Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

T aylor embraced the impending feeling of chaos that she knew would soon settle around her, as it painted her willpower with a new sense of purpose. She set a flashlight on the nightstand, along with a glass of water and a granola bar. Sam had moved a queen-sized bed out of Anna’s guest room, carried it over in his truck, and set it up in Lennon’s nursery, making plenty of room for Johnny to sleep with his mom. They’d taken the crib and dressing table out, putting it in Alice’s room. There wasn’t much they could do about the pale-yellow walls and nursery theme, but she was doing the best she could for the situation. Alice had easily agreed to let Lennon stay in her room for a while without any fuss at all, but Taylor hoped it wouldn’t be long.

A teenager needed her own room. And a baby needed a very quiet environment.

Alice would be quiet when Lennon was sleeping, but she couldn’t tip toe around completely. There were bound to be some commotion and sleepless nights before everyone settled in. Especially tonight, because it was New Year’s Eve and, no doubt, someone close would be setting off fireworks, creating havoc with all their animals who would be terrified and thinking the world was coming to an end.

Cecil, Ellis, and Sam had worked hard all morning to make sure all the fencing was tight, and no one would try to bolt through any escape patches during their fright.

“What’s this for?” Lucy asked, pointing at the unopened box in the corner of the room.

“Oh, Sam’s dad got it for the baby, but we aren’t going to use it. Sam read up and found some bad reviews. It’s like a little nest that’s supposed to keep the baby feeling snug in the crib, like they’re in the womb. The elevated cloth sides are the problem, as Lennon could snuggle into it and suffocate.”

“Oh. Yikes. Why don’t you take it back? Get a refund?”

“Probably will eventually. It’s just not easy for me to get out and do stuff like that yet.”

Lucy plopped down on the bed. “Exactly. And that’s why I shouldn’t be here, adding more stress to you. I swear, I’ll be fine at my house.”

Cate had tried to talk Lucy into coming to their house, but Lucy felt that, if they were going to insist she couldn’t go to her own cabin, that Johnny would be happier where he could interact with Alice and the baby.

Taylor was tired, and she’d been sneaking back and forth to her room and computer, trying to at least do research for Shane. Something to feel a part of what was going on. To help find who had wiped out the Colburns. Sam didn’t know it yet, and she felt bad for keeping it from him, but she didn’t want to hear any flak.

It was going to be harder to sneak around with Lucy there, but she’d manage.

“Let’s not argue about this again, please.” She sat beside her sister and pulled a pillow onto her lap to snuggle. Lucy’s official diagnosis was depression with catatonic features , but Taylor wondered if it was really more than that. They’d only held her for five days, and how could you really know anything in that short amount of time? “How are you feeling? Do you want to talk about what it was like there?”

“I’m feeling fine, and it was boring as hell. They treat you like you’re crazy there,” Lucy said. “After the ER evaluation, they took me to a small building on the same hospital campus. I don’t remember much of that day, but I woke up the next morning to a nurse drawing my blood and I nearly punched her in the nose. They shouldn’t sneak up and do shit like that when you’re sleeping.”

Taylor chuckled. That was her youngest sister, always ready to fight.

“So did they do any kind of counseling?”

Lucy nodded. “Yep. Like three times a day. And we weren’t allowed to sleep between the meetings. There was no access to computers. We had a day room with a couch and chairs, but it was always something ridiculous on the TV. Believe it or not, I spent a lot of time reading. Cate brought me a few books. One was called The Secret Life of Sunflowers and, man, was it good. I learned a lot about Van Gogh and his struggle to be recognized, and the support he got from his brother and sister-in-law. He spent a year in an asylum before he died. It sure made me feel better about my circumstances.”

Taylor laughed. “Well, I think that—back then—people were sent to asylums for just about anything, but I’m glad you got some time to rest and read. Maybe you really needed it, Lucy. You’ve really been working hard building your art consulting business. Too hard.”

“Yeah. And to be honest, I’m tired of trying to go through life trying to fix or improve myself for the sake of everyone else. From now on, I’m just going to be me, whatever it is.”

That didn’t sound good. They all needed to work to improve themselves—or be a better version of themselves, Lucy just as much as everyone else, but now wasn’t the time to go deep. Taylor changed the subject.

“Could you go outside at the clinic?”

“Yeah, we had a small yard to exercise but it was surrounded by a tall fence, like we’re in prison. The medication window was insulting, too. You go for your meds, and they hand it to you in a tiny paper cup, then you have to take it and show them your mouth so they can confirm you swallowed it. They wake you at six in the morning and hand over your hygiene bag. When you finish brushing your teeth, washing up and putting on the deodorant, you have to hand it back in, so, yeah ... they treat you like you are crazy. And let me tell you, there were a lot of people in there who weren’t crazy. They were smart and funny. Some of them just brought in for a day or two after getting picked up high or drunk and brought to the ER.”

“I know one way they can avoid ending up there,” Taylor said.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. The food was decent, though. We got one cup of coffee a day, and it wasn’t great, but the meals were okay. To be honest, it kind of felt good for the strict routine, and having a time without having to make any choices or decisions. Just did what they told me to do, but I missed Johnny terribly. I don’t want to be separated from him like that ever again.”

Taylor hoped it never happened again, too. “Do you think the counseling helped?”

Lucy shrugged. “Not really. Some of our group meetings were just us sitting around requesting songs and the leader would play it on her phone for us. Those weren’t bad. I hated the meetings with the social worker. One meeting she had everyone close their eyes and go back to one of their worst experiences in their mind. She had some of them bawling their eyes out. I don’t think that was helpful at all. ”

“Did you go back to one?”

“No,” Lucy shook her head. “I’ve got plenty of really traumatic experiences I ran into on the streets, around Atlanta and in New York. Even with my son’s sperm donor. But God knows I don’t want to relive any of them.”

“Don’t you think that talking about it might help?”

“Sure don’t. Don’t want to talk about it to her, or you, or to anyone else. What I’ve learned over the years on the rare occasions I’ve been dumb enough to open up to someone is that people have a lot to say about lives they’ve never lived.”

Taylor wished so hard that she could help Lucy. She was just so tough, but she needed to find a way to open up to someone or she was never going to heal from the things that had happened in her past.

Alice peeked in the door, then came in, Johnny on her shoulders.

“Look, Mama,” he said, smiling from ear-to-ear.

“Oh my goodness, you’re so tall!” Lucy replied.

Johnny cackled out, his laughter ringing through the house.

If there was one thing that Taylor knew for sure, it was that Lucy loved her kid more than anything. But did she love him enough to get serious about getting her mental health on track?