Chapter 14

FOURTEEN

ELLA

What a strange reality I’m in. An hour or so post-seizure, Ella usually felt like she was in a lucid dream. She could control her actions. She knew, sort of, where she was, but reality was tilted. She’d often look for something she thought she lost but was unsure of what the object was. Or she’d say yes to random things ( “Do you like black licorice?” “Yes!,” when really, black licorice is disgusting ).

Having Sophie in the back of the SUV as Thomas navigated them to her house, was not what it felt like after a seizure. But it definitely messed with her reality.

Sophie was mostly quiet as they exited the highway. After walking almost two miles to a spot where Thomas could pick them up, Sophie dove into panic mode of how much time they’d lost since being evacuated. She instant messaged everyone and tossed the phone to the side when no one responded. Her phone pinged and she snapped it up.

“Malcolm said the fire department hasn’t cleared the building yet. Tow trucks have arrived, and we should all take the day off.” She pushed her head back into the seat and pinched the bridge of her nose. “It’s nice and all, but we don’t have a day to waste. Everything will be pushed back.”

Sophie’s work ethic was one for the record books, and Ella could understand the need to succeed. And she’d been more than vocal about wanting to take the cruise, which wouldn’t happen if they didn’t complete the launch on time. Ella had a strong inclination to offer to pay for a cruise for her if they missed the deadline. But she hated the idea that Sophie might see that as a condescending offer, not a genuine gift.

As Ella’s neighborhood came into focus, Sophie stared out the window with her lips pressed together. It was impossible to gauge what she was thinking. When Ella first had Jasmine over, she droned on about the home sizes, the intricate landscaping, and asked, “Is it true Dave Matthews lives in this neighborhood?”

But Sophie wasn’t asking about who may or may not live in the neighborhood, she wasn’t lamenting about the gardeners, or the houses, or if everyone had “maids and a bell.” She was just… neutral.

The car pulled into the driveway and Sophie reached for the door.

“Wait.” Ella pressed her hand against Sophie’s. “Thomas opens the door for you.”

Sophie tilted her head. “Why?”

“Ah… because that’s the rules?” As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she wanted to laugh them back in. She had never questioned why Thomas opened the door.

“Hmmm.” Sophie popped open the door with a sly grin. “I’ve never been one for rules.”

Thomas pivoted with a chuckle and stepped quickly to open Ella’s door. “Your new friend is going to get me fired.”

“Oh, stop. My parents would die without you.” She crossed the driveway toward the front door and motioned Sophie to follow. “Please tell me my mom’s not home.”

Thomas shook his head. “She’s not.”

If she didn’t know any better, she’d think that Thomas had the slightest scolding in his microscopically lifted brow, and maybe she deserved it. She’d been pretty hard on her mom these last few weeks. She was trying to show her grace, after her conversation with Colleen, but her mom had turned clingy as hell after she started her job and it was grating on her more and more.

“She’s having a late lunch with friends in Elliott Bay.” He checked his watch. “I’m going to head back to the city and wait for her if you two are okay?”

“Yep, we’re good.” At least, she was good. Sophie looked a little pale-faced and uncomfortable as she scraped at her nail polish. Ella paused at the door, taking a breath. This whole sweaty-palm, dry-mouth thing happening was totally uncalled for. Even though Sophie was drop-dead gorgeous, she was still just a co-worker. And yet, something about the day felt reminiscent of when she brought Jasmine here, when her heart thudded in her chest, when she couldn’t wait to run up to the bedroom to feel Jasmine against her and taste her skin.

She didn’t miss Jasmine. Not really, anyway. Her heart had mended and healed, but the sense of betrayal lingered, grazing beneath the surface like an old, faint scar.

Sophie followed her into the room and stopped at the foyer, her gaze traveling up the grand staircase and across the room. Her shoulders lifted in an inhale when she firmed her shoulders and dropped her backpack. “Where should we set up?”

Work. Yes, obviously they were here to work. “Um, we can go into the den off the kitchen. Are you hungry at all? We can grab snacks, or our housekeeper, Lydia, could make something for us?”

“Housekeeper?” Sophie’s eyes widened. “Oh, uh. No, I’m good. Thanks, though. I’ll just follow you.”

