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Ember’s Diary (aged ten)

M y mum is so beautiful, with her golden hair, and her smiles. She’s always so happy, always smiling, and that’s what’s so great about our family. My older brother Blaze seems angry a lot lately, and I don’t understand why, because he’s at senior school and it must be so cool. I can’t wait to move up to that school too. I can’t wait to be a teenager, and wear grown up clothes, and hang out with the cool pretty girls.

School is so much fun already, with my group of friends, and the games we play. We all love fairies and all things sparkly and pretty. We love to pretend we’re hunting for fairies out in the park, even if the older kids yell mean things sometimes.

Why be sad, or angry, because life is beautiful, and there’s so much magical stuff all around us. I want to be beautiful like my mum, with the fancy plaits and patterns she twists her hair into, and I want to find a fairy for real. How amazing would that be? Maybe she’d grant wishes too.

Ember (aged seventeen)

“WHAT AN IDIOT.” I tossed the diary on the floor, on top of the others. What a stupid, vapid, pathetic loser I’d been. How the hell could I have thought there was only beauty in this horrible, godforsaken world? The world was full of assholes, and mean people who really didn’t care if they hurt others.

I think being raised by my parents was actually part of the problem, because until I was out there in the real world, I really thought life was as perfect as it was at home. How my mum and dads managed to protect us from all of that sickness and depravity out there, I had no idea, but now I’d seen it, I knew I’d never be the same.

As a kid who’d thought the world would be such a wonder, I felt like I’d been hauled out of that sweet fun life, and thrown literally into hell. Everyone was a predator, and nobody was safe.

“Hey?” Someone grabbed my arm, and I panicked, turning and punching out at the culprit, gasping when I realised it was my brother.

“Fuck’s sake,” Ash muttered, lifting his fingers up to test his nose. “I spoke to you like twice, what’s your fucking issue?!”

That was my younger brother, and he was even angrier than Blaze. I had no idea what bug had got up his ass, but he was like this even before what happened with me, and sure, he’d had to change schools when we moved yet again, to put distance between us and those assholes, but suck it up, right?

“What do you want anyway? You know to stay out of my room.”

He smirked, folding his arms and leaning against my wall. He had dark hair and eyes like dad Dory, unlike me and Blaze, who both looked more like dad Gray and mum. Well, I did once. These days I looked like some kind of emo reject, but it was like an armour that protected me from the world.

Ash was still watching me, that knowing look on his face.

“Dad wanted me to make sure you didn’t have any blades in here.”

What? I picked up one of my old diaries and threw it at his head.

“Fuck off! I said I’m not doing that anymore, so fuck OFF!” He ducked the book, and backed out of the room.

“You know one of us has to check on you every few hours, you fucked up weirdo. I drew the short straw this time.”

“FUCK OFF!” I slammed the door in his face and dropped down on my bed, clenching my fists to try and channel my anger, before I did what they were all so afraid of.

My arms were marked with so many smooth lines from when I used to cut myself, and my wrists were marked from suicide attempt number four. FYI, slitting wrists is not a good way to try and go. It hurts so much, and then they have to fix the damage. That time I ended up in a psychiatric facility for forty eight hours. Like that was going to fix the mess of my life, right?

I grabbed another diary and flicked to the front. Oh joy. It’s this one.

Ember’s diary (aged eleven)

Yay, first day of grown up school tomorrow! I can’t wait to meet all the new people, and learn what my class schedule will be. I love school so much, and classes are so easy, so what’s to worry about? It’s going to be great.

Oh, and here’s the entry from the next day.

School wasn’t what I’d expected. I thought it’d be like junior school, only bigger and better, with more new friends to make. No. It wasn’t what I expected at all. It felt like everyone knew something I didn’t, and even my junior school friends were acting strange today. They wouldn’t talk to me in the halls, didn’t meet me outside like we planned, and when I tried to catch up with them, they hurried away.

Worse than that was the older boys. I saw them shoving Blaze around, so I yelled at them to stop, and when their attention turned to me, I realised they were big and scary. Blaze immediately started punching the one nearest to him, and then they all started hitting him! I ran! I didn’t know what else to do, but Blaze was scary when he was that angry, and I panicked, surrounded by so many angry boys. Why was Blaze fighting with the bigger boys?

Why indeed? How was I that na?ve? How did I not see what the fuck was going on there? My older brother was being bullied and beaten up almost daily, and he didn’t let on. He just took it, he just braved it, and soldiered on. I wished I could have been as brave and strong as him, because I wasn’t able to, not when they realised I was an easier target than him. Maybe if I’d told him what was happening to me a little sooner, he could have protected me from it. I’d always hate myself for keeping it a secret. Who am I kidding? I’d always hate myself regardless.