18. CODY

CODY

“ A lright, boys, bring it in,” Coach said, holding out his arms to us. We all formed a loose huddle in the dugout. The lights above the diamond burned bright and buzzed in tandem with the overwhelming noise from the crowd.

It was hard enough to think, let alone listen to whatever bullshit speech Coach was about to dole out. Today’s game against Perrin wouldn’t be an easy win, less so because we were the away team. The chant coming from the bleachers was solely for the Perrin Pumas, with very little support flooding in from town for us.

Parents and a few friends had made the three-hour trip to the town over, but not enough to drown out the constant reminder that we were in enemy territory. Every mile we drove out of town tore a small strip off my already hemorrhaging heart. I missed Lorraine. I missed her more than any seventeen-year-old boy should miss anyone. But I couldn’t stop the feelings once they had started. I didn't have control over the monster that formed inside of me.

Life didn’t have the same glow without her around.

“Cody, pay attention!” Coach snapped, and his hand clapped against the back of my head. “We go out hard, we keep our swings loose and our throws tight. No funny business today. There’s too much riding on this game, not only for the school but for the few of you phasing out next year. The scouts are here. Make them pay attention.”

“Yes, Coach!” We all barked in unison.

“On the count of three,” he said and counted us into a tight cheer that did nothing for our nerves.

Perrin was tough; they played dirty, and all their guys looked like they were thirty years old. After missing nearly two weeks of games… I felt out of practice. All my muscles were tighter than usual, my throat was dry, and my fingers were stiff as I grabbed my bat from the fenced-out area.

I dug my heel into the sand to ground myself and closed my eyes, but Lorraine was there, in the darkness, with her serene smile and glassy blue eyes. One day, my kids would have those eyes , her smile, her heart, I thought. One day, I would be enough for her.

“You alright?” Landry’s voice cut through the peace like a hot knife, and I opened my eyes. The rush of an inordinate amount of noise flowed back in around me, and my bubble popped.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I said, but his fingers curled around my shoulder. “I’m a mess, but I’ve played in worse conditions,” I admitted under his gaze.

Landry watched me for a second longer before backing away to his position on deck. In any other game, on any other day, I would have fought for first at-bat, but today, I was scared. The Perrin pitcher knew it too because as I stepped into the batter's back, a sick smile spread across his ugly face, and he turned to give his first baseman a look that meant trouble.

I did my best to fill my lungs with fresh air, to focus on the smell of damp grass, and turned over sand. I counted carefully to ten in my head before stepping in on the Ump’s call and tightening my hands on the bat.

The pitcher stepped back, his body angled toward me with his hand in his glove and his eyes baring down on my shoulders. I watched him count in his head before pulling his arm back and releasing the ball. It hurled toward me, and before I could register what was going on, the ball was in the catcher's glove, and I was on strike one.

“Come on, Cody. Focus.” Coach grumbled from the dugout, just loud enough for me to heal. For a man who shrugged off me missing today’s game, he sure was putting a lot on my shoulders. The stress was enough to make my back leg shake as the pitcher aimed to embarrass me a second time.

I inhaled again, steadying myself for the incoming pitch. I swung hard this time but still managed to fuck it up. The ball jumped far right and was called foul the second it left the box. I stepped back and looked up at the darkening sky to find my center, but my stomach dropped.

With the blaring diamond lights and smack dab in the middle of Perrin, there wasn’t a star in sight. The sky was pitch black and suddenly, I felt even more alone than I had before.

Lorraine was nowhere to be found.

The next swing I took cracked my resolve as the ball connected with the bat and soared out to left field above the heads of all their outfielders. I was numb to the excitement happening behind me in the dugout, everyone hollering for me to run. So I did, but not in the direction I should have.

Leaving first base behind, I jogged to the edge of the field and hopped the fence toward the bleachers, where Mary sat with her brother and a few of his friends.

