he listens to a faint voice. Then everything about him changes. "Oh, sorry. I forgot. I've been busy all day. Rain check then, yeah?" He listens for a few seconds. "Sounds good. Talk soon." He taps the phone again and slips it back into his pocket.

"What was that?"

"Stayn."

"Did he ask about me?"

"He doesn't know about you, Clara. I didn't tell him."

"Then why was he calling?"

"Because I was supposed to be at his house for dinner tonight and I didn't show. Forgot. Plus, I got a better offer." He doesn't wait for me to smile here, though I do. "The good thing though is that he didn't ask about it. The vagrant, I mean. The whole thing has been forgotten as far as he's concerned."

These words rattle around in my brain for a few moments. It feels like a win, but there's something dangerous about it too. "I owe you."

Tyse grins. "You absolutely owe me."

My laugh comes out as a huff. "Well, that's not coy."

"There's no need to be coy. I saved you." He leans back and stretched his arms out along the top of the booth, still grinning. "Twice? Three times? At any rate, your debts are piling up, Miss Birch."

I don't know what to say to that. Is he… flirting with me? Because he's got a kinda flirty look about him. Those eyes and that smile, in combination with that rugged, handsome face, give off an impression of flirting.

Or is he seriously keeping track of how much I owe him? I don't know him well enough to tell the difference. And he does come off as rather dangerous. Just because he's been helpful doesn't make him nice. And if he is keeping track?—

"Oh, stop, Clara."

"What?"

"I'm joking. I mean, ya do owe me." He grins again. "But I'm not expecting much. Not expecting anything, actually."

"What do you mean by that?"

He shrugs. "Helping people is something you do because you want to. Not because you get something in return. Mostly because people just disappoint ya, so zero expectations is really the way to go."

"Wow. You really are cynical."

He doesn't react. Just stares at me. And after only a few seconds of his full, undivided attention the mood between us becomes heavy and awkward.

The funny thing is, I don't think it's got anything to do with me. Somehow, we've stopped talking about me and moved on to him. And I think he just realized that he gave up some information about himself that he didn't actually mean to.

I don't lower my eyes. I meet his gaze, heavy as it is. "You know what I think?"

"Can't wait to hear."

"I think… I would like to be the one person who doesn't disappoint you. The one person who exceeds your expectations."

"Now why would you wanna go and do something like that?"

I lift up one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. "Because I can relate."

"Did that boyfriend of yours disappoint ya, Clara?"

I nod as I try and stop the frown, but there's no way I can.

"He sent ya into that tower? Sacrificed ya? For a god he'd never even met?"

I suck in a breath, but my throat is tightening up with an oppressive sadness. "He didn't even try." I feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and I have a very strong urge to stop them. To pull myself together. To handle this heartbreak with grace, the way I was taught to handle all the other things that came with being a Maiden. But I have to face this truth eventually. Not just let it stew inside me, knowing it's true, but never admitting it. So I keep going and let the tears fall where they may. "That's what hurt me. It wasn't the god or the tower. It was him. Because if I were Finn and he were me, I would've tried. I would've…" I exhale loudly with frustration. "I would've done something daring to try and save him."

"Would ya? I mean, people think that way, Clara, but most of the time, when presented with a situation as out of control as that, most people surrender. Almost no one plays the hero. So before ya give up on him entirely and condemn him to a dark place in your heart, never to be heard or seen again, ya might just cut the man a break, ya know?"

"I do. I get it. And, to be honest, that whole time I was sitting in the health center I was imagining what I would say if I ever saw him again."

"What would you say?"

"Well, I'd apologize, obviously."

"Why obviously?"

"Oh"—I laugh, and my smile is big—"I threw a fit, Tyse." I lower my chin and give him a serious, steely stare. "Absolute fit . I cursed him, and called him names, I think."

"You don't remember?"

"I was so mad. I just lost it."

"And now?"

"Well, first, I'm embarrassed about that. But more importantly, I know for sure that he had no choice. And it was the right call."

"How do ya know that?"

"Because when I got within a certain distance of the door, it pulled me in. I didn't walk through of my own accord."

"Why's that matter again? Maybe you told me, but I forgot."

"Because he said if he didn't send me in, the god would take the Maidens-in-Waiting—which is just Gemna now—and then all the Little Sisters too."

"These little sisters are…? Relations?"

"No. Pledges. Prospective Maidens. And there were seventy-five of them. So if Finn had refused we all would've died."

Tyse was leaning forward, his arms on the table, as this conversation played out. But now he leans back. "It's a logical assumption that he was right based on the pulling you described. But that don't make it a fact, Clara. Not that it matters. You should just think a little more critically. Sometimes things aren't that simple."

I don't know what to say to that, so I say nothing.

He's staring at me. Hard. But not in a mean way. A new way, maybe. He's not unwilling to give Finn the benefit of the doubt, but he's not gonna give him a pass.

And he doesn't want me to, either.

That's why he just said that.

Suddenly, everything becomes too much and all the new things I've just experienced start catching up. My whole body goes hot, especially my face, and then I feel tears forming. Because I'm overwhelmed, and sad, and sorry, and stuck. So I don't want to talk anymore.

Luckily, our waitress comes up to the table with one of those screens in her hands. "What can I get for you tonight, folks?"