Chapter 1

Chapter One

Ella

Present

It’s a strange feeling to attend my parents’ double funeral. Pain and regret laces itself into every fiber of my being as a hollow numbness settles around me like a plume of dust.

The relationship with them was complicated. We didn’t have fun family days, play board games, or go on vacations to bond. Our household was about as relaxed as military basic training. It consisted of seasonal stiff hugs, mandatory church attendance, and a persistent feeling of falling short in earning their pride.

Nonetheless, they were still my parents, and a conflicted part of myself still loved them.

I’m not sure whether to be glad their final moment in life was quick and painless, or gutted that I never got a chance to tell them goodbye one last time .

The day seemed as normal as ever—making chocolate chip pancakes while singing along to nineties music in my kitchen. Then the earth seemed to stop spinning on its axis when I received the phone call from the police informing me of the accident.

Another driver had suffered a medical emergency at the wheel, causing their car to cross head on into my parents’ lane. And like that, they were both gone. Probably in the midst of a trivial argument over the radio one minute, and crossing into whatever comes after the next.

My best friends, Madi and Delaney, stand side-by-side, their expressions reflecting hesitant caution as they gaze at me. With our fifteen-year friendship, they understand my turbulent history with both my family and this place.

The modest, dilapidated church hall is half-filled with a few dozen people dressed uniformly in somber black attire. A potluck assortment of casseroles, contributed by members of the congregation, spans out across two worn folding tables. The pastor graciously allowed me to use the hall at no cost, given my parents’ long-standing attendance. It seemed fitting to hold the funeral here, seeing as it held a higher place in their affections than me, their only child.

Amidst the subdued murmurs and the gentle clatter of glass dishes, I feel engulfed by a sea of stares, ranging from sympathetic to judgmental. The spicy floral perfumes mingle with the scent of the savory meat and cheese dishes. It all assaults my senses at once, and hits me like a ton of bricks to the stomach. I feel sick, and sad, and pissed off all at the same time .

“Ella?” Madi touches my shoulder, jolting me to the present. “What can I do to help you right now?”

“I…I need air.” Clutching my stomach, I stumble towards the creaking fire exit door of the building, desperate for fresh air and to be alone. Escaping outside to an overgrown row of tall green shrubs, I grasp my dark hair with a trembling hand, as I hurl into the greenery.

This isn’t how life was supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to be suddenly without a family, and smack dab in the middle of both my parents’ funeral reception. I wasn’t supposed to be settling their affairs with a lawyer from one of those highway billboards, and putting my childhood home up for sale.

Back in Washington, I have a life. Albeit, it isn’t much of one ever since my break-up with Stephen two months ago. But I have a job. I have a new plant baby, that’s most likely now wilting in my window sill, neglected in my absence. At the very least, it is the meager beginnings of something I can proudly call my own.

This …this is too much. I’ve never been the strong or resilient one. I’m not known for my quick thinking or problem-solving skills, nor am I great at rolling with the punches.

I, Ella Thatcher, am an anxious as fuck, people-pleasing, overthinker. I’m the one who says ‘ no worries ,’ when in fact I will worry in one thousand and one different ways.

Why couldn’t they have given me a sibling? Someone to share the burden or a shoulder to lean on. Someone to begrudgingly stare down Mrs. Patterson and her friends, as they scrutinized the hemline of my black wrap dress while I thanked every attendee today.

Crouching down with my elbows on my knees, I focus on catching my breath.

Inhale, exhale. In, out. Simple, easy.

The squeal of the back door hinges alert me that I’m no longer alone. Yet, I don’t give enough of a damn to look up.

Spiked heels clicking on the cement path hurry toward me. “Oh, shit. Breathe, girl. I’m here.” Delaney squishes my body to hers as she envelops me into a hug. If it were anyone else, I might feel awkward, but with her, it feels natural. She’s strength personified in one pint-sized human.

“Is everyone staring at me through the window right now?” I ask, attempting to glance over my shoulder.

“Eh, a few. But fuck ‘em. Say the word and I can really give them something to talk about. Want me to flash them my thong?”

I let out a brief laugh, unsure if it’s entirely genuine or laced with tears.

“Save all your thong flashing for Cole. My mom’s friends talking about me isn’t anything new anyways.”

“I should tell them their casseroles taste like dog food.”

I try my best to half-ass a smile in response, but she can see straight through my veil of pretending to be okay.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, Ella.”

“It sounds too horrible to say out loud.”

“Nothing can shock me. You could tell me you believed the earth was flat, and I still wouldn’t blink an eye. So spit it out.”

I sigh, forcing the words out, that my brain is yelling at me to never say aloud. “I’m sad they’re gone. But I’m also really, really pissed. Like how could they both go on the same day? I know it wasn’t like they could have planned it, but still. Their house is a disaster. They’re in a decent amount of debt. Now everything falls on my shoulders. At this rate, I’ll be stuck here in this mess for months. And I really, really don’t want to deal with any of this right now.” I shrug. “We rarely spoke. I didn’t even know if they wanted to be buried or cremated.”

“Which option did you choose?”

“Cremation. It was cheaper.”

“Solid choice, there’s something creepy about bodies decomposing while in formal attire.” She grabs my hand and pulls me up straight, before adjusting my dress back into place. “This sucks, we can all agree on that. But you’ve got this. Take it one day, one decision, at a time. There’s no wrong way to feel about a situation like this—it’s all survival mode at this point. And we’re here for you. Always.”

“When did you get so wise?”

“Cole must’ve injected it into me through his magical penis.”

This time, a real laugh escapes. “Oh god. Please stop there.”

“You sure? I’ve got at least thirty more good dick jokes on file in my brain right now.”

“Positive.” Glancing at the door, the thought of reentering the war zone of my mother’s most condemnatory friends fills me with dread.

Delaney must see the hesitation written all over me, as she grabs my shoulders and spins me in the opposite direction of the church hall. She pushes me toward the parking lot and spanks my ass. “Go. You’ve done your time. It’s all wrapping up anyways. Madi and I got this and we’ll clean up.”

“I should stay—” There’s not one ounce of me that wants to stay, but the people pleasing side of me knows what I should do. Everyone will talk if I’m not there until the last person leaves. They’ll believe whatever lies my mother surely told them about me being an absent daughter.

She hands me my purse that she somehow magically knew to bring out here with her. “Go have a drink. Take a bath. Masturbate. Do what you need to do to get through this. And don’t you dare set foot back in there. Let us do this, let us help you.”

I fold faster than a deck of cards. “Fine. Thank you.” Before parting ways, I embrace her, recognizing that my best friends are more like family to me than my own parents ever were. Thank goodness for that shared crush on the boy who never even knew we existed all those years ago. It gave me two friendships that have felt more like family than anything I’ve ever known.

Turning to the pink azalea-lined pathway that leads to the parking lot, I hear her voice call out from several yards away. “And hey, don’t forget Jude lives in Lawson again. Just in case you need a warm body to cuddle up with tonight.”

Walking away, I flip her off without bothering to look back. The mere mention of his name stops my heart.

Jude—the one person I’ve tried, and failed, to banish from my thoughts for the last ten years. One of the reasons why I ran away from this small town as soon as I got the opportunity.

He remains my tender spot, the one who emotionally wounded me so deeply that it has never fully healed. The one who ruined all my subsequent relationships because they felt like crumbs compared to what I had with him.

Even now, after all these years, the ache of that bruise lingers.

And in this unpredictable world, there’s only one thing I’m absolutely certain of—that I will be going nowhere near him ever again.