Chapter 18

18

ISAAC

I never thought I'd try to do something like this again. Outside of that one guy from class a few years ago, I avoided any and all things relating to sex. I had convinced myself that I was fine without it. There were plenty of people who never had sex and they were perfectly fine. Functioning adults that didn't need that kind of connection. I was so confident that I was one of them.

But here I was, on Brody's bed, face down, ass in the air, with a dildo so deep inside me I could barely breathe. So aroused I was moaning with every breath, my dick dripping with precum that I could see long, glossy strands of when I looked back between my legs.

I wasn't nervous. I wasn't afraid. I thought I would be, but I wasn't. Because I trusted Brody like I'd never trusted anyone before in my entire life. Felt safe with him. Comfortable. I'd never had someone treat me so…delicately. So tenderly. Everything he did, he only had my comfort in mind. His constant check-ins and words of praise were more than I'd ever hoped to receive from another person.

And god, I really, really needed him to claim me in a way that was so irrevocable I'd never be rid of him.

I couldn't take my eyes off Brody. All that gorgeous, lean muscle. Those tattoos. The olive skin and the way he moved. The way his eyes practically glowed when he looked at me. He was looking at me right now as he slid his boxers down his legs. My gaze dropped down his torso and watched his long, thick cock as it bounced against his stomach, and my own cock throbbed at the sight of it.

"You look so damn beautiful, baby," he murmured, his eyes devouring every inch of my prone body. He grasped his dick and gave it a few strokes, just looking at me, and then brought the condom wrapper to his teeth and tore it open. The animalistic way he did it had me gripping the sheets tighter, licking my lips, and clenching around the dildo. He rolled on the condom and groaned, his light gray eyes half-lidded as he just stood there, staring at me. "I've waited so long for this," he rasped.

"Then hurry up and get over here," I mumbled, desperate to have him inside me instead of this toy. He laughed at my neediness, moving toward the bed, making my heart start pounding in anticipation. And then another thought struck me, and I asked, "Are you sure this is okay? For your heart?"

His lips tipped up in a smile. "I guess we'll find out. You should probably be on top, in case I pass out."

What an ass. "That's not funny, Brody! Seriously, is this okay for you?"

His gaze softened and he reached his hand out to brush his fingers through my hair. "Yeah, baby, I'll be okay. But I do want you to be on top. It'll be easier for your first time."

Your first time.

My throat thickened at his words, at how he wanted to replace the bad memories with something good. Something beautiful, even. He slid both hands down to my waist, and I let him pick me up, cock jumping at the easy way he handled me. At how the dildo shifted inside me. At the anticipation coursing through my body. He rested against the pillows, partially propped up, and set me over his lap, gently positioning my thighs on either side of his hips. I could feel the hot length of his erection against my ass as I braced my palms on his chest.

"You feel ready?" he asked softly, staring up at me almost reverently. His hands were moving along my waist, lazily massaging up to my ribcage and down to my hips.

"Yeah," I said. "I really do." I leaned down and splayed my hands on his cheeks, pressing my lips to his. Moving slowly, biting gently on that delicious bottom lip, sliding my tongue along his piercing. Brody groaned beneath me, his hands coming up to my head, holding me to him as he deepened the kiss, his tongue twining with mine, teeth nipping gently, playfully. When I pulled away, a fresh wave of desire pulsed through me at how he looked. Eyes hooded, pupils dilated, lips red and a little swollen. Fuck, I wasn't going to survive this.

Brody's hands glided down the curve of my spine, one hand going further to cup one cheek, fingers kneading the flesh. "I'm gonna take the dildo out now," he said, his voice husky and so fucking sexy. "And then I'm going to replace it with me."

"Fuck. Okay," I breathed, leaning forward. Arching my back and trapping my dick between his stomach and mine. He was watching my face closely, his fingers still kneading my ass, and I couldn't look away from him. I felt him grasp the widened base, and when he tugged on it, pulling it out an inch and sliding it right back in, I moaned. "Don't fucking tease me right now, Brody," I panted. "I seriously can't handle it."

He gave me a puckish smile, and damn if that wasn't the hottest thing I'd ever seen. "Sorry," he murmured, but he wasn't sorry. I could see it all over his face how much he enjoyed teasing me. Getting me all riled up. And that only made me more aroused.

I kissed his stupid, sexy lips and mumbled against them, "Take it out, Brody." I felt his smile widen, and then he slowly slid the dildo from my hole, making me bite down on his bottom lip and moan at the sensation. "Fuck," I whispered once I'd released his lip. His hand moved from my ass to grab his cock, and he slid the head up and down my crease, teasing me some more. "Brody," I warned.

