Chapter 6

6

I'd like to say that following a wild night of sexual escapades I felt clearer in my feelings for Claudia, but the truth was she only pulled further away. Finding her became a game of hide and seek. She didn't want to be found, she didn't open up to me, and her icy front remained completely intact except for the rare moments of vulnerability she'd showed me when she let me into her space to fuck her and she'd orgasmed for my tongue and fingers.

She would often cry when she came. But, she would never talk. Not really. Nothing real. Then she would just close down from me again until the next time.

"Do you think you might ever turn your phone off of do not disturb?" I asked her playfully one night as our naked bodies lay tangled on the sheets. I felt her stiffen.

"Why would I do that?" she asked cooly.

"Well, so I don't have to spend hours at night looking around a ship for you. I could, you know, just call you and see you and spend time with you without walking up and down every floor."

That wasn't exactly true. Urduja enjoyed her role in the find Claudia game and took great pleasure in trying to beat her record time of eight minutes with a precise location, but the truth was, I was feeling needy and unsure of where I stood. Chasing someone down every night when I was used to them chasing me wasn't doing much for my self-esteem.

You know, the magic when you start a sentence, not really knowing what it is you are trying to say, and the words just fall into place? That never happened with Claudia. She gave me little to work with, no openness into her life, emotions, thoughts, or feelings, and yet honestly, I was hooked. It only made me want her even more.

"You don't need to come and find me if you don't want to find me, Raven." I wish I could say she said it in a warm tone with a hint of need, but she gave me nothing.

"Don't you want me to come and find you?" I asked softly. My heart crushed when she replied with a nonchalant shrug.

The next day I had a full day off, and I decided I needed to get my head out of my thoughts, so I took a second trip to Edinburgh. My first had been on my last cruise, and it was not my favourite.

I had sailed through Fjords, glimpsed polar bears, straddled continents, and discovered the land of fire and ice. Gothic architecture on a gray drizzly day seemed drab.

My first step that day into a sun-filled Edinburgh started on a brighter note. Warmth was in my heart, and a smile was on my face. Urduja and I set off to explore but already, I understood a little more about the pull of this city.

Warning—don't go to Edinburgh if you don't like walking hills or steps. I felt like the Grand Old Duke of York. In full disclosure, I'm still not a fan of gothic architecture. It looks less drab in the sun, but even so, it's not a style I truly appreciate.

Scotland has a lot to offer its residents. Free healthcare, women's products, higher education, and museums, among other things.

I had a great time there. Urduja was like a kid in a candy shop, and that excited energy was infectious. We wandered through the Egyptian tomb, learned about mammals, and lastly, the energy machines.

I probably was having a slightly internal gray day. It happens. But she pulled me through with a bounce in her step and wide eyes. I could see Edinburgh had cast its spell on her, and I had a very strong suspicion that I'd be making my third trip in the not-so-distant future on the next tour around.

Our next meander was to Princes park. Sitting on wide-open green spaces, looking down with the castle above us was idyllic. Times of peace in a genuinely busy city is not easy to find, and I'm happy we did.

Wandering with no purpose came next. Ambling down busy streets. Nipping in and out of shops and soaking up the ambience of that fairytale city.

The train station brought a moment of stress. We dashed the terminal, only for me to realize I had the backpack, so Urduja didn't have the tickets, to get to our train with ten seconds to spare. It was a breathless rush that left my heart racing.

Collapsing on my seat, it took a second for my pulse to settle, and as the city drifted from view, I felt the gray settle again.

Urduja leaned forward, her hand resting over mine. "The thing is, Raven, and I know you don't want to hear this. But if you keep chasing her, she just isn't going to realize how special you are and how lucky she is to have your attention. And I don't mean because of your killer body, sexy smile, or come make sweet love to me now voice. I mean because you are a genuinely amazing woman with a big heart. I think she knows that. I think she hates that she wants you. But until you force her to actually make the effort for you, she just isn't going to."

I sighed deeply. I knew she was right.

"I'm not good at that, though. When I want something, I don't know how to pause and slow down. I only know how to chase after it," I said.

Urduja nodded knowingly. "Maybe Claudia could be exactly what you need after all, then, to learn how to value yourself."

