Chapter Eighteen

Tell Me No Lies

Texas

“Where are we going to now?” The calmness is unsettling as the sky is suddenly bathed in black.

“Fifth gate,” Khamari says. “This one is tough.”

“What did Alexander say about it?”

“Don’t say their name just yet. Don’t speak unless asked.”

“Well. Isn’t that the rule down here? Say their name, enter the gate, then solve their lil’ puzzle?”

“Not this one. Do not rouse its curiosity. Do not bate its anger,” Khamari whispers in a way that makes my skin crawl.

Six golden lights fall from the sky, arranging themselves around the barque. Just ahead, two large red eyes peer at us from the shadows.

“Guess it’s too late.” I lean forward and squint as if it’ll help me see it better.

“Raven Wright, the warrior,” someone whispers as if they’re sitting beside me. “The girl who mindlessly kills. The one who killed Julius St. John. Will she kill you, too?”

I shoot to my feet, snap my attention to Khamari. “You hear that?”

He eyes me, swallowing before he speaks. “Yeah. I heard.”

“Why are you looking at me like that? You know you can’t trust—”

“Khamari St. John,” the voice rises to a boom. “The unworthy one. Will you betray him or betray her?”

Mist surrounds us, yet the red eyes are still fixed on us.

“Like the thickening fog, lies surround you, sticking to your flesh. I am the devourer of lies, of flesh. Tell me falsehoods and I will take what is mine.” This voice slides over my skin, down my throat, disturbing and bitter, and I can barely choke it down. My throat locks up.

Khamari doesn’t respond, and neither do I. Not yet. Not until I must.

“Raven Wright, do you trust your companion?”

That’s an effed-up question. “No,” I confess.

Khamari, who sits so close our knees are touching, crosses his arms.

I shrug at his closed expression. “I’m not trying to get eaten down here.”

“Very well,” the ancient voice acknowledges. “Do you trust yourself? Are you in control of the thing that lives inside of you?”

“Huh?”

A gray, decayed hand emerges from the mist and swipes at my arm. Khamari pulls me close to him before it strikes.

“Do not delay, girl. Answer me.”

“Ummm…I’m not…no.”

“Khamari St. John, are you angry with her? The one who trembles in your arms?”

“I…am,” he answers as if it was ripped from his soul.

“What do you mean?” I scramble from his arms and move to the opposite side. “I’m not the one who—”

“Why are you angry, Khamari? Tell me, how has she hurt you?” The voice seems to get pleasure from Khamari’s answer. From the division it causes.

“She…” He clears his throat. “Killed my grandfather. He was not all bad, but not all good. He showed me how to become a vampire. How to control my mind, my powers. I know—”

His eyes shimmer with tears. “I know he deserved his death. But to see you kill him, mindlessly without control, it scared me. Then you tried to kill me. You couldn’t talk. You didn’t trust that I hadn’t betrayed you in that moment.”

He’s staring at me like he needs my forgiveness for sharing his truth.

Something about his look softens something hard and angry inside of me. “Look, I…I had no choice. It was kill or be killed. And with you, I… Yeah, I kinda lost it. Lost it because I lost you. But I’m working on myself. Because…” Balling my fists in my lap, I share a confession of my own. “I don’t want to be a killer. I don’t want this power, but I’m not going to cry about what I have to do anymore.”

“Yeah…I…get it.”

“Maybe it’s too late to say it, but I’m sorry that I attacked you. And trust me, I wish it didn’t go down like that.”

He gathers me close. “I’m glad you said that. I thought…I thought you wanted me dead.”

“Why would I come all the way down here if I don’t care about you?”

He leans away, staring at my face. “I have—”

“No! It is my turn. My turn to ask the questions,” the voice shrieks.

“All right, relax,” I mutter.

“Raven Wright, if Khamari turns to the darkness, if he gives Alexander the tablet, will you kill him?”

“I’ll save him from himself.” I smile. “But I won’t let my fear win.”

“Fear?” Khamari asks.

“Fear of my powers. Of my darkness. I’ll find a way, but Khamari, you and I know Alexander isn’t planning to use it for world peace.”

Khamari nods. “I won’t fight, and I refuse to hurt you.”

“I know that.” He’d proven that when he refused to fight me in France.

