25. FATE AND PROPHECY

Three months ago.

"Whatever the price, I'll pay it. Just send me back."

The Masked Mother had smiled, amused. "I'll be fair, then. For going back as a god, you will never be allowed to return to the heavens. And if you succeed in your aims, you'll never be allowed in the mortal realm either."

Banished from heaven. Banished from earth. I'd have nowhere to go.

Or to exist.

"That's correct, Zephyr: You will pay with your very existence. Succeed, and your spirit will be recalled to the Obelisk, but it will not undergo the cycle of reincarnation. It will be destroyed. You will have no chance of being yourself, a god, or someone else if you do change fate."

Change fate. Change fate. Change fate.

It was all that I could hear, and all that I wanted.

My only aim.

"How will I know I've changed fate—really changed fate?" I'd asked the Masked Mother. I thought I'd changed Cloud's fate, when I took her place under Miasma's blade, but all I did was delay it. I couldn't rely on a goal so broad; I needed a concrete objective.

"What do you wish to fulfill?" asked the Masked Mother.

Make Ren empress.But it's not what Ren wanted, and I swallowed the words. "Unite the three kingdoms as we march north. Free Xin Bao from Miasma, and keep Plum and her descendants from the throne." Butis thatenough?"Wait, and free Xin Bao from anyone who seeks to control her." But freedom could mean death; language was finicky like that. "Can I write it out on a scroll?"

The Masked Mother had laughed. "Tell you what, Zephyr. When the time comes, you will only pay the ultimate price if you've accomplished what you want in your heart."

"In my heart?"

"Yes. If you're going to be dealing with mortal fates, then you should know this: The mortal heart wants what it wants."

Lightning had flashed, and thunder had shaken the heavens. But my heart was set.

I knew what I wanted.

I wanted what Ren wanted.

Now, lying on the ground, I curse. Was this what I wanted all along? Xin Bao dead? Could it be that my own heart betrayed me? Or has Plum died?

I hate that I have no way of knowing.

"Senge? Senge!" Footsteps, urgent, rushing over. I blink, bleary, as Cicada's face appears above mine.

Ren.I want it to be her, to have my true lordess by my side. I want—to say farewell to her. But it's too late. I made my choice. With the Masked Mother's terms, I knew I wouldn't be able to stay with Ren if I succeeded. Winning for her would be my goodbye, and as I strain to see Ren over the threshold, I almost convince myself that I've won in the way I envisioned. From this angle, I can't see the blood on the floor. Xin Bao could be sleeping, and Ren could be kneeling for no reason other than loyalty. A beautiful story. Legend.

Lie.

Already, I can feel Ren's nightmares. The dawns when she'll wake in cold sweat, remembering what it felt like to skewer her empress. I can feel her pain, if she stays as Cicada has suggested and rules. Mortals all die, sooner or later, but the guilt will kill her every day.

And I won't be there to help her.

But Cloud will. Tourmaline. Sikou Hai. And Cicada—she cares about Ku in her own way. She didn't kill Ren. She fought Miasma with us. She is young, like Ren said. Maybe she'll change. But maybe Ren will too. Every day they live is another day they can choose to change—if not destiny, then how they react to it. Live on in spite of it. Fate and prophecy—fulfilling either is just the beginning.

Only my time is ending.

Cloud . . .Out the corner of my eye, I see her rising, then Ren, Cicada's cries summoning them. Cloud—keep the truth of my brief, meaningless return from our lordess. Andcomfort Tourmaline. Make sure she doesn't do something so foolish again. Live on, and live well. Lotus would want that, like Ren said, but I wish itfor you too. I wish . . . Tears blur my vision. I try to fight them, then stop. They carve down my cheeks as my eyes close.

I wish we could have all had a toast under the peach trees after Ren ascends the throne.

Forgive me for leaving too soon.

"Senge? Talk to me. What hurts? What's wrong?" Cicada wipes my face as the tears keep coming, her motions frantic.

For her, I blink them back with the last of my strength. "Sound the gong," I whisper to her. Sikou Hai will understand the signal, universal among armies.

Retreat.

We live to fight another day.

Then I release the body.

That's when I see him. Afloat in the air like me. He's here. He didn't disappear. We face each other, and I drink in the sight of him, the lines of his body clear. Then I notice the ghosts too, before the throne. I can see them again.

Maybe because I'm about to become one.

I want the last word with Crow before that happens. "Sorry that I couldn't save you the honor of ending me." I nod at the body, on the ground, its heart still beating. "Go on. Return to it."

Crow doesn't move. "Where are you going?"

Nowhere. There's nowhere left for me in heaven or on earth.That's the answer, and it scares me. I wish I could share my fear with Crow. I wish he could know all of me. Be with me. Hate me or love me.

Walk into this unknown with me.

But that's not possible. Even if it were, he wouldn't want to and I wouldn't make him.

I've tormented him enough.

"Somewhere where I don't have to stare at your face every day," I say, and then, before he can see my expression cave, I brush by him, one spirit passing another. To the world, we don't exist. We can't affect it. But as my sleeve grazes his, I shudder, my desire to stay a little longer so strong, it almost doesn't feel like a coincidence when a breeze stirs. Ahead of me, the leaf settled on the pavilion shivers and drifts, up and up and up, until it's sailing through the sky.

Whether I'm ready or not, I must join it.

"Was it worth it?" His voice accosts me from behind, and my heart lurches.

Maybe I'll tell you in another life, I want to say, but can't, too afraid my voice will crack. I keep walking, every step touching the ground a little less.

Eventually, I surrender myself to the lightness and float, soaring over the capital streets we passed, to see the troops we left outside the walls. I hear the gong, sounding out.

I see Cloud riding to tell everyone that we've won.

Was it worth it?

I've achieved the Rising Zephyr Objective, technically. And yet Ren bleeds, inside and out. Of her two swornsisters, only one stands with her. The empire is not united. Decades from now, this dynasty will fall and a new one will rise. None of that will be different.

But while we are here, we live. We love. We leave our marks. Rain and wind may eventually erase them, but it won't erase the l I walked with everyone.

Ren. Cloud. Lotus. Ku. Tourmaline. Sikou Hai. Crow—

My only regret is that I won't get to be your strategist, sister, friend, mentor, equal in another life.

The gong sounds and sounds, and I breathe in and out.

In and—

Zephyr has gone.

I am fading too, the spirit half that she split off.

Soon, we will perish together, for we are one. We share the same emotions. The same heart.

I know what she couldn't see for herself:

Her heart never wanted for Xin Bao to die, but for Ren to rise.

I float before Ren, our queen and lordess.

I touch her shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I know it hurts. But you will heal," I murmur to her. "And when you do, I hope you see what the world sees: that you are worthy." My hand on her shoulder begins to fade. It's time. "Goodbye, Ren."

I don't expect her to hear me. She's mortal. I'm not her family. Cloud could only see me because of Lotus's qì.

But then Ren looks up, eyes glazed. "Qilin?"

She rises, unsteadily, from the empress, her gaze searching the hall, as if she caught my voice in the wind, and I smile.

I'd like to think that she can feel it, as I become wind myself.