4. Rowan

4

ROWAN

R owan stood in front of the mirror as a seamstress tucked and pinned the delicate white silk at her hem. Her grief showed in her wan appearance and the dark circles under her eyes. Sleep had been a challenge between Aeoife's nightly presence in her bed and Rowan's own nightmares.

The white silk dress made her look like a ghost. It was the first garment made specifically for Rowan instead of a hand-me-down. Something inherited wouldn't do for a new gift to the Wolf.

Rowan felt numb. She was so caught up in the whirlwind of becoming acting Red Maiden that there was little time to grieve Orla. Time marched on. Death stopped for no man or woman.

The village was restless over the blight. Frantic whispers followed Rowan whenever she walked through town. People looked at her like she was their salvation. She floated through her days like she was living a visceral nightmare.

Rowan winced as another needle jabbed her ankle.

"Sorry, dear," the seamstress mumbled. She blotted the blood before it could stain the fabric. She came to stand next to Rowan, and they both stared into the mirror.

"What do you think?" the seamstress inquired.

"Where is the rest of it?" Rowan asked.

She was meant to look tempting, but the dress left very little to the imagination. The delicate white silk did nothing to keep out a chill. Lace accented a sweetheart neckline that curved around her full breasts, and a slit up the right leg nearly reached her hip, leaving her assets more on display than ever.

"I'll freeze before I reach Wolf's Keep," Rowan murmured.

"Nonsense. You'll be moving quickly and singing. You'll have your red cloak, so you'll be plenty warm," Mrs. Teverin said.

Mrs. Teverin had tutored Rowan since she first came to the tower. She was a formidable woman, her family having served as the official tutors of Red Maidens for generations. The tutor had an air of authority that even urged the elders to sit up straighter. She was not known for her patience or kindness. Mrs. Teverin's idea of warmth was using their names instead of just calling them each "Red." Rowan looked at the deep creases in the woman's olive skin and wondered exactly how many Maidens she'd sent to their death.

Rowan tugged on the lace, trying to get it to cover more of her cleavage. She was grateful she'd left Cade to keep Aeoife company. She couldn't imagine what he'd say about her new look.

"Honestly, Rowan. I don't know what you're fussing about. You have a beautiful body that the Wolf is sure to find very pleasing," Mrs. Teverin scolded.

"It's just that I'll be in front of the whole town first," Rowan said.

Mrs. Teverin frowned in confusion. "You are a sacred vessel. If anyone from town has impure thoughts in seeing you, that's between them and the Mother."

Rowan shrugged, and the sleeves slid down her shoulders. She shivered as she stared at her reflection. She'd expected to somehow look different, but she was met with the same bright green eyes, wide with fear and anxiety. Her auburn hair was pinned up neatly in an intricate hairstyle to practice for the night of and for the elders to give final approval of the sacrifice before she was sent into the woods in a few days.

"Are you ready for me to let the elders in for their approval? They're busy men, and they haven't got all day. I understand it's an adjustment, but you're probably as comfortable as you'll ever be, Rowan," Mrs. Teverin cautioned.

Rowan swallowed hard and nodded.

"Good girl," Mrs. Teverin said, nodding her approval.

Rowan stood still as Mrs. Teverin opened the door and the five elders entered. They circled her like sharks taking in pathetic prey.

Elder Garrett, the newest and youngest of the elders, paused in front of her. His gaze passed over her slowly, making her skin crawl. If he didn't look so delighted at her discomfort, she might have found him handsome. He couldn't have been older than thirty, with smooth, pale skin, dark brown hair, and even darker eyes. The predatory way his gaze followed her, even when her hood was up, had always made Rowan so uncomfortable, but this was much worse.

"Can we make the bust any tighter?" he asked the seamstress.

"Sir, if we make it much tighter, it might split when she moves," the seamstress said tentatively. Still, she moved behind Rowan and tugged on the strings at the back of the dress so that it clung to her breasts even more.