He laughed against my lips and stole the breath from my lungs when he slotted the head right at my entrance and began pushing up. I was so opened up that there was barely any resistance, and I threaded my fingers through his hair as he thrust through that first tight ring of muscle, both of us groaning when he got past it. "Fuck, baby," he grunted. One big hand traveled down to my hip, and then his other hand trailed up my ass to the other hip. I ducked my head down, burying my face in his neck when he started thrusting up and pushing my hips down at the same time. A long, tormented whine was wrung from my throat as he kept pushing his way inside me, so much bigger than the dildo and dragging along my inner walls. There was the barest hint of pain that gave way to a mounting pleasure that danced along every single nerve ending. I pressed back, needing him deeper, needing him to fill every inch of me until he was all I could feel.

"Christ," he rasped. "You're so fucking tight. You feel so damn good, sweetheart." His voice was strained and deep and rumbled right through me, lighting me up. With one last thrust that sent a shockwave of ecstasy thrumming through my balls and my trapped dick, he bottomed out, his fingers squeezing my hips so hard I knew there would be bruises. "Okay?" he grunted.

"Mm," I moaned into his neck, pressing back with my hips even more. "Yeah. Please move. Please."

And then he moved. Pulled out of me halfway, eliciting little fireworks of sensation, and then thrust into me so hard I cried out. He started pumping into me at a steady pace, his hands forcing my hips down onto his cock as his breathing became heavier. " Fuck ," he whispered, his pace picking up.

I was whimpering against his skin, every thrust of his cock punching the breath from my lungs and filling me with so much pleasure as my own dick rubbed between our stomachs that I knew I wasn't going to last long. I pulled my head up, my lips seeking his, and when his hands slid down to cup the curves of my ass, to pull them apart so he could pump into me even harder and faster, when he groaned into my mouth, I flew right over the edge and felt myself clench around him as cum spurted from me in long, euphoric waves that had my fingers pulling too hard on his hair. I think I screamed his name as my orgasm kept going and going, as our stomachs became slick with my release, and I felt Brody's movements stutter, heard his sharp inhale as he dragged me back to his lips and shoved inside me as deep as he could go. He moaned into my mouth, and I devoured every sound as he kept thrusting as he came, hips moving slowly until he was finally spent.

We were still kissing, lazy, gentle nibbles, soft strokes of our tongues, and I could have stayed there forever. Lost in that dull haze of intense satisfaction, my fingers sifting through his thick, silky hair, his softening cock still inside me. Closer to anyone than I'd ever been in my life, and completely content. Fulfilled, in a way. Brody's warm hands were stroking up and down my back, and I was in complete awe of him. Of what we'd just shared. Of everything he'd done for me. How he kept exceeding my expectations, how he made me feel like I was someone precious. Someone to be cherished. And I wanted to do what we'd just done over and over and over again, in so many different ways. I wanted to get closer to him, to crawl inside of him and burrow myself a home there.

Or maybe that was too creepy. Whatever, I was totally gone for this guy. He was evoking strong sentiments from me that I didn't know I was capable of, so I was feeling all out of sorts. In the best way possible.

Brody finally pulled away, his eyes a darker, smoky color now, and brought his hands up to frame my face, thumbs stroking along my cheekbones. "Isaac," he murmured, those beautiful eyes drifting over every inch of my face. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever known. Thank you for letting me share this with you. You did so well and I'm so damn proud of you."

Oh my fucking god, he was going to make me cry. I could feel my throat getting tighter, my nose was prickling, and—yeah, now my vision was blurring as moisture gathered in my eyes. Brody looked startled, almost panicked, and damn it I ruined the moment. "Baby why are you crying? Did I hurt you?"

He started to sit up, but I pressed my hands down on his shoulders. In no world would I have been able to stop him if he really wanted to get up, but he got the hint. His body was tense beneath mine now, so I said, "You didn't hurt me, that just—I…damn it, Brody, it was perfect," I blubbered. Blurry Brody smiled at me, and when the tears tipped over my lashes, he brushed them away. Leaned up to place a soft kiss on my lips.

"Good. I thought so too," he said. His expression turned mischievous as he added, "And I didn't even pass out from all the exertion."

I sat up, his cock slipping out of me, and slapped lightly at his chest. "That's not funny !" I said. "You were seriously hurt the last time you fainted. I'm not taking any chances with your health, Brody. You mean too much to me."

He had the happiest, sappiest expression on his face, and it sent a rush of warmth swirling through me. "Oh yeah? How much?"

I wasn't expecting that question, and as he slid his hands down my arms until he reached my hands and laced his fingers with mine, I said, "Too much."

"And how much is too much?"

"It's too damn much, Brody!"

He laughed and said, "All right. How about I tell you what you mean to me?"

My heart started beating faster, louder, my nerves crackling with anticipation.

"Every time I look at you, I can't decide whether I want to hold you gently or fuck you into the mattress so hard you can't move for a week. Every time you open those perfect, rosy lips, I'm holding my breath just so I can hear what you'll say, because it's never what I expect and it always makes me like you even more. Every time you look at me, my heart pounds and my palms sweat and I'm caught in those beautiful eyes. But I like being caught. You make me happy, Isaac, and you mean so much more to me than I ever expected you to. And I like that. I love that."

