CHAPTER ONE

Special Agent Faith Bold's heart pounded as she took a seat in the swiveling office chair, silently declining the futon. She hoped she wasn't sweating as much as she felt like she was.

Dr. Susan Perth didn't seem to notice Faith's anxiety, but Faith was certain that she did. She was paid to know when people were anxious, so there was no way she couldn't see Faith's nervousness.

Turk watched Dr. Perth warily, sensing Faith's concern. Faith smiled at the dog, but it must not have been a very convincing smile because Turk only stared harder at the psychologist.

"I can allow Turk to sit in on this session," Dr. Perth said, "but in future sessions, he will have to be left home."

She had a soft British accent and a matronly demeanor that Faith liked. She very much did not like the idea of leaving Turk at home. "Can he come for a while? I've… well, I didn't really have a good experience the last time I was in therapy."

The last time Faith was in therapy, her doctor was one Franklin West, known now to Faith and the world as the Copycat Killer, the vicious and prolific serial killer who had far surpassed his idol, the original Donkey Killer, Jethro Trammell.

Ironically, Faith was in therapy because of injuries she sustained at the hands of the Donkey Killer. Learning that her trusted doctor was the more dangerous disciple of the killer who had nearly taken her life had left her wary of therapists and therapy in general.

But she was trying. At the Boss's insistence, and David's and Michael's encouragement, she was trying.

"I understand that," Dr. Perth said, "I'll allow him to attend for a few more sessions. But we must reach a point where you are comfortable without him. I understand that he's only a dog, but I don't think you'll be entirely honest with me in front of him."

Faith frowned. "He's not only a dog." Dr. Perth simply regarded her with a patient smile, and Faith sighed. "Which is exactly your point. Okay. But not yet."

"Not yet," Dr. Perth agreed. "As this is our first session, we'll keep things casual. I'll focus on getting to know you and learning how I can best serve you as your doctor."

"That works for me," Faith said.

"Good. Why don't we start with you telling me what you hope to gain from therapy?"

Faith sighed. "Well, getting people off of my back would be nice."

"Do you feel you're being pressured to take therapy?"

"No, not exactly. Just…"

The Boss's words of the week prior came to mind. "This isn't a request, Faith. The brass is up my ass about sending you to a desk. If we want to avoid that, we need to show that you're following the rules. Skirting counseling has to stop."

"A little," she admitted. "I just think that everyone worries too much about me."

"Do you feel guilty that they worry?"

"No, I just… I mean, it's my business, right? Like, I know they're concerned, but I should be allowed to decide for myself the kind of help I need."

"What kind of help do you think you need?"

"Nothing. No offense, but I really don't think I need this. I mean, I used to have nightmares and stuff, but I don't really have them anymore. I put West in prison once and for all, and I've been the most successful agent in the Bureau over the past two and a half years. Me and my partner, that is. I'm fine. Really."

Dr. Perth nodded. "How do you feel?"

Faith blinked. The question was both a change of subject and broad as hell. "How do I feel about what?"

"In general. How do you feel?"

She shrugged. "Fine. I mean, there are good days and bad days, but I'm fine."

"What's a good day?"

"When I see David. That's my boyfriend. When I solve a case. When Turk and I hang out without work hanging over our heads. When I have dinner with Michael and Ellie doesn't look at me like I'm a vicious skank who wants her dead and Michael in my bed."

"Michael is your partner?"

"Yes. And my best friend."

"And you have a romantic history with him, correct?"

Faith felt a flicker of annoyance. If only she had never dated Michael. Everyone wanted to believe the two of them were still attracted to each other. "We dated for a year, but it wasn't serious. I love David, and he loves Ellie. And Ellie's not jealous anymore. That's the point. She likes me now."

Dr. Perth nodded. "And what's a bad day?"

Faith's smile faded. Images of dead bodies, taunting killers, and weeping loved ones flashed across her mind. Behind those images, looming over it all, were the twin smiles of Jethro Trammell and Franklin West.

"Losing people," she replied. "Not solving a case in time and looking at the bodies of the people I couldn't protect. Those are always hard days."

Dr. Perth nodded again. That was going to be very annoying over time. "What are your hopes for the future?"

Faith chuckled. She didn't like the tense quality of her voice. "What am I doing, making a dating profile?"

Dr. Perth smiled, utterly unoffended. That was going to be very annoying over time. Faith was sure that part of being a therapist meant taking nothing personally and divorcing one's feelings from every session, but it just came across as smug to her. "No, but the general idea is the same. An online dating profile is designed to give people a snapshot of who you believe yourself to be. The questions I'm asking have a similar purpose. They're designed to give me insight into who you see yourself as."

"Are you insinuating that who I see myself as is not who I really am?" Faith challenged.

"Do you believe that's what I'm doing?"

Faith took a breath to avoid snapping at the doctor. "I believe that you are doing your best to help me," she replied, "but yes. I think that you believe that you know better than I do who I am and who I should be."

"Then you have a misunderstanding of therapy," Dr. Perth replied. "My purpose is to help you come to terms with the challenging aspects of your life, to find closure for your past and to commit yourself to your future. But I rely on you to tell me which aspects of your life are challenging as well as to tell me what closure means for you and what future you desire to commit to. Some of those things you'll tell me explicitly. Others I'll learn from observation."

