Chapter 13

13

After Paris, I didn't leave the ship again. There was just no point. I lived, worked, ate, and slept in a near zombie-like cycle. Even Urduja began to lose patience with me as I went round and round the British Isles on what seemed like a never-ending loop of pain.

"Don't you want to get off?" she asked with a frustrated edge as she bounded into my room and tried to get me to at least see some daylight on firm ground.

"No, Urduja. I do not want to get off. I won't be getting off until we complete the Transatlantic and I can finally get out of this gray, raining, depressing place and see home again.

She didn't say a word, just looked at me with wide eyes and slipped out.

Then I felt like a bitch.

The show must go on. I sat on the white leather stool at my dressing table. The dark room was lit with the soft yellows of the bulbs that lined the frame of the mirror. I leaned forward and let my gaze sweep over my features. Big gray eyes scanning every detail, from lightly curled lashes to full rosy lips. I gave my head a little shake, and my short dark hair fell forward to frame my face. I tried to remind myself that the audience didn't need to know about my dead heart and blank mind. They needed me to perform. So I tried my best.

The steel stage floor reflected the single beam. It was the only light. The rest of the stage was submerged in darkness. The mood was eerie, the silence deafening. It seemed like even the ocean had stilled. Then a white flash, almost like a lightning strike, thundered through my body, and the music started.

Diving into the song, I laced it with sex, hiding behind what the women here wanted. They wanted to imagine being with Raven Ramsey. They all wanted a taste of me—or of who they believed me to be. And I had no idea what was real anymore.

I felt real for the first time with Claudia. But now she was gone, and it had me questioning if that was the real me at all.

I sang with a raspy edge, letting the band take the lead, but I followed with tones meant to entice, to seduce and, as the song played out, I heard the pause before shocked applause that never seemed to end.

"Well, fuck me." I heard Fernanda murmur into my earpiece, and I thought to myself…

At least I got that right.

The cruise ship continued to sail, and every day got easier for me. I stuck to a routine, and I never deviated. It was probably a sad existence, although it seemed to keep Fernanda happy. I'd never tossed more beanbags in my life. The guests saw more of me. I was fed by their energy, their enthusiasm, and their devoted love of me. They pushed me to keep giving even when I felt empty inside.

Urduja tried her best to keep me in better spirits, and I in turn tried for her to not be a mope. I ached for Claudia. I longed to hear her voice, to know how she was, to kiss her, taste her. But she never reached out to me, and I respected her wishes even though it was excruciating for me to accept the silence.

The countdown to leave Europe and take the Atlantic crossing kept me going. And as we set sail across the ocean, I watched the miles run down until I would be back home. I'd never longed so much for the States as I did right now.

It was my break anyway. Three months of off-ship time. Fernanda had confirmed with me that I intended to return, and I told her yes, even though I wasn't entirely sure that was true. I needed time, I needed space to think, and I couldn't do that here, but I'd know as soon as my body had stopped swaying whether or not I could do another cruise route.

One thing was for certain. It wouldn't be the miserable British Isles if I could help it. I needed some sun on my skin.

Urduja and I didn't do great goodbyes. We knew we'd find each other on the next ship. We would keep in touch. She was my sea soul sister, and emotional goodbyes just weren't our thing, but I must admit this time we hugged each other a little longer and a little tighter as we disembarked in New York.

"Message me!" she exclaimed as she dashed off down the ramp. She was heading to La Guardia for a flight back home and only had forty-five minutes to navigate the New York City traffic.

I was much slower to leave. I'd made a reservation in the city for a few days and then I was thinking about driving out west, taking some time to explore and see a little without much real purpose. Definitely no schedules or wake-up calls.

Collecting my luggage from the crew station, I was meandering over to the taxi rank when I heard a voice call my name.

"Raven! Raven!" I turned slowly. Fans didn't usually make their way down here.

My thoughts trailed off as I saw her.

Claudia.

She looked so fucking good in a white suit and big sunglasses, and her hair was freshly cut, streaked, and blow-dried.

She was walking across the other side of the barrier with a stride in her step, trying to keep up with me as I made my way along.

"Raven! Wait." I stilled, my cases coming to a halt. I just stared at her as she caught up to me.

"Can you come here?" she asked as she pushed her glasses up and into her hair, letting me see her beautiful face and those eyes that made my icy heart melt.

But I hesitated. I couldn't do this. Not again. It had taken me weeks, months, for her not to consume my every thought, and here she was again about to take over.

She caught my pause. "Please, Raven. I just want to talk to you."