These heart palpitations needed to slow down, or Ella was going to pass out. Why was she so nervous? Was it because she had very few friends and limited guests? Or was it because of who she was with? She needed to get out of her head, stop acting weird, stop tensing her shoulders. For nearly a month, she’d sat next to Sophie every day. They ate together and ran for coffee breaks. She knew that around 10:00 a.m. Sophie got hungry and reached for a snack, that she adored Malcolm but didn’t like the lead designer, and that she cracked her knuckles after typing for too long. But here, now, felt different.

She led Sophie through the entryway and down to the kitchen, motioning to the custom oak corner table. Even though Sophie said she didn’t want anything, Ella still grabbed a few bottles of water, and joined her. The rustling of backpacks and notebooks filled the otherwise silent space, and soon, the clicking of keyboards took over.

The nerves burned off and Ella focused on the timeline review, finished the water, and grabbed snacks. Mid-crunch, Sophie slammed the laptop shut and groaned.

“No one is responding to anything.” She plucked a grape from the fruit bowl and popped it into her mouth. “This is useless. We are at a complete standstill.”

“So now what?”

Sophie stretched and her gaze shifted to Lake Washington. Her eyes traveled across the courtyard, stopping at the garden, when she tugged on her lips. “Can I ask you a question? Like a really personal one?”

This could go one of a million ways. Was this a sex talk? Socioeconomic talk? A getting-to-know-you-on-a-deeper-level talk? “Sure.”

“Is it hard to have epilepsy?” Sophie’s cheeks turned red, and she pressed her palm into her forehead. “God, sorry. What a dumbass question. I can’t believe I just asked that.”

Ella tugged on a grape and focused on the fruit in her hand. “Yes, it’s hard.” A replay roll of her life flashed in her mind. Doctors, meds, invasive exams, the sickening fear and helplessness she felt the moment right before a seizure hit. But recognizing her resiliency over the years, knowing she could power through anything, was a gift. “I missed a full year of school, twice . In the sixth grade, I literally couldn’t absorb anything. And in college, it happened again. I missed so much class, nearly failed some courses, constantly retook tests, and asked for accommodations… Yeah, it’s hard.”

Sophie bit the side of her lip. “I’ve never known anyone with epilepsy. I think there are a lot of things I take for granted.”

“Probably.” Ella plucked a few more grapes from the vine and slid the bowl closer to Sophie. “Like, I can’t take a bath or go in a pool without supervision. We have this amazing hot tub outside, and the only time I can use it is with my mom or dad. I mean, can you imagine how fun it is to sit in the tub with King George?”

Sophie’s eyes flashed wide. “King George? Um…”

“You all are not as discreet as you may think.” She’d heard the term rumbled through the hall a few times. “I’m not mad, though. I think he’d like it.”

“Whew.” Sophie overexaggerated wiping faux sweat from her brow. “But yeah, not sure I’d want to go hot tubbing with your dad, either.”

“Right? Or, like, I don’t know. I can’t get drunk, or have too much sugar, or go to a rave because of the blinking lights.” Although, admittedly, a rave never sounded fun. Too loud, too many sweaty bodies smooshed together, the fear of a fire hazard and trampling over each other. “Driving a car. That one kills me. I’ve always wanted to but can’t.”

Sophie tapped her fingers against the water bottle. “I hate driving. I have a car, but I hate it so much that I take the bus most places.”

“But you have the option, you know?” Ella stood and leaned against the window, watching the water below. She’d long ago accepted she had epilepsy. It was part of her, a piece of her identity, woven into the fiber of her being. But the restlessness of her restrictions weighed heavily, seeping into her bones. “Sometimes I feel like I have no options. I’m just… Ugh. I’m so restless. I’m so just over it all. I want to drive so bad. I know it seems super simple, and I have all this.” She jutted her arms to the view outside. “But I want to feel what’s it like to push a gas pedal and make something move. I want to turn a wheel. I want to hot tub without my dad!”

God damn her lips trembling in front of Sophie of all people. She turned her back to Sophie and stared out the window, hoping the mist hitting the trees would distract her. Besides the fateful night with her parents when she forced them to let her work, and the breakup with Jasmine, and a couple of weeks ago in the office, crying actually was not a norm. She swallowed back the urge to kick Sophie out, while fighting the longing to hug her.