A single light beamed on the stage. The black piano, perfectly polished, gleamed in the light. A deep red-orange gown spilled across the top and gave a glimpse of my pale skin. Mist rose, seeping around a single shadowed pianist dressed in black, only his fingers visible as they softy caressed the keys, gliding along the ivories with a slow stroke as the first note rang out.

I stretched across the dark smooth wood of the piano, my hair tamed as I spread out across the polished mahogany. My eyes closed with sweeping dark lines of makeup brushed over my eyelids. I slid my legs over the edge, softly falling to my feet. Padding barefoot to the center of the stage, my gown flowed behind me in a river of fire. My lips almost kissed the microphone as my fingers slowly curled around the stand.

"I Put A Spell On You…"

My gown was stunning, falling to the floor in a fiery pool of blood red scarlet and smoulderingorange. I sang soulfully.

The spotlight dimmed, and an arch of flames ignited behind me, casting flickering embers over me, my skin bathed in its fiery glow. My breasts swayed as I moved to themusic. My hands ran down my body, my fingers gliding over my dress. My eyes sparkled, seeking her as I looked out searchingly to the crowd. "I'm yours right now."

I didn't see her.

I gripped the metal stand hard, drawing it to me, pressing my mouth firmly against the microphone. My lips parted as I breathlessly sang in a husky tone. As my body continued to move soulfully, I let the beat wash through me as the last chord rang out. "Because you're mine."

The audience paused for a moment, and I slowly inhaled. That wait is always hard, not knowing if I hit the mark. Two or three seconds seem to last hours. Then the crowd cheered, standing in rapturous applause. I know I'm not the Raven Ramsey I once was. I don't sell out concerts or perform at sold-out shows. But this adoring crowd of my people made it bearable to accept that fact. Made it easier to acknowledge I was past my peak but still had something to share.

Hours and days passed. I went back to my normal routine, trying hard not to think about Claudia 24/7. I volunteered to host some of the daily activities, and I didn't bother to leave the ship, I was in a gray mood, and I didn't want to ruin any amazing destinations by bringing my storm cloud with me. I painted on a smile for the guests, and to be honest, being around a bunch of vacationers, it wasn't too difficult to feel the pick up from their excitement.

Urduja was on top-tier best friend behavior. While it was never easy to relax around her, as any second the boss would start hollering into her headset, she genuinely made the effort to distract me and keep me smiling. But after nearly three days of trying not to seek her out, it was time to accept the facts. Claudia just wasn't interested in me.

"Look, we need to go out. Let me nip back and get changed, and I will meet you at the bar," Urduja said with a smile, and I raised my eyebrows. She frowned and paused for a second.

"Fineeeee," she reluctantly agreed with an elongated e. "I will leave the bluetooth at home." I gave her a huge smile as she sulked off.

I went to the Explorer's bar and ordered a diet Coke. I was comfortable in my jeans and a plain black tee. I had no plans to drink much tonight. I did have my fucking beautiful new heeled boots on , though. I just wanted to hang out and maybe watch the women's soccer on the big screen and pretend I gave a shit just to have something to distract me. I didn't like to talk too much about my home life with Urduja. She'd happily open up, but I knew that beneath the feisty exterior she missed home a lot. A cruiseliner's life had opened up a world and possibilities to her and she was grateful for that, but it certainly came at a cost.

My diet Coke came and I took a deep drink, but it didn't really hit the spot. I let out a soft sigh as I debated ordering some whiskey to accompany it when I heard a soft yet undeniable voice beside me.

"No wine?" I took a second, composing myself before I turned to her. She looked the most casual I'd ever seen her, in comfy slacks and a loose blouse that screamed elegance and sophistication. I softly shook my head, then turned back to my drink, determined not to get my hopes up, as it could all just be a chance encounter.

"Do you mind if I take this seat?" she asked softly, and I felt my heart thunder in my chest. It took all my restraint not to launch into an absolutely yes please sit here and stay with me all night monologue, but I managed to keep some of my cool, at least.

I'm a performer, let's not forget.

"Of course," I confirmed with a gesture, and she slowly slid onto the stool, ordering herself a wine.

"I haven't seen you around," she said.

A debate ensued in my head. Casual. I have been busy, true, but that was not the reason she hasn't seen me. Honestly, I didn't like the way her constant rejection felt. True, but not the best start to the night.