The golden orbs that float around us glow more brightly, morphing into a human-like form. Our boat quickly moves up past the mist and the creepy eyes that nearly drove us apart disappear.

…

Four hours have passed since our last adventure. We entered another gate, and the daylight returned when we came upon nine shrines. Thankfully, the boat didn’t stop, but there was a ceremony in place where gods and goddesses seemed to protect Ra from something. There was another gate that depicted good and evil. Transparent souls smiled with victory, and clutched in their hands were the ostrich feathers. They waded in the river, whispering words of encouragement to us.

“Trust yourself. Love yourself. Love your brother.”

Then there were the ones who didn’t do so well. Two souls were bound together, facing the other directions and bound by a jackal-headed pillar, waiting for their final death.

“What will happen to them?” Khamari whispers to me.

A large man with a scythe swings it up and then viciously lops off their heads.

“You know we’re going to need a lot of therapy after this, right?” I say.

Khamari doesn’t answer, just stares at the poor, unfortunate souls, and I know he thinks that’s his fate.

…

We’re in the ninth hour now.

It’s so dark, but I see Khamari’s face clearly. He’s giving me the look, soft and unguarded, so very different from the Khamari from a few hours ago.

The boat sways back and forth as we sail down the river, soothing the frayed adrenaline that slowly seeps away.

“Why are you staring at me?” I break our silence.

“Do you really want me to say what I’m thinking?” He raises one of his eyebrows.

I shake my head. I know what he wants. Something that I’m too afraid to give to him, or anyone else for that matter.

He sighs, but then his lips tighten, and his eyes stay on me, his attention unwavering. “Is there any hope that you’ll ever forgive me?”

My mouth drops open. His bluntness is shocking, scary, and exciting. “I already said I’ve forgiven you for taking my memories. I just won’t forget. Ever.”

And isn’t that ironic?

“I would never do that to you again. But I’m talking about right now. You’re upset with my decision about the tablet.”

“There’s nothing to forgive if you hand over the tablet. But back to my memories.”

“I thought you forgave me?”

“I have, but I want to tell you why I was upset. I…I want to be honest. It’s not just the violation, but when you did that, and then pretended not to know me, it feels like you didn’t choose me.”

“C-choose you?” His voice squeaks like a boy hitting puberty.

“You chose your vampire family. You chose to become vampire royalty. And what’s worse, you chose to leave me behind.”

Khamari kneels between my legs and wraps his arms around my waist. “That’s not true. I thought about you all the time. Every night I struggled at the thought of visiting your dreams, just to recreate our memories, but I didn’t want to hurt or confuse you. I was desperate to see you. That’s why I snuck away just to glimpse you. But when you saw me again for what you thought to be the first time”—he strokes my cheek—“I knew I made the wrong choice. I wanted to hold you, touch you, but I had no right because I’d made myself a stranger.”

He hugs me tight.

I’m silent. Not because I’m uninterested. I’m drawn to everything he’s confessing, and I need, need, need to hear more.

“I trust you. In fact, I want to tell you that my powers are growing. It’s been out of control since I was forced to bring Alexander back.”

“What can you do now?” I ask softly. I lean against him, resting my cheek on his shoulder.

“If I’m able to tap into someone’s mind, I can sometimes…figure out what they’re thinking. Mostly impressions, but it’s like I can get the gist. And I…I can make them think things. Though I’m not powerful at that skill just yet.”

Steadying my breath, I digest this new information.

Another form of manipulation. Another way to manipulate me.

Maybe he’s convincing me to fall in love again. My anger mounts, and I give voice to my silent accusation.

“Well, you know, practice makes perfect.” I back away from his embrace.

He pulls me back into his arms. This time I’m stiff as a board.

“Raven…” He sighs and says it in a way that pierces the armor around my heart. That was another reason I hadn’t wanted him to call me Raven at first. It reminded me of love. Our love .

“I don’t want to argue with you again. You said you don’t trust me, so I’m telling you because I want you to know all about me. I know I’m a monster.”

The sincerity ringing in his tone calms my anger. My fears. Well, just a little. “You aren’t a monster. You’re just…powerful, I guess. Scarily so.”

“I won’t use it to hurt people. Only when necessary.”

“And when would that be?” I lean back to observe his reaction.

“When I can save lives. Human lives.”