"Okay, I'm going to stop you right there," Faith interrupted. "You don't get to examine me like a zookeeper watching a monkey. If I tell you something, it's the truth. If I don't tell you something, it's not important."

"That is not true for you, me or anyone else," Dr. Perth replied mildly.

Faith pressed her lips together. "All right, well, if you want me to cooperate, then you need to stop treating me like a case study. I get that you're doing your job, and I'm trying to be patient, but I'm done with the whole, 'look at this inkblot and tell me what you see' schtick."

Dr. Perth pursed her lips and leaned back in her chair, regarding Faith thoughtfully. After a moment, she said, "I can see that it will take time to build trust. That's perfectly fine. However, I will kindly request that you answer my questions to the best of your ability and trust that I—as you put it—am committed to doing my job. We will both make mistakes along the way, but I am committed to working through those mistakes. Are you?"

Faith sighed in exasperation. "Honestly, doc, I'm committed to getting this over with. That's the best I can give you right now."

"Fair enough. Do you feel comfortable sharing your hopes for the future with me?"

"I will answer your questions in spite of my discomfort. Does that work?"

"For the moment, yes."

"Wonderful. My hope for the future is that Turk and I save many lives and put many assholes behind bars where they can't hurt anyone. I hope to marry my boyfriend one day, and I hope to be friends with Michael for the rest of my life. I don't know if this rises to the level of a lifelong dream, but it would be cool to own a '49 Chevy and turn it into a grand tourer I can take Turk across the country with."

"You are a fan of classic automobiles?"

"Oh yes. If I hadn't joined the Marine Corps, I would have apprenticed at an auto shop and learned how to work on cars. I still think it would be cool as hell to drop a small-block into a '49 Chevy, maybe pair it with a six-speed and some upgraded suspension and better tires and take it across the country."

"That sounds fun."

Faith nodded. "It'll be a challenge to get a six-speed to fit, but I'm pretty sure I can make it happen. I might have to forgo the supercharger, but a stock small block will still put out three hundred fifty horsepower, and that's three times the power the original engine has."

Dr. Perth smiled placidly at her, and Faith felt heat climb her cheeks. It was pretty damned obvious that she was talking about cars to avoid talking about anything serious. The fact that Perth knew this and chose not to say anything bugged Faith.

Well, Perth had asked. It was her fault.

"What about fears?" Perth asked when Faith fell silent. "What do you fear could happen in the future?"

Faith sighed. "I fear…" She fell silent again and finally said, "You know what, Doc? I'm sorry, I'm just… this is a lot at once. I think you and I have different ideas of what constitutes a light opening session. Can we not talk about my fears today?"

"We don't have to talk about them today," Dr. Perth agreed. "But we do need to talk about them."

"Why?" Faith blurted out before she could stop herself. "I mean…" she reddened. "I just… I'm fine. I really don't understand why everyone acts like I'm not."

"Who acts like you're not fine?"

"No one. I just mean…" She pressed her lips together and waited for the response she knew was coming.

"No one is a bit of a far cry from everyone," Dr. Perth pointed out.

"I didn't mean everyone," Faith insisted. "I just… I don't want to be here, okay? I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I'm sure you're a great doctor, but I do not want to be here. I don't need to be here, and I'm not happy about it. So there."

Dr. Perth looked away and tapped her clipboard for a moment. "You more than anyone else have a reason not to trust therapy, Faith. There are no words that can describe how heinous Franklin West's actions were. As someone who's committed my life to counseling people, knowing that Franklin West used my profession as a tool to torture you psychologically infuriates me."

"You don't look infuriated."

"It wouldn't help you for me to show anger," Dr. Perth replied. "But I am angry. The same way you would be angry if a killer masqueraded as an FBI agent and used that cover to murder innocent people."

The egg timer chimed, and Dr. Perth calmly pressed the snooze button. "And that is our session for today." She met Faith's eyes. "I think you're right. I think you should continue to bring Turk with you for a while. We have a long way to go to build the rapport we'll need to truly tackle the issues troubling you. You should have someone you trust absolutely to help you take the first steps."

Faith sighed. She felt a lot of things, but to simplify everything, she chose to express the gratitude. "Thank you, Doctor. I appreciate your understanding."

"Of course." Dr. Perth stood and handed Faith her business card. "Please don't hesitate to call me at any time for any reason."

Faith lifted an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Yes. Eventually, I will create more boundaries, but for now, it's important to me that you know I'm committed to helping you."

Faith didn't want to take any more time trying to wrap her head around this decision, so she took the card. "Thank you, Doc."

"Of course. Have a good evening, Faith."

Faith led Turk from the office and tried to make sense out of everything. She really didn't want to go to therapy, but as long as she was here, she might as well play along.

Perth was just so different from West. It galled Faith to admit it, but she preferred West's more straightforward approach. Dr. Perth wanted Faith to run the sessions, it seemed. Faith wasn't sure she wanted to do that.

She sighed and ruffled Turk's fur. "One step at a time, right boy?"