26. JACK

Ilay very still and managed my breathing so that he would think I was just this big, dorky guy who had fallen straight back to sleep. I hated to deceive him, but it worked because eventually, he was sleeping, too, even if there had been a few minutes of catlike alertness in him.

I could not help but lie awake, though. If I moved, even a tiny movement, Paul moved toward me even further. He did not wake; his shifts in position were gentle and languid, but the effect of him moving against me as I moved started to feel oppressive, as if I were being pursued around the bed.

I eventually broke away from him and turned onto my side, my gaze drawn to the silhouettes of his body next to mine. I could not see his face but felt his cheeks and mouth against my skin. At one point, his body twitched a little as if he were dreaming. But for me, there were no dreams to chase and precious little sleep.

What did any of it mean? What did this sudden, new intimacy signify in the whole of my life? I had never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, and yet, with Paul, it was different – I had wanted to show myself to him.

Was I going to hide myself now?

I closed my eyes, determined to try to drop off. But still, the doubts lingered. Was I ready to embrace a new chapter of my life? Was I ready to change my life – for him?

***

Hours slipped by, melted away into the long, empty night. Now and then, I must have snatched some sleep because I would wake again, and things were different: the position of bodies, the nature of the dark, turning eventually to the first light of dawn outside.

When it was light enough, I picked up my phone again. The white glow of the phone screen appeared again but now was not such a contrast. Dawn was pushing out the blackness.

What time was it in Chicago? Emma would be long in bed by then. She was not a night owl.

But I read her words again with some apprehension, in case I had somehow misconstrued them. But these are the tricks of sleeplessness: to make you think things that cannot be or to deny what is obviously true.

Her words meant what they meant.

Jack, I miss you

I’m starting to doubt whether we should go through with the divorce

Is it too late there?

Oh, I think it must be the middle of the night

OK, call me tomorrow, maybe

With a sigh, I set the phone aside and moved my body down against his. Without waking, in that intensity of connection that comes with a new relationship, he nestled against me very closely again. Our chests and stomachs were more or less touching. Absentmindedly, perhaps waking very slightly, his mouth moved toward mine, and we did not quite kiss.

“I love you, Jack,” he whispered, but I didn’t know if he was awake or asleep, whether he was really talking to me or in a dream.

“What?” I whispered, but he did not reply.

He was asleep again.

He was in love with me, while Emma might want me back.

And so things suddenly seemed very serious indeed.