Chapter Thirty-Two Maya

Chapter Thirty-Two

Maya

January 2012

On the way to Cecily’s room at Sterling, I tried to shake the strange feeling I’d had when I’d run into Lila in Professor DuPont’s office. To try to stop wondering how he knew about me and Nate. When I opened the door, Cecily, Daisy, and Kai were in pajamashorts and bras, dancing as they drank and did one another’s makeup for Winter Formal. Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” pulsed from the speakers and masquerade masks lay scattered on the bed and floor next to gowns with labels like Balenciaga, Tom Ford, and Chanel, open bags of Haribo cherry candy, and copies of Vogue.

They looked at me when I walked in, and I feared they could see it on my face: the shame of what I’d done with Nate over winter break. I was a traitor.

“I want to get seriously messed up tonight,” Cecily said, sitting at her desk as she threaded an earring through her earlobe.

“What happened?” Kai asked.

But Cecily dismissed her with a quick shake of her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

I felt a stab of guilt. Was it about Nate? I had to say something.

I opened my mouth, ready to come clean, but just then there was a knock at the door and Marta popped her head in. “Excuse me, ladies, they would like you to please lower the music.”

“Marta,” Cecily snapped. “Can’t you see we’re getting ready?”

Marta shook her head and muttered something to herself before disappearing once again, but she shut the door hard enough to make the desk shake and to make Cecily, who’d been holding a mascara wand up to her face, stab herself in the eye. “Damn it.”

“Do you have to talk to her like that?” I said. Marta had been kind to me since I’d joined. She seemed to understand I was different from the others.

“Relax,” Cecily said as Kai handed her a cotton swab to fix her eye. “She’s worked for us for years, she’s like family.”

Kai nodded. “She can pretty much do whatever she wants, and she’s paid more than any housekeeper I’ve ever met.”

—

I tried to calm my nerves as we put on our masks and wandered down to the party at Sterling. I regretted inviting Nate—it would be the first time all three of us were in the same room. I glanced at Cecily. I’ll talk to her tomorrow.

We paused at the top of the stairs. Below us, the front hall was filled with members and their guests in tuxedos and gowns, flickering candles dancing across their masked faces, feathers, and gold filigree. Around them, every surface was adorned with flowers, decorated for the masquerade theme.

As the four of us descended, a hush fell over the space as heads turned one by one to take us in. A girl at the bottom of the stairs whispered to her date— That’s Cecily St. Clair.

I didn’t rush to find Nate, and half an hour later the champagne had gone to my head and the room was pulsing with a warm glow as we danced. As the four of us swayed to the music, the room and the chandelier and the rest of the party seemed to sway with us.

Later, I found Nate standing alone by the fireplace.

“You look amazing,” he said as I approached. He gave me a hug, and the brush of his fingers on my arm made me shiver.

When he stepped back, I took in the rest of him. He was wearing a tux that fit him nicely, and his eyes glowed next to the fire. “You too.”

I liked him, I really did, and it was impossible to hide. He smiled as if he could hear my thoughts, and a warmth spread over my chest followed quickly by a jolt of guilt. As if she had heard them too, I looked up to find Cecily staring in my direction. She and Kai had left the dance floor and were making their way toward the dining room. She gestured for me to follow, and I nodded.

“It’s been weird with Cecily,” I admitted, once they’d disappeared into the other room.

“I haven’t had a chance to talk to her,” Nate said, his face settling into a frown.

“She seems upset, and I’m worried it’s about you.” I felt my cheeks warm with frustration—I wanted him to share the guilt weighing over me, the fact that Cecily might never forgive what I’d done. I shook my head and walked away from him toward the dining room.

He followed. “Hey, wait.”

When we got to the dining room, I turned back to him. “This was a bad idea, you being here. We shouldn’t even be talking right now.”

“Then let’s tell her, get it over with.” He grabbed my hand and began guiding me toward the table where Cecily and Kai sat.

My heart fluttered with panic. “No. Wait—”

But it was too late. Nate had already called out her name.

