14. Rowan

14

ROWAN

R owan stared miserably into her oatmeal, frustrated to be eating it back in her room at Maiden's Tower. Failure made her appetite elusive.

After she'd made it safely through the night at Wolf's Keep, Conor sent her back to Ballybrine without a second glance. He seemed wholly uninterested in her, and she'd never felt more aware of her lack of experience. When he left the room after kissing her, he'd looked afraid of her, but when he returned later, he was stoic and completely unmoved.

Now that she was certain he hadn't killed Orla, there was no barrier between them. When she thought about the kiss, a violent flush lit her from within and her skin prickled with goosebumps. She'd never felt so consumed by something. She didn't understand what she'd done wrong.

Conor was certainly distracted by things that he did not trust her enough to share. Rowan desperately needed to be more desirable.

Her thoughts spun like a tempest. Rowan barely noticed when Mrs. Teverin pushed into the room.

"Rowan, Elder Garrett wants to see you," Mrs. Teverin said. "I'll go with you."

Rowan nodded. She smoothed her dress and shuddered. She hadn't even seen the elder yet, but she already felt dirty.

"Relax, lass. I'll not let anything bad happen to you," Mrs. Teverin soothed.

Rowan followed her tutor out of the tower. Outside the sunlight was blinding. A cool pine-scented wind whipped across the square as they walked to the temple. Mrs. Teverin pulled the heavy temple door open and ushered Rowan inside. They paused in front of the large wood door to Elder Garrett's office.

Mrs. Teverin held her hand poised to knock and looked to Rowan, as if checking that she was ready. Rowan nodded.

The door swung open, and Elder Garrett was startled by the sight of the two of them. "Mrs. Teverin, this is a lovely surprise, though I'm afraid I have a private matter to discuss with Rowan."

Rowan kept her eyes focused on the gray swirls in the white marble floor, but still, she felt Elder Garrett's gaze like a weight on her shoulders.

"Yes, but I happened upon Rowan just after the last time I trusted you alone with her, and I understand some liberties were taken," Mrs. Teverin challenged. She crossed her arms and glared at him.

Rowan couldn't believe Mrs. Teverin addressed things so directly.

Elder Garrett, for his part, feigned confusion. "I'm quite certain I don't know what you mean," he said solemnly.

Rowan chewed her lower lip.

"I assure you that I would never behave inappropriately with a Red Maiden. This has to be a misunderstanding. Tell her, Rowan," Elder Garrett said.

Rowan finally met his eyes. A discordant sound struck the air around him, like a bunch of fiddles tuning up at once. Rowan tried not to cringe at the sound. Elder Garrett looked at her expectantly.

"She already knows the truth," Rowan said. "I'm not comfortable alone with you."

He frowned, his gaze focusing on Mrs. Teverin. His frenetic clanging energy surrounded the old woman like a bubble of sound. Rowan couldn't quite understand what was happening, but Mrs. Teverin's entire demeanor changed. Her arms dropped to her sides, and her face softened to a pleasant smile.

"Mrs. Teverin, would you mind leaving us to a private scripture lesson? I'll take good care of Rowan," Elder Garrett said sweetly.

Rowan expected the same bluster as before, but Mrs. Teverin smiled cheerfully and nodded. "Of course, Elder Garrett. You know best," she said before turning and leaving Rowan alone.

Rowan stared blankly after her tutor.

Elder Garrett laughed as he grabbed Rowan's arm and pulled her into the office. "You think you're so clever. You forget who I am. I told you that no one would believe you. Does it feel better to have it confirmed?"

The shock rendered Rowan breathless as Elder Garrett locked the office door and turned to face her.

"You've been quite petulant. I think perhaps I haven't chosen the right type of discipline yet. But we'll get it right this time," he said.

Rowan stilled as he walked behind her, unfastening her red cloak and tossing it aside. His hands came to the buttons at the back of her dress. He tore it open. The air rushed out of her lungs all at once, her whole chest threatened to cave in on itself. A violent tremor went through her body as he ran his fingers down her spine.

"Such perfect porcelain skin," Elder Garrett whispered. She tried not to flinch as he pinched her. "Look at the marvelous way it pinks so easily."

He picked up a switch from his desk, and Rowan swallowed hard. It was stupid to feel relieved, but she had endured enough physical pain that she felt prepared. What was one more wound in need of mending? Better her skin than her soul.

He gestured for her to turn toward the wall, and she did so obediently.