I shake my head and shrug. “Fine.”

“Fine?”

“What?” I shrug. “It’s not like you can control the powers you have.”

God knows I understand that. Exhibit A, me being a freaking vampire slayer.

“I know you…you have feelings for Anton.”

“He’s a friend, Khamari, I absolutely do not —” I try to pull away.

He pulls me back.

“But I know you love me, too. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have followed me all the way to the Netherworld.”

I shake my head, try to deny, but the boom-boom-thwak of my heartbeat gives me away. My hands are shaking. My mind wants to deny him.

Trying to suppress the lies I’ll tell, my lips quiver.

Struggling is useless. And logic? Ignored.

None of it matters because he knows.

He knows.

He knows I’ve never stopped. My mind—yes. But never my heart.

“I’m going to fight for you,” he vows. “Fight for us. I won’t give up on you on or us because you deserve everything.”

Tears roll down, landing on my bottom lip. “I-I…I won’t say it back.”

“You won’t say it,” he accuses. “But you feel it. I erased your memories, but not what’s in your heart.” He rests his hand on my chest. His lips, a mere inch from mine. “Trust me. Please?” he asks, his voice hoarse. “I won’t let you down again.”

The boat picks up speed. So does my heartbeat. I pull his hand away from my chest. “No, I…I can’t do this.”

Khamari nods and stands from his kneeling position. “Whether we’re together or not, you don’t ever have to wonder what love is, because I will love you for the rest of our lives.”

“I…” My sentence trails off when some florescent-green bug hurtles toward us.

Suddenly, it stops and hovers.

“It’s a scarab.” Khamari’s body locks. “Don’t move.”

“What the—?” I stop myself from finishing when the scarab strikes Khamari’s chest like a hammer.

Khamari’s eyes go wide, reflecting the green glow from the scarab. “R-aven.”

His eyes roll back, then he hits the floor. The scarab burrows straight through his chest.

“Khamari!” Hands on his chest, I search for that fucking bug that scuttled inside. There are no lumps, no entry wounds. Just smooth skin and no sign of a killer bug in sight.

“I don’t see it,” I screech, but he’s calm—his eyes are closed, and his mouth is relaxed without a hint of pain.

“Wake up!”

Khamari’s not sleeping. He’s under attack.

And there’s nothing I can do. I’ve got no skills with the mind stuff.

“Khamari.” I shake his shoulders. “Wake up. Wake up, please!”

“He’s transitioning.”

I drag out my knife before I turn to face the intruder.

“Who are you?”

While my hand remains on Khamari’s chest, I point my knife toward a beautiful woman with hair so dark it looks like a blend of midnight black and deep purple. On top of her head is a golden cobra, its hood flared, as if mid-strike.

She laughs. “You humans always ask the wrong questions. Who am I? Man, woman, god, does it matter?”

I stare at the god, and I hear their name but in my head—Menhan.

“What’s wrong with Khamari?”

“One of you is required to undergo the full journey of Ra. Ra himself chose Khamari to undergo a deep sleep. He will awake in the tenth hour.”

I move my hand away from his chest and check the pulse at his neck. He’s breathing, blood pumping. He’s fine, save for the insect that’s swirling inside of him.

“Why is he sleeping?” And what does Ra want from him?

“He requires it. He will need it for the journey to come.”

“And let me guess what’s in the journey to come…more snakes?”

The god laughs, low and without humor. “Yes. Embrace the creature. Did a snake not protect you from Seker? Did it not divert you from you plunging into the lake of boiling water?”

“I…guess?”

“You should embrace the cobra because you are like it.”

“I’m not a snake,” I hiss. And no, I do not miss the irony.

Neither did the god, based on the small smile that curves her red lips.

“Are you not ready to strike at any moment to protect those you love? Does your rage not fill you with venom? So potent that darkness cloaks and clouds and chokes you?”

Denial climbs up my throat and out of my mouth. “I’m getting better—”

“You are not,” the god proclaims. “And you will not until you trust yourself and forgive those who have harmed you.”

I look down at Khamari and squeeze my eyes shut. “Look, Khamari and I have a complicated history.”

“It’s not only your vampire. You are angry at the world.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You are,” the god argues calmly. “You are angry with your grandmother.”

“Hold up now. I love Grandma Lou.”