“What the hell are you doing, Cody?” Tyson snapped with his arm pointed toward the chorus of angry chanting happening from my teammates and coaches.

“Can I have your keys?” I asked her with my hand out.

Mary’s head cocked to the side.

“Get back in the fucking game, Cody!” Tyson growled and tried to break the attention I was giving his sister.

“ Please, ” my voice cracked as the word came out, and she gently set the key chain in my palm. “Thank you,” I said with a nod and took off toward the parking lot.

“What the hell are you doing?” My father’s voice rang out as I passed him and my brother. They jumped down from the bleachers and followed me, but I ignored his order to stop as my eyes scanned the lot for Mary’s dark red Toyota.

“Ryan!” His voice barked through the sound of upset.

“I can’t see her! The stars, they’re covered!” I yelled back.

“What the… are you high?” My dad snapped.

“No!” I yelled back, my eyes still scanning the cars up and down as my heart raced out of my chest. “The lights, the sound, the game… none of it matters!”

“It’s your future, Ryan! That's all that matters.”

“No, because it drowns her out. The lights are too bright, the noise is too loud…” I whirled on him. “The game doesn’t matter if she’s not here and she isn’t.”

“You’re talking about the Mayor’s girl again, aren’t you?” He sighed and pulled off his cowboy hat, resting it on his hip with a grim expression.

“You can beat my ass about it later, Dad. I have somewhere to be, and it’s not here,” I growled at him.

“Ryan, stop,” he snapped. “You’re never gonna be good enough for that family. You’re a poor farmer's kid, and you just ruined the only shot you had at making a life for yourself. You’re acting like a goddamn fool!” He stepped forward, and I widened my stance, ready for the blow as I put my hands out to stop him.

“If you ever loved me, even for a split second the day I was born, then you’ll let me do this. Because it may not seem like the right decision for you , but it’s the only decision for me. ” I explained to him, but his angry expression held tight in his brows and jaw, never softened.

“Get back on the field, Ryan.” He said with a tight snarl.

“No,” I said, checking the sky once more for the stars.

Twinkling brighter than ever above my head was the North Star.

I lowered my gaze, the red paint of Mary’s car coming into view, “I have to get home.”

He lunged for me, but I was too fast. My cleats on the pavement were loud as I raced toward the car. The weight of my future on my tail but the suffocating pressure of my dreams weighed on my chest. I could hear the team yelling as I popped the door of her car open and climbed inside, the silence jarring as I closed the door.

I turned the engine over and peeled from the parking lot.

I waited with my breath held for the truck's headlights behind me as I sped onto the single-lane highway home, but they never came. He didn’t follow me. I slowed down to a reasonable speed and loosened my grip on the wheel, but my heart was still pounding out of my chest. Out here, without the pesky lights from the city, I could see the sky painted with stars. I could feel her again.

“I’m coming,” I whispered.

It took me less than three hours to get home. I had small bouts of speeding, and nothing about the way I drove was safe, but as I pulled up to her gated community, I knew it had all been for a reason. The game was blaring over the radio, and the boys had managed to win the game without me, just like Coach said.

They had never needed me.

But Lorraine did.

I could feel it in my bones, in the tightly charged muscles that corded together under my too-hot skin. Every nerve was buzzing, and my heart pounded.

Her house was dark, and for a moment, I thought I was wrong, that maybe they weren’t home. But as I shut off the engine and the moon's light spread across her yard, I saw her.

Her face was pressed to the telescope just like that night, her messy short hair stuffed under a beanie to keep her ears warm in the breeze. Her face was more hollow than before, and I couldn’t tell if it was the moon playing tricks or the pale color of her skin, but she looked sick. The desperate feeling to fix everything seeped into every crack within my body as I climbed from the car and started the slow walk up her driveway.

“What are you doing?” The wind threatening to steal the sound of my voice as I asked her the same question I had the first day I saw her. Her body stiffened, and she looked up at me.