As the men nodded in approval, Rowan's cheeks burned and she wished she was anywhere else. The Dark Wood might have been preferable to being leered at by a group of men, most of whom were old enough to be her father.

"You've done a marvelous job, Mrs. Teverin. I'll expect Rowan to meet me in my office at noon on Friday for last-minute approval," Elder Garrett said.

Alarm bells rang in Rowan's head because the words sounded like a threat, but Mrs. Teverin nodded as if nothing was amiss, so Rowan simply clasped her shaking hands.

With that, the men filed out of the room, and Rowan let out the breath she'd been holding since the seamstress tightened her dress.

"No need to be nervous, dear. The worst is over," Mrs. Teverin sighed.

Rowan wished that was true.

"I hope you appreciate me making an exception to my rule of going into this monstrosity," Cade said as he stepped into the Temple of the Mother and sneered at the white marble aisle leading up to the altar.

"Thank you for suffering through the view of an extravagant temple, Cade. Your friendship knows no bounds," Rowan said dryly, making her way down the aisle toward the elders' offices behind the sanctuary.

They had jammed her entire week with final tutoring sessions on manners, etiquette, and sexual instruction. She'd learned more sex positions than she ever thought possible, and every time, she felt a strange humiliation for needing to be tutored in intimacy to begin with.

She fidgeted in front of Elder Garrett's door. She'd been dreading this final approval since he'd mentioned it on Wednesday.

A warning Orla had once given her rang in her ears. " Be careful with Elder Garrett. Try not to be alone with him if you can avoid it. " Orla had always been private, so it wasn't surprising that she gave Rowan no further context.

"I don't like this," Cade said, leaning against the doorframe. "Let's just go play in the woods. It's not like they're going to send Aeoife instead. They can't exactly choose to send no one, and the Wolf is clearly already pissed. You're their only option."

"What do you think happens if I ignore his request?" she challenged. "You didn't need to come."

Cade shivered, his hazel eyes shifting down the hallway behind her. "I know. This place gives me the creeps. It feels more like a tomb than a place of worship. I just have a bad feeling about this."

She sighed. Cade having a "bad feeling" was not a good sign, but she didn't see how she could leave now.

She knocked on the door and sighed as Elder Garrett's voice beckoned her in.

"Rowan, you're right on time." Elder Garrett smiled. "Come in. Have a seat on the settee."

He got up from behind his desk and crossed the room. He sat so close to Rowan that their thighs brushed. She scooted away so there was slightly more space between them.

"What do you need for your final approval, Elder Garrett? I'm sorry to say that Mrs. Teverin has me on quite a tight schedule today, and I need to be back for extra afternoon prayer and meditation soon," she said.

Elder Garrett smiled wolfishly. "How devout of you. You can take off your cloak. It's just the two of us, and I've already seen you."

She cautiously slid her hood back and loosened the ties on her cloak before shrugging it onto the settee next to her.

"That's better. Now tell me, do you feel prepared for your journey?" He rested a hand on her knee.

"Whoa, what's he doing?" Cade asked.

She shot the demon a dirty look.

"Sir?" Rowan looked at the elder's hand, unsure if this was some kind of final test she needed to pass. "No man is supposed to touch me before the Wolf."

His hand slid slightly higher, the heat of it like a brand, even through the thick wool of her dress. "Yes, but whose job do you think it is to give you a final inspection to ensure we aren't sending the Wolf a tainted Maiden?"

Rowan's mouth went dry. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

Even as she said the words, dread settled in her stomach like a stone.

"I need to inspect your body to make sure that no man has had what belongs to the Wolf," Elder Garrett said matter-of-factly.

Rowan looked toward the door, every muscle in her tensed, preparing to run.

He clicked his tongue. "Rowan, this is standard procedure. If it wasn't, Mrs. Teverin wouldn't have sent you here now."

If that was true, why hadn't Mrs. Teverin warned her this would happen? She'd prepared Rowan for likely scenarios with the Wolf. She'd learned how to please any appetite the Wolf might possess, but never once had anyone suggested that she'd be subjected to a final—apparently physical—inspection by one of the elders.