"Kneel," he said. "Don't look so sullen. If you didn't want this, you would have done your job. I'm starting to suspect you enjoy our sessions." He clicked his tongue. "But the Mother's will must be done. It's a hard lesson to teach, but hopefully, this will inspire you to spread your legs and do your job."

Rowan knelt, closed her eyes, and put her hands against the cold stone of the office wall. Her fear was quickly swallowed up by fury. She bowed her head so that her forehead rested on the backs of her hands.

He struck so quickly she barely had time to register the first stinging blow of the switch against her back. She bit her lip to keep from crying out. She refused to give him the satisfaction. She hoped he feared the Wolf enough not to risk marking her permanently.

Rowan swallowed her helpless rage and prayed to the Mother to save her. She waited hopefully as the elder brought the switch down against her burning skin again.

The Mother never came.

Bright sunshine blinded Rowan as soon as she pushed out of the temple. The skin on her back ached every time her cloak brushed against it, and shame turned her stomach. She worried she'd vomit right on the temple stairs.

Cade waited for her, leaning against the wall by the door.

"Where have you been? Your timing is impeccable," she said, clenching her fists at her sides.

Cade's face darkened. "What happened?"

"Elder Garrett happened, and there was nothing I could do," she huffed, brushing by her friend.

"There's always something you can do," Cade challenged.

Rowan spun to face him. Her rage was incendiary. "Is there? Was I supposed to kill him? Fight him off? Beg for mercy?" she countered. "You should have been there. You left me alone."

"I'm not your savior, Rowan," Cade snapped. "I'm a demon. Mother's tits! What do you want from me? I can't be by your side every second of every day on pervert patrol."

Rowan stared at him, her lower lip trembling. "Where were you?" she asked. "Seriously?"

Cade looked away. "Sometimes, there are things I have to do. I don't want to leave. I'm sorry I wasn't there. It's not that I don't want to be. I hate Elder Garrett. Do you know who I really envy? Whoever finally gets to send him to Wolf's Keep."

Rowan blinked back tears as she looked away.

"What happened, Row?" Cade asked.

She shook her head. She was ashamed. She knew it wasn't her fault, but somehow, she was the one suffering under the burden of shame.

Cade's face grew serious. "No. Tell me he didn't?—"

Rowan crossed her arms over her chest involuntarily.

"He did what he was going to last time?" Cade asked.

"He just beat me with a switch. It could have been worse." Rowan tried to lock everything up, but it sprang free. "I need a bath. I need someone to make sure it's not too bad."

For the first time, Cade looked genuinely worried. "You should tell the Wolf."

"Conor," she corrected.

"Whatever his name is, you should tell him."

"I'm not interested in being in his debt."

"Row—Elder Garrett, he's made a deal with a demon," Cade said.

Rowan froze and stared at him. "Like the bedtime story you told Aeoife? I thought you said that doesn't happen anymore."

"I said there's truth in every story. It happens less now than it used to. I'm not surprised that people aren't quick to explain that their successes are from deals with demons instead of hard work," Cade scoffed.

"How can humans make deals with demons if they can't even see you?" Rowan asked.

"We can appear out of necessity. For me, it feels like a sucking sensation—a magnetism that draws me toward a certain person. A normal human can only see us if they are in need of a bargain that plays to our particular gifts," Cade said.

Rowan stared at him in stunned confusion. "But no one else has ever spoken to you around me."

Cade arched a brow. "Doesn't mean they haven't seen me."

Rowan retraced all the times she'd been out around town with him, searching for proof that he was being honest. But she had no reason to doubt him and he had no reason to lie.

Her mouth went dry. "How do you know Elder Garrett has made a deal with a demon?"

Cade sighed and leaned against the wall. "I can smell it on him and see it in his aura. I don't know who he made it with or their proclivity, but it means that he has power, beyond what he has in Ballybrine with the elders. Without knowing exactly what deal he made, I can't say what it means, but if I had to guess, it must be some sort of persuasion. That would explain why even the elders don't see through him and how he's swiftly risen through their ranks."

"How is that allowed? What does it mean for me?" Rowan asked. "How have you never told me about this?"

Cade shook his head. "It never came up. Demons love to make deals like that because it feeds them. They get a little crumb of the dealmaker's soul—a touch of their life force. Something like that makes a demon more powerful while also giving the person a talent or gift they didn't have before or enhancing an affinity they already have. Row, they work in so many different ways it would be impossible for me to tell exactly what it is."