“That may be true, but you hold resentment in your heart. Your anger stems from her failure to disclose her origins and the true story of your mother and grandfather. You are angry at Paris for giving you the Maximus powers…no.” She shakes her head. “You are angry with your Architect.”

I snort, can’t deny that. “Well, he forced this whole slayer and then Maximus thing on me. Set me on the path to find a guy who would later become my mortal enemy. I’ve got cause for my anger.”

“As Maximus, you will decide for the world. Decisions that will have lasting effects for generations to come. Some will live because of your decisions and others will die.” Her dark, kohl-lined eyes bore into mine, as deep as that damn scarab in Khamari’s chest.

“But you know this already. Your decisions led to a friend’s demise.”

My memories flash back to Dee, coughing up blood. Me staring as I witness the light of life dim from her eyes.

“No. She was always fated to die by your side. I speak of the slayer who betrayed you.”

Ah. Dakota, the traitor . Still didn’t take away the pang I feel every time I think of her.

I try not to think of her.

“Dakota made her own decisions.”

“Yes.” She nods. “But you made the choice to alter her memories. Just as Khamari had done to you.”

“No.” I hear the brokenness in my voice. The denial.

The guilt.

It feels like a coil is winding around my throat. I can’t get enough air. My heart…hurts. It bleeds. And it fills up my chest, my lungs. Curling my hand into a fist, I rub my chest so hard it chafes my skin.

The god narrows her eyes, like she knows she hit the target.

Defiance surges inside of me. “If I would have let her go, she would’ve caused more chaos!”

“Yes.” She nods, simply. “Rest assured you made the decision that saved many lives.”

Khamari made the decision to let me go and spare my life. Grandma Lou had no idea her past would come clawing back. In fact, she moved us to nowhere, Texas, to ensure that we lived a life of peace, away from the population where vampires would be most drawn.

“The venom inside of you doesn’t just hurt others, it hurts you. Let the poison drain from you. It only impedes your progress.”

I nod as something wet hits my cheeks. My tears, my pain.

I don’t need a read from a god to know I’m screwed up. That I can’t access my full power source until push past the mental blocks. But I still can’t seem to get past it because I know it’ll happen again and again.

And if I let all my hate and anger go, then how will I remember to not repeat the mistakes others have done to me?

How easy will it be to rely on power but not feeling?

To rely on the greater good instead of caring about the hearts and minds of the few people who still love me?

Don’t they matter? Don’t I matter?

I don’t think it’s fair for one person to have so much power.

“It matters. You matter,” the god answers my silent questions.

The truth is ripped from my soul. “I don’t want to be hurt…or hurt anyone.”

“I cannot comfort you with this. Whether you are a slayer or just a human, you will experience pain and inflict it upon others. But the pain isn’t the end. You must restore yourself and where you can help others if they allow. But you must be active in your healing. You have all the power.”

I look down at my hands, the stone, the source of my power.

“No, Maximus. Power is beyond the stone. Own it. Feel it. You’ve met your higher self. She is like your Architect. Shrouded, it seems, in darkness. But she is powerful. Now, you must trust her.”

“H-how—”

“We are entering the tenth hour.” The god looks ahead at a sea of darkness. “Khamari will rise. I will be here,” the god promises as she vanishes from my sight.

“Sure.”

There’s a vast light ahead that cuts into the darkness.

“Raven.” Khamari squeezes my hand.

“Khamari! You’re back.” I drag my thumb over his forehead.

“How long was I—”

He doesn’t get to finish his statement. I don’t let him. I kiss him, deep, pouring all the love and hate.

He kisses me back, and I feel the poison draining away from me. I’m so damn tired of being mad.

He lifts himself from the ground, staring at me like I’m in a dream.

“Am I still sleeping?”

I shake my head.

“Dying?” he croaks.

“I mean, you’ve got a scarab thingy in your chest.” I tap his chest. “Do you feel something crawling inside of you?”

Khamari shakes his head, unconcerned that a freaking insect melded inside of him.

Then he cups the back of my neck, inches close, his nose bumping against my cheek. He kisses my neck, my chin, my lips—devouring me.

He’s hungry, and so am I.

I tug at his jeans.