I stared at him, my mind racing with all the things he'd just said, my own heart pounding, my own palms sweating. "Brody…" I whispered. But he wasn't done, and his next words eviscerated me.

"Before you, Isaac, I was fucking drifting. Every day was the same, every moment dull and lacking… something . I didn't really know what, exactly, those moments were lacking until you walked over to me with a few wrinkled dollars and the sweetest eyes I'd ever seen. I didn't really know that I wanted more—so much more—until you came into my life and knocked me clear on my ass. So, before you, I was just existing and hoping I could escape whatever legacy my dad left me with. And now? Now, knowing I get to see you again, knowing I get to touch you, talk to you, be with you, all that knowing has made me feel alive in a way I never have.

"And I don't want to go back to that lonely life I was living. I refuse to go back. Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm jumping the gun here, but I'm fucking head over heels for you and I can't stand the thought of you going through anything alone ever again. So…" Just like before, he started off confident and unafraid. And, like before, the longer he spoke, that confidence seemed to wane and give way to uncertainty. Because he wanted this so much—to be with me —that it seemed like it would destroy him if I didn't feel the same. "So, um, that's how much you mean to me, sweetheart."

Fuck me, but I did feel the same. He'd completely ruined me for anyone else. I grabbed his face and crushed my lips to his, just held them there as a whirlwind of varying emotions battered against my walls, slamming against the tattered remains and crashing through me with so much force I started trembling. When I pulled back, I framed his face with my hands and said, "Ditto."

His laugh barreled through me, shaking me on top of him, and I was mesmerized by the lines that deepened on his face, by how beautiful he was. And then he stopped laughing, carded his fingers through my hair and said softly, "I love you, Isaac."

My whole world was flipped in an instant, and a huge swell of panic arose. I didn't know why. I wasn't sure where this fear and anxiety were coming from when he'd just said as much without saying those actual words. And he could see it in my eyes, could feel it in the sudden tensing of my body. The fierce urge to shout You're lying! at him was so strong and so unwanted that I clambered off him, stumbling across the floor as he said, "Isaac? What's the matter?"

There was a roaring in my skull. Between my ears. Like I was being swept downstream to the edge of a waterfall, and all I could hear was the thunderous raging of water that was my impending doom. "I—" And all I wanted, the only thing that could make any of this go away, was Brody. "Brody—" Strong arms came around me, his big body curling over mine protectively. His breath warmed my ear as he murmured, "Shh, I've got you baby, you're okay. Everything's okay. I got you."

My body slumped in his hold, whispering a nonstop outpouring of you're safe safe you're safe and then another word that floored me: home .

"It's okay. You're okay, baby, I'm right here," he murmured. I let him turn me around and pick me up bridal style, and laced my arms around his neck while I buried my face in his neck, inhaling deeply. "Let's go get cleaned up, okay?"

I nodded against his skin, sweat-slick and smelling so delicious I darted my tongue out to taste it. The roaring in my head had diminished to a dull hum that was slowly ebbing away with Brody's continued whispers and touches. The panic was almost gone, too, and Brody kept me in his arms as he turned the shower on, never letting me go the entire time as he washed us both. Afterward, once he'd dried us off, he took me back to bed and sat against the headboard, still holding me.

I love you, too , I thought. Unable to get the words past my lips. Unable to tie him to me so irrevocably, when I was so messed up that I couldn't even accept his love without having a panic attack. And god, my love for him—because yes, that's undeniably what I felt for him, despite vehemently denying it—was only growing. I was terrified of all of this, but I knew that I wanted Brody way, way more than I was afraid of loving him or being loved by him. I felt so needy and clingy, in the most unattractive way, but I still couldn't bring myself to crawl out of his arms. Because that was the only place I ever wanted to be.

I tried to focus on what Dr. Varu had told me. And even more so what she'd said later—that it was Brody's choice if he wanted to be with me, if he wanted to act on his feelings for me. Just as it was my choice to do the same, even when it came to believing that he truly meant what he said. Even believing that I was someone worthy of his love. Because it was his choice to make that judgment. For himself.

God I had a lot of work to do on myself. But I was willing to do it if it meant getting better and relieving Brody of some of the burden he'd taken on. Damn it, I guess my thoughts were where I needed to start, because I was already doing poorly if I was thinking of myself as a burden. But Christ if that's how I didn't feel in this moment.

"Isaac," Brody murmured, placing a kiss on my head. "You're thinking too loud."

"I can't help it," I mumbled. "The way you make me feel is loud." I inhaled a long breath and let it out. "I just wonder, if I'd had you eight years ago, how different things might've been for me."

He brushed his hand down the side of my face, and I nuzzled into the touch. "You've got me now," he said gently. "For however long you want me."

Forever . I don't think I'd ever be able to let him go.

Ever.