"Ah, you're just trying to be obedient, I understand. Mrs. Teverin doesn't tell the girls so that we can ensure that they've complied. It's about free will and a test of character," Elder Garrett said. "We need to know that our Red Maidens are chaste and pious without the threat of being found out. Choices matter, Rowan. You have free will."

She nearly laughed at the idea of choice. As if she'd ever had a choice to be something other than what she was. She would have chosen anything else.

"You could have easily experimented with a boy from the village by now," Elder Garrett continued. "You're twenty years old, and it wouldn't be unheard of for you to experience urges. You're a beautiful woman and a commodity. I'd be shocked if men hadn't propositioned you by now."

Rowan shook her head. "Sir, I assure you. I've never done anything like that."

Elder Garrett caught her trembling chin in his hand. "While I'm sure that you're telling the truth, I wouldn't be doing my job if I took you at your word. I wouldn't be doing my duty to the Mother and the people of Ballybrine if I didn't make absolutely certain. Now, I need you to take off your dress."

Rowan cringed. Only a man like Elder Garrett would think that his duty to the Mother required violating her.

"Sir, I really don't think that Mrs. Teverin would want me to. She was very emphatic that I shouldn't let any man touch me or see me in any state of undress. If this is some kind of test, I?—"

Elder Garrett squeezed her chin harder. "Consider this a test of your obedience to your elders. Now stand up and take off your dress so I can inspect you. I won't touch, but I need to look."

Rowan stood slowly and clumsily tried to work the buttons on the front of her bodice. The elder's hungry gaze burned into her, and she closed her eyes to shut him out. When she reached the bottom button, she dropped her hand, bunching her fingers nervously in the fabric of her dress.

"Open your eyes and hold your dress open so I can see," Elder Garrett said. He took a step toward her, and she instinctively stepped back, bumping against his desk. The room suddenly felt much too small, and she wished she was anywhere else. "Rowan, hold your dress open so I can inspect your breasts—and open your eyes. You're making this more difficult than it needs to be."

She swallowed, but she couldn't bear to open her eyes.

"Fine," Elder Garrett barked. "Your hesitance is defiance. I'm going to need to do a physical inspection to be sure. Come here."

Rowan's eyes shot open, and she stared at him. "Sir?"

"This is insane. Don't do that," Cade snapped.

She looked at the demon desperately, her hand clutching at the gaping neckline of her dress, unsure what choice she had. She couldn't exactly storm out in such a disheveled state.

"What does the examination entail?" She hated the way her voice shook.

Elder Garrett smiled. "The Mother will give me the vision to see what I need to see—any sins."

Cade laughed. "No way, Rowan. Run! Get out of here! There's no way the Mother would sanction a creepy man looking at a young virgin to make sure she's pure. Ask him how he knows what the Mother wants."

"How—how do you know the Mother wants that?" Rowan asked.

Elder Garrett's brow drew in, and his face pinched. "You dare to question me, girl!"

He backhanded her so fast she landed in a heap on the floor. She sat up, rubbing her smarting jaw.

"Kneel," Elder Garrett gritted out.

Rowan met his gaze with barely contained fury. She forced herself to kneel.

"Pull your dress open. You should be grateful I'm willing to do this. I am a prophet of the Mother, and you'll do whatever I say, whenever I say to do it."

She choked down the shame as her hands came to the top of her dress. She couldn't get them to move. Elder Garrett swallowed hard as he watched. Rowan trembled so violently she worried she'd pass out.

"Look at me," Elder Garrett commanded. She blinked away humiliated tears as she met his eyes. "This is between me, you, and the Mother. Even if you tell someone else, they won't believe you. You're nothing but death's whore. Now open your dress."

Rowan was frozen in terror.

"No way! Don't do that, Row! This is too messed up, even for me," Cade said. "Tell him the Mother is speaking to you, and she's angry."

"S-s-sir, the Mother is speaking to me, and she's furious," Rowan said shakily.