“Raven, maybe we should—”

“We’ve got time,” I whisper in a hoarse voice. I don’t know if we have time, but I honestly don’t care. I deserve a break. We’re in total darkness. No one is around, unless that god is lurking out there, being a creeper. If so, she’s in for a show.

His eyes are glowing, transforming from a warm brown to a golden light.

“Your eyes. They’re glowing.”

“Sorry.” He closes his eyes.

“I don’t care. I know who you are.”

Khamari yanks my shirt and pulls me against him. After he lowers me to the deck of the ship, he slows his breathing. Slows us down by grabbing my wrists before I can embrace him.

“Don’t stop.”

“If I should…if I go, I want you to remember this. Remember that I put your needs before my own. Even when the world is burning around us.”

The warm truth of his words hits me square in my chest like a baby cupid with an arrow.

His fingers slide down my shoulders. He feels soft and sure and right. His breath heats my skin as he follows the journey of his fingertips. But the journey stops at my chest. He grips me there, not soft but firm.

I’m on fire.

I kiss his chin, his cheek, rewarding him for hitting all the right spots.

When I try to flip him over, he locks his thighs around my waist, his forearms on either side of my head. He lowers his head to my neck and buries his laughter into the vee of my neck. I feel his laughter—from the heat of his chest, the deep, honeyed warmth in his tone.

“What are you laughing at?” I ask.

He lifts himself up. His fingers twine around my hair.

“At you. You’re always impatient, fighting for control, when I all ever want is for you to stay where you are.”

“I’m here.”

“Yeah…you are.” He lowers his lips to mine. My heart unlocks and leaps. Memories of who we were, what we could’ve been, haunt me.

We’re too young for this burden. We deserve better. Tears blur my eyes.

“Queen.” He stops kissing my lips and kisses my cheek soft and quick.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to kiss the past away. I can’t keep up with your tears.”

Can’t keep up with the past? We shouldn’t have to. But the past haunts me. The present burns me. The future scares me.

“I don’t know what I’m doing…or…or where I’m going,” I confess.

“Stop saying goodbye before we begin again.”

“We’re starting over?”

“Every time I come to your dreams, every time I’ve followed you, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. To say hello again. To make you fall in love with me…again.”

I swallowed at his confession. “It, um…it worked.”

“Then let me get to work.” He smiles against my lips.

“Go for it.”

He wastes no time, shrugs off his pants, and I do the same.

“Hey…Raven.” His predatory eyes glint even more in the dark.

“Yeah?”

“No matter what, I’ll always come back for you.”

He rocks into me. The wood rubs rough against my back as a groan escapes my throat.

God, he feels just right. Just right. He whispers in my ear, loving, encouraging. He needs me, wants me.

He won’t let me go.

I melt against him—his vows set me ablaze, releasing me from the prison of responsibilities.

Heat surrounds us. My hands easily slide against the sweat on his back. I can’t get a grip, but I don’t have to. He’s got me.

He lifts and rolls us over. “Finally, you’re giving me control.”

He stares at me, eyes glinting, lips curving into a smirk. “Look at my Raven…flying.”

He rubs my back, and I hiss. Then I realize why he rolled us over.

“Don’t…” I can’t finish. Something that feels like a storm gathers inside of me—impatient and dangerous.

He shoots us over the edge.

“Khamari!”

“I love you.” His large hands move my hair away from my face.

Emotion clogs my throat. I want to say it back, but I can’t. A tear escapes my eye and rolls down my cheek.

“I know.” He nods. “You don’t have to say it back. I know you love me, too.” He puts his forehead against mine and then kisses me.

I nod without energy and stand, still grappling with my words and my feelings.

“How’s your back?” he asks, and I so appreciate him changing the subject.

“F-fine.” It’s a little raw, but it’ll be fine in an hour. Nothing worth worrying him over.

We both put on our clothes.

“While you were sleeping, someone came to visit. Told me you would wake up soon. Do you remember anything?”

He shakes his head. “It’s one of those things that I know something happens, but I can’t figure out what.”

“I’m sure it’ll…come to us.” I look over his shoulders. My eyes grow wide as my heart damn near freezes in my chest. “This is worse than that snake and a fireball.”

“What’s worse?” he asks before he looks over his shoulder. “Damn.”

“Yeah. Damn.”

“It’s Aphosis,” Khamari says. “I know what we’ve got to do.”