Sophie joined her at the window, standing so close she felt their skin brush. A subtle, cedar-laced scent traveled from her, and Ella wanted to melt. So many moments passed Ella wasn’t sure what would break the silence. “Such a beautiful view,” Sophie finally said. “Do you ever worry a dead body will wash up on your lawn?”

Ella broke into a giggle. “That’s so random.” The relief that Sophie had broken the icy moment was enough for Ella to really want to wrap her arms around her. Sophie’s lips split into a wide grin, her lip ring rising. That mouth… those lips. So pretty, so soft… “Come on. Let’s raid the pantry.”

After loading up on cheese, crackers, berries, and chocolate-covered almonds, Sophie dug into the food as Ella fetched more drinks. The conversation turned to movies, music, and a discovered shared love of plain potato chips dipped in sour cream. Because, obviously.

“Can I ask another question?” Sophie asked as she palmed a few almonds. “Do people with epilepsy know when they’re about to have a seizure?”

Ella spread fig jam on top of a Brie chunk. “I do, but everyone is different. I have an aura.” She bit into the cracker. “Have you heard of it?”

Sophie shook her head.

“For some people, like me, I smell something sort of like metallic or sulfur. I used to tell my parents that something smelled funny, and they’d know it was coming.” She dusted the crumbs from her fingertips, thinking of how to articulate the sensation right before a seizure. “Have you ever walked down the stairs and you think you’ve reached the bottom, but really there’s one more step? There’s a sort of panicking feeling right before you trip, like you’re not sure if you’re going to fall and break an ankle. That happens immediately before a seizure for me. But it’s not enough warning for me to take my spray.”

Sophie lifted a bottle to her mouth. “What spray?”

“If I seize, I have emergency nasal spray, it helps stop the seizures within a minute or two.”

“Will you show me how to use it?”

Sophie asked so quickly, with no hesitation, and it warmed Ella. This whole conversation, Sophie leaned on her elbows towards Ella, like she was memorizing words, or in class with a world-renowned professor. Nothing appeared to be grossing or freaking her out or giving her some disgusting savior complex.

It wasn’t Ella’s intention to bring up the spray to teach Sophie how to use it, but it made sense. Her parents had been harping on having Sophie or Malcolm learn to use it since she started her job, and she knew her dad always had one in his pocket. Him popping by several times a day to “check on the team” was probably not the norm, and she had a sneaking suspicion it was in case she needed the medication. She dug out the spray from her purse and gripped it between her pointer and middle finger. “Just like saline spray for a cold. Hold here. Plunge here.”

Sophie reached out her hand, and Ella placed it in her palm. Her eyes scanned the back as she read the fine print instructions, and she juggled it between her fingers.

Heavy mist tapped against the window, a steady, rhythmic stream as the silence grew in length but also in comfort. Besides her aunt Colleen, most everyone in Ella’s life had treated her as fragile, a case, someone who needed help. Sophie treated her as an equal.

Ella moved closer, consumed with the need to brush Sophie’s cheek with her fingers. To see if her skin was really as soft as it looked. The mist and low hum of water hitting the pane was hypnotic. Ella felt like she was floating, only anchored by the thought that if she could just touch Sophie once, she’d be good. She could satisfy her curiosity and stop thinking of her so much.

The German-made, historic grandfather clock in the entryway chimed and Sophie swung her head toward the hallway. She checked her watch and Ella knew this moment, this time together, was ending. She wanted to elongate it but how to do that without seeming needy? But God , she didn’t want Sophie to leave. Maybe she could ask her to watch a movie, and they could curl up under a blanket with buttered popcorn. Something, anything, to not break this feeling.

“Well, I think work is done.” Sophie moved back to the table and unplugged her laptop. “We haven’t had a single email since noon. I guess the team just called it a day.”

The sinking in Ella’s gut was fierce, like a lust roller coaster that just plummeted. “You’re probably right.”

Stop being so sad. This is what happens when you don’t spend time with people.

“Hey…” Sophie’s tongue flicked across her lip. “I have a crazy idea.”

The tone in Sophie’s voice made Ella’s heart perk up. “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

Sophie glanced behind her, almost to confirm they were alone, then inched toward Ella. “Got an extra suit?”