Elder Garrett's eyes went wide. "You dare to blaspheme! You little liar! You're further gone than I realized! Don't worry. I'll give you a comprehensive cleansing?—"

Before he could move, Cade shoved everything off of the elder's desk and threw a glass vase across the room.

"Goddess above!" Elder Garrett shouted. His wide eyes met Rowan's. "You did this!"

"Sir, I didn't. The Mother's will be done," Rowan said reverently.

Elder Garrett stared at her, his face red with fury, but his eyes showed a hint of fear. "Get out of my sight before I change my mind."

Rowan shot to her feet and stumbled out the door with her cloak in hand. She tugged it tight around her still-unbuttoned bodice and didn't stop to button it until she was safely inside Maiden's Tower. She leaned her head back against the wall in the hallway, and Cade stood next to her.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"That man is a problem," Cade grumbled. "These elders are all pretenders. I'm more devout than they are. He just wanted to jerk off on your virgin tits."

Rowan's stomach turned over at the thought of it. The act was one of the things she'd been taught about in tutoring as it was something the Wolf might demand, but experiencing the threat of it firsthand from another was degrading.

Her mind spun wildly. "I have to get out of here. I need air. I feel like I'm suffocating."

She fumbled with the rest of the buttons on her dress as Mrs. Teverin walked around the corner. She drew up short when she saw how disheveled Rowan looked.

"Mrs. Teverin, it's not what it looks like—" Rowan started.

"I wasn't born yesterday, Rowan, and I know enough to suspect what it is. Are you all right?" It was the first time the woman had been the least bit compassionate with her.

"I wasn't really supposed to let him do anything to me, was I?" Rowan asked.

Mrs. Teverin gave her a grim smile. "No, you weren't. Don't you worry. He'll keep his mouth shut because he knows what's good for him. If he doesn't, I'll have something to say about it. Forget your afternoon plans. Take some time for yourself and calm down."

"Thank you, Mrs. Teverin," Rowan said.

It was the smallest kindness, but it meant the world to Rowan. She took off down the hall before the woman could change her mind, swapping her red cloak for the plain green one she used when she snuck out. Then she tore through town until she reached Finn's apartment. She frantically banged on the door until it flew open.

"Rowan, what's wrong?" Finn asked. "Come in."

He beckoned her inside and peeked down the hall to make sure no one had seen her before closing the door.

"I need your help, Finn. I—" She felt ready to burst with rage and panic.

"What happened?" Finn asked.

Rowan burst into tears as she explained what Elder Garrett had done.

"He had no right to do that, and he should never have put you in that position. He needs to be held accountable." Finn jumped to his feet.

Rowan caught his hand and pulled him back down. "Finn, it's my word against his. No one but you will believe me. And if they find out, it could ruin me. He could lie and say that I'm impure or that I've laid with a man and confessed it to him. It would put both me and Aeoife at risk."

"We can't let this stand. We have to do something!" Finn said.

Rowan understood his outrage. He'd never met a problem he couldn't solve with wealth, influence, or courage. She might have been accustomed to powerlessness, but Finn was new to it.

"Finn, I can't move through the world as you do. You're the first son of a lord, and I'm no one. I can't count on anyone to listen to me?—"

The furrow in Finn's brow softened and his shoulders relaxed. He cupped her face in his hands. "You're not no one to me," he said. "You're everything, Row. I—" He stopped himself, but she could practically hear the unspoken words.

It was selfish to want to hear them when she didn't feel the same way. Still, she longed for them. She clung to the hope in those words like it was an anchor.

He tucked her hair behind her ear and left his hand on her cheek, the tender touch in contrast to the rough, callused feel of his palm. She didn't mind that the only gentleness in her life came with its own rough edges. It suited her just fine.

Rowan wasn't certain that she wanted Finn as much as she was certain she wanted to choose something for herself. The words burst out of her before she could stop them.

"Finn, will you take me to bed?"

His eyes went wide in surprise, but he said nothing.