"Do you make deals like that?" Rowan asked.

"Not in a very long time," Cade said grimly.

"Why?"

"Because it's a gamble. I'm trading something, counting on the slice of soul giving me enough of a boost. Demons don't make deals unless they know they come out on the winning end of that kind of gamble. Also, my envy is such that it's hard to settle on one thing I want, which is kind of prohibitive to making deals. Whenever I think of something I'd like, I come up with something I want more. Anytime I get something I want, it instantly loses its luster. Being a demon isn't all it's cracked up to be," he said blandly.

Rowan stared at him. She tried not to look as horrified as she felt. They had rarely ever talked about the fact that he was a demon. It was the unspoken thing in every silence between them. It wasn't so much that Cade hid things, as she didn't bother to ask. She had no right to be mad at him for never sharing this particular inner working of his world.

Perhaps it was selfish of Rowan not to consider that the friend who'd spent years making her laugh and keeping her company might be someone else's monster.

"So what do I do about Elder Garrett?" she asked.

Cade threw his hands up. "You tell the Wolf."

"I've never needed someone else to solve my problems, and I won't start taking favors now. Plus, I have the Mother on my side," she said.

She hadn't told Cade about her deal with the Mother because she suspected he would disapprove and the Mother had asked her to keep it a secret. Still, the Mother's words restored her faith.

It was clear that Cade didn't know what to make of her newfound devotion to the Mother. "Yes, and what did she do for you just now? Did she save you?"

Rowan's anger was as bitter as unripened berries in her mouth. "No." They stared each other down. "She didn't save me from the monster in the woods, either."

"What monster?" Cade asked. His entire demeanor shifted from anger to curiosity.

"Some blood-sucking demon in the Dark Wood named Valen. Cade, he was on the trail. He wasn't supposed to be able to do that. I'd cut myself at Wolf's Keep, and Conor lost control and chased me?—"

"You bled in the Dark Wood?" Cade asked.

Rowan held up her hands, exasperated. "Not on purpose. It was certain death with the Wolf or take my chances in the Dark Wood. I almost made it."

"Row, slow down and tell me everything from the beginning."

Rowan stopped and looked at him. "Tell me where you were first."

Cade's mouth formed a grim line. "I can't."

"Then I have nothing to say. I have to bathe and then take meditation and rehearsal time," she huffed. She arched an eyebrow at Cade, daring him to argue. They stood locked in a stalemate for a moment. When she turned away, he didn't argue or try to follow her.

It was what she wanted, but somehow, it felt worse than ever to be left alone.

Rowan sat at the piano, trying to play a piece she knew by heart, but her fingers felt tangled up and her heart was too heavy to enjoy the levity of the music. Her wool dress scraped painfully against her tender back. The welts acted as a constant reminder of an invisible wound that threatened to pull her into a dark hopelessness from which there was no escape. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the memory.

She felt a sinking flood of grief fill her chest. She wished Orla was there to talk to.

Rowan settled her fingers over the keys again. Her grief came in minor chords and staccato notes that struck out of nowhere. It swelled, simmered, turned into tinkling background noise, and then swelled again until she was left as breathless as she was every time she walked by Orla's empty bedroom.

The sound in the room warped and shifted. There was a bright burst of light as the Mother appeared next to her.

Rowan gasped, and her hand flew to her mouth as she bit back a curse. "Goddess," she said, crossing her hands over her heart and bowing her head.

"Yes, yes, thank you. I don't have much time. How did it go this weekend?" the Mother asked, waving her hand dismissively.

"He still wouldn't take me to bed. I swear I tried. There was an incident in the Dark Wood?—"

"An incident?" the Mother asked, pursing her lips. Her golden curls bounced as she cocked her head to the side.

"I cut myself on some thorns, and the Wolf lost control and nearly killed me. I escaped into the Dark Wood, where I was attacked by a demon named Valen."

The Mother pressed her lips into a thin line. "I see." Her eyes focused on Rowan's neck.

Thanks to a salve from the Crone, the wound was already nearly healed over, leaving only a red imprint of teeth marks on her pale skin. Rowan stared at it in the mirror each morning. She'd expected the marks to be large and wild, the mark of a beast, but instead, they were small and neat and human. It was one more reminder of common monstrosity.

"You said you would protect me," Rowan said, her voice more accusatory than she intended.

