Chapter 9

9

I'd been to Belfast before, but I'd never stepped off the ship, so I hadn't much of a clue as to what to expect. We docked a little way out of the city and took the shuttle into the center, and then I stepped into the heart of Northern Ireland.

Except it didn't really feel that way.

Belfast is the pulsing hub of Northern Ireland's industrial center. The port is a working area filled with workers loading and offloading freight.

The city could have been in many places in the UK. The high streets were familiar, the shops the same. The accent was softer than in the south, and there was much less Irish cheer.

Claudia didn't seem to know the meaning of the word relax, which amused me.

Her first words were, "Finally, I can get the UK signal," the second we stepped off the ship. She checked her mobile at least every thirty seconds, and that was no exaggeration. The times she didn't check, she seemed to have a wrist flick down to an art, where she could scroll her watch for the latest updates she had missed in those all-important minutes she hadn't been able to detach from the real world.

"Don't you get tired?" I asked as we walked, and I licked my ice cream. It wasn't the weather for it, but I was in the mood for some creamy goodness. She looked at me with her eyebrows raised as I chased a drip down my cone, and then she smiled warmly.

"Yes, I get tired. Just like anyone does, I guess, but at the same time, I also love the speed, the pace, the hustle and bustle of my job. I'm not sure how I'd cope if I didn't have it. My mind works fast, you know," she teased.

"So do your fingers," I teased back and got the pleasure of her light pink blush.

"Raven!" she exclaimed as I laughed.

"Joking. Joking. Kind of."

Belfast did have its charm. It reminded me in some ways of home, that port city feeling. But it wasn't a touristy place. There was no spot that made me ooo or aaah. I took maybe five photographs, and only a day later I probably couldn't tell you anything distinctive that stood out for me in Belfast.

But I'm happy I went, because as our coach crossed over the river and Claudia slipped her hand into mine for a light squeeze, I felt my heart pang, an explosion of feelings, and all of a sudden Belfast held that spark of something special.

That night on stage, I felt different. I stepped forward slowly, my hand shaking as I gripped the microphone stand. For a bustling cruise ship stage, my nerves hold. But for her, it was intimately intense as I felt her gaze on me. As usual, she sat in the front row. The light was soft. There was no spotlight tonight, just a warm glow that caressed my figure. My black dress was simple. Tied in a loose knot at the nape of my neck, the fabric ran down in thick black strips over my breasts, hugging my hips as it fell to the floor.

My skin was so pale it seemed to glow. I closed my eyes, singing softly. As my eyes flickered open once more and my eyes met hers, I almost lost my place. My fingers gripped the stand tighter, and my knuckles whitened as I tried to stay composed.

I drew the microphone closer, the steel pressed against my dress. My lips kissed the microphone, my mind losing itself in the lyrics.

My body swayed, my hips circling, and I felt as if I was singing for her alone.

My Claudia.

"You were breathtaking tonight," Claudia murmured as she entered my dressing room. I looked up at her through the mirror and felt myself going pink, bathing in her attention and affection.

"Thank you. I was singing for you," I said softly, shyly.

"I could feel that. I felt every single word, Raven. You really are so talented. I was wondering if tomorrow you would let me arrange something for us. I'd like to spend some time with you. Do something special. If you have time."

"I have time." I smiled. "But I have one request," I said as I slowly turned and stood.

"Oh yeah? What is that?" she asked playfully.

"If we're doing something special, I want absolutely zero, and I mean zero, cell phones."

I could see the surprise in her expression. The calculation that ran through her head. Finally she nodded.

"Okay, I can do that. For a price."

I laughed. "Oh, really. What's your price?"

"Hmmm. Four kisses."

"Kiss one." I took her hand, our fingers threading as I guided it upward. Looking at her shimmering blue eyes, I offered the softest, lightest kiss against her pulse on the sweet, sensitive skin of her inner wrist.

"Kiss two," I murmured as I pulled her into my space. My fingers took her shirt with a firm tug. Pouting my lips, I headed toward her lips, but my mouth moved at the last second. I left a perfect outline of my lipstick pressed onto her neck as I left my mark on her skin.

"Kiss three," I whispered, my voice now laced with want. This time my breath tickled against her neck, softly dragging my teeth upward, my body pressed firmly against hers as I kissed just to the side of her lips. So close, and yet so far.

"Where would you like number four?" I asked and waited for her response, except she didn't answer. Instead, she placed her hand on the top of my head and pushed firmly down, guiding my lips to exactly where she wanted me to place kiss number four, five, six, seven?—

The next day I woke up with an excited energy. Liverpool. Not a city I know very well other than that it was home to the Beatles. It wasn't Liverpool that excited me, though. It was the thought of spending a full day with Claudia, doing something she wanted to do with me. Something she had planned, thought of, and arranged. To me, that made the city sparkle before I had even set one foot away from the ship.

I went smart casual. I wanted to be comfy, but I also wanted Claudia to find me attractive, sexily so. The weather was pretty good for the UK. Warm with a little cloud but no rain, so I went for my new fucking beautiful boots, tight denim jeans, and a gray sweater I knew clung to my breasts nicely and matched my eyes.