Rowan blushed and pressed on. "I know what you're thinking. Yes, I'm terrified by what happened, but you're the only person I trust with this. You'll be gentle and kind. I know you care about me, and I want this. I want just one thing in my life to be a choice."

Finn looked for a moment like he might give in, but then he ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "Row, I'm sorry. It's not that I don't want to. Trust me, I do. But I would be no better than Elder Garrett if I did that."

Rowan stood with a start. "Yes, you would. I'm asking you to. He tried to take with no permission. I have no power over anything in my life. I've never asked you for anything. Please, just let me make this choice for myself. Everything else in my life just happens to me, but this is something I could choose ."

Finn faltered as he stood and stopped her pacing. "You're going to survive this," he insisted. "You're going to make it to five years, and I'm going to make an honest woman of you. I want to marry you, Rowan."

Too many years had passed since a Red Maiden had survived her five-year term for Rowan to believe she'd be an exception, or that the words were anything but a romantic promise to a doomed woman.

She needed him to see reason—force him, even, to see the fact that she'd never particularly wanted marriage, which seemed more a prison than a boon to her.

Though Finn differed from most men in Ballybrine, she was certain they didn't want the same things. He saw her wild wandering as charming now, but it was clear he'd want her settled once they were married. All men wanted a wild woman until it was time to be tame. After being controlled her whole life, she couldn't imagine willingly agreeing to be docile forever. She couldn't imagine herself as the Lady Ashand, hosting stifling parties for fancy lords and ladies in Ballybrine.

Still, she let Finn entertain the fantasy because it was easier than trying to say goodbye to him.

Rowan met his blue eyes. He cupped her face in his hands, tilted her chin up, and kissed her. She'd never been kissed before. His lips were soft and warm against hers.

Finn tangled his hands in her hair as her heart beat against her rib cage like it was trying to escape. She gripped his shirt, pulling him closer. He tasted like peppermint—a fresh and invigorating taste that suited him so well she found herself eager for more. Her hands bunched in his tunic.

Finn's hands clasped around her wrists, and he pulled away.

"Rowan, I can't do more," he whispered breathlessly. He brushed a hand through his hair in frustration. "It's not that I don't want to. Trust me, I do. But I won't break a rule that could get you into trouble. I'm a believer. I'm not selfish enough to be the reason the Wolf is unhappy and comes to town to reap souls. My greatest fear is that you would be the one to pay for such a sin. Rowan, I want to, but I will not risk you or anyone else to satisfy a passing desire. I know you are afraid, but we will have plenty of time when your service is over, and I will make it up to you."

Rowan turned away and leaned her forehead against the cool, rough stone of the wall. Despair crept into her.

"I'm sorry," Finn whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder.

She shrugged it off. "It's fine. It was silly of me to ask," she said tightly. She grabbed her cloak and started toward the door, but Finn blocked her way.

"Please don't be mad at me," he begged.

Rowan frowned, stepping farther away from him. "Please don't ask me to give you absolution when I'm the one who's terrified. Tomorrow I'm going to march through the Dark Wood alone, with a bunch of spirits on my tail. I'll walk by the place where one of my only friends in this world died just a week ago. I'll go to Wolf's Keep, singing like my life depends on it. And then I'll be subjected to whatever depraved thing he wants. I'll never know what it is to be treated with compassion or gentleness. I may never get a chance to know what it is to be touched by someone who cares for me. If I have to deal with that knowledge, you may as well share the burden."

Rowan yanked on her cloak and pushed by him, slamming the door before he could say another word. As she cut through the cold afternoon, angry tears streamed down her face. She made her way back to the tower and snuck in through the servant's entrance, tucking her green cloak in its hiding place and making her way back to her practice and meditation space. She locked the door of the soundproof room and slumped to the floor.

Knees drawn into her chest, she buried her face in her hands and sobbed. She cried for the dream that Finn tried to sell her. She cried for the part of her that wanted to believe so badly that it could truly happen. Most of all, she cried because she wasn't even sure she'd want it if she could have it, and that made her feel like an ungrateful wretch.