—

My cheeks flamed as we sat down at the long dining table. I’d never wanted to disappear as badly as I did right then. Nate slid into the chair next to Cecily, who had Kai on her other shoulder and cozied up to her as I sank into the chair next to Daisy.

As Nate and Cecily spoke in hushed whispers, sweat accumulated on my back. I tried to calm myself: Relax, everything’s fine. Nate will tell her the truth, that we didn’t mean for this to happen, and—

“Is it true?” Cecily was staring at me. The air grew still around us, everyone’s conversations quieting.

I looked at her, my mouth open, and said nothing.

She stood, her chair skidding back with a screech. “Are you serious?”

More heads turned. Shocked inhales. She was standing over me as Nate stood behind her, trying to calm her down.

“Woah, just chill, all right? It’s not her fault,” Nate said, but I put up a hand. He was wrong, it was my fault.

I stood and forced myself to meet her eyes. She was furious. “Cecily. I—”

“Wow, Maya. How dare you—to think this whole time you’ve been hooking up with my ex behind my back.”

“I thought you ended things. That it wasn’t serious—”

“I can’t even look at you right now,” Cecily said, before knocking over my champagne. She swore under her breath and marched away.

I melted back down and dropped my face into my palms.

“Don’t worry about her,” Daisy said, moving to clean up the spilled drink. “She’ll get over it.”

“That went well,” Nate said sarcastically. He touched my arm, but I drew back and glared at him before storming away.

—

I found Cecily outside by the pool, dragging one hand across the water. She’d clearly been crying, and when she saw me approach, she turned her face away. I stood behind her awkwardly, looking down at my hands.

“I came to say…I’m sorry.” When she didn’t move, I cautiously sat down next to her, leaving a few feet between us. I tried to meet her eyes. “I should have told you.”

We sat in silence, steam peeling off the surface of the pool, currents whipping around us in the cold night air. I braced myself for her fury, but when she turned to me, all I saw was hurt. “I thought I could trust you.”

“I know.” I looked down, filled with shame. “And you can.”

“It’s not even about him, it’s about you. That you’d do something like that,” she explained. “I was just distracting myself with him anyway. I would never date Nate Banks in the real world.”

I sat back, confused. “What do you mean? Why not?”

She laughed again. “Could you imagine? My mother would have a heart attack.”

Because he’s Black?

I thought of so many things—how uncomfortable it had been to meet my high school boyfriend’s aunt and uncle, how my mother’s Chinese parents threatened to disown her when she got engaged to my dad, how people had treated me and my sister because of the particular blending of genes that made up our DNA—and felt my cheeks go hot. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, don’t. If anyone gets to be upset here, it’s me,” she said. “Besides, I’ve already moved on…college boys like Nate aren’t for me.” She finished the rest of her drink.

“I’m so tired of all this,” Cecily said. “Everyone needs to stop acting like the world is against them. Men have treated women like that for centuries.”

What was this, the oppression Olympics? Did we have to compete for last place?

“Forget about it,” Cecily said now, standing and adjusting her dress. “You can have Nate Banks. Let’s go inside—I want another drink.”

—

We found Daisy and Kai on the dance floor, and I forced myself to drink, to dance, to forget. The DJ turned up the music and bass throbbed low and steady from the speakers. Girls removed their heels, twirled by tuxedoed young men. I could sense the unresolved tension between Cecily and me, her comments burrowing under my skin like a tick, until to my relief, she left the dance floor and disappeared into the crowd.

I took a deep breath. Across the room, I caught sight of Nate standing alone off to one side. He looked handsome in his tux, locs pulled back from his face, eyes scanning the crowd, and when he saw me, he smiled and a warm sensation tingled through me.

I went to him and leaned in close. “Sorry about earlier. I think I’ve smoothed things over with Cecily. Come with me, I want to show you something.”

—

On our way out, Nate draped his blazer over my shoulders, and I looked back one last time at the party. It had devolved into chaos. Daisy was leaning over the railing, pouring champagne into a boy’s mouth below. Kai was barefoot, the skirt of her dress hiked up, sliding down the banister with a shot glass in her mouth. And Cecily was nowhere to be found. Nearby, a wineglass shattered.