I left my cases and moved to her. The pull was magnetic. The second I took the first step I was going nowhere else. I was drawn to her as I always had been. My heart leapt, laced with hope, though my head was screaming warnings, danger, red flags, abort.

I ignored them all as I closed the distance between us.

"Raven," she started as I met her, keeping a little distance, the railing between us. "I love you, and I should never have let you go. I've been an idiot. I want to be with you. I want to make this work. I will even live on this bloody boat…ship…whatever, if you want. Just please give me a chance."

I needed a second to let the words register. "Do you mean it?" I asked softy. Shyly.

She nodded. "I want to kiss you right now. Can I?"

"What kind of kiss?"

"A big one. One that shows how much I care for you. Not quite a superhero kiss. Maybe a sidekick kiss. Not because I don't want to give you a superhero kiss. This one just seems like it should be one designed to help you. To wipe away doubt as best I can. To let you know that things are okay, that we are going to be okay."

"I want that kiss," I replied softly.

"I can give it to you, Raven." She took a step toward me, wiping hair from my face. Tucking it in. Softly caressing my cheek as her eyes found mine. Lips inches away from mine.

I tilted my head just an inch, melting into her touch. Trembling, I took a breath. My eyes were wide, searching for hers.

"I don't know if I'll ever be enough for you," I whispered. Honestly. The words caught in my throat. Then I closed the gap and kissed her.

She gave me the kiss she'd promised. Her other hand found my back, and she rubbed it. Her other hand was still on my cheek. Her lips took away my doubts, working to let me know I was enough. The sidekick kiss pressed into me, a big kiss that carried her sighs even as they plucked mine from my lips.

My eyes fell closed, and for a few seconds, I just let her kiss me. My lips were soft, lightly moving with her, letting her set the pace and take the lead. Then my hand rose, my palm gliding over her jaw to trace through her hair. I was still taking, her sighs, her kisses, everything she gave me.

And she continued to give it, not wanting our moment to end. If our lips were together it couldn't end. Her hand left my cheek to find my hand in her hair and she gave it a soft squeeze, continuing to give me all she could.

I'd shown my weakness, my doubts, and my fears, so my kiss was laced with vulnerability. Not demanding, but pleading for her to take care of me. To hold me. To not let us crash. Her heat surrounded me. Holding me close, her gentle caress kept me there, locked with her so nothing had to break.

Her arms wrapped around me, squeezing me tight to her and rubbing softly. Her lips were steady against mine to help steady my pleas. To take them and let me know I was safe in her embrace. Vulnerability was okay. Fear was okay. It was all okay. In this kiss, she and I were okay.

It took time, but she could feel it. She could feel the moment when my mind started to believe this was going to be okay, and finally, my body relaxed into her embrace. The tension I was holding softly, slowly slipped away, and I began to mirror her lips, kissing her back.

Her hands held me tight, still running along my back. Soft, gentle. I felt tensionless as our lips continued to move in an eager dance.

I felt her hands on my back, right at the bottom of my spine, sending shivers. My lips parted on an inhale, and she filled my lungs. And then my tongue traced against her lips before taking a light swirl. It was a slow dance. Seductive. Edged with need. But I was still hesitant. Taking my time.

Her tongue was ready for the show. It led and set the pace but was ever cognizant of mine, of my need. It tasted when it swirled back against hers. She chased the shivers with her hand, slowly indulging in them as she found more.

She knew me, could read my body like her favorite book. With each shiver I gave her, she chased the next until I was dancing that edge of sexual tension.

She broke the kiss so she could find more of my skin, places where she'd made marks before. She dragged her tongue along them and sucked on my neck hungrily, then moved further down to my collarbone.

My head tilted back. My neck stretched, exposing soft, vulnerable skin. Hers for the taking. Her lips found the memories of the old marks, kissing them, tasting them, her teeth grazing over my collarbone, which elicited a tiny moan from my lips, only for her to steal as she returned to them. I responded, my fingers tangling in her hair to grip hard, my nails scratching down her back to show my ache for her.

I was spinning. Dizzy, utterly lost in the moment with her, not knowing where she ended and I began. And then I heard a clatter behind me and I pulled away breathlessly.

"Who the fuck left these here!?" a crew exclaimed as his own case scuttled off across the path, clattering into the railings. I flushed sheepishly.

"I am so sorry. Those are mine," I dashed over to grab my suitcases, pulling them with back over to the railing toward Claudia. "I think we should get out of here." I smiled.

"I couldn't agree more," she replied.