She met me at the boarding ramp. She was perfectly on time, not a minute early or a minute late, and I was pleased to see she had also gone with a similar outfit. Just classier. Everything she wore somehow came off as classy.

"Hey you." I smiled as she came over to me, and I hesitated, unsure if she would give me a public display of affection, but there was no hesitation on her part. She leaned in and kissed me full on the lips. The show of intimacy startled me but also made my heart swell in my chest. It just felt so right to be around her. Every second was like magic.

"Come on, we have a cab to catch," she said with a smile and guided me down the ramp.

I was like a teenager, holding hands, bounding after her, led blindly to whatever adventure she had her sights set on for us. But the truth was we could be going anywhere, and I would be in it one-hundred percent. I thought about the definition of love I'd given to Claudia just days before. How she hadn't exactly agreed. I realized she didn't have to agree with my definition, and to be honest, sometimes I didn't agree with my own, either. Love is tricky like that, easier to say what it isn't rather than what it is. And even then I could have debated with myself about it.

But I couldn't deny the truth. If I hadn't already, I was on the path of falling head over heels in love with Claudia.

We slipped into the cab, our fingers laced together. Wherever we were going, the driver was already well aware and there was no acknowledgement from Claudia. I guessed this was how fancy people travelled—in silence.

"Where are we going?" I whispered, and Claudia laughed.

"You don't need to whisper. You can talk normally." She grinned, leaning in a little closer, closing the gap between us to plant a soft, sweet kiss on my lips. "And I'm not telling you." She grinned and then continued to kiss me.

It was the quickest hour cab ride I'd ever taken.

When we pulled up outside what I would call the projects but in reality was some urban concrete jungle that lacked a lot of love, I was surprised.

"Don't worry, we aren't staying," she said softly as she wound her window down. She counted the windows across her finger and then pointed up. "That was where I grew up. That was my little space in the world for eighteen long years." She paused, lost in thought, I watched the memories flicker through her eyes. She was looking at the window, but that isn't what she was seeing. I knew she was seeing all the times and moments that had passed. I slid my hand into hers and said nothing, but I let her know I was right beside her as a tear rolled down her cheek.

My free hand reached up, my thumb smearing softly against her skin to wipe away the lucid drop that glistened on her smooth cheek. She sniffled.

"Wow." She laughed. "I can't remember the last time I cried. Well, I guess it's been thirty years or so since I've been back here. I am allowed one tear."

I smiled softly at her.

"You're allowed as many as you need. Anytime, Claudia. Showing your emotions doesn't make you weak, it's what shows your strength."

She took a deep breath, her finger reaching for the window, and the black tint slowly rose, protecting her from the outside once more.

"Okay, let's get some food."

Our trip was to her favorite cafe. To the outside world looking in, it was a small town version of a greasy spoon. I could almost hear my wardrobe crying in shock at the calorific content on the menu, and the smell of oil frying and cooking hung in the air.

But that was the outside. On the inside, we sat in worn leather seats at the window. She ordered two of her favorites, and the elderly waitress looked at Claudia with a keen eye, a hint of someone she used to know but couldn't quite catch the name of.

"You never talk about your family," she probed as she sipped her coffee, and I looked at her in surprise.

"What do you want to know?"

"Tell me about your parents."

"I think I told you that my mother has bipolar disorder. Highs and lows. Mania and depression. My father worked every day of my childhood to keep the balance, the peace, to give me stability, but really, she needed medication, and that just came and went. Years of gray, no happy or sad, just stoic. My mother couldn't love me when she was on medication. She couldn't love anything or anyone. She was simply indifferent."

"Then there were the times without the medication. As a child, I loved the manic times. So much love, energy, and freedom. Excitement burst from her, and gray days burst into every color of the rainbow. Then came the black. The depression that gripped our home was like a black storm. Words dripped with hate, looks laced with disdain. So that was the foundation of my home life. A family that gravitated around the mood of one person. I don't blame my mother. I love her, and I understand how hard she tried, how difficult life is for her, and how her brain just works differently." It was true. I held no malice now. It was the past I'd left behind.

"Her mantra, though. Life lesson, motto, whatever you want to call it. Perfection is a projection. I grew up in a small place. It was stifling, suffocating, especially because I knew I was gay. I knew I was never going to be accepted. So I left. I left that world behind me with a smile and warm thoughts but closed that chapter."

I look up from my coffee. I'd mumbled, talking more to myself and hoping Claudia could overhear the monologue rather than feel as if I was sharing it directly with her.

"Thank you. I know it isn't easy to walk down memory lane." She gestured at the cafe around her with a knowing smile. "But I like sharing with you, and I like you sharing with me. I was lonely, Raven, and with you I don't feel like I'm lonely at all."

The waitress slid in, leaving our plates. I felt an overwhelming burst of emotions, and my cheeks pinked as the thoughts ran through my mind. To stop myself, I grabbed my fork and took a huge bite of something deep-fried. The taste of grease filled my mouth, I could barely get my mouth to work, never mind swallow. I forced it down and took a second bite then looked her straight in the eyes.

"Claudia, I love you, but I can't eat this."

The silence lingered. My world paused as her fork stilled at her lips.

"I love you, too."

And just like that, my world exploded into a rainbow of colors.