"I was busy, and I didn't really get the impression you wanted to see me." Diplomacy won in terms of an honest yet softened mash-up.

She hesitated, taking a long drink of her wine, as if mulling over how to respond. "I guess that's fair. The thing is, Raven…" Someone came up behind her to order a drink and she stopped. It had apparently knocked her off her flow. I didn't want to push her. I wanted her to open up in her own time.

"Do you mind, if we get a table?" she asked, and I nodded. We both rose and made our way to the dark edge of the bar. I saw Urduja come in and spot me. She started with an excited wave and then saw I wasn't alone. She beamed and gave me the thumbs up, which made my eyes widen as I gave her the cut-it signal just as Claudia turned around, so I had to quickly and awkwardly scratch my neck.

"Is here okay?" she asked me uncertainly, and I wondered what on earth I must have looked like.

"Yes, this is fine for me," I replied, settling into one of the comfy soft leather seats.

"I know I haven't been very fair to you, Raven. The thing is, I absolutely did not want to be on this fucking cruise. I hate boats, I hate sailing around the UK, the internet is shitty, the food is too much, I can't get my work done, and I don't understand why I needed to be here." It was the most I'd heard her say in one long consecutive sentence.

"I'm not here on vacation. I'm supposed to be ironing out the details of a merger. My company has been trying to get it finalized for months, nearly a full year. And Sue Smith, the woman you saw me with the other night—I need her, but I can't pin her down. She spends all her time on these," she waved her hand around "fucking boats. So here I am trying to finish the merger, and it's just so stressful. I'd much rather be at the office."

I noted that she said at the office and not at home like someone else may have said in a similar sentence.

I nodded, taking a sip of my Coke, still not wanting to interfere with her flow of thought.

"I didn't expect to meet someone here. I mean, yes I'm gay, and this is a boat full of gays." She paused.

I don't know what offended me more, to be referred to as "gays," or to call this beautiful ship a boat, but I kept quiet.

"But I don't really date anyway, and I just wanted to get on and off. I was hoping I wouldn't even need to be here for the full cruise, but now it seems as if I'll have to stay on for another trip around, as this needs sorting, and this is where Sue Smith will be—when I can get time with her in between her social schedule," she said, her voice trailing off.

My pulse quickened. Another tour around, another ten days. She seemed so upset by the thought, but all I could think about was how maybe we'd have more time together.

"So, I have been distant with you, Raven. I didn't know who you were, and I was very grateful that first night in the restaurant. I had no idea the staff here could be such assholes, no offense."

I chewed down the response that I wasn't a member of crew staff but entertainment. And I was not an asshole.

"I felt completely out of place, and you really did save me from a lot of embarrassment. And of course, you're beautiful. I was instantly attracted to you." She paused. "Anyway, the next night when Sue insisted I came to the show because you had reserved those seats, I didn't even know it was you on stage in the beginning. You were mesmerising, and as much as I wanted to keep away and focus on the reason I'm here, I just couldn't stop myself from being drawn to you."

I blushed a little, finally feeling a little warmth, a little acknowledgement that it wasn't just me feeling these emotions.

"I've never really given into passion like that. To feel the touch of a woman and enjoy it over and over in the way I have with you. Don't get me wrong—I like sex, and I'm not shy, but I suppose I've never let myself go in the moment. I imagine some would say I'm repressed, but anyway, that night in your dressing room, then that night in my cabin…" She paused, trying to find the words. She reached for her drink with a shaky hand.

"I guess I pushed you away, and it took not seeing you to realize just how much I was hoping you'd keep making the effort to see me. So I came here tonight because I wanted to find you. I wanted to have a drink with you. I wanted to talk to the famous Raven Ramsey, about whom I know nothing about, and afterward, I wanted to invite you back to my room, not to kick you out after you make me a hot wet mess for you, but for you to stay the night, because I have two weeks left on this boat, and I would really like to spend most of it with you."

She looked me straight in the eyes with a clear, focused stare.

I took a deep breath.

"Claudia," I started. "I'd love to do all of those things with you, and more, as long as you stop calling this magnificent ship a boat." Then I grinned and slid my hand across the table to entwine her fingers with mine.