The Mother wasn't angry. Her face was soft, conciliatory. "I'm sorry. Rowan, I'm going to tell you something that I'm ashamed to admit, but maybe it will give you an idea of the urgency of the situation."

Rowan nodded intently.

"Unfortunately, the rise of the new religion in the north has stolen many of my followers. We gods take our power from faith. It's what fuels us. Over the past few years, I've lost considerable power. It takes tremendous effort to keep the dark at bay. Things that used to be second nature now require intense concentration."

"Is that happening to the Wolf, too?" Rowan asked.

The Mother shook her head. "No, dear, people always believe in death. It's easy for him to hold onto his power because people die all the time."

Rowan swallowed hard. The Mother was becoming weaker as the Wolf's power remained unchanged. No wonder the Dark Wood and death itself were bleeding out into Ballybrine. Conor had been kind to her, but she was probably just naive to believe a few moments of kindness meant that he was innately good. Perhaps he could not help what he was, but that didn't make him any less dangerous.

"All of this is to say that I'm sorry that happened to you," the Mother continued. "I should have been there. I'm pulled in so many directions that I somehow missed it, and I shouldn't have. You are our greatest hope right now—our last good chance to stop what's already in motion. I'm counting on you, Rowan. Protecting you is my priority, and I will do better. How did you survive?"

The genuine curiosity on the goddess's face startled Rowan.

"I don't remember," she admitted. "I was dying, and I lost so much blood that I'm still weak now. The Wolf and one of his reapers arrived, but I hit the ground and lost consciousness. When I woke up, I was back in Wolf's Keep."

"That's all right. I was just curious," the Mother said. Her interest in Rowan seemed renewed. "I've never known him to save a Maiden before. Perhaps you've had more of an impact than you think."

Rowan blushed and looked away. Part of her hoped that was true, but underneath was a smaller, more insistent part of her that wished it wasn't. Saving the people of Ballybrine was a heavy weight to carry, even if it was one she'd been holding her whole life.

The burden of being Red Maiden was a passive one that required good manners and indifference to her own survival. Now the Mother wanted her to stand and fight; after a lifetime of being taught not to, it felt unnatural, even if the impulse to survive was one she'd always felt.

The idea of killing a god felt impossibly big. She couldn't wrap her mind around it.

Beyond that, it was frustrating to be raised in a community that asked her to only be strong at the exact time and in the exact way that it benefited them and to act meek the rest of the time. Her head spun from the dissonance between what she'd been taught to be, what they needed of her now, and what she knew herself to be.

"Stay the course, dear," the Mother said. "I know that feelings complicate things, but I trust you will find a way to make this happen. Now, I understand that Elder Garrett took advantage of his power. I promised to protect you and I let you down and for that, I'm sorry. It's difficult to be everywhere at once, and I was out saving one of the fishing ships from a storm. Your brother, Ryan, was aboard one, as I understand."

Panic swept over Rowan like a wave. Her older brother, Ryan, ran a fleet of fishing boats. "Is he all right?"

"Of course. But you understand, in the wake of my limited powers, I have to use my resources wisely. I assumed you would rather I save your brother's life." The goddess looked suddenly weary. "I hate that I can't save everyone from every bit of suffering, but the reality is that I have to make a lot of hard choices now. I'm sorry you were on the losing end of one of those choices today. I swear I'm doing my best."

Rowan swallowed hard and nodded. She was happy her brother was safe. Even if ensuring his safety came at the cost of her dignity, it was a trade she'd willingly make if given the choice.

The Mother's form flickered a bit. "Rowan, truly, I'm sorry that I could not save you. I swear I am working on Elder Garrett, but he has some additional power, and it will take me some time." Rowan was disturbed to hear Cade's suspicion of Elder Garrett confirmed, but the Mother forged on. "For now I can only heal the welts."

The Mother took her hand and a rush of warmth spread over Rowan's skin. Her back itched and tingled. When the feeling dissipated, the ache was gone.

"It's natural to have doubts. It's natural to feel sympathy for the Wolf when he treats you well, but I urge you to think of Aeoife, of your own survival." The Mother flickered again. "I'm afraid I'm being summoned elsewhere. I will do my best to keep that elder busy. In the meantime, remember our deal. The sooner you can act, the better it will be for all of us. I will gain strength, and I'll owe you a debt, Rowan. Be brave. I'll see you soon."

She faded into a shuddering flame and then nothing, leaving Rowan alone, feeling a strange mix of relief, bitterness, and tenacity.