I turned to Nate. “Have you ever skinny-dipped in Lake Carnegie?”

“Uh. Not sure if you’ve noticed, but it’s snowing outside.”

“Scared of catching a cold?” I teased.

Nate raised an eyebrow. “You can’t be serious.”

But the fight with Cecily had made me reckless, and I was already running for the door. “Don’t be a loser!”

—

As we stood side by side on the ledge overlooking the lake, flurries of snow dancing around us, it felt like we were far away from reality, the only ones left in the world. I was shivering, but I didn’t care.

He handed me a bottle of wine he’d stolen from the bar, and I took a long swig. Nate cupped a hand over his mouth and shouted into the dark. “Woooo!” His voice echoed across the vast space.

I shouted too, relieved to release the heaviness in my chest.

“I needed that after tonight,” I said to him, relieved to be feeling better.

When we sat down, Nate turned to me. “Why do you hang out with those people?”

“What do you mean?”

“Cecily, Kai, even Daisy…I don’t get it. They’re nothing like you—just spoiled trust fund kids.”

I frowned. “You’re the one who hooked up with her.”

“At least I don’t follow her around like a lapdog.”

A lapdog? His words were like a blow to the center of my chest. “I don’t do that.” And what did he know? “We actually have more in common than you’d think.”

“Oh yeah?” Nate laughed, sarcastically. “Like the fact your ancestors were owned by hers?”

My cheeks flamed. “Don’t do this. Just because you’re not in Sterling and all you do is make music with a bunch of stoners—” I stopped myself when I saw his hurt expression.

Nate took a minute to answer. “Hey, look: what Princeton means to me and what it means to you, those are two different things…” I opened my mouth to take it back, but he put up a hand. “Those stoners who are my friends?” His eyes flashed with what I could tell was hurt and anger. “Jamal’s pre-med and volunteers at a hospital on the weekends. AJ works a full-time job to support his family while going to school, and he’s still going to graduate with honors. So yeah, all we do besides school and work is make music and smoke a little weed on the weekend. Give me a goddamn break.” He was breathing hard.

“I didn’t mean—”

“That society you’re in, Greystone ?”

I looked at him, surprised. I hadn’t told him I was in Greystone. Had Cecily?

“—bunch of power-hungry pricks. They let you in because right now it’s a good look to have one light-skinned Black girl around.”

It stung with truth.

But at the same time, he didn’t understand how much I needed Greystone to make something of myself. How much Naomi needed it. I had a level of privilege, there was no denying it—but Nate’s mother was still alive, his brothers in Chicago, not on the other side of the country. Naomi and I didn’t have anyone.

“Look, I don’t have the luxury to turn down an opportunity like this. Maybe you would’ve turned down Greystone…but some of us have to make compromises to survive.”

I was pushing myself to my feet when he reached out and grabbed my hand, held it tight. “Hey,” he said, and when I looked at him, his eyes were filled with emotion. “Forget it. Sorry, this shit—gets me heated.”

He draped an arm around me, and we sat in silence, the air heavy between us. Nate moved his other hand onto my thigh, and when I met his eyes, he was looking at me differently. His eyes were darker, more intense, and before I could say anything else, he pulled me toward him and kissed me.

A few seconds later, I pulled away, tore my dress over my head, and pushed myself off the ledge.

And with a rush of wind, I was falling. Down. Down. Plunging into the ice-cold water, air whipping from my lungs, and for a moment, everything went dark, and I wondered if my body was having an adverse reaction to the cold. I heard my blood rushing in my ears and felt the weight of Nate’s words as they circled around me. I wondered if I was the awful one, being with him, or being in Greystone, or whether I was going to drown in this ice-cold water and none of it mattered.

When I finally breached the surface with a gasp, I caught my breath and looked up to find Nate standing on the ledge, shirtless, shivering. I laughed at the sight of him.

“Water’s perfect!” I shouted as I swam for the shore.

“You’re full of shit!” he replied, and with a howl, he jumped too.